Time Bomb

It's moments like these that really make you wonder...
"Was I who he thought I was going to be? Will there be another hello? Or just a upsetting goodbye?''
I don't think I have ever been this nervous in my life. My stomach has been rambling and growling in pain because I've been stressing about it. No amount of food can settle it and certainly no horse sized tablets can cure it. This unforgiving pain will continue to stalk my body until I know his answer.

Even at 6:02am and 90% brain dead, he still looked as handsome as he did the night before. Although, he might feel like he needs a coffee to truly wake himself up, I am already wide awake and smiling. Despite the rocky sleep I had with him stealing the pillow off me and the horrid noise of him grinding his teeth in his sleep...I still felt alive. I can still remember his scent; the fresh smell of recently dyed hair and soap filtered through my nose. An aroma that never faded...unlike the one I tried so desperately to keep. What added to my already disturbed stomach was the constant paranoia that I smelt like a fish market located at the sewer. My feverish attempts to coat myself with layers of sweet scents always backfired. It made me feel disgusted about my body...I almost felt un-lady like. In my fit of paranoia, he reminded me of the sad reality of our situation which was that we had to say goodbye soon. Just when I thought my stomach couldn't rage anymore...it suffered a punishing blow.

We were the only ones on the bus. It felt like God set the scene perfectly for us, as if to say: ''Embrace the moment while you still can''. My bags were piled on top my legs while my hand was loosely wrapped around his. My shaky disposition returned as I knew the route to our final destination all too well. I sadly didn't have the element of not knowing when our time would come to an end together. We didn't talk an awful lot on bus ride, which could have been taken in two ways...a sign of us enjoying our time of silence and serenity together or the complete opposite. I tried my best to disguise my true feelings about the moment and I wasn't sure whether I did a good enough job. My mind went into a frenzy just thinking that time is running out and soon I will be stepping onto the flight home.

I have said goodbye many times before; each were progressively harder than the previous one but this time I had reached a whole new level. My train was moments away from departing the station however I was finding small excuses to procrastinate my departure from him. We stood in the exact spot we met two days before. I remember getting off what felt like the most longest train ride of my life and just glancing over at the other side of the station. To see him sitting there listening to music. I wanted to reserve time so I could be back there...but I had to face reality. We wrapped our arms around each other and held it there for a while before starting more idle chat. I wanted one more kiss...I wanted to feel them just one more time. Almost losing my balance I went in for the kiss. It would be the last one for a while so I tried to put as much feeling into it as I could.

I smiled at him and said my final goodbye. I walked away while telling myself not to look back. I could have possibly started crying if I did. Needless to say though, the tears and the emptiness lurked around for the rest of the day. Everything about the city reminded me of how much I couldn't have it and how it will be gone later on that night. This city is where I belong; this city is my home. I'd trade in anything to just live here in harmony with him. Together we could create a truly wonderful life together in this beautiful city. ''If only I could...'' is what I thought to myself as my plane elevated into the dark sky and pulled away from my future with him.

Life is suffering. .