Painting Flowers

Alex led me back downstairs from the roof into his bedroom, quietly saying, “goodbye,” and rubbing at his arm when I opened his window to climb back across our tree.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” I asked, turning back to face him for a second. I desperately wanted to bring the whole almost kissing thing up, but I felt that if I did, then everything would just become awkward and weird.

Alex grinned at me, tilting his head slightly as he watched me slip through the open window. "Don't you know it."

I just smiled as I crossed the branches of the tree, and I faintly heard Alex sigh and shut the pane of glass behind me. It just took me a few seconds before I ducked my head into my own room, jumping down onto the carpet, kicking my shoes off so I could feel the soft material under my feet. I sighed and went over to the bed, lying down on top of the mattress and staring up at the ceiling.

My mind was racing with general thoughts of "Alex", and I frowned at nowhere in particular as I chewed at the inside of my mouth. So he'd tried to kiss me. Right. Um. (I wasn't really too sure what to think of that; maybe it was just a spur of the moment thing, y'know, 'you're here and I'm here and HEY LET'S MAKE OUT', but I just shook my head. Alex wasn't really a "spur of the moment" guy; he usually always thought things out before he went through with them.)

The thing that really weirded me out was the fact that I wanted to kiss him back. The way I noticed how his face curved together when he was lying down, how plush and gentle his lips looked when they were but a few millimetres away from mine, it wasn't... right. I had no idea what had gotten into me, feeling attracted (was that what this was?) to my best friend, but it was really weird. And I wasn't sure if I liked it or not.

I wanted to talk about it all with someone, try and explain what I was feeling to someone to see if it would help sort my thoughts out, but the only person I really wanted to talk to about Alex was... Alex. So I sighed and let my eyes slip closed, running the last ten minutes again over in my head to see if they made any sense after I'd analysed it.

Nope.

Still confusing as shit.

I groaned and let my eyes flutter open, pissed off at myself for not being able to come up with a solution to why I was suddenly feeling this way.

Honestly, was it really 'sudden', though? What about that time when Alex had ran his hands up and down my thighs and it had made my stomach go all weird? And when I'd been staring at his lips afterwards? And also when we slept together in the same bed, and I let him cuddle against me?

Really, I was surprised I hadn't picked up on my feelings for Alex earlier.

To try and get somewhere with the sudden realisation that I liked my best friend more than a best friend, I picked my cell up from its usual post of underneath my pillow and brought up my contact list, skipping through the names to see if there was anybody I could talk to to try and clear my head a little with this whole thing.

‘Alan’; hadn’t talked to him in years.

‘Alex :-)’; well, that wasn’t going to happen.

‘Austin’; he was probably a druggie now.

‘Bob’; no idea who he was.

‘Cass’; Rian’s girlfriend. She was nice enough, but if she found out about what I was thinking, she’d probably snitch to the whole of my year. And I didn’t really want that, so I kept on scrolling.

‘Dad’; haha, nice fucking joke.

‘Emma’; some distant cousin or something.

‘Erin’; ex-girlfriend, lost my virginity to her, really not a good story…

‘Frank’

I stopped.

Frank was my best friend in middle school- we were total weirdos together, since we had nobody else that really ever got our humour, plus Frank was into my kind of music. I’d not spoken to him in years (not since I graduated Dumbarton Middle School, which was kind of a hell hole), but I decided, hey, now’s as good a time as any.

So I brought my phone up to my ear, pressing the little green call button and lying back on my bed again, chewing at the inside of my mouth nervously. (It’d be a miracle if Frank still had the same shitty cell, even after all these years.) It rang out for a little while, and I was just about to give up and scroll down my contacts list some more to find somebody else to talk to when a voice suddenly spoke into my ear. “Hello?”

"Frank?" I asked down the receiver.

"Uh, yeah?" Frank replied. "Who's this?"

"Jack. You know... from middle school? We were like, fuckin' weirdo best friends?" I smirked.

"Ohhhhh. Yeah. Hey! How are you doin'?"

"Uh, yeah, alright. You going to Danny Kurily's party tomorrow?"

"Duuuuuuh! The whole of Maryland's going, bro."

"Ah. I forgot how many friends Danny had."

"Yeah, he's like Kevin Bacon. He knows fuckin' everyone."

"Six degrees of Danny Kurily... Surprisingly, not as catchy."

"Hm... Nah. So, uh, what were you calling about? Were you just gonna ask if I were going to that party?"

"A- actually... I was wondering if you... Well, have I ever told you about this guy called Alex?"

"Alex? Um, nope. Why?"

"Well, like, he's my best friend, and I-"

"Woah, woah, woah. Dude. Alex is your best friend? I'm hurt, man."

"So sorry, darling,” I rolled my eyes. “But yeah, uh, we only met a few months ago, but we're, like, really close. And... Fuck, I don't know, Frank, I think I really like him. Like... like like him."

"... Oh."

"Yeah."

"Hm."

"Hm?"

"So you're gay?"

"I don't even know. Fuck. But, Frank, you'll see him tomorrow. He's gorgeous, and hilarious, and… I dunno. I think he's fucking perfect."

"... Yeah, you're gay."

"Fuck up."

"Why were you telling me about him?"

"I needed to tell someone, Frank. And I don't know what to do. 'Cause I don't think he likes me like that."

"Hm... Has he ever blushed when you went near him?"

"Uh... I don't know. I only pay attention to his eyes when I'm close to him, cause they're thi- Wait. How would you know that guys blush when someone gets close to them?"

"I've been around. Jumped over the fence a little."

"Ahhhhh. Right. Well, I don't know, I think I might ask Alex to go out with me."

"Oh, you should do it the day after tomorrow, 'cause that's Valentine's day. Awh, how romantic!"

"Haha, yeah. But what if he says no? What if I screw up our friendship for good?"

"What if he says yes, Jack? What if he says yes, then kisses you, and you have hot and dirty sex w-"

"DUDE."

"What?"

"CUT IT OUT WITH THE DAMN SEXUAL FRUSTRATIONS."

"Whoops. Heh."

"Fuck you. Seriously."

"Not if you're fucking Alex. I'm not into threesomes."

"Yes, you are."

"... Yeah, I am."

I laughed. “I know.”

Frank laughed, too. "So, uh, are you gonna ask Alex out, then?"

"Yeah... Yeah, I think so. I might actually do it right now. Just to get my nerves out the way."

"GO JACK! Go tell him you want to fuck him senseless!"

"... Damn these sexual frustrations."

"What?"

"Nothing. I'll see you at Danny's."

"Later, bro!"

"See you."

I hung up, dropping my arm to my side and smirking towards the ceiling. It felt nice admitting that I actually liked someone. And the idea of kissing Alex kept swirling into my head now, and I was almost kicking myself for not leaning forwards on his roof and just sticking my tongue down his throat.

Okay, maybe a bit too forward, but you get the general idea.

I kind of wanted to go over to Alex’s house again and ask him out or something, but a sudden fear swept through me.

What if he didn’t like me like that?

What if it was really on impulse? And he didn’t really like me more than a friend, he just saw me and wanted to take the chance?

I’d look like a massive douchebag going over to his house and asking him to be my boyfriend if he’d just laugh in my face and say no. Plus, I’d probably fuck up our friendship and make everything awkward between us if he rejected me. Oh god. That would be horrible.

I found myself glaring at the posters above my head. Okay, maybe asking Alex out could actually wait til two days’ time, like Frank had suggested. I didn’t want to speed into things too quickly- I mean, I’d just found out that I like liked him, I’d look pretty dumb going back to his house five minutes after I’d just left and saying, “Hey, Alex! Just realised that I’ve got a crush on you and I kinda want to be your boyfriend and maybe make out a little bit! What do you say?”

So I shut my eyes and shook my head at nothing in particular, deciding maybe if I could build up my courage and wait a few days to ask. After all, what difference could one little party tomorrow night make?