Painting Flowers

"Dinner in bed," I called once I reached the landing, and I could see Alex sitting up in his bed, reading a book and looking engrossed in it. I smirked, stepping through the doorway and saying, "hey, 'Lex," to get his attention as I carefully walked over his messy floor and lay the tray on his lap.

He looked up at me, a grin stretching across his lips and his fingers dog-earing the page of the story he was on, dropping the book on his bedside table and licking his lips as he saw the bowl. "Mmm. Soup. What took you so long, dude?"

"I was talking to your mom," I said, sitting down on Alex's mattress, crossing my legs over the duvets and covers and watching him as he blew on his first spoonful of soup.

"What about?" he questioned, sipping on the liquid and smacking his lips, eyes glancing up to meet mine.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Um, she was saying how you had to take this thing called, like, Trofranril or something, and some kind of antidepressants. And I got them for you," I nodded to the small brown bottle that lay untouched on the tray, Alex staring at me with a slightly open mouth. "You might want to..." I mumbled, pointing to the spoon in his hand, still half filled with chicken soup and threatening to spill across his t-shirt. Alex just looked down and put the spoon back in the bowl, glancing up at me again with wide eyes.

"Did she tell you why I had to take Tofranil? And Xanax?" he asked quietly, hands resting on either side of the plastic tray.

I looked at him for a few moments, before nodding slowly. "Yeah, she said you the panic and anxiety attacks, and that you've got chronic depression or something..."

"Dysthymia," he corrected me. "Persistant mild depression. I..."

"I think it's cool," I shrugged, but I immediately realised that that was the wrong that to say as Alex narrowed his eyes at me and clenched his jaw. "Wait, no, not, like, cool-"

"There's nothing remotely cool about being depressed, Jack," he said shortly, lifting his spoon and taking a gulp of his soup. "I know the media, like, portrays it as this neat and quirky accessory, having depression and anxiety, but it's so not. It hurts, every fucking /day/, and-"

I interrupted by saying, "Yeah, I know, that totally came out so wrong, sorry..." Alex just stared blankly at me. "Like... I don't think you're weird for having disorders, I think it makes you more... human?"

"Having things wrong with you doesn't affect how valid your life is," he said.

"I know," I said. "I know. God, I can't explain it. Having depression doesn't change my perspective on you, if that makes sense? Like, you're still my best friend and everything, I'm not just suddenly gonna distance myself from you if you've got anxiety and depression and panic disorder. If anything, I kinda want to get closer to you, so you know that I'm gonna be there if you're ever feeling shitty."

Alex smirked at me, tilting his head a little and staring at me. "Yeah. I know what you mean now."

"Good," I said. "Okay. Yeah. Good. I'm not gonna, like, leave you or anything."

"You better not," he laughed. "'Cause you're the only friend I've got."

"All you need is Jack," I sang in tune to the Beatles song, and Alex smiled widely at me as he took another gulp of his chicken soup.

We sat in silence for the remainder of his meal, Alex just eating and me just watching Alex eat. After about ten minutes, he finally said, "Ah. That was nice. I should be sick more often, just so I can get chicken soup all the time."

I smirked. "But don't start skipping school, 'Lex, my worrying little soul couldn't handle you not being there."

Alex laughed, grabbing his bottle of water and the brown bottle of pills and putting the rest of the tray down on the carpet beside his mattress. He glared at his pills. "Okay, no matter what I say, I've got to take three of these, 'kay?" I nodded. "Force me to take three if I have to, 'cause they taste vile, and I'll probably be like, 'ah, no, no mooooooore', but you've just got to make me take them, alright?"
"Okay," I said, "what're they for?"

"To stop me from having panic attacks and stuff," he shrugged, opening to lid and pouring three out into the palm of his hand. "Blegh. They taste fuckin' gross, and they make my head go all weird."

"Why'd you take them, then?" I questioned, watching Alex as he probed the little red and white pills with a fingertip.

He looked up at me with one eyebrow raised. "If I don't take them, then I start, like, hearing stuff and my lungs kinda quit being lungs and just fold in and I find it hard to breathe and I usually pass out."

"Oh," I said.

"Yeah," Alex agreed, shrugging. "So, y'know, they may taste like cat vomit and dog shit had a love child, but I suppose I kinda have to take them to stay sane. Plus, mom goes apeshit at me if she finds out I've not been taking them, 'cause she's scared I'm gonna die or something."

"Oh," I said again. I felt kinda dumb because I couldn't say anything interesting (I didn't have any points to make about his disorders; I'd never had them, this was a whole new concept to learn, and I just wanted to listen rather than talk right now, which was kinda unusual for me). "So, um... you gonna take the first one?"

He nodded, sighed, and picked one up between his thumb and forefinger, staring at it for a few seconds before he put it in his mouth and grimaced slightly. "'Kay. Agh. Wotur," he mumbled, weakly reaching a hand over to the water bottle on the tray. I grasped it, untwisted the lid and immediately passed it back over to Alex, watching him desperately gulp the liquid down his throat. A few moments later, he brought the rim away from his lips, and he shook his head, eyes narrowed and face screwed up in anguish.

"What's it like?" I asked nervously, biting my lip and trying to make sure nothing went wrong. 'Cause if it did, I'd be ass-deep in trouble.

Alex swallowed. "Shit. It literally fucking tastes of shit. I'm gonna throw up."

"No," I said. "Remember, you've gotta take all three, and if you pule the first one up, you're just gonna have to take it again. So, c'mon, stay strong, alright? Fight the power!"

Alex smirked, glancing down to his hand again and putting the second one on his tongue, swirling it around the inside of his mouth for a second before I saw his lips stretch out into a weird expression, almost like he'd just taken a massive bit out of a lemon.

"Water?" I asked, handing the bottle over to his desperately clutching free hand and staring at him as he washed down the taste from his mouth.

He shook his head. "God. Fuck. This tastes fucking horrible, Jack, don't make me do it anymore," he pleaded, looking up at me with wide eyes. His words had slowed down already, and I guessed that those pills worked fast getting the thing inside to your head. "It's so bad, I don't want to have any more."

I rolled my eyes. "You sound like you're 8, 'Lex. Seriously. You're going to take these pills, you need to, you said it yourself, like, a minute ago. They help, even if they do taste bad."

"No," he said, narrowing his eyes. "I. Don't. Want. To. Don't force me to take them, Jack, please, it's not fair on me."

"Life isn't fair," I sighed, grasping the final pill in my fingers and shaking it around a little. "C'mon. Take it."

"I don't want to," Alex whined, frowning at me and shaking his head. "No. Fuck. I'm not going to take it. Okay?"

"No, it's not okay, 'Lex, you need them. Please, just one more. It'll be done after that. Do it for me, c'mon, Alex..." I tried, bringing my hand towards his mouth, but he just faced away, glaring at the wall to his right and folding his arms across his chest.

"I'm not taking it. Fuck you," he said and, although I knew it was only the chemicals inside of his head making him so blunt and stubborn and rude, it still kind of hurt.

"Alex, please don't make this any more difficult than it has to be," I groaned, slumping my shoulders. "Just one more. One more pill, and it's over. You've already taken two, I know you can do this. I know you can. Just believe in yourself like I believe in you, okay?" Alex completely ignored me, gaze focused on anywhere besides my face. "Okay, that's fucking it-"

I moved myself over so that my thighs were spread apart, and I was kneeling over Alex, straddling his lap and balancing myself by pressing the hand which wasn't holding his final pill in it down on his chest, making him lie down underneath me, hair spread out behind him on his pillow. Alex didn't change his expression at all (but I swore I could see a tint of pink rising on his cheeks), and just narrowed his eyes at me. "Jack. Stop it."

"No, you stop it," I said. I felt kinda guilty as I saw his wide brown eyes search mine with fear, but I remembered how he'd told me that he needed them, and to force him to take the pills at any cost. "Alex, I'm sorry, but you need them. I'm not gonna get off you until you fuckin' take this."

"Then get used to being on top of me," he replied shortly, and- yep, there was definitely blood rushing to his cheeks now. But Alex wasn't himself, it was the pills making him feel this way. "'Cause I am not taking them."

"Open your mouth," I said slowly, bending over him and bringing my clenched fist with the pill inside towards his face. "Alex. Open. Your. Fucking. Mouth." I accented every word, my teeth clenched tightly together in frustration as Alex just stared up at me in hurt.

"Please," he said quietly. "Jack, please. I don't want to. Don't make me. It's fucking horrible, I-"

"No, Alex, c'mon," I sighed. I gently brushed his fringe out of his face, and he just squinted at me a little. "Just take it. It'll be over in, like, two seconds. Just open your mouth."

Alex let out a long breath, closing his eyes lightly and parting his lips ever so slightly. "If you want my mouth open wider, use your own," he mumbled. Just the pills, just the pills, just the fucking pills...
"Stick your tongue out," I said, and, to my surprise, he actually did, poking the pink muscle out from between his lips and opening his eyes slightly. He looked nice. No. Fuck. He didn't look nice, he was on drugs, they were making him all woozy and stuff. Not. Nice.

I leant forwards slightly, my free hand resting on his shoulder, the pill perched between my thumb and forefinger as I brought it down on top of Alex's (soft) tongue. He let it lay there for a second, eyes gazing up at me, before he put his tongue back inside of his mouth and moved it around a little. Silently, I turned around and grasped the bottle of water, handing it to Alex and watching him take a few mouthfuls of the liquid and gulp it down quickly. He smacked his lips together slightly and put the bottle on his bedside table, before looking up at me again with a slight smirk, reaching his hands up to run over my jean clap thighs on either side of his hips. He tugged his teeth over his bottom lip, and started to run his thumbs over the fabric in small and slow circles, eyes staring up at me heavily.

Just.

The.

Pills.

I did my best to wriggle out of Alex's grip, my lips stretching into an awkward smile whilst I managed to finally make Alex let go of my legs and let me sit cross-legged on the mattress again. "Sometimes I get drowsy if I take the pills," he said slowly and, yeah, that made sense. I just nodded.

"Okay," I said. "Well done for taking all three of them. I'm really proud, y'know. I was sure you could do it."

Alex grinned sloppily at me, a hand coming up to scratch the side of his face. "Thanks. Can you play with my hair again?"

I knitted my eyebrows together at him, wondering if I'd misheard him or something, but Alex just smiled. "Play- play with your hair? Like..."

"Y'know, before, when you were, like, putting your fingers through it when we were talking about..." he stopped, and bit his lip. "I can't remember. We were talking about something."

"Alright, don't hurt yourself," I said, rolling my eyes, but I shifted up so that I was lying beside Alex on his bed, my head being propped up by my hand. He turned to face me and smirked, eyes wandering over my face, before he shuffled towards me slightly so that our chests were nearly touching. 'Just being a good friend', I thought. 'Doing what anybody else would do for their best friend, y'know.'

"Hmph," muttered Alex, letting his eyes slip closed as I began to run my fingers through his hair again, twirling the ends of strands round my fingertips and brushing his fringe out of the way so I could see his face fully. "This is really nice."

"Mhm," I agreed forcefully. (Although, his hair was nice to touch. It was soft, and ran through my fingers like silk.) "I'm just being a good friend, y'know, doing all this."

"You're a really good friend," he breathed, eyes closed and eyelashes fanned out against his flushed cheeks, lips curled into a small smile. "Thank you, Jack."

I just smiled, although he couldn't see me through his closed eyes, and kept on twirling his dark hair through my fingers, pulling out any tugs that I found so that his hair was all smooth and unruffled. I figured that he'd fallen asleep a few minutes later, due to the fact that he hadn't said anything in a while, plus his breaths were deep and even, his chest rising and falling slowly from beside me. And Alex was right, this was really nice.

I tucked a large chunk of his fringe behind one ear, letting my fingers trail afterwards down his jawline and across the warm, soft skin of his cheek.

Oh god, what was I doing? I wasn't on the pills, I shouldn't have been acting like this, this was so weird, but his face looked so peaceful and gentle, and that teasing little smirk was still on his lips, and if I could just lean forwards a tiny bit then I could press our lips together, and-

No.

I couldn't take advantage of Alex when he was sick, that wouldn't be fair on either of us. Plus, I was only having these thoughts because Alex was acting in some weird way due to his pills, and he'd made me believe that I felt those false things, too. Of course he didn't mean anything by rubbing his hands up and down my thighs, it was just the pills acting and affecting his brain; I wasn't sure if I found that that calming or upsetting.

But just then, I heard a set of footsteps coming up the stairs, and I flinched, immediately taking my fingers away from Alex's hair and pushing him away a little so that the person wouldn't expect anything. Hopefully they wouldn't, anyway; I was still in bed with my best friend, which raises a hell of a lot of suspicions by itself.

"Jack? Are you still here?" the voice of Alex's mom questioned from the doorway, and she poked her head into the room. She blinked slightly at the sight of Alex sleeping beside me, but didn't question anything.

"Yeah, Alex went to sleep after he took the pills," I explained quietly, gesturing down to the hunched up figure of my sleeping best friend.

His mom nodded. "Okay. It's good he took the pills, he can often be a nightmare if he's in a particularly stubborn mood," she said, and I laughed because trust me, I knew. "You're very welcome to come down and have something up eat, if you'd like, Jack, I made spaghetti bolognese for Alex, but I see that he's... not quite fit for eating right now." She smiled down at her son.

"Yeah, sure, I'll have something, thanks," I said, getting out of Alex's bed and walking towards the door and following his mom out the room. "Bye, 'Lex," I murmured, turning back to look at him as I closed his bedroom door behind myself.

"Bye."