Take Me Home

Do you know the feeling? The one you get and it feels like something is itching up your veins… like you want tear off your skin, and never feel again? Well, perhaps that sounds a bit too mellow dramatic, but I happen to be a very dramatic person. Or I used to. I can’t be too sure anymore. A lot can change in an instant, and hell, a lot has changed over the past few years. Most things bad. Fuck, a lot of things bad. So much shit has gone wrong I don’t know how I get up in the morning. To be fair, many good things have happened too. Everything’s alright now. We’re happy. Ace’s happy. Ben’s happy. I’m happy. I think. I can’t be too sure in this moment.

It’s just in the quietness of the early morning. Sitting alone in a darkened bedroom, I can’t recall a time where I’ve ever been happy. Well… lately anyway. Though, those memories of bright smiles and sunny days seem almost like a movie I saw long ago, faded and fragmented beyond belief. Flickering in and out like the film has been eaten away. It’s hard not to slip back into old ways, you know? How you live a certain way for so long, how you see yourself a certain way for so long. It’s so hard to break the bad habits. The old habits. So hard, to break those whispers of hatred singing in the back of your head. Trust me, I’ve tried. Lord, how I’ve tried.

I let the ink smudge over the page as I cross out words that just aren’t working. Why is it so hard to get feelings across? I can feel the words ticking at the back of my skull, but my hand won’t seem to transfer them to the page. I grunt in frustration, flinging the notebook to the opposite corner of my bedroom. It’s infuriating! Having all these emotions flooding my veins without finding the words to put them down on paper. To feel the hopelessness but not having an outlet to get it out. I suck in a breath, letting the cold air settle to the bottom of my lungs before pushing it out willing it to take my thoughts with it.

“Mattie? You awake?” A soft voice crept through a crack in the door. A smile tugged at my lips, “Yeah, Ace. What do you need doll?” The light became blinding, and I hissed covering my face. “Shit!” A steady ringing chuckling echoed off the walls. “Oh gosh, you’re such a creature of the night. I just came to tell you breakfast is ready.” I blink, looking at him cross his arms over his chest, a fond smile on his face. “Breakfast? What time is it?” Ace rolls his eyes, a hand moving to his hip. “It’s almost 8. What did you stay up all night again?” I scoff, flinging my hand to my chest. “Of course not! I’m appalled you even think so.” Ace just gives me his best bitch-face before sighing and shaking his head. “Right, just. Eggs are in the kitchen, yeah?” I send him off with a smile and a wave before hoping up and running fingers though my hair.

Another sleepless night, I thought bitterly. And not a thing to show for it, well except for pounds of bad thoughts. How pathetic really. A smile tugs at the corners of my mouth; at least I get some eggs. Ace makes the best eggs. Well, Ace makes the best everything actually. God bless that kid. “Good morning starshine! The earth says hello!” I sing, ruffling Ace’s hair, walking into the kitchen. He sends me a dirty look handing me a plate. “Shut up you big twat and eat your eggs.” I smile sweetly in his direction. “Love you too Acey baby.” Ben snorts for his spot at the counter, flipping through the newspaper. “And what’s so funny Mr. Benji?” I ask, stuffing my face with the salty loveliness that is these eggs. I love food. Sue me. “One, don’t call that kid. Two, you two are ridiculous.” I stuck my tongue out at him, “You love us Benji.” He gave me a look to say he was not amused, but he totally was. “See! I can see that smile.” He rolls his eyes leaning over to hit me with his paper. I frown at him, while Ace dissolves into laughter. “What was that for?”

“For being obnoxious.” I gasp. “Never in my life.” Ace just keeps laughing harder and harder. “Oi! What’s your problem mate?” he holds up a finger, choking slightly trying to breathe. “Y-you… you totally didn't get any sleep last night.” My eyebrows furrow, he didn't monitor my sleep habits. I mean, sure I didn't get any sleep. But hey! He didn't know that. He giggles slightly at my face. “You’re not usually this much of a little shit unless you do get your proper hours.” I narrow my eyes playfully. “This much?” He grins, and Ben chuckles, bringing my attention back to him. “You’re always a bit of a little shit.” I huff, rolling my eyes at the two men in front of me. “You’re all just jealous, jealous I say! I’m going to take a shower.” With that word I got up and made my way to the bathroom.

Not to be weird or anything, but like. Showers are god’s gift to earth and just happen to be my favorite thing in the world. Next to Peter Pan. Nothing can beat Peter Pan. Ever. Don’t even try. The steam rose, the heat of the water loosening the muscles in my back and arms. I groan in contentment, this is heaven. Sometimes I wish I could stay like this forever. In this little cocoon of warmth I’ve created, away from the outside world were the monsters can never get me. But who am I kidding? I can’t stay here forever, and the water could never stop them. “I can’t drown my demons, they know how to swim.” I sing in a whisper, turning off my barricade of water. Pulling on my clothes for the day, I walk out of my room to go join Ben and Ace down in the shop.