I Guess I Figured That It Hurt for a Reason

I hadn’t been awake at two am in a very long, to be honest. Even on tour with the constant happening, two am wasn’t an hour I often visited. After being home for a couple of weeks, which was just so weird to me, two am wasn’t something I was quite used to yet. My best friend was very familiar with the early morning hours, so when my phone lit up with a text from him, I wasn’t surprised. What did surprise me were the contents of that text.
Jack, get to the hospital as quickly as you can. Penny attempted suicide. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve seen Alex vulnerable before. We’d been best friends since eighth grade, for fuck’s sake. But I have never seen a text like this and I was already starting to lose my mind. Penny was Alex’s little sister, only four years younger than us. I always knew she wasn’t the happiest person on Earth, but so many times she had told us she was never going to attempt suicide because the idea of living a long life made her so happy.
I sloppily pulled on a pair of jeans and forced my Ravens hoodie over my head as I left my room quickly. My car keys were in my hand before I realised I was looking for them. My feet found my shoes and I was suddenly locking the door and within a couple seconds I was in my car and headed down the road to the hospital.
She was in the hospital. She attempted suicide. The girl who promised me she was never going to attempt suicide was in a hospital because she had. She fucking had. She promised me she was never going to do that. My thoughts were going insane. All I could think about was her and what drove her to do this and if I was going to be able to fix it because all I wanted to was fix her and make sure she was going to be okay.
I parked my car and headed into the hospital. I told the nurse at the front desk who I was here to visit and she told me where to go and within minutes I was checking in to the ICU to see Penny. Alex was sitting up and staring out the window, probably going insane. When the door clicked shut behind me, he turned to me. His eyes were red and I could see that he had been crying for awhile.
“What happened?” I asked, and that’s when I realised I had been crying, too. He just shrugged and shook his head.
“I don’t fucking know,” he said, doing his best not to breakdown again. “I don’t fucking know and I’m terrified, Jack.”
“So am I,” I said, looking down at her. There were IVs feeding into her arms and she was connected to a couple of machines. One of them had the dull beating tell me her heart was still beating safely. I sat down on a chair next to a counter and looked over at my best friend. I don’t think I have ever seen him so broken. “What -- what do you know?” I asked carefully.
“She cut her wrists really bad and took an entire bottle of something. I -- I found her on her bedroom floor just laying there. The bottle was still in her hands. I didn’t have time to look, only to call 911. They said I barely called in time.” As he spoke his voice was devoid of emotion. I knew that was the only way he was able to actually talk right now.
“Shit,” I whispered. “I -- fuck, I’m sorry, Alex,” I said. He just shrugged again. His eyes were full of every emotion he didn’t want to be feeling and I felt horrible for my best friend.
“Fuck,” he whispered in realisation of something.
“What?”
“I forgot that you were in love with her,” he said, looking at me with sympathy. I bite my lower lip and nod quietly a few times.
“Yeah,” I said quietly, not trusting my voice to not break. After taking another glance at the girl I love, hooked up to beeping machines with IVs pouring maintenance fluids into her, I let a quiet sob escape. It’s the sort of sob that only a broken-hearted man in love can make and Alex notices it right away.
I wanted to collapse and scream and punch something. She fucking attempted suicide and I wasn’t there to help her. It felt like my world was crashing down on me and I don’t know how to hold it. I didn’t even want to hold it up anymore. It’s not worth it when you see the person you love most in the world weakly holding on to life because she swallowed a lot of pills and slit her wrists. After another sob left me I force myself to stop and stare at the wall instead because it just hurts too much to look at her right now. I’m so scared of so many things and I don’t know what to do, either.
“We should sleep,” Alex said from behind me.
“Yeah,” I weakly agreed, nodding quietly. Alex fell asleep first, I know because he does this weird half-snore that’s like heavy breathing almost. I take one last look at Penny. Somehow, she looks peaceful in all of this. A deep breath fills my lungs and I just let sleep steal me away at five am.