I Guess I Figured That It Hurt for a Reason

Beep beep beep beep.
Beep beep beep beep.
Beep beep beep beep.
An annoyingly steady beep beep beep beep pattern ticks out of a machine to my right. My eyes flutter open and the white walls hit my eyes violently. I wish I was feeling disoriented so I could say I don’t know where I am. I know exactly where I am. I’m in a hospital’s ICU because of what happened last night. But how I got here is a mystery. Then I realise there is only one possible way for me to be laying in the bed alive.
Alex found me. The image of my brother crying by my side as he fumbles with his phone fills my head but I know that he’s much more controlled than that. That’s what I would do. Carefully, I look around myself. Alex isn’t here but there’s a tall guy with a hood over his head curled into himself on the chair to my left. Just seeing him makes a small smile tug at my lips.
“Hey,” a soft voice says from the door. I turn to see my brother leaning against the doorframe, pushing his bangs back.
“H-hey,” I whisper, my voice harder to find than I thought it would be.
“How are you feeling?” He walks closer until he’s at the side of my bed. I reach up and he grabs my hand and smiles down at me comfortingly.
“Um, okay, I guess.” How am I even supposed to feel right now? I’m still alive, which isn’t at all what I wanted last night. But last night I wasn’t exactly in my right mind. “Listen, Alex, I’m really sorry. I know you’re the one who found me and I don’t even know what happened last night, I’m just so sorry.”
“Don’t apologise,” he says incredulously. “All that matters is that you’re still alive, okay?”
“How did Jack react when he saw me?” I ask. He gives me this look and I know what it is. “Alex, I wanna know.” He sighs in defeat.
“I’ve never seen Jack cry so hard in my life,” he says honestly.
“Fuck,” I say breathlessly, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. “Fucking hell, that’s the last thing I wanted. This is the last thing I wanted.” I feel exasperated. Alex squeezes my hand comfortingly.
“What happened last night?” he asks quietly.
“Alcohol. I was feeling out of it and I wanted to drink something to calm my nerves, y’know, so I took a shot of whiskey and I was feeling pretty good for awhile. I mean, you know how I like whiskey.” I pause to laugh humourlessly. “Then, I, uh, I wanted some more. So I drank a beer. It was enough to make me feel good for awhile longer but then the sadness hit and I don’t fucking know where it came from.
“My mind raced and before I knew it I was crying. You know I hate crying. I was staring in the mirror and just thinking about how stupid and horrible I was. So I took the bottle of pills and just swallowed them all and then I -- my wrists. Then I blacked out.” I looked up at him and saw a tear falling down his cheek. “Oh, God, fuck, don’t cry. Please.”
I look behind Alex and see Jack staring at me. His eyes look so intensely sad. It breaks my heart seeing him like that. Over the last couple of months I had fallen in love with Jack, and I knew he felt something for me, but when I saw his eyes like that I knew he loved me. I just wish I found out in a completely different way, because this hurt too much. My lips turn up in a small smile just for him and I see his eyes illuminate just the tiniest bit and a smile slowly creeps onto his face.
“I’m hungry. Can you bring me back some food?” I ask.
“Yeah, of course, what do you want?”
“Uh, a salad and pizza. And you should get some food down there for yourself, too okay? And take your time eating down there. You need a break from this room, got it?” I say with finality, giving him a pointed look.
“Okay,” he says, laughing a bit. “I’ll see you soon. Love you.”
“Love you, too.”
He leaves the room without realising Jack’s awake. Once he’s out of sight, Jack pulls his chair over to me and locks hands with me.
“I am so sorry,” I say again. “I’m so fucking sorry, Jack.”
“I’m just happy that you’re alive,” he says, choking on too many emotions. His fingers intertwined with mine and his touch is comforting.
“I -- I promised you. I promised you that you wouldn’t have to deal with this.”
“I know, I know. It’s okay.”
“No, no it’s not. How could I do this to you guys? And, fuck, Joce doesn’t even know.”
“I’ll text her for you.”
“Jack,” I gasp, and bite my lip. His name leaves my lips like a desperate plea. He pulls our knuckles up to his lips and kisses them. Something flutters in my stomach.
“Hey, it’ll be okay. You’re alive. Nothing else matters, I promise. That’s all anyone is going to care about, okay?” I quietly nod. “I just wish you would have texted me last night so I could have helped you.”
“If you fucking blame yourself, I’m gonna kill you,” I say through tears. Somehow my words are articulated perfectly and my point gets across because his head moves back in surprise. “Yeah, that’s what I fucking though. Don’t blame yourself for my actions. Ever. Got it?”
“S-sure.”
“Got it?”
“Yeah, I got it.”
“Good.”
He turns on the TV for me and we just sit there quietly, laughing every so often at what’s on.
“Is there anyway you could go and get my laptop so that I can watch something on YouTube? I mean, if you don’t wanna leave you don’t have to, but I’m probably gonna be here for awhile.”
“Yeah, I’ll get it tonight. I’m gonna need a calming shower,” he says, smiling lightly at me. Just then Alex walks in, smiling at us. He places a tray on my legs and I grin at the food.
“I don’t think I’ve ever been so grateful for food,” I say as I eat the pizza. Alex laughs but I know it hurts deep down.
“I’m gonna go get her laptop and shower. I’ll be back in a couple hours,” Jack says, nodding.
“Peace,” I say, happily eating my salad.
“Seeya soon,” Alex says.
I can feel Alex watching me as I eat. It’s not the creepy sort of feeling but rather a calming sort of presence to tell me someone cares about me and is making sure that I at least look okay.
“As stupid as this is gonna sound, I’m okay, Alex,” I say, looking over at him.
“Penny,” he says quietly. “I-I know, but -- shit, last night -- I was terrified that you were actually going to die on me. I’ve never been so scared in my life. I just -- Penny -- I don’t even know what to say. Fuck.”
“I know,” I mutter, looking away. I had a friend go through this sophomore year. It’s not exactly watching your little sister lying in a hospital bed after a suicide attempt, but it’s something that hurts a lot. If I wasn’t in this stupid bed he’d hug me tight right now. I’ve never really been one for hugs, but my brother honestly gives some of the best hugs in the world and I’m really upset that I can’t be hugged by him right now, as dumb as that may sound to someone else. “Love you,” I whisper.
“Love you, too.”