Call it Love

Would it surprise you if I tell you my first love is a woman?

Well, technically, that is a bit of a lie. When I first met Monica, her name was Daniel.
I used to move around a lot. I made friends and lost them every time I moved. I was the new kid at Daniel’s school. I made some friends right away. I guess I’ve always been good at making friends no matter how many times I changed schools. It didn’t really matter to me if I had friends or not. It was just a matter of waiting for the next time we move.

I didn’t officially talk to Daniel until sophomore year in science class. He was a gloomy kid, you know, not very talkative so he was left behind when everyone already had a partner. And being the busybody that I was, I volunteered to be his.

He didn’t really meet my eyes. Just started reading the assignment and said something once in a while. At that time, I found him really hard to get along with.

That changed when we decided to meet at his house to work on the project. So my mom dropped me off, right? And before I even rang the doorbell, Daniel came through the door, looking all beat up. I could hear someone screaming in the house. He saw me and just kind of stared at me. Then he told me to go home and started walking away.

I was stunned for a second. I decided to leave. It was real easy. Call my mom; she would be there in seconds. But I didn’t. I started following him. Just kind of walked a few steps behind him. Sometimes he would stop and looked at me, but he let me follow him.

At the time, I didn’t even know why I followed him. But now I’m glad I did. His back looked awfully lonely, you know. I just couldn’t leave him alone.

He turned into a park and sat down on a swing. I took the one next to him. It was silent for what felt like hours before I finally asked: “Are you ok?”

He said: “No, not really.”

Then it was silent again. We didn’t talk anymore, but when I finally turned to look at him…he was crying. No, he wasn’t bawling. Just kind of sniffling, but he was really crying. I can’t really explain it but tears kept falling out of his eyes, but he was really quiet about it. Somehow, that felt like the worst kind of tears. That was the first time I had seen a boy being so honest about his sadness. It almost brought me to tears seeing him like that.

It’s weird but at the time, I thought I had never seen such beautiful tears. I think that was the first time I fell in love.

So did you ever tell him how you feel?

Did I? I think I did (laugh). But it didn’t turn out well. Actually, maybe it did? Truthfully, I didn’t think I ever would. He’s gay, you know. In case you haven’t noticed.

At the end of junior year, I had to move again. All the way across the country. By that time, he and I were already close like sisters. He wasn’t really sad when I told him I had to move. I did tell him many times, after all, that I’m not someone who can stay in one place for long, not that it’s any of my fault. But at that time, we were already too close to even consider never seeing each other again.

But the funny thing was I couldn’t hold my tongue anymore so I blurted out: “I know you already have a boyfriend, and you’ll reject me anyways, but just so you know I love you.”

He just stared at me, you know. He does that a lot. He was surprised. I didn’t feel awkward saying it. He didn’t feel awkward hearing it either.

He just smiled. Like he really smiled; he rarely does that. And he said: “I love you, too.” That was all he said. Now, I know what you’re thinking. But no, his kind of love isn’t the conventional kind of love you speak of. But I understood. I am special to him—that was all I needed.

Are you two still friends?

Of course, we are. I am now thirty-two and happily married with two kids. And unlike my parents, I will not make my kids go through the nomadic life style.

I love my husband very much. He understands me and my…complex relationship with Daniel. My past boyfriends often broke up with me because of Daniel (laugh). Thank God, I married a poet. They’re just very…eccentric when it comes to love. He gets along well with Daniel, too. So well, that I almost feared Daniel would fall for him.

Some love never die you know. Ten or twenty years from now, who knows what will happen to our marriage? But I know for sure, I will continue to love Daniel, but it’s not in a romantic sense. Oh no, I grew out of that. It’s more of a familiar love. It’s a love that brings comfort. Does that make sense to you?

We’ve been friends for more than a decade. Wow, I feel old saying that (laugh). We kinda grew up together, you know. I saw him grew up from a quiet boy into a beautiful, confident woman. He, or should I say she, is even more beautiful than me!

Monica is getting married next month. I’m a little lonely, but really glad she found her happiness. Her partner is kind. Monica really knows how to pick people. She told me meeting me is one of her biggest miracles. But to me, meeting her was the biggest miracle.

Sometimes, I wonder why I even fell in love with a guy who can’t even love me, but I look at Daniel and then at Monica, I still love them even if I don’t know why I do.