I Know It Hurts

As summer was coming closer and closer, as it was almost within reach but still seemed so unbelievably far away for the Huntington Beach High School students, it was time for Matt Sanders to change the mood to a better one. Whenever he could, Matt was the guy to throw parties nobody wanted to miss. They weren’t the biggest things ever, but they were most definitely special. It was often Matthew’s father left for vacations to far away places, and each time there were no more boundaries for Matt’s own amusement. This year was no different. Matt’s Dad was gone for nearly two weeks, and he wasted no time planning a great party right the first weekend he was home alone.

With help of his friends he had his house filled with booze and food for all the people who were supposed to show up rather quickly. Most of them would still bring along some things, so there was no need to waste too much time worrying about whether it would go wrong. It wouldn’t, it was a Sanders party.

It was some time in between ten and eleven when Matt found his place filled with so many people that they had started to take most of the party outside, around the pool. He was having a great time, even more so seeing that everyone else was going crazy as well. After enjoying a round of shots with some people from his school Matt went back into the house, grabbing another beer as he made his way through the big kitchen to find Brian. Wherever he would look there were food, drinks and people on tables and floors. Since his house was relatively big it came with a lot of space for people to mess up, unfortunately.
After searching through several rooms Matt finally found Brian, surrounded by mostly girls in a corner of the living room.

“Wow, thanks for the beer, man. Never thought you’d have remembered after being gone for so long.” Brian teased as his too well known smirk grew on his lips and he took the bottle out of his friend’s hand. He immediately drank a sip before his chocolate eyes searched those of the blond girl standing next to Matt now. “That’s him.” He quickly let her know, pointing his finger at Matt.

Matt simply glared at Brian for a second when he was so rudely robbed of his beer before turning his attention to the girl he was obviously supposed to meet. He held his hand out, smiling as she shook it. “I’m Matt, good to meet you.”

“Hi. I’m Stacey. Brian told me lots about you,” she replied, her lipstick red lips exposing white teeth as they formed into a smile. She turned more toward him to be able to talk directly to him.

“Oh, did he now?” Matt raised his eyebrow slightly, keeping his eyes on Stacey.

“And I can only say, not a thing was said that I didn’t like. Though, I’d really like to hear more from you. Who knows if Brian was being honest with me,” she said with a playful grin, looking over at Brian for just a second.

As much as Matt would have usually found himself being more than just interested, this time he just wasn’t. She was a good looking girl, who didn’t even seem too annoying. She was dressed so lightly, in a nice way and she probably would have been a great lay, but he could barely focus on that. Even while he was talking to her there was something on his mind which just would not allow him to take that step ahead. Something was holding him back, and thus he decided he wouldn’t fight with himself that night and just let it go.

“I’ll be sure to tell you whatever you want to know once I got myself a new beer.” Matt announced with a quick smile before he turned from her and walked off into the direction he had previously come from. True, he was going to get himself a new beer, but he didn’t plan to return to continue that conversation.

After getting himself the cold drink he’d been longing for, he scanned the area once again. He came to realize what had caused him to feel so weird this evening when he spotted her. She was surrounded by a few guys, cheering at her as she was drinking as much as she just possibly could out of the whiskey bottle in her hand, her head tilted far back. Her hair was a mess of dark brown, her makeup slightly blurred under her eyes. Unlike most of the girls she hadn’t dressed up a lot for the party; though Matt didn’t even feel like she needed to, not her. He couldn’t even remember inviting her, but he wasn’t surprised that she had shown up.

He barely knew her, really. She was just an acquaintance from school, but he remembered the first few months in High School as if it had been yesterday. Years had passed, but there had been a time when she’d caught his attention all the time. After a while Matt’s interest for her had faded into the background though. Tonight he realized it had never really left him. He cared, and he was concerned about her as he was watching her finally pull off the bottle, a lot of the drink spilling over her.

She had never been one to show such behavior. She had always rather been the nice girl, who was perhaps a bit shy, but always there for people. Now that he was seeing the way she was acting at his party first-hand it reminded him of all the things he had noticed and heard of in school. It were all things he simply hadn’t paid a lot attention to, but apparently they had been on his mind subconsciously all along. He had seen the way she changed in school because she rarely showed up anymore, and usually when she did it was like she was a completely different person. Her cheery personality was gone, he didn’t see her participate in the few classes they had together anymore. All the while people had been talking about her behind her back; mainly about her behavior at parties. They all explained situations equal to the one Matt had just witnessed. He couldn’t explain why he was so worried all of a sudden. Nevertheless he felt he was meant to do something about it, and so he started to walk toward the little group of guys who were obviously amused by her behavior.

“Sorry guys, but why don’t you fuck off and find yourself some other source of entertainment,” he told them with a cold stare as he stepped closer and in front of Lucy. He was happy to find the guys leaving immediately, though it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen the looks they’d given him. He ignored them.

Without hesitation Matt reached for the bottle in Lucy’s hand, the action immediately sending her into fight mode.

“HEY! That’s mine!” She frowned at him, trying to keep her hold on the liquor. Matt pulled the bottle away easily and placed it up onto a shelf above their heads, out of her reach. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I think this party’s over for you,” he let her know. Defensibly she made to hit his chest, protesting against his action. When suddenly she lost her balance and almost would have fallen, if Matt hadn’t been so quick to wrap his arms around her. He pulled her a little closer to make sure she’d stay on her feet and decided she’d be better off in a quiet room to rest.

“What do you think you’re doing? Let go of me!” she mumbled drunkenly, frowning deeply as she looked at him.

Matt solely rolled his eyes at the way she was fighting him and began to bring her upstairs. He knew she was only drunk, and while she tried to let everyone know how tough she was, she barely had energy to fight him at all. He was positive she didn’t even notice that he was taking her upstairs.
Not knowing which rooms were occupied by who, Matt decided to take her to one of the only two locked rooms. One of those being his own. He didn’t want people fucking shit up in there, nor in his father’s bedroom.

“Can’t you tell I was busy down there? Let go of me!” she moaned, again trying to get away from him. Matt wasn’t even thinking about loosening his grip though. Once he had managed to get the door opened without Lucy slipping out of his arms, he swiftly picked her up and carried her over to the bed. She didn’t struggle much anymore as her body met the soft cushion and Matt pulled the covers over her.

“It’s best you stay here and get some rest, alright?” he spoke in a low, soft tone of voice as he sat on the edge of the bed. Gently pushing her back as she tried to sit up again, he sighed. “Seriously, Lucy. You’ve had way too much to drink.” He watched the way she frowned at him but she didn’t talk back to him this time. Knowing she would get tired sooner or later, he remained in his spot for a little longer. Having her comfy in his bed should probably help the process.

After gently brushing some hair out of her face and making sure she was asleep, Matt stood up again and left his room. He couldn’t lock it this time, so he decided to trust people enough not to step in there. Most of his guests knew better anyway, but people tended to forget things when intoxicated. He’d simply keep checking on her from time to time.

Returning to the ongoing party, Matt had to try to actually still enjoy it all that much. Suddenly Lucy was on his mind so much more than she had been before, and not even the alcohol could help him shake it off. As planned he continued to check on her, while also trying to still have fun that night. It wasn’t the worst party he’d ever had, it simply could have been more fun. Everyone else seemed to be having a good time, so at least it wouldn’t put a bad light on him.

--

Since Matt had given his bed up to Lucy, he himself decided to crash on the couch that night. The sleep was short, but at least enough. After waking up he first made his way upstairs into his room. He found Lucy still asleep, cuddled up into his sheets. A soft smile followed the sight before he quietly walked to his closet and took out fresh clothes. A shower and quite some time of cleaning later, a lot of people who had stayed the night had already left again. Brian and his girlfriend had helped clean up for a while, but they had been quick to run off. The house didn’t look all too bad anymore, so Matt wasn’t upset about it. There had been worse times.

When he checked on Lucy another time, actually just to put his collection of CDs that had survived the night back to their spot on his shelf, he found her waking up. He couldn’t help himself; ever since he’d brought her up there he kept thinking about everything that had been going on. It didn’t really help his worried thoughts, but he hoped he’d be able to talk to her about it.

“Hey there…,” he said carefully, keeping his voice quiet as he pulled the door shut. Lucy immediately looked up, obviously confused while she frowned and looked at Matt. He could almost see the question mark sitting on her face. “Don’t worry, you got pretty fucked up last night and I let you crash. How are you feeling?” he asked, stepping a bit closer.

Her reaction took a little longer than expected. The frown stayed on her face as she gently rubbed her eyes, then her forehead and sat up a bit. He figured it was all a mixture of exhaustion and her hangover.

”It’s not like you actually care, right?” she shook it off, giving him a quick, annoyed smile. That was exactly what he had meant. This wasn’t like Lucy, and it didn’t make sense to him.

“Hey, I was just trying to help you.”

“Yeah, right.” She sighed heavily and threw the covers off her body. She looked bad, but considering the night’s events it wasn’t much of a surprise. Matt tried not to take the dirty look she gave him personally. He wasn’t that stupid, he knew something was up. So as she got up and made to walk over to the door, Matt stopped her gently, reaching his arm out.

“Wait up…,”

“Why?” She frowned more deeply as she stopped and looked at him. “What do you want from me? I didn’t ask you to let me stay here, as I would have rather been somewhere else. So would you just stop?”

“Lucy, what’s going on?” She was convinced nobody cared. That fact made it so much more difficult for her to accept that Matt was actually trying to help her. Yet he didn’t find himself feeling offended by her actions. Admittedly, there was something that woke a very familiar feeling in him. Maybe that little something was what made him care so much all along; that and the fact that he had to admit he’d been crushing on her for too long.

“Seriously…,” Matt stepped in front of her, looking right at her as he placed his hands onto her forearms. “I’m not stupid, Lucy. This is not like you. I may not know you all that well, but I do know there’s something going on, and I don’t want to let you walk out of here without offering my help.”

With those words leaving Matt’s lips, Lucy began to stare at him. She couldn’t remember the last time somebody had shown that much concern for her and she suddenly found it very hard to handle. She seemed as if she was paralyzed as she was only staring. It caused him to feel lost, feel as if he’d pushed her too much. As he then watched her lips trembling just shortly before tears started to roll down her cheeks, he regretted it.

“Oh god. I’m… I’m sorry, Lucy. I- …,” He paused as he watched her shake her head, her tears continually streaming down her face just before she wrapped her arms tightly around him. She couldn’t help herself. Her hangover and how tired she felt probably only added to the way Matt’s sudden concern had made her feel. It left her overwhelmed and all of a sudden she just couldn’t hold it back. She had done a lot of crying lately, just never in front of anyone.

Matt was barely prepared for such a sudden change of reaction from her. Naturally he felt slightly puzzled for a moment and just slowly began to hug her back. It might have caught him off guard, but he wasn’t going to reject her now. He began to tighten the hug as she was starting to sob heavily, hiding her face by his chest. He tried rubbing her back in a soothing manner to calm her down slightly, but it took forever to show any effect.

Once she seemed to have calmed down a little Matt slowly pulled away just enough to look at her.

“Shh, it’s okay, Lucy,” He gave her a weak, yet soft smile as he raised his hand and again brushed a strand off her hair out of her face. His facial expression still held so much worry and sympathy. It had been ages since she felt like anyone cared as much as Matt seemed to in that moment; and it caused her to feel stupid for just breaking out in tears in front of him.

“I’m sorry.”

“There’s no need to be sorry at all,” he insured her, “Let’s sit down. You seem a bit unsteady on your feet.” Lucy simply nodded her head, letting out another sob as Matt led her over to his bed and they both sat down. He decided to keep quiet for a bit, though he still continued to slowly caress her back as they were sitting down. She still hadn’t calmed down completely; her tears hadn’t stopped and every now and then there would still be a soft sob.

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

By then Lucy had understood that Matt wasn’t faking it, but that he was actually worried about her. She just wished it was all a bit easier. That’s what she wished for all the time though. She still kept quiet, not exactly sure what would be okay to say, nor what she was able to say.

If you keep quiet and to yourself for so long, it gets insanely difficult to talk about things. Especially the ones eating you up inside.

“People…don’t really care, you know? I mean, they all seem…happy to be able to run their mouth about something new, but none of them care…,” Lucy slowly began to speak, her voice coming out so quiet and fragile it made Matt move in a bit closer to her. He decided not to speak yet, but to let her go on however fast or slow she felt was good for her.

The following silence seemed to last forever. It just simply wasn’t easy for Lucy.

Despite having someone there with her now, she still felt extremely lost. It were feelings that had built up over the past months and they had pretty much taken over every second of her life. That was until she found out alcohol worked its magic on her behalf. And every since then she’d turn to it as often as she could. It was the closest she ever came to a solution for the pain she felt.

“My mom…died in a car crash nearly two months ago,” Immediately after the words had been spoken her voice broke as it was stopped by a loud sob, the tears that had just started to slow down now again falling like crazy. She’d never actually talked to anyone about it; never had been able to. Suddenly Matt’s face was just blank. “I just…, I can’t-. This is all so difficult. I can’t cope. I-I honestly tried…,” another sob interrupted her, “so hard. I just want it to- to go away. But it won’t. This feeling just won’t leave.”

Suddenly she was sobbing so hard, Matt felt like he’d been holding back for a moment too long and wrapped his arms tightly around her quickly. She instantly leaned into him, holding on to him tightly as her eyes closed and she cried into his shirt. He knew she was right. The feeling didn’t leave. It hadn’t left him, either.
He felt unbelievably close to Lucy in that moment, but he knew that this pain was an unbearable one. He understood very well though, he knew exactly what she meant. The way she described how she felt was exactly what Matt had been feeling when he had lost his own mother. He had only been twelve, but there was no difference.

“I just….keep trying to numb this pain.” She suddenly mumbled against him, her sobs and muffled voice making it hard to understand. “It’s easier not to feel a thing….”

It was such an intimate moment. Matt knew how difficult it must have been for her to even be able to tell him about it. At the same time it brought back so many memories for him. He couldn’t help the tears filling his own eyes, but he continued to hold Lucy close to himself. He slightly leaned into her more, his cheek brushing against her hair as he tried to give her enough comfort and time to calm down.

Both silently agreed that there was no need for words, at least for a while. Lucy deeply appreciated the way Matt held her, showing so much comfort and understanding. Just like Matt appreciated her trusting him enough to share this brutal experience with him.

“I know it hurts…,” he soft spoke up after a while, again raising his head just to look at her. He felt no shame for the tears in his eyes even as he watched Lucy actually notice them. “Trust me, I do. I know you feel so crazy alone having to deal with this.”

Lucy nodded her head slightly, sobbing again. She was just about to raised her hand to wipe her cheek as Matt’s thumb found its way there, carefully wiping the salty wet off. “And I know whatever I say is not going to help much. But please, know that you are not alone in this,” he stressed, looking into her eyes. “I’m here for you, okay? I’m here.”

“Thank you,” she whispered so softly it was barely audible, but loud enough to bring a soft smile onto Matt’s lips.

“Can you still hold me for a while?” she asked, her voice no bit louder than before. Matt just nodded and pulled her a little closer, caressing her back slowly. She let out a shaky breath, closing her eyes again.

“My dad’s barely home anymore…,” she spoke again after a while, her head still leaning against Matt’s shoulder. “It makes me…feel even worse. I understand that… it’s just as hard for him.” She paused a moment and sighed, frowning again. “But he barely pays attention to me. It’s like he forgot I’m still here, and that I’m hurting, too. That’s…what’s making me feel so lost in this. Even my father leaves me alone. As if… as if it’s not enough my mother is already gone.”

Now that she opened up to him a bit more again her tears had returned. Matt continued to try to calm her down slightly. He knew it was probably good for her to let it all out too, though.

Matt had learned that people tended to deal with their sorrow very differently. He used to never understand the way his own father acted back then, but as time went on and he got older, he understood. Whatever Lucy’s Dad was doing was probably his way of dealing with the loss of his wife. Still it upset Matt to know what feelings it caused for Lucy. She probably had it all building up inside her like a volcano just waiting to finally explode. He was determined to make sure he’d be there for her from that moment on.

Matt tried keeping his voice soft and calm as well when he spoke again. A frown now also visible on his features. “…My Dad drowned himself in work when….my mother passed away. For distraction, I guess. But yours shouldn’t be ignoring you. That’s horrible.”

“Your mom…died, too?” Lucy was now looking at Matt again, with a frown. She didn’t know about that at all. She didn’t know him very well, but it still shocked her. The way he reacted made a bit more sense then. The tears she’d seen in his eyes, how understanding he seemed to be. It was because he really understood her. It seemed horrible to her though, that he too had to go through what she was going though. She wouldn’t wish it upon her worst enemy.

“I’m so sorry, Matt…,” she spoke softly, tightening her arms around him.

He again leaned his head against hers carefully, closing his own eyes. Their conversation had brought up a lot of things he hadn’t thought about for a long time. “I just want you to remember that I’m here, and I’m not judging you for a thing. I know you were just trying to somehow deal with it.” He slowly pulled his head away from her again and lifted up her chin so she was looking at him. He really wanted her to know he meant what he was saying. “Even though I know I can’t do much, I will still try to help you with this, okay? If you feel alone, you can let me know. If you just need company, or a shoulder to cry on. I don’t care what it is.”

Hearing such kind words coming from him made Lucy feel so stupid for hiding herself away for so long. At the time she just didn’t know what to do at all. She probably would have never been able to talk to him, or anyone, at any point before this day.

“This means so much to me, Matt,” she replied softly, looking into his eyes. “Thank you, for being so kind. Thank you.” She closed the bit of space that had still been between them to place a soft kiss onto Matt’s cheek, causing Matt to smile softly.

“There’s still no need to thank me.”

He was truly happy to have been able to at least have helped her a bit. He knew it wasn’t much, but he knew it must have helped to lift at least a bit of weight off her shoulders. He too had yet to find a cure for that kind of pain. Certainly anyone who had lost a person they loved would understand. And it was true, what people said. It got better. Only did they forget to mention that it would return, at any time, and it would always be a part of one’s life.

“There is.” Lucy spoke very quietly as she rested her head against his shoulder. “You’ve done more for me just now than anyone has during all those weeks.”

Her statement brought the frown back to Matt’s face as he leaned his head against hers softly once again. “People are cruel.” He sighed, caressing her hair slowly. Once he spoke again, his voice was almost leaving his throat as a whisper. “Promise me you’ll let me know whenever something’s up in the future? You’re only damaging yourself with all that alcohol.”

She knew what he saw saying made sense. She was aware of the damage alcohol would do, but the damage didn’t seem as bad as the one her emotions were bringing. Still Lucy couldn’t help but take his words to heart. He cared for her, and she appreciated that fact more than anything.

“I promise…,” she replied in a soft whisper.