Winter Mornings

“Hey, Vic.” I said as I approached you, smiling brightly like I always did when you were around. “You look good today.”

The wind whistled, sending a shiver straight through me. I always hated winter. Don’t get me wrong, I thought the season was beautiful, but the harsh weather and the bitter cold that stung my skin, overcame the beauty of it. As another gust of air passed through, I sighed, pulling down my bag and yanking out my flannel blanket. Carefully I placed it on the ground next to you, knowing that when I sat the moisture from the snow would sink into my jeans. I didn’t care, though. I wanted to be close to you.

You hated the weather, too. It was just one of the many things we had in common. Your biggest thing was the sun; the way it shone brightly in the sky, making us sweat underneath the layers of clothing. You’d always complain about being freezing one minute and boiling hot the next. It was cute, actually, your little annoyances.

Ruffling through my bag, I pulled out my thermos that held my mother’s world famous hot chocolate. Okay, maybe not world famous, but it was pretty well known between you and I. Along with the thermos, I pulled out two mugs – one green, one blue – the ones we bought when we went away on spring break earlier this year. Taking my gloves off my hands, I unscrewed the cap, pouring some into each mug and setting them down on the cold tray next to us. I always came prepared.

“So, where did we leave off?” I asked, quickly pulling my gloves back on and taking a sip of the warm beverage. “Oh, yes. Strolling down memory lane.” I smiled to myself, taking another drink before carrying on. “One of my favorite moments had to be our first kiss.”

Thinking back on it, I couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. “You weren’t even my boyfriend at the time.” It sounded so silly now, believing that there had actually been a point in time where you weren’t mine. “I remember it was a few days after my birthday. You couldn’t actually be there on the day of because you had gone away to visit your aunt. But when you came back, you made it up to me.” I paused to pull out a tissue, this damn winter weather made me sniffle. It was mornings like this where I missed you most.

“We had gone to the arcade on the corner by the movie store and that abandoned shopping center.” It was the strangest part of town, a little creepy; looking like it belonged in a scene of a horror film. I think that’s why you enjoyed it so much. “It was pretty deserted, just us and a few other lost souls hanging out, but I didn’t mind. All I wanted was to spend time with you.”

“We were playing air hockey, and you were losing terribly. I blamed it on your tiny body, the way you had to practically lurch across the table to hit the puck.” I laughed a little, thinking about how cute you looked stretching your arms and jumping around. “Every time you lunged forward, I’d laugh at you, which only made you mad.”

“Stop laughing at me, Kellin!” You shouted at me, pushing your bottom lip out in a pout. Even when you tried to be angry with me, you still looked so innocent.

I wouldn’t give up, though. “Make me!” I called back, knowing damn well that you were too shy to actually do anything about it. I remember watching you just stand there, your mouth hanging open slightly.

“I will!” You smirked, looking totally serious. “If you don’t stop laughing at me, I will make you stop.”

That’s when I closed my eyes and let the laughter consume me. And that’s when I was pleasantly surprised when I opened them, seeing you standing there next to me. You grabbed my face in your hands and pressed your lips to mine. The memory came flooding back to me and I swore I could feel the sensation.

“It was intoxicating, your kiss, and I didn’t hesitate in kissing you back, knotting my bony fingers in your hair to keep you close to me. Yeah, you managed to make me stop laughing alright.”

“Eventually you had pulled away from me to catch your breath, but once I felt you had enough I pulled you back to me.” It all felt so real, like I had pushed rewind and gone back in time to that night. “It was then that I realized your lips were the only lips I wanted to kiss, and by the look in your eyes, I could tell you felt the same.”

A small howl from the wind pulled me from the fantasy I was reliving and I groaned in disapproval. “Anyway,” I continued shrugging off the numbing sensation that was hitting my legs. “As the weeks went on, we eventually came out, making it official.”

A small part of me didn’t want to continue. It didn’t seem fair, but I went on anyway. “We had a lot of problems with other students, being bullied and such. It didn’t bother me – I was used to it. I had always been the oddball out, receiving torturous comments, or after school beatings. But you,” I stopped, looking over at you; waiting for a comment I knew would never come. “You weren’t. You were Vic Fuentes, the cool, sweet guy that everybody loved. Never before had you experienced anything so cruel, so rough. But now you were, because of me.”

Guilt ran through me and I wished that I could go back and fix things. “You told me that it didn’t bother you and every time I tried to bring it up, you hushed me. So I let it go. You were mine, I wasn’t going to fight it.”

The snow began to melt around me, the heat from my body turning it into water. “My jeans are gonna be soaked.” I moaned, feeling around my back pockets to make sure they were empty. “The things I do for you, Victor.”

Now I was starting to get warm, the sun beating down on us and I could feel the beads of sweat running down my neck behind my scarf. “Let’s see…what else…” I tried to think of something other than the heat, but it only brought me to the feeling of summer and what happened on the fourth of July.

“How about the first time we had sex?” I blurted out, almost feeling embarrassed although I don’t know why. No one else was around. “I can’t believe it actually happened that way.” I mused as the thought crossed my mind once more.

It was the fourth of July and I was with your family at some cookout thing. “We had just started getting intimate maybe a month prior and since it had began, we were finding it hard to keep our hands off of each other.” I remember you were always so handsy, trying to touch me or kiss me at the most inappropriate times. “It was right before the fireworks were starting. Your dad had gone across state lines to buy the best ones and bring them back. We had both looked forward to lighting them and messing around. I think Mike was the most excited, though. So it’s probably a good thing we went off on our own that way he had them to himself.”

I thought about the moment when your dad went into the house. You leaned into me, whispering the most sexual things in my ear. Excitement pulsed through me and I couldn’t handle it anymore. So I grabbed your hand and dragged you into the woods. “It was a horrible idea, really. There could have been poison ivy, or oak, not to mention the fact that your family was mere inches away from us. I guess the fireworks worked out in our favor. The booms really drowned out our lustful moans.”

As I look back on it now, it wasn’t the best first experience. We were in the woods, first of all, your parents were within earshot, but we were two teenage boys who had just started experimenting. We went with the flow.

“I don’t regret it one bit. As awkward as the situation was, I’d do it all over again.”

I never regretted anything I did with you.

There was the snapping of a twig, and I quickly whipped my head around, my eyes searching for the source of the noise. I didn’t want another person around; this was my time with you. Anyone else would be invading that.

“Okay, where are you, you sneaky fucker?” I thought for certain it was one of the neighborhood children, causing trouble as they always did. But to my relief, it was just a deer, looking absolutely terrified when it’s eyes landed on me. Before I could speak up again, it pranced off, leaving us in silence once more.

I knew that you would hate that. You always liked the noise, whether it was music, or talking, or just you creating a random sound. At first I thought it was because you just enjoyed the buzz, but later on I came to realize that you hated silence because it left you stranded with your thoughts.

Speedily I tried to think of another fond memory, one that I hadn’t told the day before. “Oh! Yes!” It finally hit me, bringing a smile to my face. “How could I forget? The camping trip we took with your parents and Mike, and well Tony and Jaime. The one the week before school started.”

You said it was a tradition you always did and because of that, I didn’t want to go. If it was a family thing, I didn’t want to intrude, yet you insisted, so like always, I gave in.

I could never say no to you.

“My favorite part of that trip was the second night we were there, sitting by the fire as we went around the circle telling scary stories. Your mom was scared out of her mind, especially after your father told the tale about the clown statue. I swear, I had nightmares for weeks!” I let out a small giggle. Your mother and I were chicken shits, but your father had the best stories.

“I remember listening to Jaime talk about the killer in the backseat. His words were so venomous, as if he were actually playing out the story. It freaked me out and I snuggled into your side, hiding my face and jumping as the fire crackled before us.” Mike kept making fun of me, but I didn’t care. It was dark, we were outside, and Jaime was terrifying.

“Your arms wrapped around me were the only things keeping me grounded. Even Tony’s nice fairytale didn’t help. Just you. It was always just you.” Snapping into reality for a brief moment, I stared at you next to me, taking in the silence. God, I missed you so much.

“Later that night we made Smores, my marshmallows kept catching fire and would end up burning, so eventually you had to take over. It was hilarious, though. And after awhile, you didn’t mind.”

I remember your parents going off to bed, and the other three boys went for a walk down by the creek. It left the two of us there, alone in the dark. “That’s when you brought me into the tent and you first told me you loved me.” As if on queue the tears started to fall. I loved you too, Vic. I wish I had told you that more.

“It was the best camping trip of my life.” I said honestly. It was probably the only time I ever enjoyed being outside in the dark.

But with you, it wasn’t really dark at all.

The snow continued to seep through the blanket and the material of my jeans and now my butt was soaking wet, making me all the more cold. I had finished my hot chocolate, throwing some snow in the mug to clean it out a bit before shoving it back in my bag.

“I guess that brings us to the night before…before the incident.” I swallowed the lump in my throat, my eyes stinging with tears threatening to fall out before I even started.

“We were driving down the road when the snow started to fall. My biggest concern was getting you home before the flakes started to stick.” I knew how afraid you were of being in a car with snow on the ground. You always said that anything could happen, even though I assured you I was a careful driver. Of course I was careful, I had the most precious thing sitting in the front seat next to me. Still, I made sure to get you home in time, making sure to hold your hand the entire way there. You looked over at our laced fingers and frowned, saying how you wished I wouldn’t do that, it was dangerous to drive with only one hand on the steering wheel.

“I ignored your worrisome protests; I just wanted to hold onto you for a few minutes longer. Each time I had you in my arms, or felt your fingers connect with mine, my heart stopped. You were shocking, in the most unbelievable way.”

“The drive was quiet for the most part, the soft sounds of your mix playing in the background as we continued our way through the swiveling roads.” No matter where I went, or what I did, I always had that CD playing. It was by far the best birthday present I had ever received because it was a little piece of you, something I could hold onto when you weren’t around.

Around us, the snow began to glisten, the lights from the car shining across the path, the soft, white coating sparkling like shards of glass. It was fascinating, just like your face as you watched the flurries trickle down from the sky.

Even though you hated the cold, you absolutely adored the snow.

“As we continued to make our way out of the woods and back to civilization, I couldn’t help but sneak glances at you, though it only made you yell at me more, telling me to keep my eyes on the road.” That’s when I laughed, bringing our clasped hands up to my lips to place a gentle kiss to each of your fingers.

“I love you so much, Vic.” I said, squeezing your hand just a tiny bit tighter, as if I were trying to transfer all of the love from my heart to you.

“I love you, too, Kellin.” You smiled back at me, relaxing a bit and allowing yourself to fall back comfortably in the seat.

“I still can’t believe that’s the last night I ever had with you.” By now the tears were flowing, hot liquid staining my face as I tried to catch my breath. “That next morning when I went to school and you weren’t there, I automatically knew that something was wrong. You were always in school, unless you were skipping with me.” It was an agreement we had, we either went to school, or skipped together. “As I sat in English with still no sign of you, I began to panic. That’s when I ignored Ms. Wallace’s harsh no texting rule and brought out my phone.” That was another thing about you, you never left me hanging. If I sent you a text, you’d respond within five minutes.

“It had been thirty minutes and there was still no reply. By then my body was shaking, my nerves shot, and when Ms. Wallace called my name, holding that yellow slip of paper in hand, I knew that something happened.”

Those yellow slips were always a bother because they always made other students curious as to why one was being sent to the office. “I hurried up and packed up my things, practically bolting out of the room and down the hallway.”

When I saw your parents standing around the oval desk, I stopped breathing. It was all becoming too real; something happened to you. I couldn’t stop the tears as they fell, my eyes darting around the room, hoping that maybe I’d see you. “But I didn’t.” I mumbled out through my tears. “I didn’t see you at all. I saw your parents. I saw Mike. I saw Tony and Jaime and the guidance counselor, but I didn’t see you.”

As I was recalling the tale, snow began to fall, getting stuck on my eyelashes as I tried to blink them away. “Your parents turned and saw me standing there, my eyes red and cheeks wet with tears. I just looked at them, silently asking the dreaded question. I didn’t have to say it, they just knew. And your mother nodded. And that’s when I lost it.”

My knees gave out and I fell to the ground. I felt Mike run over and try to put an arm around me, but I screamed out at him. And I continued screaming, causing such chaos that students were filing into the hall. “It hurt so bad, Vic.”

Ten days ago, this happened, but it feels like it was just yesterday. “They said it was a hanging. That something inside of you just snapped and you couldn’t handle it anymore.” I was in disbelief when your father told me this. You never showed me any signs; you never acted like you wanted to do this. “If I had known, I would have helped you, fuck, Vic; I would have done anything for you.”

“They said you left a note, but that it was addressed to no one in particular. You mentioned that you were sorry, that you loved your mother and your father, you loved Mike, you loved your friends, and that you absolutely one hundred and ten percent loved me. That none of this was our fault and that we shouldn’t carry on blaming ourselves. This was your decision and yours alone.”

I respected that, I did.

But the thing is…

I always thought it would be me.

“I was the one having problems when we first met. I was the one who harmed myself. I was the one who had a number of failed suicide attempts. It was me who wanted to die, not you. It was never supposed to be you. If anything, I thought I’d be the one to go first.”

If you could hear me now, you’d hate me for saying that. “I’m not saying that I have those thoughts now. I fully believe that I am better, and part of that is because of you. I swear to God, Vic, you helped save me from myself. Because of you, I don’t feel so worthless; I don’t feel like giving up.”

As much as it hurts to have you ripped from me, I still won’t feel like that, because it’s not what you would have wanted for me.

And I just wanted you to be happy.

“In all honesty though, I thought it would be you, sitting by my grave, telling me these stories and going through our memories. I never thought I’d be the one sitting here in the middle of December, sharing hot chocolate that you won’t drink, reminiscing about our past, or touching the cold markings of your tombstone.”

“I never thought I’d live to see the day that you went before me. But now that you have, I’m going to be here with you always. I’ll come visit you, just as I have been for the past ten days. I will tell you stories. I will tell you that I love you. I will give you updates on the lives of the people that you care about. And one day, I will see you again, I promise. I love you, Victor Vincent Fuentes. And I always will.”