I'm trying to let you know how much you mean
I'm Trying To Let You Know How Much You Mean
October 30, 2007: 04:30 pm, Jersey City, New Jersey
"You see, the fucker brought me to some rehab shit, and left me there. Not quite what I was aiming for. I was thinking more along the lines of me perminantly moving back with him, and he'd help me by just being there. You know, making sure I was sober, taking my pills, cut-less. The deal-ioh. But no, he brought me to an alcohol rehab center. The alcohol wasn't even the bigest part, I've cut sober, it just hurts more."
"Do you miss your friends and family?"
"Depends."
"On what?"
"Who, and when."
"Do you miss Sarah?"
"Occasionaly, that's more so who the studdering bitch misses...Why do ask this?"
"This studdering bitch, who is she?"
"Like you don't alrady know. Come on, and you haven't answered my question yet, officer."
"I'm asking for important reasons miss."
"Wrong answer bub, you too think I'm crazy. Just because you've seen my personality change."
"They say you talk to you self, I suppose who I'm talking to now, you're the overpowering leader to the weaker inside you, right?"
"Why are you telling me this, or is it a question?"
"I'm asking, because you know. You did take a lot of psychology in high school, right?"
"Stop asking me that! And if I know, you shouldn't need to ask!"
"Excuse me?"
"Right? Right? Right? Can't you say anything elce!?"
"I could if you'd answer the questions."
"I've had light schizophrenia since I was a child, they say I created her as a way to be with my family, although I never knew them."
"You said you met them at eight."
"I did. I met them. Ten years old my mother decided she wanted me back, my new parents refused, mother went to court, mother got me on the weekends. Didn't get to know them well until I was almost eight-teen. That's when Sarah and I really got through to each other."
"Can you tell me what happend later that night?"
"When I met Sarah?"
"No, after you cut your self."
"Oh. Yeah, umm... It was dark, I can't remember why, it was only 7:30, sunset wasn't for another hour... I think..."
******************************************************************************
October 30, 2000: 07:30 pm, Jersey City, New Jersey
"Gerard no!" Kee couldn't stop the tears that ran down her cheeks as she laughed. "Stop it, Gee. I'm not in the mood! No!"
"Come on, there's no harm in it, what's wrong?" Kee looked up into Gerard's eyes, and all she saw from the taller guy was warmth. It struck odd to her, for this warmth was once a comfort. But as they lay there on the couch, the warmth she saw, made her feel cold as ice. Could this be guilt? No. Never, Keanna hadn't ever a regret for guilt to be felt. Did these cuts mean this much to her? Why? She turned her face away from Gerard and the laughter stopped.
"What? Is it me, or is there someone elce?" Gerard began to worry for her more so now than ever. Thinking he was replaced or the replacer was something he'd never thought of before.
"No! Nothing like that, Gerard! It's just..."
"What? You can tell me anything."
"You're eyes." Crap! Kee realized then how hard it was to lie to Gee. She cared to deeply about him, for him to think he was replaced. So the truth rolled off her tounge and she told him so many truths he'd never heard of. Like the other girl she'd created for comfort as a child, and her horrible summer-camp experiences. She never told anyone any of these hidden mysteries before Gerard. Not even Frank, or Sarah. Not Bob, or Ray, Mikey, or Lilie. No one. This is when Kee realized she must have wanted problems, cause she found some real big ones.
"Kee?" Gerard looked so pretty after the hour of truth.
"Yea?" Motionless as she lie there under him, pationatly waiting for what was next to come.
"Let's go for a drive."
*****************************************************************
October 30, 2007: 07:30 pm, Jersey City, New Jersey
"Yea. That's when he ditched me at rehab. He picked me up an hour later... My problems wernt solved. So here I stand; alone, familyless, and instatutionalized. Yay!"
"You don't seem too pleased... Why?"
"Hmm... Let's think about this for a second... I'M CRAZY!!!"
"Don't get mad at me! I never did nothing to you!"
"Yea be nice to the, the nice man... GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"
"Stop hitting your self!"
"Sorry..."
"You have a few visitors to see you, they're gonna help you with your memory, okay?"
"No."
"No. Why no? It's your family, your friends! Don't you wanna see them?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Never coming home, never coming home. Could I? Should I?"
"What?"
"Never mind send in the clowns."
***************************************************************
October 30, 2000: 10:00 pm, Jersey City, New Jersey
"Why are we going back to Franks?" Kee sat in the back of the van like a dog in a kennel. She hated Gerard for what he'd done to her. She never knew this feeling before. Disgust over came her as she regreted every breath she'd taken up untill now. Looking back at her though the rear view mirror, Gerard senced Keanna's anger. Sorrow filled his thoughts and his head felt heavy. The car slowed till it was barley moving, and then, finally, it stopped. Gerards eyes never left the mirror. He opened his mouth to speak, but instead left the van. Leaning up against the hood, he watched the passing traffic in horror as his thoughts remained of only her. Slowly Keanna reached for the door, and as she opened it, realized her childhood friend found her. Happy thoughts flew through her mind and she knew shed lost power of speach and action. It was all up to her biggest fear now...
"Gerard?" the most inocent face crawled up behind Gerard and soon she was giggling like mad.
"What the hell's your problem?" Gerard laughed for the first time all day, and began to try and steady the frantic child-like girl. "C'mon Kee, let's go,"
Shaking her head wildly the spoke the words so calmly, "No." She grabbed Gerards arm and pulled him toward the vans open back door.
The door slammed shut.
"You see, the fucker brought me to some rehab shit, and left me there. Not quite what I was aiming for. I was thinking more along the lines of me perminantly moving back with him, and he'd help me by just being there. You know, making sure I was sober, taking my pills, cut-less. The deal-ioh. But no, he brought me to an alcohol rehab center. The alcohol wasn't even the bigest part, I've cut sober, it just hurts more."
"Do you miss your friends and family?"
"Depends."
"On what?"
"Who, and when."
"Do you miss Sarah?"
"Occasionaly, that's more so who the studdering bitch misses...Why do ask this?"
"This studdering bitch, who is she?"
"Like you don't alrady know. Come on, and you haven't answered my question yet, officer."
"I'm asking for important reasons miss."
"Wrong answer bub, you too think I'm crazy. Just because you've seen my personality change."
"They say you talk to you self, I suppose who I'm talking to now, you're the overpowering leader to the weaker inside you, right?"
"Why are you telling me this, or is it a question?"
"I'm asking, because you know. You did take a lot of psychology in high school, right?"
"Stop asking me that! And if I know, you shouldn't need to ask!"
"Excuse me?"
"Right? Right? Right? Can't you say anything elce!?"
"I could if you'd answer the questions."
"I've had light schizophrenia since I was a child, they say I created her as a way to be with my family, although I never knew them."
"You said you met them at eight."
"I did. I met them. Ten years old my mother decided she wanted me back, my new parents refused, mother went to court, mother got me on the weekends. Didn't get to know them well until I was almost eight-teen. That's when Sarah and I really got through to each other."
"Can you tell me what happend later that night?"
"When I met Sarah?"
"No, after you cut your self."
"Oh. Yeah, umm... It was dark, I can't remember why, it was only 7:30, sunset wasn't for another hour... I think..."
******************************************************************************
October 30, 2000: 07:30 pm, Jersey City, New Jersey
"Gerard no!" Kee couldn't stop the tears that ran down her cheeks as she laughed. "Stop it, Gee. I'm not in the mood! No!"
"Come on, there's no harm in it, what's wrong?" Kee looked up into Gerard's eyes, and all she saw from the taller guy was warmth. It struck odd to her, for this warmth was once a comfort. But as they lay there on the couch, the warmth she saw, made her feel cold as ice. Could this be guilt? No. Never, Keanna hadn't ever a regret for guilt to be felt. Did these cuts mean this much to her? Why? She turned her face away from Gerard and the laughter stopped.
"What? Is it me, or is there someone elce?" Gerard began to worry for her more so now than ever. Thinking he was replaced or the replacer was something he'd never thought of before.
"No! Nothing like that, Gerard! It's just..."
"What? You can tell me anything."
"You're eyes." Crap! Kee realized then how hard it was to lie to Gee. She cared to deeply about him, for him to think he was replaced. So the truth rolled off her tounge and she told him so many truths he'd never heard of. Like the other girl she'd created for comfort as a child, and her horrible summer-camp experiences. She never told anyone any of these hidden mysteries before Gerard. Not even Frank, or Sarah. Not Bob, or Ray, Mikey, or Lilie. No one. This is when Kee realized she must have wanted problems, cause she found some real big ones.
"Kee?" Gerard looked so pretty after the hour of truth.
"Yea?" Motionless as she lie there under him, pationatly waiting for what was next to come.
"Let's go for a drive."
*****************************************************************
October 30, 2007: 07:30 pm, Jersey City, New Jersey
"Yea. That's when he ditched me at rehab. He picked me up an hour later... My problems wernt solved. So here I stand; alone, familyless, and instatutionalized. Yay!"
"You don't seem too pleased... Why?"
"Hmm... Let's think about this for a second... I'M CRAZY!!!"
"Don't get mad at me! I never did nothing to you!"
"Yea be nice to the, the nice man... GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"
"Stop hitting your self!"
"Sorry..."
"You have a few visitors to see you, they're gonna help you with your memory, okay?"
"No."
"No. Why no? It's your family, your friends! Don't you wanna see them?"
"No."
"Why?"
"Never coming home, never coming home. Could I? Should I?"
"What?"
"Never mind send in the clowns."
***************************************************************
October 30, 2000: 10:00 pm, Jersey City, New Jersey
"Why are we going back to Franks?" Kee sat in the back of the van like a dog in a kennel. She hated Gerard for what he'd done to her. She never knew this feeling before. Disgust over came her as she regreted every breath she'd taken up untill now. Looking back at her though the rear view mirror, Gerard senced Keanna's anger. Sorrow filled his thoughts and his head felt heavy. The car slowed till it was barley moving, and then, finally, it stopped. Gerards eyes never left the mirror. He opened his mouth to speak, but instead left the van. Leaning up against the hood, he watched the passing traffic in horror as his thoughts remained of only her. Slowly Keanna reached for the door, and as she opened it, realized her childhood friend found her. Happy thoughts flew through her mind and she knew shed lost power of speach and action. It was all up to her biggest fear now...
"Gerard?" the most inocent face crawled up behind Gerard and soon she was giggling like mad.
"What the hell's your problem?" Gerard laughed for the first time all day, and began to try and steady the frantic child-like girl. "C'mon Kee, let's go,"
Shaking her head wildly the spoke the words so calmly, "No." She grabbed Gerards arm and pulled him toward the vans open back door.
The door slammed shut.