Take Me as I Am

I was taking the cowards choice, I knew that. But there was an honest part of me that didn’t believe that I would follow through with what I had to say if Niall actually answered the phone. So I dialed his number knowing that he wouldn’t be able to answer, that he would still be held up on the plane.

So when the message beeped I took a deep breath and everything I had wanted to say to Niall, came so easy.

“I’m sorry.” I blurted out instantly, falling onto my couch and staring blankly at the TV screen. “I panicked the other day and turned into a complete bitch, which you know is nothing new. I just – look when I woke up you weren’t there so I thought you had gone just like all the other times and all the other boys and that was okay, really, I would have been okay.” At least I had thought I would have been.

“But I come out and you’re here and you’re making me breakfast which was amazing. And you know things okay? You knew where all the cooking pans are, where the plates and cups went. You knew all this stuff about my kitchen and I don’t remember when you…” I paused and sighed.

“I didn’t realise how much apart of my life you were and I panicked because I don’t let people in my life so easily. Jade and Sarah and our families yeah but there’s a reason I barely have other friends, especially male ones. I work a lot and I don’t have time for people but you, you just come along and I didn’t even realise that you were here in my life.

Then I lost my shit. You went for a shower and I couldn’t stop thinking. And FYI you’re not supposed to let me do that because then I become irrational but really Niall can you blame me? You were just here in my life, inserting yourself into my home like you belong and you hadn’t even told me. You hadn’t told me what you wanted or even took me to your home. It’s always mine.” I paused at the beep signaling the end of the voicemail message. Biting my lip, I shrugged and dialed Nialls number again, waiting for it to go to messages and picking up right where I left off.

“So if you never let me into your home then I thought maybe you’re embarrassed of me and I got pissed off and kicked you out with a lot of yelling and accusations. And I’m sorry for that.

But really now that I’ve said all this I realise its partially all your fault, I mean you scare the fuck out of me Niall and you know you do. And you used that to your advantage, with your little smiles and your fucking laugh and your cuss words because you can freaking swear Niall Horan and I swear to God you better not use that mouth around my Mum or you will not be allowed in her house. I promise you if you even drop the word ‘crap’ you will fail everyone and all tests that she will set up for you.” I paused and widened my eyes at what I had basically just told Niall. That I wanted him to meet my Mum, that I wanted him to be apart of my family.

The phone beeped in my ear again, telling me that I had used up another voicemail. Sighing I redialed and waited patiently for the beep.

“I went to your apartment to apologise to you, probably to yell at you too because I’m scared okay? You getting that now? I’m scared of you. Anyways, where was I? Right, your flat. So I go to your flat and your brother answers. Your brother who knows all about me and thinks that I’ve been to your place a million times. Your brother, who I might add, is perfectly okay with us having sex, like seriously he knows.” I put emphasis onto the last two words before smiling and pulling my feet up on the couch, to hug to my body.

“So here he is with your damn adorable nephew and I can’t even begin with him. But anyway Greg tells me that you told your parents about me and that you wanted to invite me up to meet them soon. And if that wasn’t a surprise in a half…” I trailed off and tried to figure out how to say what was coming next. “People don’t tell their parents about me Niall. I’ve never had to meet someone’s parents and for some reason, despite the whole being scared thing, I want to meet yours, properly. Not just at your birthday. I want to go with you to Ireland and meet them and see where you grew up and your old room and I want your Mum to hug me and for your Dad to tease me and I want all of that Niall. I want to help look after Theo when your brother and his wife come down for holidays.” The phone beeped again and I groaned in frustration, I still wasn’t done yet.

I sighed when I got the beep to start talking again. “I’m not going to change who I am Niall, I can’t do that. I’m still going to probably be angered by you easily and I still want my own time, my own space. I like having that and I’ve found out that sometimes I don’t even mind having you around while I’m working. Just, just don’t expect me to ever change for you. I want to go out and have a good time and drink with my friends. That’s my stress reliever.

But I don’t want to find random guys anymore and bring them home and expect them gone in the morning. I’m tired of waking up to them still here when I want them gone and I’m tired of waking up along when I want someone here. I don’t even know if this is making any sense to you and I’ve surpassed the normal voicemail message and I’m probably just coming off as creepy and weird but I couldn’t call you when I knew you would answer so I’m leaving you these messages to tell you that – that I can’t sleep with you anymore if you’re always going to leave the next morning without a note. I want you here when I wake up and I want you around through the day to watch movies or go out to see a movie and even dinner. I want to go on stupid couple dates with you Niall and rub it in to all our friends.” I paused again and scrubbed a hand over my face. My heart was beating loudly, but it was encouraging making me to talk more, say more.

“If you don’t want this then - then that’s okay. I would understand. But you told your family about me and you tried to stay here the other day and you know your way around my place and I’m just hoping that maybe you want something more too, that maybe you were too scared to say anything in case I pushed you out. So I’m saying it first and I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you in person. But yeah, just – just uh let me know what you think.” I paused and closed my eyes before blinking them open to look at the ceiling.

“I think I’m in love with you.” I finally blurted out right before the end tone of the message. Groaning, I pushed my phone away from me before I called again.