One More Troubled Soul

Everything in my life was leading up to this moment, June 26th. All the hard work I’d done for the past eighteen years was all counting on that single letter. It was finally coming in today, make it or break it, this was it.

It was just a regular day in my house. My mother and stepdad were in the living room discussing their days to one another. My little brothers and sisters were being more of a burden than a blessing. Kailey had one of her off days at college and was spending time with the family. As for me, I was just sitting on the porch steps, waiting.

Tonight I made my mom gather all my friends and family for this single moment. It was a really important day. The mail would be arriving at any moment. I’d been keeping tabs on when it would arrive every single day so I knew when the letter would be there.

I must have been so lost in my thoughts that I didn't see Jesse hop up the steps and sit next to me. “Today is the day, the day you’ve been waiting months for.”

So I may have talked about it quite a bit but it was a big deal. I’d sent my portfolio all the way to Boston College in Venice, Italy. Italy for god sake. This college was the best visual arts college in the world.

“Yup and it’s finally here. Can you believe it Jesse? Italy. All my dreams are coming true.” To be honest I didn't actually know if I was in yet, but I knew that my art was great enough to be given a shot. The mail would be arriving soon, as in three minutes soon. I wasn’t going to open it until the party but it would physically be in my hands.

“Okay, just don’t get your hopes up too high like you always do. I mean I don’t want you to be disappointed if it’s not the answer you wanted.” He did have a point, not that I wanted to listen. The sound of the mailman quickly brought me to my feet and sprinting.

The mailman must have been accustomed to me waiting outside. He’d actually looked at my mail today and there the letter was, all the way from Italy, it had to be. Not that I didn’t already know, but the guy had decided to announce it. “It’s here.”

I grabbed the letter with the biggest smile after running back near the house shouting a thank you. “Guys! It’s here, it’s finally here!”

Everyone watched as I bounced around the house holding the envelope but I wasn’t going to open it, the amount of times I just wanted to open it was unbelievable but I was patient enough.

More time had passed as I got ready. I was more nervous than I’d ever been in my life. More nervous than when I asked Katelynne out on a first date, more nervous than when I waited to see I’d lost my voice, even when I had my first solo in my high school choir. This was going to determine if I’d be successful in life or not.

As time passed I was getting more frantic. My friends were starting to arrive and I was just pacing around the letter. I felt a soft hand on my shoulder which caused me to turn around. “Nervous, Kellin?”

Katelynne, the only person that seemed to calm me down in situations like this. She’d been my girlfriend for quite a while but we both decided to take a break and be friends again. It was easier than both of us thought.

“Of course I am Kate. I need this more than anything I’ve ever needed.” the look in her eyes told me everything. She was always an easy to read girl. She was worried what may come if I didn’t get in but that wasn’t going to happen, I am going to get in.

More people started to show and it was rolling around seven. We’d already eaten previously so it was just time for the cake and opening the letter.

I looked around the room to see my best friends, brothers and sister, and my parents. They were all anticipating this moment like I was or maybe they just wanted me to open it so then I could stop talking about it. The letter felt heavy in my hands even though it was probably only ounces. I felt in my hands for a couple more seconds as everyones’ eyes were on me. “Come on, open it already for christ’s sake.”

It was now or never and judging by Justin’s stare he was choosing now. You can do this, Kellin. It’s not that hard, just your whole life being predicted in one single letter. The official school seal on the back made my heart race even more. I looked up into my mother’s eyes and saw in her eyes that she was telling me that it was okay.

All I wanted to do at this moment was run away and hide. What if I didn't get in? No, I’d be a shoe in. Art was the biggest part of my life. I am my art. I am Kellin Quinn Bostwick and I am good enough for this. That boost of self-confidence was the only thing that got me through opening that letter. Once the letter was open I didn't waste any time reading it.

“Dear Mr. Bostwick,

We see great work in your portfolio and we see you going great places. The way that you pay attention to every detail is very captivating. You use different techniques that set you apart from the rest. You are a very creative young gentleman. The head of the board would also like to inform you that he was very pleased with a certain piece of yours. We would like to inform you that you have so much potential though we feel that you are not quite the right fit for-.”

I’d stopped mid sentence trying to wrap my brain around the words that were circling my brain. Was I reading this right? It felt like I couldn't move, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn't do anything. It’s like everything had shut down but it was also working on overdrive.

Everyones’ eyes were all on me, waiting for my reaction. There were only a few times in my life where something big like this had happened. Tears started brimming my eyes as looked from person to person. “Kellin, honey.”

Not even milliseconds after my mom spoke I was rushing up the stairs. This was so embarrassing. I couldn’t stop the tears, they were just coming down like a waterfall.

With the slam of the door the first thing I did was fall onto my knees and bury my head in my hands. Everything quickly became blurred and I could feel my heart beating faster than it should ever have to.

The more I tried to gasp for air the more I felt like there wasn't any. I pressed my clammy hands to the carpet as I steadied myself.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't even hear Kailey come into the room. She bent down to my level and started to shake me until I decided to respond and give her some of my attention. “Kellin, stop screaming!” I hadn’t even realized that I was screaming, it didn't seem unlikely.

Kailey put her arms around me trying to calm me down but that was the last thing that I wanted. As quickly as she embraced me I was thrashing in her arms. I didn't want her to touch me. “Stop it! Just stop, get away from me!”

She just looked at me with wide eyes. It had been a long time since something like this had ever happened. The last time was when dad had finally left us for good about nine years ago.

“You don't get it, do you? I am nothing now! Everything I’ve worked for is gone!” my voice was booming throughout the room as I cried. I wasn't even sure that she understood what I was saying. I couldn't control anything that was going on at the moment. I grabbed everything and anything in sight and just started throwing things. I’m pretty sure I’d just scared my older sister to no end but at this point I wasn't thinking of her, only the pain that was making it’s way through my body. Everything hurt.

My fingers made their way into my hair, clutching it tightly in order to take away from the pain in my chest. I was unaware that Kailey was still in the room until I heard her speak softly again. “This isn’t the end of the world, Kellin.”

“‘This isn't the end of the world Kellin.’ Yes it is! But you wouldn't care, you’ve had everything handed to you on a silver platter. Everything has been easy for you. I am the one that has lost so much! You just don't understand! I have nothing now! My life is completely over, this is it! I didn’t send out anymore college applications, I’m going nowhere! I’m not good enough for anything now! No one wants me! Just go and leave me the fuck alone!” the tremors and crying were getting worse, I could feel them as I was beginning to feel very light headed.

After a few seconds all I heard was the sound of the door slamming. It was better this way. I wasn't thinking rationally as I put some clothes into a duffle bag and zipped it up when I was done. I probably still wasn't thinking straight as I climbed out the window of our first second story house and landed with little grace. I just needed to feel better.

The Michigan breeze was the only thing that seemed to calm me but there were still tears spilling from my eyes and I was still shaking. My family and friends must be worried, they knew me though, they knew in times that this it was better to leave me alone, not that I’d ever packed a bag and ran away before.

Walking seemed like a good idea until my body decided that it didn't want to carry my weight anymore. It took a couple of tries for me to steady myself. Unfortunately we lived in one of the open but also partially deserted towns.

It seemed that my eyes were just like a faucet because water would not stop falling from them. I also had to hold onto a light pole just to steady myself.

This was the moment when all the thoughts of twenty minutes ago filled my mind. I didn’t get into my dream school, I didn't get into any college because I was so stupid to think that I could. Who am I kidding? I’m not good enough for anyone or anything. Shit, I haven’t been in a relationship since freshman year and that was with Katelynne.

Well that’s it, I’m a fucking failure and not going anywhere in life. At this point I couldn’t control my tears anymore. Honestly I was wondering how I still had tears to spare. The more I thought about it all I wanted to do was be in my own bed and sleep. This was a stupid decision but at the same time I didn't want to go home. What did I have waiting for me, family, friends and disappointment? Maybe if I just rested my eyes everything would be okay. Maybe all of this was just one big dream.

My mind must have been so wracked up that I didn't even realized that I had my thumb out and a van was coming this way. I just wanted somewhere to sleep and it was too far to walk back home. “Hey, you need a ride?”

The gears in my brain didn't seem to be connected to my mouth so I just nodded my head lazily. Seconds after I got into the large van I curled into a fetal position and went to sleep.