Probably Wouldn't Be This Way

“Sutton we need to talk.”

I sighed dramatically as I left the door to my condo open, and allowed my mother and sister to come in.

“What’s up?”

I asked, although I knew exactly why they were here.

“We’re worried about you honey”, my mother said, gently placing her hand on my knee.

I fought back the urge to roll my eyes, “I told you, I’m fine.”

“I miss the real Sutton, the Sutton who loved to laugh and smile and not this one”, my sister chimed in.

“People change”, I said harshly.

“You know, the grief counselo-“

“Can you stop acting like I’m a charity case! I don’t want to hear about your stupid grief counselor or anyone who has any opinions on me, I don’t care! I’m sorry I ruined the image of the Reese’s being the perfect family. But for once, this isn’t about you mom; It’s about me and if I want to miss him, I damn could!”

“Sutton”, my mom said gently, “We care about you, that’s why we’re here. Andree says she wants to visit you soon too.”

I shook my head, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why? She adores you! She’s in the same position as you are Sut.”

I sighed as my mother continued her rant.

“It’s been almost a year….don’t you think you should stop wearing the ring?”

I felt my eyes widen at her words as I fought to blink back the pool of tears I felt coming. I twisted and stared at the diamond on my finger.

“Why?”

I heard my sister sigh. Why is she even here, I thought silently.

“Sutton, people think you’ve gone crazy. They see you talking to the stone everyday. Do you even talk to Abby or Alexis or Patrick anymore? What about Clarissa? Or Aidan?”, my sister questioned me.

“We came here to tell you you’re moving back to Chicago”, my mom slid what looked like a plane ticket my way.

“I can’t.”, I said stubbornly.

"Sutton, he would want you to move on and be happy again. He wouldn't even recognize you today."

“He’d want me to be with him”, I said lowly.

“He’s looking over you everyday. Jonathan’s not at the cemetery, it’s just his body. His souls always with you Sut.”

I was silent for a few minutes before I surprised myself by asking, "When do I leave?”

“Tomorrow at 5:30. We’ll pick you up for the airport at 3:00.”

I nodded as I took in my mothers words. I haven’t been home since his funeral and wake nearly a year ago. When I found out his mom wanted him buried in Canada, I got a condo in Winnipeg and made the decision to stay.

“I’m gonna run some errands quickly. I’ll be back soon.”, I said as I put on my coat and shoes.

“We’ll pack up the place for you”, my mom offered as I heard my sister sigh loudly.

“Thanks”, I called out as I exited the condo.

___________________

Jonathan Bryan Toews. 1988-2012.

I wiped away a quick tear that managed to fall from my eye as my fingers traced the lettering on the gray stone.

“I’m moving back tomorrow”, I whispered, “I won’t have to pay that annoying boy I told you about to rake our leaves at the house in Chicago anymore.”

“Momma says you’re not here but you’re always with me, which is why I decided to move back. You understand right? You gotta see how people look at me, when they see me out here talking to this stone”, I shivered as the autumn wind picked up.

“I miss you so much and I’m probably going on and on, I’ve been doing that a lot lately. Everybody thinks I’ve lost my mind. I never really pictured any minute without you.”

“You’d laugh at me but, I just wish you’d visit me in a dream sometime, I heard people do that. I just need reassurance Jon, I think every ones really thinking I’ve gone insane. And sometimes I feel like I’m losing touch and I know I can’t do that”, I ignored the tears that were rushing down my face by this point.

“Anyways, you got spoiled with my daily visits because after today I won’t be able to anymore. I miss you so much and…just know I’ll never stop loving you. Bye Jon.”

I knelt down and gently kissed the stone before placing a single red rose on it. I let my tears fall freely as I walked to my car.

_____________

“Oh my god, I wasn’t looking and-“

“No”, the man who I had just ran into, causing both of us to land on our butts chuckled, “It was my fault.”

“I mean if you wanna believe that, I’ll let you have it”, I smiled as I took the hand that he extended out to me to help me up.

“I’m Jonathan and you are Mrs. Clumsy, nice to meet you.”, he said with a boyish grin.

“Sutton. I thought you made it clear that you were clumsy, not me.”

“I changed my mind.”, he smiled and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“So blondie, where were you heading to in such a hurry?”

“Blondie? Clumsy? You sure are mean for someone I just met 2 minutes ago. But nosey, I was heading to a meeting that I’m now going to be late for”, I said as realization hit and disappointment hung from my words.

“Where to?”

“How do I know you’re not some serial killer”, I asked.

He laughed in response, “I’m not going to lie, you hurt my ego, but I’m Jonathan Toews, captain of the Chicago Blackhawks.”

“Chicago Blackhawks, whats that?”, I crinkled my eyebrows in confusion and did my best baby voice.

His eyes widened as I held back my laugh.

”I’m kidding, I know who they are and I knew who you were…I grew up here what kind of person would I be if I didn’t know that.”

“A pretty lame person. You knew who I was and you didn’t tell me?”

I laughed, “What would I say? Can I have your autograph? Or should I have tweeted that I was just so lucky to have Jonathan Toews bump into me?”

“Ok sassy, but really, where’s your meeting, my cars right here and I can give you a ride if you want”, he asked as he pressed a button to unlock his car. I gave him the address to the building and got in the car.

“Normally when I drop girls off, I already have their number”, he said with his boyish grin as we pulled into the parking lot of my office building.

I laughed as I took his phone and added my number before getting out of the car.

“Thanks for the ride”, I called behind me as I entered my building.

"Okay Sut, all packed up."

I looked around my condo that I lived in for the past year. Boxes were lined up all across the walls waiting to be shipped back to Chicago. I nodded to my mom and sister and let them know I was going to call it a night and go to bed. Soon later, they were headed back to their hotel.

I washed my face and slipped into my pajama shorts and shirt and crawled into bed. It was weird to see my room so empty. I looked to my right, where my nightstand usually was. I sighed and pushed myself out of bed and headed towards the boxes in the front room.

I quickly found the box I was looking for, my mom and sister labeled them nicely, and brought the picture frame to my bedroom with me.

The picture was of me and Jon on the ice when the Blackhawks won the Stanley Cup in 2010.

"Have you seen Sutton anywhere", Jonathan asked Patrick Sharp, who shook his head no. I giggled as I tapped his right shoulder then quickly turned so he wouldn't see me at first.

When he did, he scooped me into one of the biggest and greatest hugs I have ever experienced.

"Oh did you win?", I smirked.

He laughed and pulled me in for another hug before softly kissing my lips.

"I'm so proud of you", I smiled as I pulled away.

"I can't believe it, its all a dream come true, And you know what the best part of it is?"

"Hm?", I looked up at him.

"That you're here for it all." He pulled me in for one more kiss before going to talk to the media.

I smiled to myself as I recalled the memory. Patrick Sharp had taken the picture without us knowing; I was looking up at Jon with his arms wrapped around me, both laughing. I couldn't help but notice how in love and truly happy we both looked.

I set the picture next to me before pulling the covers up and going to bed.

______________

"I can't do this. I need to sit down."

A wave of nausea swept over me as me and my sister stepped into my house. She quickly got me a chair and I fell to it, my head falling to my hands as I softly wept.

"You don't have to live here. You can live with me or mom.", my sister offered.

"This was going to be where we raised our family together. This is where our story would begin, it wasn't supposed to end like this.", I looked to my sister, tears running down my face, "Our story wasn't supposed to end at all."

"I love it. I absolutely am in love!"

"Oh, so you're in love with a house now?"

I smiled as I wrapped my arms around his waist.

"This is really happening.", I said, looking up to his 6 foot frame. He towered over me, as I was 5'2.

"Only bad news is Sharpies right down the block, but we'll deal.", he shrugged.

I took his hand as we explored more parts of our new home.

"I feel like the luckiest man alive."

I turned my attention from admiring the kitchen to Jon as I smile crept onto my face.

"Someone's at the door.", my sister said, before she stood up to get it. I wiped the tears from my face as I looked towards the door.

"Heard you were back in town."

I found myself looking into the eyes of Patrick Kane. Any normal circumstances, I would have hopped out of my seat and gave my best friend a hug; but this was no where near to normal circumstances. I gave him a smile before focusing my attention to picking my nails.

"I'll leave you two.", my sister said, showing herself out.

"Its normal to still be upset Sut.", Patrick said as he put an arm around me and took my sisters old seat.

I shook my head, "I'm so much more than upset. I don't know how to live without him."

"You have us, not that we come close to Jonny. But the team will be there for you any time you ever need anything, you know that."

I nodded, I did know that. Jonathans team became my family as much as Jonathans did. Most of them were going to be in the bridal party.

Patrick made me some mac and cheese and we made light conversation for a little while.

"I gotta head out now.", Patrick stood up from the table and put his food bowl in the sink.

I nodded in understanding, feeling a little sad and wishing he could stay longer. Patrick was always at our house, sometimes we would come home to find him lounging on the sofa, watching television. He even went as far as to get himself his own key. Having him back here today reminded me of old times. I imagined Jon was at the gym and Patrick was just here, waiting for him to come back, like he used to do plenty of times.

"I love you Sutton, we all do, don't forget that.", he kissed my forehead before walking down the front steps.

It sucks, the one person you love more than anything in the world, and the people or person who loves you, are never, ever, the same.

I sighed before locking the door. I made my way to the boxes of all the stuff from my condo and started unpacking.

After Patrick left, I spent 2 hours unpacking my stuff from Canada. I was tired and jet lagged and knew I would have to go in our old room at some point.

I opened the door as I wiped away a tear that immediately fell.

Everything was the same as we had left it almost over a year ago. His clothes were sprawled across our bed as were mine. I slowly walked to the bed and picked up one of his shirts. I lifted it to my face and took in his cologne.

I didn't bother changing into my pajamas as I slid into bed.

I let my arm fall across his side of the bed, when my hand felt a piece of paper. I turned on the reading lamp and sat up.

Sutton,
I know you're pissed at me right now, and honestly, I'm pretty pissed now too. More at myself then you. I know I'll be gone by the time you get this, but I couldn't go without apologizing. I love you so damn much, and everyday I find my love for you growing…I didn't even know that was possible. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I find it hard to believe that the most amazing and beautiful girl in the world is mine. I'm sorry for acting that way earlier, I didn't really mean to make you cry. I don't know why it always has to come down to one of us leaving before I say I love you and I would never let you walk away. I'm sorry for pushing you this far, I'm not good with showing my emotions or talking about feelings so Kaner suggested a letter…who knew he was a cassanova. LOL. Anyways, I love you so much and I never want you to forget that. I'm playing for you tonight, I'm gonna win all these games for you tonight. I love you, please call me when you read this.
Jon