Shake Me Awake

It’s been a week since I blew up at Kent. I still have not forgiven myself.

He was right, though, I was pushing him away. I didn’t tell anyone about the texts or calls from Kale because I thought I could protect myself; thought I didn’t need anyone else.

Truth is, all those times I spent with Kent, however few they were, were the safest I have ever felt. Kale didn’t scare me because I had Kent by my side. I knew that Kent cared about me, and deep down I cared for him too.

Our friendship was like no other I’ve ever experienced. How could we manage to feel so close to each other in such a short amount of time?

Why do I feel so broken simply because I know that I hurt him? I never wanted to hurt him. He just happened to the first person to call me on my crap.

I’ve always pushed people away. I push my family away daily, yet, they are still right by my side whenever I need them. I don’t know why I feel the need to push people away, but I do.

And it hurts.

We’ve only known each other for about three months now, and I can’t seem to shake the feeling I get when I know he’s near.

I know I need to apologize to him. I know I’m in the wrong, but how do I show him that he’s right?

These thoughts are running rapid through my mind as I’m trying to busy myself in my apartment.

For a week now I have tried everything I can think of to keep to my mind from wondering to our last conversation. I’ve cleaned every inch of this place. I’ve rearranged my closet twice, mopped the kitchen three times, and even scrubbed the shower more than is probably sanitary.

I’m going crazy in here.

Ronnie has tried to get me out of the house a few times, but I always find a way to make it back home before we could have any real fun.

It doesn’t help that I’m only working part time still. The doctor took my hard cast off after I had the pins removed from my wrist last week, but with the kind of work I do at my job, it’s still tough to travel for long periods of time. I just stay at home and research instead of heading out to find my antiques.

So I’m stuck at home more than usual. Which would actually be fine If I wasn’t trying to avoid the hole that has started to slowly make its way into my soul.

I sit myself down on the couch to catch my breath after another tiring Friday of cleaning, but before I know it, I’m darting outside and heading over to Kent’s place.

The cool night’s breeze stings my face as I venture out in my tank and shorts. I’m sure my nerves will get the best of me. I’m shaking and I haven’t even made it to his door yet.

My head is hanging low and I can’t seem to keep my hands still as I walk past the playground and head to his door. My courage is slowly releasing itself from my body as I inch closer to his place.

“Spencer,” the familiar voice has no emotion behind it.

I turn to see Kent on the swing in the gazebo, so I make my way towards him.

When I arrive he is also with his head hung low while fidgeting with his hands.

“Kent, I…I need to talk to you. Can I…?” My voice is not very strong as I point towards the bench for approval.

A small nod is all I receive from him as he scoots farther down on the swing, allowing me plenty of room to sit to his right. “What is it, Spencer?” he says with a low voice.

As badly as I want to meet his eyes, I can’t let myself do it. I know that the moment I succumb to his pretty blues, I’ll be pure mush. I let out a small sigh before I form my words completely.

“I want to apologize for the way I reacted at you the other night. I know you were just concerned about me and you just wanted to help.”

Silence. Good sign? I don’t know. Just keep going.

“I know I should have mentioned the Kale thing.” A small cringe is released as his name is spoken. “I just felt that you all had bigger problems than to worry about this stupid guy and his stupid, meaningless threats.”

This time as I speak I turn myself to face him in the swing and bring my left hand to rest just above his hand as it’s resting on his leg.

“He’s dangerous, Spencer.” His voice is softer then I expected when he finally speaks.

“I know. I don’t know what I was thinking.” I hang my head again as I remove my hand from his arm, bringing it back into my lap.

“That doesn’t explain why you were pushing me away.”

“Kent, It’s not you,” Pause. Think about what you are about to say. You sound like you’re breaking up with him.

As if he gets the same feeling he lifts his head and meets my gaze; a questionable look on his face.

“Sounds like I’m breaking up with you. Great.” I hang my head again and hear a small, unexpected chuckle remove itself from Kent’s throat.

“It does actually.”

“Well, I’m not.” We exchange small smiles as I think about what next to say.

But he beats me to the punch.

“I know why you push people away, Spencer. I thought at first it was just me, but then I noticed it with Ronnie and your family.”

Oh great, here it comes.

“You don’t think you’re good enough for anyone. That’s why you try to bring out what you think to be your worst qualities and then shove them into everyone’s faces.” He turns to face me in the swing, grabbing hold of my left hand and continuing to speak. “I’ve watched you, Spence. I’ve seen you act this way at family diners, at parties, even just when you’re talking to Ronnie and me. You can’t seem to think that someone would love you the way you are, and you feel the need to prove that.”

I sit motionless as I process the hurtful words I know he meant with a caring heart. No one has ever figured me out before; not even myself. I don’t know if I ever actual realized that completely.

I look down at his gentle hand as it lightly rubs over my fingers, while I try to piece together a coherent sentence. I raise my head before speaking; meeting his blue gaze that now means more to me than ever before. “You got all of that just by watching me?” My voice is soft.

“I know more about you than you think I do, babe.” A small smile curls onto the end of his lips as his words hit the humid air.

“I don’t know what to say.” I hang my head again as I realize how exposed I am to him now. He knows my weird habits; he knows that I will subconsciously continue to push him away until I feel completely comfortable. And he’s still here. “You’re not going anywhere, are you?” I feel joy as I speak these words, and it’s apparent as I let a smile appear on my face.

He lifts my chin to look up at him as he responds, “No way. You are too crazy for me to leave you by yourself.” We both laugh as he pulls me into a warm hug. After we release we both stand from the swing. I’m not sure what else needs to be said so I give him a slight wave before turning to head back to my place.

His words stop me before I could make it very far. “Babe?” I turn to face him before he continues. “Promise me you’ll tell Chief. He needs to know.”

I know he’s right. I should tell my father about Kale. I’m just not sure how or when. I nod in confirmation before heading back to my apartment.