Anti Blue Skies

“I like this,” Louis murmured into my hair, grazing his fingers over my waist while I snuggled closer into his side.

We were sprawled out on my bed, cramming in a quick snuggle session before I had to pick up Lucy for her support group. It wasn’t until 5:00, so Louis decided he wanted to come over after his shift ended at 3:00. I wasn’t complaining, I didn’t have work today and my roommate wasn’t talking to me, which wasn’t necessarily new, but now I was just even more bored sitting around at home.

“Mmm,” I kissed his neck, “Me too.”

For a moment, his eyes lulled shut. I smiled and pushed my head up to plant a kiss on his nose before he flashed his bright baby blues open at my gesture, crinkles appearing on the side of his mouth when he smiled. I inhaled his comforting scent, pushing my ankle through the space of his calves so our legs were tangled near the end of my bed.

“I wish I could stuff you in my purse and take you with me.” I sighed, wanting nothing more than to be with him every second today.

He ran a gentle hand through my locks slowly, “Why can’t you?”

“You wouldn’t fit”

He laughed, “No, not the purse part. I mean the taking me with you part. I could meet your little sister, it’ll be a blast.”

“Well, it’s kind of a touchy subject for her.” I grimaced, “It’s not something she likes dealing with or talking about. Plus, it’s mother-daughter day and you don’t really fall under that category.”

“Neither do you,” he continued to swirl shapes into the dips of my ribs.

I shut my eyes, even if our mother was still around, she didn’t really care anyways. So as bad as it was to think about, she probably wouldn’t go to the session with Lucy even if she was paid to do it.

“True,” I opened my eyes, looking into his. “But I’m the closest thing she’s got to it.”

He nodded, kissing my forehead in understanding. “You’re an amazing sister.”

I smiled. I just tried my best to look out for my sister. Leslie may have been older than me, but sometimes she needed more help than Lucy did. Leslie was engaged and I knew she had her doubts, which was normal, thinking about marriage and a future and kids was a scary thought. Lucy, on the other hand, had such a fragile heart. I never needed to think about being her reassurance, I just was and that’s the way it is.

“Do you have any siblings?”

He nodded, “Four sisters. They’re a lot to take in.”

“Younger or older?” I asked, turning onto my stomach to get a better look at him.

“They’re quite younger actually. Lottie’s fifteen, then there’s Fizzy who’s thirteen and the twins, Phoebe and Daisy, they’re nine but sometimes they act like they’re my mothers age with their attitudes.”

“And they’ve only got you for a big brother?” My eyes widened jokingly.

He released a throaty laugh, curling an arm under his head. “Basically. They don’t really need me though.” He squinted his eyes upward at my spinning ceiling fan. “Most of the time it’s me versus them and I always end up getting left in the dust.”

“Your parents are divorced, right?”

He took in a deep breath and nodded.

I placed my hand on top of his, gliding my fingers through the spaces in his. “Then I’m pretty sure they need you more than you give yourself credit for. Maybe you don’t need me to tell you that, but I know I’m right.”

He was silent for a moment, and before I knew it he was tilting my head up and leaning forward to kiss me. His lips devoured my bottom lip, tracing it with his tongue and I reveled in the familiar taste of him. I lost track of time and my surroundings when his arm hitched around my leg, bringing it to the other side of his hip so I could easily straddle him.

His hands ran up and down over my arms and sides, then moving to settle on my hip bones, digging his fingers into the soft flesh on my lower back. He swallowed my moan that slipped from the back of my throat, sinking my teeth into his lip while he attempted a smile. The breeze from my fan felt nice on the back of my neck as the room started to boil.

My hands moved from the sides of his cheeks to his chest, leaning my weight forward to clutch the material of his light blue t-shirt. I broke our string of countless kisses to plant aggressive ones to his neck, slowly making my way to the dip of his collarbone. He groaned, rummaging his hands to the back of my thighs with a seductive circling of his thumbs.

I was putty in his hands even though I was the one who had him under me. As soon as his hands trailed over the bottom of my sweater, lifting the floral fabric slightly, I jerked my head back up. He immediately withdrew his hands, sympathy and shock written across his angelic face.

“I’m so sorry,” he blurted. “I shouldn’t have-- I just thought--”

“No, it’s okay.” I carefully rolled off him, returning to his side. “Now’s just not the best time.”

“I’m sorry, Lydia.” He said, sitting up.

I forced a tight lipped smile. “Me too.”

I was sorry because sex was a natural thing and it was so easy for people to get lost in, but I had only done it once, with Harry, and since the repercussions had such a negative effect on me, I was unsure of getting myself involved again. I knew Louis wasn’t anything like Harry and we weren’t in high school anymore, but just thinking about being physical in that way again left a sour taste in my mouth.

Instead of sitting in awkward silence, I pulled my phone off the bedside table and unlocked the screen to check the time. I had about an hour, which was just enough time to go across town to pick up Lucy and get to the community center on time.

“I should probably get going,” he noted, swinging his legs off the bed, facing away from me.

My face fell as I stared at his back before following his lead to get off my bed. We walked to the front door in silence and I waited for him to put his shoes on as I stood next to the coat rack, holding the door open.

He turned to look at me, and I noticed something lacking in his eyes. Something less alive. “Well, see you.”

Now I just felt like crap. Without thinking I sighed and stepped away from the door, standing on the tips of my toes to wrap my arms around his shoulders. I felt his hot breath next to my ear as he sighed as well, taking a moment to comprehend the situation then wrapping his hands around my back securely.

“I really like you,” he whispered. “Don’t let me mess this up.”

My breath caught in my throat, it was safe to say I wasn’t expecting him to say that. I didn’t know what I was feeling, but I got small little flutters in my stomach. Not having the words to express myself, I hugged him tighter.

When we pulled away, he smiled and reluctantly laughed. “Goodbye for real this time.” I giggled as well, reaching around him to grab my purse off the counter. “Enjoy the time with your sister. Glad to hear she’s doing well.”

“Of course I will. You too.”

He rolled his eyes, “We’ll see.”

I laughed as she shut the door, running to my room to touch up my hair and put on another layer of lipstick. I chose not to say anything when I noticed Louis fashioning a deep shade of red on his lips, he just looked too adorable. When I decided I looked decent and not like I was just making out for twenty minutes, I locked the door behind me, ignoring the glares I was getting from Quinn in the kitchen, and raced down to my truck.

*****

“See, I told you it would be fun.” Lucy beamed, jumping into the front seat and clicking her seat belt into place.

I followed suit, then turned out of the parking lot. “You didn’t tell me it would be that exhausting.” I turned down the radio and pushed my sunglasses past my forehead. “And you’d think they’d have a damn toilet. I had to wee the entire time.”

She shrugged, tapping her feet on the dash. “You have to admit it was pretty funny when Tanya thought you were my mum.” She laughed, rekindling the memory. “How old were you when you gave birth to me again, five?”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t remind me.”

“Relax would you?” She stated, “Isla says her mummy is always a bitch.”

I snapped my head around, my mouth falling open. “Lucy!”

“What?” She blushed, laughing awkwardly. “It’s true.”

I couldn’t help but laugh, staring at the road. My stomach growled, making me realize I hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast, which was at seven in the morning and just a flimsy piece of burnt toast. “Hey, are you hungry for anything?”

Lucy scrunched up her face in thought. “McDonald’s?”

I sighed, turning left to take the exit. “McDonald’s it is.”

*****

“Oh my god, yes. I’m starving.” I confessed, craning my neck to stare at the menu.

Lucy stood next to me, her hands in her pockets and an amused expression on her face, gawking at me. “Damn, fatty.”

“Luce,” I turned to look at her, nudging her arm. “You’ve got quite the tongue lately young lady.”

“Dad doesn’t mind,” she defended.

I rolled my eyes. Nobody cursed like our dad did. Actually, for as much as him and Leslie sweared, I wondered why I wasn’t just as bad. “That’s because he’s way worse.”

As she laughed and nodded in agreement, I stepped up to the counter, gisving the dollar menu another hard stare. I ordered a mcdouble and a small fry, knowing if I got anything more, I wouldn’t finish it. I could say I was hungry, but as soon as I’d start to eat, I wouldn’t be. Lucy dismissed the idea of dollar priced items and went for a snack wrap combo. I’d definitely be drinking her soda.

We settled into a booth near one of the windows, there was still crumbs on the table from a previous customer and there was a harsh chill from the vent above us, but beggars can’t be choosers and it was pretty crammed with business today.

“You better eat all of that,” I pointed a finger at her meal. “I payed for it.”

She rolled her eyes, dipping her fries into a small container of ketchup. I pushed the paper wrapping off my burger and before I could even draw it to my lips, it was ripped out of my hand, a giant mass of a body plummeting into my side.

It forced me to scoot over and when I looked to the side, Harry was stuffing half of it in his mouth. I glared at him, angrily listening to his satisfied chews and chomps. “See, this is why you have to get at least four of these,” he talked with his mouth full. “It takes two bites to finish one off.”

“You just have a big mouth,” I sneered, reaching for my fries because I knew my burger was a lost cause.

He shrugged, pushing the rest of it past his lips, a droplet of mustard falling onto the table. “I like your style Lucy.” He motioned towards the tray sitting in front of her. “That’s a proper meal.”

She looked to me, unsure of whether or not he was safe to talk to. I smiled reassuringly, but not big enough for Harry to notice. She smiled at him, taking a bite of her snack wrap.

Harry reached his hand into my fries and I reacted quickly, smacking his hand away. He pulled away for a second, eyeing me suspiciously before reaching forward again. I smacked him away yet another time. “Go order your own bloody food. I’m so hungry and thanks to you, I’m half way to starvation.”

“I ordered already, it’s just taking forever.” He crossed his arms over the table after running a hand through his hair. “Niall wanted a ton of shit. Probably sold out the whole goddamn kitchen.”

I chuckled, biting into a fry. “He’s too skinny to eat like such an obese man.”

Harry threw his arms up with wide eyes. “That’s what I say!”

“Who’s Niall?” Lucy asked quietly.

Harry put on his best serious face. “Only the biggest idiot on the entire planet. Last night he tripped over the same pair of shoes, four different times.” He explained and I smiled picturing Niall all clumsy. I knew him nearly three days yet he gave me a vibe like I’ve known him as long as Harry had, but maybe that was because of the way he talked about him. “Like seriously? How many times do you have to nearly fall and break your face before you realize ‘Oh, maybe I should move these’?”

Lucy and I fell into a fit of laughter, it wasn’t so much what he said, it was more how he said it. Harry’s deep and slow voice made any long story hilarious, especially when he was talking about his best friend. He acted like he couldn’t stand him, but it was the kind of hate only a best friend could have, one that wasn’t taken too seriously.

“Number 221!” One of the workers shouted, holding a receipt high above her head.

“That’s me,” he said, beginning to slide out of the booth. “You wouldn’t mind helping me carry the food to my car, would you?”

I looked at Lucy, a silent conversation as she nodded politely. I scooted out after him, telling Lucy to watch my purse before following him to the counter. He grabbed two bags while I took the other two, going outside while he held the door open with his shoulder. I heard the click of his Range Rover over the stem of cars in the parking lot, following the sound when he unlocked the doors.

“Is he gonna eat all of this himself?” I marveled down at the bags before setting them in the backseat.

“Don’t be silly, Lydia.” Harry laughed, leaning in after me to set down his bags as well. “Half of it’s mine.”

I rolled my eyes, waiting for him to shut the door and when he did, he turned back around to face me, a smile pecking at his lips. His eyes were sparkling in the sun, a glimmer in them that was hard to find sometimes, but now that it was there I wished it’d stay forever. I took a step closer to him for a reason that was completely unknown to me.

“So tell me the truth,” I started. “How are you?”

He rolled his eyebrows together. “Why?”

“Just because.”

He sighed, “Well, Niall’s guest room is more comfortable than your sofa.”

I laughed, nodding. I knew the couch wasn’t all that cozy, but it was on sale so what the heck. I rolled back on my heels, debating whether or not I should ask him what’s been on my mind ever since he went back to Niall’s. Once again he was in a great mood and I didn’t want to wreck that, but selfishly, I had to.

“Why do you have to stay at Niall’s though?” I asked, searching his face for any sign to stop talking. “That apartment we stopped at, on the way to Jeff and Mary’s reception, that was yours wasn’t it?”

I reached for his hand, but he tore away from me with a very prominent frown taking over him. Feeling rejected, I crossed my arms and hugged myself, but continued to look into his sorrowful eyes. He lost the glimmer in an instant.

“What’s it matter, Lydia?” He scowled.

I shrugged. “It just does,” I said quietly. “I want to know why you spend your nights hopping from bed to bed, but never your own.”

He looked up at the blue skies, pushing his tongue to the inside of his cheek and shaking his head. “You don’t have to know.”

“But I want to.” I stepped forward, hoping he wouldn’t pull away when I clutched onto his forearms. He didn’t. “Please, just tell me why.”

He glanced around the parking lot, he stared down at our feet, he looked everywhere but at me, luckily I was consistent. I rubbed my thumbs across the dark hairs on his arms, biting my lip. He fidgeted again, but with a giant sigh he finally looked back at me.

“I feel like memories never leave the place they happened. Especially the bad ones.”

I felt a queasy rumble in my stomach, not knowing if it was because I was still hungry or because his voice carried out an eerie sort of tone. Harry was a rock, things didn’t bother him, so it was too hard to tell what was eating away at him and taking the pretty green out of his eyes.

“What do you mean?” I questioned as he pulled his head down and I continued grazing his arms.

“I just--” He started, growing more irritated, but I found him settling into my touch. “I feel sick to my stomach even stepping in there for a few minutes. I sure as hell won’t spend a whole fucking night in that bed. It’s just plain wrong.”

His voice cracked and I knew he was struggling to keep his voice down. He pinched the bridge of his nose, a hot breath of air cascading out of his nose and onto my forehead. When he opened his eyes, I didn’t think he expected me to be as close to him as I was, but he was finally opening up, even if it was just for a little bit and I couldn’t just walk away from that. Even when he leaped back, his arms slipping from my hold on them.

I gave him his space, wrapping my arms over myself again. “It’s okay.”

“No, Lydia, it’s really not. You’d know that if--” He stopped himself, dialing over what he was about to say in his head. If this was about Jennifer, then I was about to get very angry, very quickly. He chose her over me and that was something I still to this day, couldn’t wrap my head around.

“If what? I was there?” I imposed, feeling the hurt and rage take over me as he held my stare. “As you so sweetly pointed out to me the moment you made your decision, smashing my heart into a thousand little pieces, I wasn’t there was I?”

His knuckles turned white as he held them in tight fists at his sides, skimming me over before letting out a big breath of air. I couldn’t tell if he was mad at me or himself, but if I had to guess, it was a lot of both.

“You don’t even know what happened?” He fired back, raising his voice to match mine.

“Of course I don’t!” I threw my hands up. “I can’t read your mind, Harry, you’re too closed off. If you have something to say just say it.”

He clenched his teeth together, running a hand through the front of his hair. His cheek bones looked hard and his shoulders were tense. The wheels were turning in his head, but the moment of silence, thankfully, didn’t piss me off further, it calmed me down.

Harry stepped in front of me, scratching the back of his neck. He craned his head down to look at me, bringing his hands up to cup each of my cheeks. As soon as his skin touched mine, I let out a shaky breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

“Right now, without overthinking it, what’s your biggest fear?” His voice had come down to a normal level, which settled my stomach immensely.

That was a hard question, there was a million things that came to mind. I didn’t like to say it out loud but I was scared of a lot of things. “You mean like, what I fear for my future or--”

Harry shook his head, furrowing his brows together. “I said not to overthink it.”

I took in a breath, my eyes scanning his. Out of everything, out of all the things that made my skin crawl or my legs shake, there was one thing that stood out as I pulled my hands to my face, placing them over Harry’s. “That I’ll never be able to fully forgive you.”

His face fell, but he spread his fingers, so I effortlessly slipped mine between his. “What about you?” I whispered.

He paused.

“That I’ll be guilty for the rest of my life,” he answered, grazing his thumb over my lips. He rolled his own lip between his teeth and I could see the pain in his eyes, taking over him as he relaxed and leaned forward.

For a moment, I thought he was going to kiss me. My body tensed and I sucked in a quick breath of air, of his air. I wanted to push him away, I wanted to run, but I just didn’t. Recently, I never thought about what it would be like to kiss him again. I was so used to forcing myself to hate him, but right now, I wanted nothing more than to release every bundled up emotion he had just planted in me onto his lips.

At the last second, he tilted his head up and planted a soft and delicate kiss to my forehead, twiddling a piece of my hair between two of his fingers. A small pang of disappointment surged through me, but I ignored it.

“Do you need a ride home?” He asked, tucking the same piece behind my ear.

I shook my head, feeling extremely awkward for feeling the way I was feeling. Hopefully it wasn’t anything Harry could pick up on. “I drove here.”

“Okay, well my food is getting cold and your sister is watching us through the window.” He chuckled, pulling away from me and digging his keys out of his pocket.

I turned my head back around at the building, and sure enough, Lucy was staring with wide blue eyes at the two of us. I hoped she wasn’t looking for very long, that could get awkward and I didn’t really feel like answering any of her questions.

“Yeah,” I huffed, turning to leave, but Harry’s scruffy voice stopped me.

“Do you maybe want to come over to Niall’s later? He keeps asking me when I’ll bring you round again.”

After how my mind and body reacted to the thought of Harry kissing me, I didn’t think coming over was such a good idea, but when I thought about seeing Niall the worry vanished completely. Plus, his date with Manny was tomorrow and I had to make sure everything was a go.

“Can you pick me up?”

“With the way you drive,” he said, opening the driver door. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”