Anti Blue Skies

Sunday came along a lot faster than I’d hoped. I wanted to avoid my family for as long as possible because I didn’t want them to know I was upset. Although, there really was no way to avoid Lucy. If I dug myself a hole and crawled into it, somehow her sister senses would tingle and she would still know something was wrong.

Maybe I should stop being so negative. Maybe family time was just what I needed. I didn’t need another round of cards or stupid chutes and ladders to cheer me up. Maybe I just needed my dad and sisters.

Instead of actually dealing with my problems, I liked avoiding them. By this, I mean I’ve ignored every text and call Louis had sent me since our incredibly awkward confrontation at the fair. I knew I should try to hear him out, but it was so fresh and confusing that I just didn’t want to. Call me wrong. Call me scared. Call me weak. It makes no difference.

Surprisingly enough, however, Harry took me back to my apartment in Niall’s car after noticing how upset I was over Louis and this new Brittni girl. I tried to stay strong and not show any sign of emotion, but apparently the look on my face gave me away. With one look at me, Niall and Manny didn’t have to ask any questions and Harry easily snatched his keys.

I didn’t say a word the whole drive home.

Neither did Harry.

After a long drive of silence, not even music playing, he parked in front of my apartment. When I got out, I didn’t hesitate in spinning around. It was effortless, like my body had been eagerly waiting for me to say something that was bottled up the whole way home.

“Hey, Harry?” I asked him, holding onto the door frame. I waited until I got his attention before speaking again, this time more confident. “Do you remember when I told you that I was scared I would never forgive you? You know, for choosing Jen and everything?”

He looked at me with a very intense expression. I noticed him shiver at the mention of her name, but his glossy eyes made me shiver. His stare was something I could never get sick of. They didn’t look at me. Or past me. Or through me. They looked in me, lighting my bones on fire.

He nodded.

“Well, I sort of lied,” I told him. “I’m not scared of that... because I forgive you.”

I saw the tiniest glimmer of a smile before it was immediately wiped away with a frown and furrowed brows.

He swallowed. “Then what are you scared of?”

It was a simple question. A question I knew the answer to. But I couldn’t tell him. Or at least not yet.

I forced a smile, slipping away from the door. “Goodnight, Harry.”

This time, instead of parking by the curb, I pulled into the driveway behind the garage. Immediately as I stepped out, the smell of smoke and chicken blew threw the air. My stomach growled. With nothing but Louis on my mind, I hadn’t really had much of an appetite. Now my body was punishing me for it.

“Looks like someone is making use of his incredibly expensive birthday present.” I smiled, approaching my dad. “Curtesy of yours truly.”

He turned over a chicken breast before pulling me into his side for a quick side hug. “I couldn’t exactly award you with MVD and then not use the grill, now could I?”

“How would you make chicken?” I joked.

“See what I mean?” He said with a chuckle. “There would be too many consequences.”

I loved watching him in his natural habitat. Grilling chicken, grease stains on his shirt, wrinkles in his forehead while he concentrated on mundane things. I mean, he had to focus more than the average human being or he’d break something or trip on nothing.

“Oh, Fuck! Jesus!” Dad yelled, jumping backwards.

“What?” I reached out to him. “What happened?”

He grabbed his wrist and grumbled a few more curse words under his breath. “Burnt my wrist.”

I laughed a lot harder than I should have, retaining myself from slapping myself across the knee. I mean, I should have bet money an injury was coming any minute. Once, Leslie and I did have an actual betting pool going, but he dropped a pan on his foot before we could even lay money on the table.

“Are you okay?” I tried to breathe, but it was a struggle to contain another giggle.

“Oh, shut up.” He hissed. “Don’t go nineteen years without a single ounce of sympathy and then ask if I'm okay after laughing at me. Nah uh. Doesn’t work that way sista.”

He waved his finger and pouted his lips.

“One, never do that again.” I said, trying to decide if I was embarrassed or humored, “Two, try not to die, okay? I’m going inside. Love you.” I kissed him on the cheek, smelling his old spice cologne and my love hate relationship with it. “The chicken looks amazing. Unlike your wrist.”

With a scowl, he tapped me on the head with dirty tongs.

***

“Let’s play twister next!”

“Lucy, you’re crazy if you think dad would be able to get back up.” Leslie retorted, shooting our little sister a pointed look. “When he’s down, he’s down.”

“Hey!” Dad exclaimed, throwing down a chicken bone. “You know, back in the day I was quite fit.”

“Ew, dad. Don’t say that.”

My sisters laughed, but I just couldn’t picture it.

“I liked a good round of footy with the boys and get this... I ran for fun.” He raised his eyebrows like that was supposed to be the most surprising bit of news we’ve ever heard.

Lucy gasped. “You did?”

“Yup,” he nodded. “Much more entertaining than your bloody cell phones you’ve always got your faces buried in.” Just then he pointed at Leslie. She was smiling at her phone screen and typing away.

“I mean look at Leslie. Every smile she puts into her texts to Joe, is a smile he doesn’t get to witness with his own two eyes. Sure, I might not be able to play twister, but at least I know the importance of socialization.”

Sensing the rest of us staring at her silently, she jerked up suddenly. “What did you say?”

Dad scooted out of his chair before gathering our dishes to take them to the sink. “Exactly. Texting is toxic.”

“I can assure you,” I started. “The last thing I want to do these days is text.”

***

After failing miserably to my sisters at Twister, Lucy convinced me to do her hair. She claimed she just wanted some quality sister time, but I knew she just liked the feeling of someone playing with her hair. But who could blame her?

I’d been kind of busy lately, I forgot to be a good big sister to Lucy. She seemed a lot happier, but I felt guilty for not doing enough. Maybe I should go to another group session with her? Or maybe, I don’t know, buy her a hamster or something.

“Do you ever miss mom?” Lucy asked me and I blinked, not even having to think about my answer.

“No.”

“Do you think mom misses us?”

“I don’t think it matters, Luce.” I sighed, raking my fingers through her hair. “Where is this coming from?”

‘Well, Jesse never shows up to group anymore because he misses his mom and I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I don’t know what it’s like to miss a mother because I never had one.” She told me, twiddling her fingers. “But it’s probably different for him. His mum died of breast cancer.”

“That’s so sad,” I whispered, feeling a big pit in the middle of my stomach. It was a sick feeling. “It is different, though. Very much so. Jesse lost someone he loves. I loved mom once too, but she left. She chose to leave us and to me, that’s a huge slap in the face.”

“I guess you’re right,” she nodded. “I feel so bad for him and I thought it would be easier to talk to him if I could relate. But I can’t.”

It was a sad conversation, a little boy losing his mother to cancer and just the thought of my own mother made me want to puke, but I couldn’t help but let a smile slip past my lips.

“Luuuuuuccccccyyyyy,” I drawled.

“Whaaaaaat?” She mocked me, giving me a confused look through the mirror we sat in front of.

“You like this boy,” I told her and it wasn’t a question.

Her cheeks grew red, but she smiled anyways. “So what if I do? He’s really nice and he can shoot milk out of his nose. It’s so funny. And he always has a compliment for me. Especially if my hair is down.”

I caught myself laughing with her. Crushes were so innocent and sweet and never obligated to amount to anything, but if they did then that was alright too. I was happy she was happy.

“At least one of us is having good luck with boys.”

She glanced at me funny, then rolled her eyes when I pushed her head where I wanted it the way all annoying hairdressers did. “What about Louis?”

I looked at her and actually thought about lying because that’s how indecisive and confused I was about him right now.

I sighed. “I just… I don’t know if I can trust him right now. He’s saying one thing and doing another and it makes me so bloody aggravated. And I feel like scum because I’m dodging his calls. I’m so pathetic!”

Lucy lurched forward, holding onto the back of her head. “Don’t take it out on my hair, please!”

I forced a laugh and an apology. But I wasn’t that sorry.

“Look,” she started and I had a feeling I was going to get schooled by a fourteen year old. “I don’t know what he did and you don’t have to tell me, but if he makes you happy… if he gives you butterflies when he looks at you and goosebumps when he holds your hand… then the least you can do is hear what he has to say.”

Louis did give me butterflies. With him, that innocent, non-obligated sort of crush comes back to me and makes me feel like I’m the fourteen year old. But with that bit of advice Lucy just gave me, I questioned if maybe she was the big sister.

“But what if I don’t like what he has to say?”

She scoffed. “Then slam the door in his face and move on to the next!”

I laughed, finishing up tying her bangs in a french braid. “When did you get so smart?”

“Maybe when dad dropped me on my head when I was a baby, I don’t know,” she joked, shrugging her shoulders. “But what I do know, is that you’re one of the coolest people ever and super pretty and smart. So if Louis doesn’t see that, then he can go fu--.”

“Lucy!”

She cleared her throat. “He can go. Period.”

***

Following my sister’s advice, I finally texted Louis back, despite what I had told my dad earlier. He insisted he would come over sometime this late afternoon so we could talk in person. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. I was sipping on a glass of water and watching an episode of Skins to keep myself from being sick. I felt nauseous at the thought of him sleeping with another woman.

The knocking at the door threw me from my thoughts and I shot off the couch faster than a jet, nearly tripping over a pair of Quinn’s sneakers as I got closer to the entrance. There was another knock before I swung the door open, not bothering to check through the peep-hole.

I immediately frowned and looked at the man in front of me with confusion, before he walked past me, nudging my shoulder in the process. Harry, with a hat on his head and a bag of chinese food, effortlessly approached the dining table only to pull out a chair and plop down on a seat.

I turned around. “Uh… what do you think you’re doing?”

He nudged his head at white take out boxes he was now pulling out of the bag. “What’s it look like? I’m eating dinner.”

I scoffed, “Why are you eating dinner in my apartment?”

Placing both fists on the table, he looked pretty frustrated. “Niall’s cooking Manny dinner tonight and apparently, neither of them are willing to deal with another plus-one on their date. I don’t really want to be around if the little Irish boy gets lucky, anyways.” Harry grimaced, biting into an egg roll. “He makes enough weird noises as it is.”

I guess I couldn’t argue with that. I had already assured him once that if he needed a place to lay his head, my apartment could be that place for him. And if Niall and Manny were getting hot and heavy at my place, I’d probably run for the hills as well. Another night with Harry wouldn’t kill me. Quinn on the other hand?

“Fine, but I’m expecting company,” I told him, crossing my arms and inching to take a seat by him. Mostly because I wanted to sneak a piece of orange chicken. “So you better be on your best behavior.”

“I’m always on my best behavior, Lydia.” He replied, shoveling lo mein into his mouth with his bare hands. He most likely didn’t wash them and who know’s where they’ve been.

I scoffed again. “Yeah, okay.”

Casually and silently, I attempted plucking some chicken out of the container.

“Oi! Get your dirty little gremlin hands away from my food!” Harry exclaimed, swatting me away and pulling the chinese food closer to him and further from me. “You probably have cooties.”

“Come on, just one piece.” I said, reaching over again.

“Nice try, but no.” He swatted me away again. “Chicken only goes to people who don’t lie about what they're scared of.”

I pouted my lip, scooting my chair closer to him. “Not even if they beg?”

“Not even if they beg.” Harry clarified.

He was holding a juicy chunk of chicken in between a pair of chopsticks. He was smirking down at me and I wanted to shiver under his gaze. My pout fell from my lips the same time his smirk fell from his, and almost as if he could read my mind, he drew the chicken closer to my mouth.

I wanted to sigh from how sexy he was. Feeding me. Watching me. Studying me. I opened my mouth slowly while my blue eyes found his green ones. Thinking back on that night at the fair I could recall how much I found myself thinking about staring into his eyes again.

His eyes grew a bit clouded as I closed my mouth around the chopsticks, then gently pulled my head back. I wasn’t one to feel sexy or anything like that, but watching him lick his lips and stare at me like he was no longer hungry for just chicken anymore, made me feel pretty damn close to it.

As I started to chew, a familiar knocking sounded at the door. With an apologetic glance at Harry, I slithered up to the door. This time checking the peep-hole to be absolutely positive it was Louis. It felt like I was about to throw up, but I swallowed it, not giving anxiety the ability to cripple me.

I didn’t know what to expect when I opened the door, but I certainly didn’t expect him to pull me into a hug. His arms wrapped around me so quickly I hardly even remembered why I was mad, but when I came to, I instantly pushed him away.

“Look, don’t do that right now,” I said quietly, hoping Harry couldn’t hear. “No small talk, okay? Please, just explain what’s going on. Are you seeing someone else?”

He raised his eyebrows, almost looking stunned that I asked him so abruptly. He must have decided his hands were out of place by the way he was stuffing them in his pockets like it was a cold winter day inside my apartment.

“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” Louis asked, attempting to take a step closer, but I blocked the entrance with my arm.

“That doesn’t answer my question. Are you seeing another woman?” I asked again.

“N-no! Lydia, I’m not interested in being with anyone but you okay?” He grabbed both of my arms, pleading me with his eyes. “It’s only you. But you’re right about Brittni. She’s not my cousin, I just told you that because I didn’t want you to freak out over nothing.”

I thought for a moment. Did he really think I was some psycho jealous girlfriend who would freak out over him hanging out with a friend that so happened to be a girl as well? I wasn’t that person. I’ve learned over time, first hand, that no good ever comes from jealousy. I also wasn’t is girlfriend so there’s that.

“You shouldn’t have lied to me.” I told him and he sighed.

“I know. If I could do it all over again I would.” He replied. His fingertips were gently rubbing my elbows and I wanted to do nothing more than pull myself into him. “Can’t we just start over? I won’t lie to you again. Ever.”

I wanted to say yes and kiss him harder than I’ve ever kissed him before. I wanted him to pick me up and spin me around. I wanted everything to be easy, but something was holding me back. I couldn’t quite pinpoint it, but my heart was keeping me from doing all of those things.

Just then, I went from leaning against the door, to nearly falling sideways as Harry pushed it open even further. When I looked up at him, he had on the face I recognized from that party Harry forced Quinn to have at our place. The night he first met Louis.

“You’re lying to her, mate.” Harry spoke up, his voice sounding gravely. “I can see right through you.”

Louis squished his brows together, tearing his hands out of his pockets. He reached up, trying to push Harry back as he spoke. “Alright, you’re the last person I want to see right now. This doesn’t concern you.”

Harry shoved his hand off of him while his upper lip twitched. If I didn’t know any better I’d say he was about to growl. “Don’t fucking touch me and don’t say this doesn’t concern me. You’re lying to her face!”

“What the fuck is he even doing here, Lydia?” Louis shouted in my direction, clearly annoyed with Harry.

I glanced between the both of them. “He needed a place to stay.”

Louis glanced around the hall, laughing, yet nothing was funny. “Oh, great. Just perfect!” He was pacing now, taking random steps while trying to make sense of everything. I could see in his eyes that he was hurt. “You’re standing here making me feel guilty, when you’re the one whoring around with another man.”

“It’s not like that,” I tried defending myself, but his words hurt. “I’m not--”

“I mean, I’m just so exhausted with whatever fucking drama you have with him. If you guys want to be together then just grow some balls and be together. But don’t lead me on and make me keep kissing your ass. That’s selfish!”

Harry narrowed his eyes, clutching onto the door handle so tight his knuckles turned white. “I’d stop talking if I were you, mate.”

Louis ignored him completely, stepping right up next to my face. I was only a couple inches from him, yet I couldn’t see him. This wasn’t the Louis I knew. This Louis was angry and rude and crass. He didn’t have to speak anymore because I already knew it was over.

But still, I was trying so hard to keep in my tears.

“Harry’s right, I did cheat on you with Brittni, and it was worth it, too.” He whispered maliciously. “At least she puts out.”

I looked down at the ground while my lips quivered and tears finally fell. Not because I was surprised, but because I expected those words were coming. I was a lot of things, but I most certainly was not a whore.

And I liked that about me. I was proud. Which I never wanted to be put down because of it.

In a second, Louis’s face was pulled away from mine with the single swing of Harry’s fist. The force of him sent Louis hurdling back against the wall across from us. The good, better part of me wanted help Louis even after all the horrible things he said. But right now, I followed my gut and let myself feel good about Harry hitting him.

Louis lazily bent over, feeling the blood drip from his nose. My frantic eyes looked between the two of them, before turning to go back into my apartment with Harry following closely behind, resting his hand on the small of my back.

“Lydia, wait!”

I turned around at the sound of his voice before angrily wiping a tear off my cheek. Tears were welling up in his eyes now as he crumbled to the floor. I could tell when the shock of everything he said to me sunk in. It wasn’t pretty.

“Are you mad?” It was a whisper, causing my chest to clench.

Shaking my head slowly, I looked between Louis and Harry once more. Harry was gently rubbing my back with his thumb and even though his eyes were set ablaze, he tried to give me a reassuring smile. It was enough to push the words out that were currently eating me alive.

Louis was looking at me with the saddest puppy dog eyes I had ever seen. Karma was a bitch and yes, I thought he deserved the blow to the face. But I didn’t feel bad for him. As selfish as it was, I felt bad for myself and what we could have had.

“You aren’t the guy I thought you were.” My voice broke, the sting of tears plaguing me once again. “So, no I’m not mad, Louis… I’m heartbroken.”

Once the door was shut and Harry and I were in the safety of my own apartment, I broke. And when I went to cover my face with my hands, Harry’s arms wrapped around me instead. The feeling I got when he did so was nothing I’ve ever felt with him before.

Clinging to him for dear life, sobbing into his chest, I felt safe.

I felt so empty and goosebumps were snaking their way up my skin. Harry used to scare me, make me feel uncomfortable, even awkward at times. But the way he was holding me so tightly was like I might collapse without out, and I think maybe I would.

I don’t know at what point we sunk to the ground, but I didn’t care. All I wanted was to cry and never stop. I knew eventually I would feel better, but right now, crying was all I cared about. Somewhere in my hazy, emotionally scarred mind and Harry’s soft shushing in my ear, I genuinely thought I was going to be alone forever. Maybe no one wanted me and maybe no one was ever going to want me.

“Please, stop crying,” Harry pleaded. “He’s scum.”

“It’s not him, I just--” I sniffled, trying to wipe my face while leaning my head on his shoulder. “God has a plan for everyone, right? That’s how that goes?”

“I mean, I suppose so.”

“Well maybe he just forgot to give me one. You know?” I asked, wiping my face over and over again because the tears wouldn’t let up. “Like, oops! Sorry Lydia, I missed ya.”

I could feel the weight of Harry’s face as it drooped against mine. “If that’s the case, I think he forgot about me, too.”

It was silent for a minute. I was still crying, but I had simmered down a lot. Now I was just appreciating the feeling of being cozied up next to Harry, even if we were on the cold floor leaning against a hard door.

“You do know you were too good for him, right? He was a dick.”

I scoffed. “I wasn’t too good for him.”

“I’m serious,” he said. “You deserve so much better than that. Someone that know’s when he’s got something really special. Because if you ever gave me a second chance, I’d be a fool to mess it up again.”

I lifted my head to look at him with my red, puffy eyes. He was staring at his hand on my leg and without hesitation, I leaned forward, pressing my lips to his cheek. I lingered for a moment, closing my eyes, before pulling away.

What surprised us both was that it didn’t really surprise us at all.