Regrets, I Have a Few

Matt fixed the top of his suit, adjusting his creamy blue tie around his neck that is already suffocating him and straightening out his matching vest before admiring his appearance in the mirror. He sends himself a dimpled smile, nodding in approval before walking out. Slipping on his black leather dress shoes, he heads to the door. He suddenly freezes when he sees an old picture of him and his wife Destiny. Picking it up, he sighs and runs his long, calloused fingers over her face, the memories flashing through him like a slide show causing tears to form in his eyes. He remembered that day like it was only yesterday. He quickly shakes his head. Matt couldn’t let himself think about that right now, he has a speech to get to and if he didn’t hurry he would be late.

“I’m so sorry Destiny,” he said under his breath before clearing his throat and setting the picture back down.

Pulling himself together, he walks out of his room and down the stairs. Heading towards the front door, he walks out into the afternoon heat, the sun’s heat radiating down on him and burning him through the silk of his blue suit.

Reaching his car, he climbs in and starts the car before pulling out of the driveway. He starts to make the drive to Huntington College where he is going to do a speech. He offered to do it because he needed to express the lesson he has learned thanks to Destiny’s death so that no one else makes the same mistake he did. They are all young adults, young and naïve and they are bound to make a lot of mistakes. He is determined to help them not make the same ones he did when he was young and naïve like they are. Now that he’s older, he has gotten a lot smarter and he looks back at what he’s done and he is ashamed of doing all of the stupid things he did.

Ever since it’s happened he’s been keeping to himself, isolating himself from his friends, family, and just the world in general, the guilt he’s feeling controlling him. Matt knows it’s his fault that she died and he will never hear the end of it thanks to his guilty conscience. He wishes that he could talk to her and apologize, he needs her forgiveness but he will never get it.

Sighing, he rolls down the windows, letting the breeze cool him and calm his nerves. When he first got the idea to go the college and do the speech he was reluctant to do it, but now he knows that he needs to do this and he will. Not only is he doing this for them, he is also doing it for her. It’s almost like a way to redeem himself but he knew it would never be enough. He’s been trying for years to redeem himself but it’s never enough for his guilty conscience. It won’t leave him. The memories still haunt his dreams and his thoughts.

Twenty minutes later, he pulls up in front of the college and he parks the car before climbing out, pulling his aviator sunglasses over his eyes. Walking towards the entrance, he looks around. He had to admit it is a pretty nice place. He has only been here once before and it looks just as nice as he remembered.

Reaching the pair of double doors, he pulls the door open, the cool metal felt amazing against his warm hand. He walks inside the building, removing his sunglasses and putting them into his pocket. He starts to walk down the long, narrow hallway towards the theater where he is supposed to do the speech. The sound of voices flowed out of the room towards him, vibrating against his ear drums and he took a deep breath, preparing himself.

He walks up to the wooden door, the feel of it cool and smooth against his hand as he pushes it open. Multiple pairs of eyes land on him and he smiles as he walks up to the stage.

Stepping onto the stage, he goes and stands behind the podium and looks out at the mass of college students before him. A lot of them were talking amongst themselves while occasionally looking over at him and he sighs before focusing on what he planned to say. He has rehearsed what he wanted to say but it wouldn’t come to him. After a minute, he remembers and he focuses back on the crowd. Bringing his lips to the microphone, he clears his throat. Everyone stops talking and looks at him. As he looked around, he could see looks of both boredom and curiosity on their faces. Some girls were staring at him dreamily and some of them, particularly boys glared at him.

“Hello everyone, my name is Matthew Sanders and I have come to speak to you all today about a very important lesson,” he starts. “That lesson is to Seize the Day or die regretting the time you lost. I have just recently learned this lesson thanks to my wife’s untimely death. I did so many stupid things back when I was your age and I look back now and think, ‘why in the hell did I do that?’ I don’t want any of you to make the same mistakes I did and that’s why I have come to you all today.” He looks around the room and sees some looking sympathetic while others look like they don’t care or believe a word he’s saying. “I know some of you are bored and don’t give a fuck what I’m saying but this lesson is very important and later in life you will look back and thank me for telling you this now. I’m going to tell you all a story. This story is a true story and it is my own personal experience. The reason I came here today is to share this story with you all.”

Closing his eyes, Matt lets the memories come to him.

-Flashback-
“Mattie, I have something to tell you,” Destiny said, sitting on the black leather couch in the living room and looking up at her husband with a big smile on her face.

“What is it baby?” Matt asked, smiling down at his wife as he stands in the doorway of the living room.

“I’m pregnant!” she exclaimed excitedly.

Matt’s eyes widened and he gasped in shock but it quickly turned into a smile. “Did you find this out just now?”

Destiny shook her head. “No, I’m six months along,” she answered, her hands moving down and rubbing over her belly.

Matt gaped at her. How is she so far along and he didn’t know about it? He looked down at her stomach and he just now noticed how big she is. Damn. “How come I’m only finding out about this now?”

“I haven’t gotten a chance to tell you because you are always hanging out with the guys. Half the time you never even come home. Daniel misses you and so do I.”

“I’m sorry baby, I’m home now and I promise to stay home all day today. Where is little Daniel?”

“He’s out at his friend’s house,” Destiny sighed out.

Matt nodded his head. “So are we having a girl or another boy?” he asked.

“Another boy,” Destiny replied, smiling. “I want to name him Ethan,” she murmured, smiling as she rubbed her small, pale hand over her belly.

Matt smiled. “I like it.” He looks down at her and his smile widened. He really did love his wife and he needed to spend more time with her. “I’ll be right back; I’m going to go get the video camera, for memories.”

Turning on his heel, he walks out of the room and upstairs to their bedroom. Entering the small room, he goes over to the dresser and picks up the video camera and heads back downstairs.

When he enters the room, he sees she hasn’t moved. He quickly turns the camera on and presses record, pointing it directly at her. He moves over to the couch so that he can get a better view of her, focusing it on her belly before bringing it back up to her face.

“Stop it Matt, I look awful,” she said, bringing her hands up and blocking the lens.

“No you don’t baby, you look beautiful,” Matt assured her, pushing her hands away.

Destiny smiles at the camera and rubs her big belly before looking back up and blowing a kiss at the camera.

“Matt and I are having another baby boy and we are both excited. We plan to name him Ethan.” Looking down at her belly she rubs over it. “Hey baby, what do you think of the name Ethan? Do you like it?” she spoke softly to the unborn child in her oversized belly. Destiny gasps and smiles when she feels the baby kick. “He kicked once so that’s a yes.” Looking up at Matt she smiles and he feels his heart swell with happiness and a big grin spreads over his face, exposing his dimples. Moving over to her, he wraps his arms around her and kisses her lips softly.

“I love you,” Matt murmured.

“I love you too,” Destiny said back immediately.

Brian, Zacky, Johnny, and Jimmy arrive at Matt’s house and knock on the door. Hearing the knock, Matt gets up and walks to the door. He pulls it open and he sees his friends and smiles at them.

“Hey man,” Brian spoke, pulling him into a hug and patting his back and Matt did the same.

Destiny held up the video camera, pointing it at Matt as she chatted happily with Jimmy who came and sat on the couch beside her.

“How’s the baby?” he asked.

“He’s doing great,” she responded. “Kicking like crazy though.” She feels the baby kick and she puts her hand down on the spot where he kicked and smiled when she felt him kick her hand.

Destiny looked back at Matt and saw him talking with Brian and the rest of the guys. She knew the guys came here to take Matt out and stir up some more trouble. She hoped that Matt would tell them no and stay with her, she needed him right now more than ever.

“There’s a small store down the road that isn’t very busy and there’s only one employee there. I think we can go get some money and get out of there without anyone catching us, let’s go,” Brian urged.

Matt shook his head. “I can’t man, I need to stay home with wife,” he remarked.

“Come on man, we need the money. I need some more alcohol,” Zacky insisted.

“Yeah man, we can buy some alcohol and get drunk and act crazy like we always do,” Johnny chipped in.

All of the guys looked at him expectantly and he considered it for a moment and then sighed. “Alright, let’s do it.”

Turning, Brian pats Matt on the shoulder as he makes his way over to his wife. He told himself that he would only be gone for a couple hours at most and then come straight home. Reaching her, he leans down and caresses her face.

“I have to go baby,” he murmured softly.

“But baby, you promised that you would stay home with me today. I need you,” she pleaded, looking up at him and silently begging him to stay with her.

“I’m sorry baby I have to. I promise I’ll be back in a couple hours and we’ll spend the rest of the day together,” he assured her.

He moved away from her and started to follow the guys. Matt didn’t want to leave her but he didn’t want to let the guys down. They always do these things as a team and he would be letting the team down if he didn’t go.

“No!” she shouted, getting up and trying to go after him but he is already out the door. Sighing sadly, she sits back down on the couch and starts to cry. She knew the guys were going to go out and get themselves in trouble and she had a bad feeling that they wouldn’t be able to get away with it this time. Destiny loved the guys dearly but they are such a bad influence on Matt. She just wants to protect Matt but he never listens to her and it hurt her a lot.

Climbing into the car, they head out. Matt quickly pulls a ski mask over his nose and mouth and pulls the hood to his hoodie up while Johnny puts his sunglasses on and pulls his hood up. Jimmy slipped on a black beanie and a pair of sunglasses while Zacky put a bandana over his nose and mouth, a black beanie on his head as well. Brian put a ski mask over his face and they all grabbed their bats and climbed out as Johnny parked in front of the small store.

Walking to the door, Matt pulls it open and they immediately lift their bats up and take off running, scattering around the store. Matt and Brian, jump over the counter and push the man who stood behind the cash registrar out of the way and forced it open while Zacky hovered over the man, threatening to hit the man if he so much as moved.

A cop car pulls up and Matt starts stuffing money into a small bag. When he sees the police he flips them off and gestures to the guys that it’s time to go. They start running off towards the back exit, Matt lagging in the back. The cops split up, one heading towards the back and one running behind Matt.

Dashing out the back door, Matt sees the guys climb into the car and just as he’s about to climb in, one of the cops comes out of nowhere and grabs him forcing him onto the ground. The cop pulls Matt’s hands behind his back and handcuffs him. He struggles but it’s no use. He has been caught. Matt watches as the guys take off, leaving him behind and he sighs loudly.

The officer pulls his mask off, exposing his face and picks him up.

“You’re coming with me,” the officer said, pushing him towards the front of the store where his car is.

The news reporter was there, taping the whole thing but Matt avoided looking at them. He really hoped Destiny wasn’t seeing this but he knew she would find out soon enough. The officer forces him into the car and he sighs and leans back against the seat. He hadn’t expected to get caught, they never have before but he should’ve known that they would one of these days. You can only get away with something for so long.

Destiny stood in front of the TV, watching as Matt is brought to the car in handcuffs. She closes her eyes as tears quickly fell down her cheeks. She knew this would happen.

Matt is quickly transported to the local prison where he is brought in.

“Remove all your piercings Sanders,” the officer commanded.

Sighing, he brings his hands to his ears and removes his gauges and sets them down on the counter. The officer pulls his lip ring out and then drags him through the prison until he reaches a small area where there is a small window. On the other side there are prisoners watching him and laughing at him.

“Remove your clothes,” he barked.

Matt ripped his clothes off, leaving him completely naked but he keeps his head held high and his face expressionless. He could feel the other prisoners looking at him but he paid them no mind. The officer throws him some blue trousers and a long sleeved shirt to match and Matt quickly slips it on before he is whisked away to a small room. He is pushed into a chair and his hair is almost completely shaved off.

Once he’s done, he is whisked away once more to one of the visiting booths with a telephone and he sighs as he sees Destiny waiting for him.

“Have fun Sanders, she doesn’t look happy,” the officer snickered at him, uncuffing him before going to stand in a corner to watch.

Matt takes a deep breath before walking over to the booth and sitting down. Picking up the phone, he watches her pick it up as well and just as he’s about to speak she starts yelling.

“How could you do this Matt? What you did was stupid and now look where you’re at; you’re at prison Matt, prison! Why didn’t you listen to me? I’ve warned you so many times that you would get caught but you never listen. I’m only trying to protect you but apparently you don’t give a fuck what I say. Do I mean so little to you?” Destiny shouted at him. Mixed emotions filled her: rage, sadness, hurt, and stress and she knew that she shouldn’t be feeling these things while she’s pregnant. The baby could feel her emotions and the last thing she wants is the baby having to feel these things.

“I’m so sorry baby. You’re right, I was being stupid. I should have listened to you,” he agreed, looking down and putting his forehead in his hand in shame.

“Damn right you should have! What will Daniel think when he finds out about this? I bet you didn’t even think about that did you! You’re so fucking selfish Matt! Not only that but I’m fucking pregnant with our second son on the way and I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this shit! I’m so fucking stressed and our son can feel all that and it’s because of you. You are setting a horrible example for Daniel, he looks up to you but all you do is go around and get yourself in trouble!” she yelled.

Matt felt himself starting to get angry, his hands clenched into fists and he glared over at her. “Don’t you bring the fucking kids into this Destiny. I work hard to make money for all of us. How in the hell is that selfish?” he yelled back.

“How? By stealing it! You should be ashamed of yourself, all of you guys should. You all have fucking jobs, there is no reason to go around stealing so you can spend your time drinking alcohol and getting drunk off your asses! You are barely home and I’m tired of it Matt. I’ve let it slide because I love you and I want you to be able to have fun with your friends but you’re taking it way too far!”

“Fuck you Destiny!” Matt cursed at her.

“Fuck you too,” she hissed, slamming the phone down and getting up.

She stormed off, tears falling down her cheeks. She can’t believe he’s treating her like this when he’s the one who got in trouble. Destiny has the right to be mad and yell at him, didn’t she? Walking out, she heads to her car. She needed to get back home to Daniel who is probably wondering where she is. Reaching her car, she climbs in and takes off. She rubs her hand over her head, feeling a killer headache coming on. Tears fell down her cheeks, blurring her vision.

All of a sudden, a big white van appears out of nowhere and crashes into her and that’s the last things she saw before blackness enveloped her and she was pulled out of the world.

Matt stops for a moment, the emotions crashing over him like a tidal wave, bringing tears to his eyes. He struggles to hold himself together because if he cried now, he wouldn’t be able to finish the story. Looking around, he sees tears in everyone’s eyes and he closes his eyes for a moment, breathing in deeply before opening his eyes once more.

“She was only 26 years old when she died, the paramedics came and they announced that she had died on impact and that the baby died as well,” Matt announced, a few tears falling down his cheeks. “When I found out about her death, I was devastated and it finally brought me back to my senses and I realized just how stupid I had been. The guilt immediately consumed me and I blamed myself for her death and I still do today. I spent the next few months in jail mourning over her, exercising to try and pass the time and keep my mind off her but it only worked temporarily. Most of the other times, I just laid in bed, the guilt making me miserable. Memories of our time together would flash through my mind and I would smile but when I was brought back to reality I remembered that she is gone and that I can never do the things we did again or anything else for that matter.”

“Did the other guys get caught?” a girl asked.

Matt’s eyes focus on the girl and he nods his head. “Yeah they did and they did their time as well until we were all finally released a few months later and the funeral came a few days later.”

Closing his eyes, he lets the memories of the funeral wash over him.

-Flashback-

Matt stood in the crowd at Destiny’s funeral with the guys who had their girlfriends by their side. Everyone was dressed in black and it was dark and cloudy outside. He felt so sad, empty and alone and he bowed his head as the eulogist spoke about his wife. He really wished she was here. If he could go back in time and take it all back he would but life doesn’t work that way and now he has to face the consequences for his actions.

Looking back up, he watches as they put her coffin into the ground and he starts to cry.

“I’m so sorry Destiny, I’m so so sorry,” Matt whispered under his breath.

Memories of him and his wife together flash through his mind. He sees flashes of her when she was pregnant with Daniel and him taping her, ending with them hugging and kissing and smiling at each other. Now the woman that he loved was ripped away from him and now he has no one. Not only that but his second son will never come into the world and live the life that he deserved to live. This thought made him cry harder.

“Do you have anything you would like to say about your wife Mr. Sanders?” the eulogist asked, looking over at Matt.

Matt simply nods his head and moves to stand beside the eulogist. He clears his throat, and wipes his face before starting to speak. “Where do I even begin? Destiny was such a beautiful kind hearted person. She always tried to help people including me and I can never repay her for everything she’s done for me no matter how hard I tried. She is sweet and lovable and she loved and cared about her kids and me. She’s helped me a lot when I was down and has stopped me from doing so many stupid things. I couldn’t ask for a better wife and it’s unfortunate that she had to leave us so early. I love her with all my heart and I will see her again.” He finishes and everyone claps as he walks down.

The other guys go up and speak a few words about her and he smiles as he hears some of their words. He knew the guys loved Destiny just as much as he did.

The funeral ends and Matt walks through the graveyard with his four best friends, his head bowed down. He soon separates from them and goes over to Destiny’s grave and collapsed onto his knees. Digging in his pocket, he pulls out the letter he wrote for her and set it on her grave.

“I love you so much Destiny. We will see each other again in the afterlife,” he mumbled, bowing his head.

Hearing footsteps, he doesn’t look up or turn until his son Daniel walks over and stands next to him.

“Dad, I miss mom,” Daniel told him, his head bowed in sadness.

Matt looks over at him and pulls him into his arms. “I miss her too but she is in the afterlife now and I’m sure she’s happy. We will see her again,” he assured his son.

Daniel wrapped his arms around his father and Matt rubs the back of his head. After a minute Matt sighs.

“Let’s go home,” Matt said softly, picking his son up into his arms before turning and walking away with his friends.

Matt brings himself back to the present and looks around, seeing that almost everyone has been crying. At least he knew his story affected people.

“Well that’s my story. My dad always told me to ‘Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost’ and now I understand what he meant by that. I hope that you all understand what I’m trying to say now and that you guys will follow that advice. Thank you all for your time and good day,” he concluded.

The crowd burst into applause and Matt smiled and started to step off the stage. He felt a little better now after telling people his story and he knew that it had helped them all.

Exiting the building, he sighs sadly and looks up at the sky. A gasp escaped his lips when he saw Destiny’s face smiling down at him.

“You did a good thing Mattie and I’m proud of you.”

He gasped even louder when he heard her voice in his ears.

“I did it for you and to help people not make the same mistake I did. I’m so sorry. I was so stupid and reckless…”

“Shh, that is in the past now Mattie. You need to move on.”

“I try but the guilt won’t leave me,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“There’s no need to be guilty anymore. Let go of all the guilt and sorrow you feel. I forgive you.”

Matt feels the guilt evaporate his body as soon as he hears her words and he smiled up at her.

“Thank you.”

Her face disappears and a big smile appears on his face for the first time in a long time. The guilt will no longer control his life and now he can live the rest of his life happily, knowing that she has forgiven him.