Status: Complete
Unconditional
Unconditional
It was on a lazy, rainy day in Dublin that I sat curled up on a couch in my flat with Colm, my boyfriend of a few months. I had the script for my upcoming play perched on my lap as I attempted to memorize lines while he worked on a blog. The only sound that could be heard in the entire room was the steady rain beating on the nearby window. In fact, I didn’t even notice that Colm had set his laptop down and had scooted closer to me, until I felt his hands on my shoulders.
“What are you hiding under that scarf of yours?” He questioned, playfully tugging at the end of my headscarf that I wore daily. “I’ve never seen all of your hair before.”
I instinctively swatted his hands away, slight panic rising within me. “So? I’m not hiding anything. I just like to wear it, that’s all…” I murmured. I stood from the couch, putting some distance between my boyfriend and I.
Colm raised a brow as he too stood from the couch, taking a step toward me. “All of the time?” He questioned ‘Don’t you like to do other things with your hair? Like using those..Curlers?”
I couldn’t help but laugh at his confusion.. “I wear different headscarves at times.”
Colm frowned as he stepped even closer. “Adi, I want to see your hair. I’m sure it’s absolutely gorgeous. May I?”
I shook my head. “No, Colm. Not now.”
‘Why not?” He asked. The curiosity on his face was now mixed with a bit of hurt.
“Please, don’t do this.” I pleaded, putting more distance between us. “No one sees my hair.”
“I’m sure someone has…”
“No one, not even my mum. Not anymore.” I shook my head. “Colm, I can’t show you my hair. Not right now.” Tears began to pool in my eyes.
The confused expression quickly turned to one of concern.
“Sweetheart? What’s wrong? I didn’t mean to upset you,, I…”
“Please, don’t ask to see my hair. I can’t show you. You won’t look at me the same way if I do. I can’t bear for that to happen, so just leave it alone, please..”
“Look at you the same way? What on earth put a thought like that in tour mind? Addison Jones, you could be bald and you’d still be the most beautiful woman in the world.” His voice was filled with so much sincerity that it nearly broke my heart. He stepped closer, placing both hands on my cheeks and looking straight into my eyes.
“I love you, Adi, and not a thing in this world would change that.”
Tears slipped down my cheeks as I stared back at him. “I’m afraid…” I whispered, “And ashamed. W-When you mentioned the word bald, you weren’t far from the truth.”
Colm’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. “But, I’ve seen…”
I held up my hand, causing Colm to stop mid-sentence. “Just…just let me show you.. It’s time that I be honest with you. You deserve the truth.” I said quietly.
I turned around, my back facing Colm, and motioned for him to take my headscarf off. “Go on, you can untie it.”
It felt like an eternity had passed before I felt Colm’s hands gently grazing my neck as he untied the headscarf. For a while, he left the scarf in place, his hands remaining on my shoulders. I bit my lip, praying that he’d just go ahead and get it over with. The waiting was absolutely killing me. Finally, I felt the cool air hit my scalp as he lifted the scarf my head, allowing it to drop on the floor. It was only seconds later that I felt Colm’s fingers gently running over my scalp. I heard a gasp escape his lips as he lingered over a particularly large patch of bald skin at the crown of my head. ‘What…What happened? Why are you.....Oh God, Adi, are you…”
“No, Colm. I’m fine. It has nothing to do with a physical disease. Don’t worry, I don’t have cancer, and I’m not taking a medicine to cause this. Though, that’s usually the first reaction when people see my hair.”
Colm spun me around to where I was facing him, “How did this happen? How…What caused this?”
I dropped my gaze to the floor as the feeling of shame flooded over me. “I…I did this. It was me.” I whispered. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
There was a very pregnant silence between us. It seemed that both of us were speechless, both searching for the words to say. All the while, an ocean of emotions washed over me. Regret, anxiety, fear… What was going through his mind? “Please, say something..” I whispered. “Yell, scream…something. Just…Don’t be so silent.”
“Sweetheart, why would I yell at you?” He questioned, placing his hands on my shoulder. I kept my gaze trained to the floor. “I’m not angry, I just..I’m trying to understand.”
“This would be a first…This is by far the calmest reaction I’ve received after revealing my hair.” I still didn’t dare look at Colm. Though his voice held the same calmness it always did, I was afraid to see the look of shock or disgust that was sure to be on his face. “Especially my mum. I believe she was the worst of the family. She was rather angry.”
I felt Colm slowly tip my head upward, though, I continued to avoid his eyes.
“Adi, look at me.” He whispered. “Please, I just want to know…Why?”
I finally met his gaze after a few moments. I was surprised to see genuine confusion, concern, and love in his expression rather than anger and disgust, like I had expected. “It’s quite a long story.”
“I have nothing but time, Sweetheart.” He whispered before pressing a soft kiss to my forehead.
I released a shaky breath that I hadn’t realized I was holding before reaching for my headscarf. I was stopped, however by Colm’s hands upon my own. “You don’t have to put it back on, Adi. You’re absolutely beautiful with or without it.”
I bit my lip and nodded, instead taking a seat on the couch, with Colm following suit. “Okay…How do I begin…” I shook my head, looking down at my hands. “I honestly don’t even realize I’m pulling, you know. It’s an impulse…I do it when nervous…stressed…bored. Or extremely upset. It’s called trichotillimania, or trich. It’s considered an obsessive compulsive disorder. I’ve had it for nearly eight years, now.” I spoke up, “I pull my own hair out, how insane can I get?” Ashamed tears began to slip down my cheeks once again, and I felt Colm’s hand envelope my smaller one, lacing his fingers with mine.
“You’re not insane…” He murmured, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. “I’d never think you insane.”
I leaned into his embrace, remaining silent for a few moments as I allowed myself to cry. Colm held me close, rubbing soothing circles on my shoulders and whispering words of comfort in my ear. Ever so often, he’d kiss my cheek or forehead softly. He was being absolutely amazing to me, just like he always is. Nothing had changed between us, like I had feared. In fact, I felt like we had grown closer. There were no secrets between us, now.
“Thank you…” I murmured after a few moments. “For being so understanding. No one else ever been so understanding with me about this. I had been so afraid to tell you, Colm. I was terrified.”
Colm placed a hand on my cheek, turning my head to meet his gaze.
“Sweetheart, you should never be afraid to tell me anything. When I tell you I love you, I mean it. I don’t love you for certain qualities, I love your for you, just the way you are. And I wouldn’t change a single thing about you…Not for the world…” He kissed me soundly.
I smiled as we parted, looking into his blue eyes. “I love you, too, Colm.”
..........................................................................................................
This is something I struggled with writing and posting. Trichotillimania is an obsessive compulsive disorder in which the victim has the urge to pull out his or her own hair. Many times, those with the disorder don't realize they're doing it. In many instances, the pulling is painless. I have been battling trichotillimania on and off again for eight years.
“What are you hiding under that scarf of yours?” He questioned, playfully tugging at the end of my headscarf that I wore daily. “I’ve never seen all of your hair before.”
I instinctively swatted his hands away, slight panic rising within me. “So? I’m not hiding anything. I just like to wear it, that’s all…” I murmured. I stood from the couch, putting some distance between my boyfriend and I.
Colm raised a brow as he too stood from the couch, taking a step toward me. “All of the time?” He questioned ‘Don’t you like to do other things with your hair? Like using those..Curlers?”
I couldn’t help but laugh at his confusion.. “I wear different headscarves at times.”
Colm frowned as he stepped even closer. “Adi, I want to see your hair. I’m sure it’s absolutely gorgeous. May I?”
I shook my head. “No, Colm. Not now.”
‘Why not?” He asked. The curiosity on his face was now mixed with a bit of hurt.
“Please, don’t do this.” I pleaded, putting more distance between us. “No one sees my hair.”
“I’m sure someone has…”
“No one, not even my mum. Not anymore.” I shook my head. “Colm, I can’t show you my hair. Not right now.” Tears began to pool in my eyes.
The confused expression quickly turned to one of concern.
“Sweetheart? What’s wrong? I didn’t mean to upset you,, I…”
“Please, don’t ask to see my hair. I can’t show you. You won’t look at me the same way if I do. I can’t bear for that to happen, so just leave it alone, please..”
“Look at you the same way? What on earth put a thought like that in tour mind? Addison Jones, you could be bald and you’d still be the most beautiful woman in the world.” His voice was filled with so much sincerity that it nearly broke my heart. He stepped closer, placing both hands on my cheeks and looking straight into my eyes.
“I love you, Adi, and not a thing in this world would change that.”
Tears slipped down my cheeks as I stared back at him. “I’m afraid…” I whispered, “And ashamed. W-When you mentioned the word bald, you weren’t far from the truth.”
Colm’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. “But, I’ve seen…”
I held up my hand, causing Colm to stop mid-sentence. “Just…just let me show you.. It’s time that I be honest with you. You deserve the truth.” I said quietly.
I turned around, my back facing Colm, and motioned for him to take my headscarf off. “Go on, you can untie it.”
It felt like an eternity had passed before I felt Colm’s hands gently grazing my neck as he untied the headscarf. For a while, he left the scarf in place, his hands remaining on my shoulders. I bit my lip, praying that he’d just go ahead and get it over with. The waiting was absolutely killing me. Finally, I felt the cool air hit my scalp as he lifted the scarf my head, allowing it to drop on the floor. It was only seconds later that I felt Colm’s fingers gently running over my scalp. I heard a gasp escape his lips as he lingered over a particularly large patch of bald skin at the crown of my head. ‘What…What happened? Why are you.....Oh God, Adi, are you…”
“No, Colm. I’m fine. It has nothing to do with a physical disease. Don’t worry, I don’t have cancer, and I’m not taking a medicine to cause this. Though, that’s usually the first reaction when people see my hair.”
Colm spun me around to where I was facing him, “How did this happen? How…What caused this?”
I dropped my gaze to the floor as the feeling of shame flooded over me. “I…I did this. It was me.” I whispered. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.
There was a very pregnant silence between us. It seemed that both of us were speechless, both searching for the words to say. All the while, an ocean of emotions washed over me. Regret, anxiety, fear… What was going through his mind? “Please, say something..” I whispered. “Yell, scream…something. Just…Don’t be so silent.”
“Sweetheart, why would I yell at you?” He questioned, placing his hands on my shoulder. I kept my gaze trained to the floor. “I’m not angry, I just..I’m trying to understand.”
“This would be a first…This is by far the calmest reaction I’ve received after revealing my hair.” I still didn’t dare look at Colm. Though his voice held the same calmness it always did, I was afraid to see the look of shock or disgust that was sure to be on his face. “Especially my mum. I believe she was the worst of the family. She was rather angry.”
I felt Colm slowly tip my head upward, though, I continued to avoid his eyes.
“Adi, look at me.” He whispered. “Please, I just want to know…Why?”
I finally met his gaze after a few moments. I was surprised to see genuine confusion, concern, and love in his expression rather than anger and disgust, like I had expected. “It’s quite a long story.”
“I have nothing but time, Sweetheart.” He whispered before pressing a soft kiss to my forehead.
I released a shaky breath that I hadn’t realized I was holding before reaching for my headscarf. I was stopped, however by Colm’s hands upon my own. “You don’t have to put it back on, Adi. You’re absolutely beautiful with or without it.”
I bit my lip and nodded, instead taking a seat on the couch, with Colm following suit. “Okay…How do I begin…” I shook my head, looking down at my hands. “I honestly don’t even realize I’m pulling, you know. It’s an impulse…I do it when nervous…stressed…bored. Or extremely upset. It’s called trichotillimania, or trich. It’s considered an obsessive compulsive disorder. I’ve had it for nearly eight years, now.” I spoke up, “I pull my own hair out, how insane can I get?” Ashamed tears began to slip down my cheeks once again, and I felt Colm’s hand envelope my smaller one, lacing his fingers with mine.
“You’re not insane…” He murmured, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. “I’d never think you insane.”
I leaned into his embrace, remaining silent for a few moments as I allowed myself to cry. Colm held me close, rubbing soothing circles on my shoulders and whispering words of comfort in my ear. Ever so often, he’d kiss my cheek or forehead softly. He was being absolutely amazing to me, just like he always is. Nothing had changed between us, like I had feared. In fact, I felt like we had grown closer. There were no secrets between us, now.
“Thank you…” I murmured after a few moments. “For being so understanding. No one else ever been so understanding with me about this. I had been so afraid to tell you, Colm. I was terrified.”
Colm placed a hand on my cheek, turning my head to meet his gaze.
“Sweetheart, you should never be afraid to tell me anything. When I tell you I love you, I mean it. I don’t love you for certain qualities, I love your for you, just the way you are. And I wouldn’t change a single thing about you…Not for the world…” He kissed me soundly.
I smiled as we parted, looking into his blue eyes. “I love you, too, Colm.”
..........................................................................................................
This is something I struggled with writing and posting. Trichotillimania is an obsessive compulsive disorder in which the victim has the urge to pull out his or her own hair. Many times, those with the disorder don't realize they're doing it. In many instances, the pulling is painless. I have been battling trichotillimania on and off again for eight years.