The Resident Leader

We left the next morning, before the sun had a chance to climb into the sky. We kept to the back roads, trying to remain undetected. Tay’s car was second hand. The exhausted was falling off and the thing made so much bloody noise I could scarcely believe no farmers had come to see what was making the racket. Obviously, Tay was quite embarrassed by the old rust bucket.

“It was Jimmy’s. He liked cars, you know,” She explained, turning right, down into a other winding lane. “Where are you hoping to run to, anyway?

“The south, it’s where I'm from.” I replied, staring out the window. Of course Jimmy was dead. I knew it in my heart and now after a night of denial she was coming to terms with the truth.

I’d fucking killed St. Jimmy. He was the son of rage and love, a spark in the night. For the thousands of residents in the city he was the answer. He provided hope and drugs to the people who had lost their way in life. And I fucking took that from the people who could've been mine. Now I could never go back there without being arrested for the murder of St. Jimmy.

We drove on in silence, both of us afraid to talk. Occasionally, I'd send her off in the right direction, dying to get home. I just wanted to be back with Jimmy Jewels and the other psychos I called my friends. They probably wouldn't remember, or would've moved on with time. I left without saying goodbye, deciding it would be better to sneak away without any tears or hugs.

We pulled into the tiny little town where I live as the sun was beginning to fall. The place was as old and decrepit as ever, even older maybe. It felt strange, like the whole place had just been abandoned when I left. Maybe they followed me to the city. Tay tagged long behind me, watching me intently. From out of nowhere, the roar of bike flooded our ears. I smiled, knowing I was home and I wasn't alone.

It was Mad Lee I saw first, whizzing around the corner on his old scooter. He wasn't too bothered by it really, so long as it worked and was clean he was alright. He grinned at me as he stepped off the scooter, lifting his helmet over his head. "We all thought you'd gone off and died!" He laughed, running over to give me a hug.

"Well missed you too, twat!" I teased, ruffling his already messy hair. He grinned, then noticed Tay's presence. Looking at her reminded me of the city, and St. Jimmy's dead body. "This is Tay, she helped me get out." I explained, swallowing. What if someone followed us here? What if she turned me in? She wouldn't lead them here, would she?

"Get out? What happened? Come on, the others have got a fire going of the moorland. Might was well go there. Follow me." He let go of me and slipped his helmet back on before getting back on the rusting old scooter. We jumped back in the car and followed him out of town, up onto the moorlands where the coal mines used to be. When I was young and stupid, I fell into one of the abandoned shafts, but that's a story for another time.

As Lee had said, the others were sat around a fire by a cliff edge. Ilan the Yank, Jimmy Jewels, Lucky Lewis and Goodnight were all there, looking at me as if I was a figment of their imagination. "Alright lads?" I asked quietly, sitting down slightly away from them.

Lewis, the football hooligan glared at me. "What the fuck do you think you're planning at you bastard? Running off like you did? Think it'd be funny? Well it fucking wasn't." He growled dangerously. Of course they'd moved on. I shook my head and sighed, knowing I had to tell them why. I didn't want to, it was deeply personal.

"No boys, listen. My dad came back. He moved in opposite us on Princes Avenue and he kept trying to... well you know what he did. As well as that, my step dad and my mam were just fucking with me, making me feel like shit all the time. I'm sorry, but I just felt like I wanted to die. I didn't want to upset you either by leaving, didn't want to have to see you get upset. So I just left." I said softly, hanging my head. I wondered if my dad had been arrested yet? I'd be surprised if he hadn't.

"Yeah well you could've left something like a note. They had search parties out looking for you," Lee growled. "Anyway, what's she doing here?" He nodded towards Tay.

I looked across at her, with a 'should you tell them or should I?' sort of look. She shook her head.

"I've killed someone, possibly two people." I said quickly with a deep breath. I felt sick as their looks became even more disgusted than previously. "I didn't mean to!" I protested desperately.

"What are you, four?!? Come on asshole, don't try and pull that one off. How many stupid things have you done that you 'didn't mean' to do? Huh?" Jimmy stood up, towering over me. I crawled backwards slightly, suddenly feeling very small, even smaller than I did in the giant city. "How dumb can you get, Ian?!"

A pair of arms wrapped around me, holding me closer. I nestled into Tay's body, trying my hardest not to cry. I just felt so alone, now even my closest (maybe my only) friends had left me. I wanted to die, alone in the world as usual. I never could trust them, like I could never trust my father. I probably can't trust Tay either. They all wanted to hurt me in some way or another. The raging fire and Lewis' increasing anger made me feel vulnerable and childish. I wanted to be with my mother, but why the fuck would she help? She wouldn't sing me to sleep or cuddle me until it was all better. If she even opened the door she'd tell me to piss off her go buy her more fags. What about my father? Yeah, he would help, sure he would. He'd tie me up and leave me in his basement and let other men use me and degrade me until I was nothing. It would be nice to be nothing. I stood up and sprinted back to the car. I sped off before Tay had time to react, leaving her with the group. I couldn't care less if they hurt her or used her, people fucking suck.

I burst into tears, driving aimlessly, contemplating what to do. I could always hand myself in, but I wasn't ready to give up. I even thought about going to my father, ready to deal with the torment and the abuse. But I was in enough pain already without the constant rape and beatings. I just wanted to be nothing, to feel nothing. Maybe I should kill myself? But Ilan once said that would be selfish. Fuck it! Where was he right now when I needed him? Who would miss me anyway?

Maybe taking my own life would make up for the one Jimmy lost? I smiled to myself, feeling very exhausted from the crying and driving. I pulled into an overnight car park and drove down the further end to be alone. I was too tired now. How would I do it anyway, run over myself? Set fire to the engine? Too tired to think. The sun was behind the clouds, and I realised I hadn't eaten in at least two days. Ah well, what did Dad always say? 'Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels'.

I climbed over i to the backseat of Jimmy's old car and lay down, breathing heavily. I felt awful, tired and unclean. But tomorrow, it would all be over.