All That I've Got

Gerard’s P.O.V.

There was a loud crash. Gerard’s eyes jumped up from his sketchbook and his line of sight was filled with a half-naked Nate. The younger boy was running through their small apartment, shirtless, picking up the dirty clothes littering every open space on the floor.

Gerard remained confused until he spotted Brian rounding the corner of the living room, threats spewing from his mouth and the words ‘clean this place up’ rolling off his tongue repeatedly.

Gerard jumped up as soon as Brian’s gaze was set upon him. He immediately started picking up the empty glasses and ripped magazines that were practically pieces of the room, based on how long they’d been there.

It was surprising that they’d only been here for three weeks, but the seven of them had made a mess fit for a home already. Gerard couldn’t help but regret that they even had to live like this, though, that their lives before were gone forever. That it was all his fault.

At first, they’d stayed in Red Roof Inn’s and Motel 6’s. But as time had passed- and the ‘all clear’ still wasn’t issued for them to move back to Jersey- Brian had started looking for a permanent place for them to stay.

He’d found that place in the form of this apartment. It was located in upscale Tennessee, and the weather was the polar opposite of Newark’s. It was November and Gerard didn’t even need a coat to walk to his new high school.

Speaking of which, the new school was also the opposite of his old one. It was bursting with colors: spirit red and brightly shaded smiles. Gerard knew Frank would’ve loved it, loved that nothing was gray, and it didn’t rain all the time (ruining both their hair).

And holy shit that thought hurt.

Gerard had been practicing shutting off his brain whenever Frank had came up. That had lasted a week, and now every time he thought of the boy (which was always) it felt like someone punched out his heart and stole his breath.

Often, it was so bad that he’d end up on the floor, air moving too fast into his body and limbs trembling. It was those times that he literally felt like the loss would kill him.

Despite that, there was one thing that always made him manage to get up and push the feelings into numbness. It was that, somewhere out there, Frank was safe.

Frankissafe, Frankissafe, Frankissafe, Frank isn't here, but Frankissafe.

Gerard had found this quickly becoming his mantra. He’d said the words before he slept, he’d said them in his school classes, he’d said them when he felt like there was no color in the world anymore.

Words from weeks ago rung in Gerard’s head as he cleaned: “Frank won’t remember you, but Frank will be safe. He will be okay without you, and you’ll be okay without him. I promise.”

The words had been from off Brian’s tongue, and they’d been empty promises and hidden pain. Gerard had thought agreeing was an act of love, that it was the right choice, but each day that passed without Frank, Gerard knew he’d made a mistake. Maybe the biggest of his life.

“Gee, you’re overthinking.”

Gerard was snapped back to the present (where his hands were sticky from old soda and his world was askew).

It was Mikey who’d spoken. He’d appeared, conveniently, after Brian had apparently left the room. Gerard could just see the jagged points of Mikey’s folded wings beneath his brothers t-shirt, but there was no mistaking the concerned look on the other boy’s face.

Mikey always seemed to know when Gerard’s mind was swallowing him, and not in the good, creative-processing way. Brian and the rest of the household were pretty good at it too, and they’d help Gerard sit down so his legs didn’t give out if he had a meltdown.

“I know you’re thinking about Frank,” Mikey continued, stepping forward to take the forgotten glasses from Gerard’s hands. “And I know nothing I say will make you stop, but you need to remember that life goes on. Don’t let the pain swallow you like you did when mom and dad died, okay? Please.”

Gerard flinched, and he felt like every vein in his body contracted with the pain of the memories. Worse, Mikey was giving Gerard a pleading look, one Gerard had never seen before.

It was true, he had been pretty much deadened by sadness after their parents had been killed. He’d gone through the stages of loss, then circled around and went through them again and again.

The pain had only really started ebbing away in the last year, but then Gerard had lost Mikey, and now Frank - and suddenly Gerard could feel his entire body shaking.

This was his life now. Win, lose, take, gain, and have it taken again. Some piece of Gerard was always missing, and Gerard would never settle with being a half-finished puzzle.

So why had he agreed to let Frank go?

“Stop it, you’re doing it again,” Mikey’s voice went sort of high and panicky, and that’s when Gerard knew his brother needed him. There, in the present.

Slowly, pushing Frank to the back of his mind (where he wouldn’t stay for long, the insistent and lovely fucker), Gerard wrapped his arms around Mikey.

It was always awkward hugging him because of his spiky metal wings, but they’d both gotten used to the uncomfortableness. Mikey hugged back, and Gerard made promises that hung in the air between them, weighted with things they could never be.

“I’m okay.”
“This won’t be like last time.”
“Everything will fall into place.”

Mikey seemed to accept them; Gerard knew he’d never let himself. . .but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t try.

----

It happened that night.

Gerard was in the room he shared with Mikey, Nate, and Mark.

In the moonlight, Mikey’s exposed wings glinted, and the shades over the windows painted stripes across the carpet.

Everything was silent, save for the whooshing breaths of sleep. Which meant everyone was out cold except Gerard.

Gerard hated that feeling. It was like everyone had gone away on an adventure, leaving Gerard waiting for the sun to rise or his eyes to bring the world to blackness.

Just as his body began to feel heavy, like he was sinking, there was a shrill noise. The sound jerked Gerard from the edge he was on, and his whole went body went ridged until he recognized the sound.

It was Brian’s phone, resonating through the thin apartment walls. This wasn’t the first time the noise had woken any of them up, but still Gerard couldn’t manage to untense his body. Something was different this time.

He heard Brian shake himself clumsily from sleep, then one of the phone’s rings was cut suddenly short.

“Hello?” Sleep-logged Brian grumbled.

There was a pause, so weighted that the seconds were anvils on Gerard’s chest.

Then: “Frank?!”

That one word had Gerard throwing the anvils off, had him out of his bed, crashing to the floor and running out the bedroom door.

Someone was suddenly up beside him. It was Mark. He must’ve been woken by the phone, and that meant he’d heard Brian’s shocked voice, too.

Together they jostled their way down the hallway, and Gerard fell forward as he slammed open Brian’s bedroom door, ending up on his hands and knees.

Brian was sitting on the edge of his slept-in bed, eyes wider than his sockets should’ve allowed them to be. He didn’t say anything at Gerard and Mark’s violent entrance, he just sat completely still and listened to whatever was being said on the other line.

“That’s how you got this number?” Brian said. Gerard didn’t move from the floor and didn’t remove his eyes from the receiver in Brian’s hand.

Brian suddenly angled his body away from the two boys who were listening in the doorway, as if that would muffle his voice when he said “You’re in Chicago?”

Gerard’s heart stopped. The UAI hadn’t told any of them where they had relocated Frank to- not even Brian- and now they knew.

And now that Gerard had that information, how would he ever be able to sleep knowing Frank was real and out there, and not even that far away?

Pain flashed across Brian’s face suddenly, bringing Gerard crashing back to the dark bedroom that was too small for all of them and their nerves too.

“No, Frank. We would never have left you. It-it was for your own safety,” Brian scrubbed at his face. “I-no Frank, we can’t.”

“Can’t what?” Gerard blurted out. “We can’t what, Brian? We can do it, whatever he wants, we can do it, we can-”

Gerard was off his knees and stumbling toward Brian in a breath. One moment Brian had the phone clutched to his ear and the next, Gerard had the cool plastic in his own palm and the buttons were digging into his cheek.

“Frank,” he breathed, and the word was the only thing in the entire world. It was the darkness and one name, and Gerard felt his whole body buzzing with apprehension.

The pause before the response was filled with two speeding hearts.

“Gerard?”

The question mark at the end was like something piercing Gerard’s heart. That tone didn’t belong in Frank’s voice, that tone of disbelief and doubt and newfound recognition.

But then relief washed away all the other emotions warring in Gerard’s body. Frank remembered him. Frank was safe, and Frank remembered. Everyone had talked him into letting Frank forget, but it must have not worked, and this was fate.

“I love you.”

The words escaped out of Gerard’s mouth without looking back. They raced along with his skipping heart and they held every thought Gerard had had in the last month.

Then, suddenly, the air was filled with a flat noise.

It took a minute for Gerard to place it, but when he did his newly patched heart shattered.

The line was dead.

Frank had hung up. Frank was gone. Frank didn’t remember, Frank didn’t love him. Frankfrankfrankfrankfrank. All gone, again.

Gerard was vaguely aware that he’d ended up on the floor again, receiver clutched to his chest. Hands were at his sides, trying to sooth, trying to take the phone. There were words too, but Gerard couldn’t hear them over his own choked sobs.

He wasn’t even embarrassed that he was probably waking the whole house. He didn’t think twice about the fact that in less than a minute the room would be filled with people, and they’d all witness him break down. And probably watch him as he was unable to put himself back together again.

Gerard curled up on himself and let himself unravel.