Completely Undone

The soft green walls that usually soothed her only brought loneliness. It is times like this that reminded her how truly alone she is when she is in Los Angeles. She didn’t have many friends here with the exception of a few friends that she rarely met up with. Other than that all of her companions are across the Pacific.

Cinnie’s career, no job is here though. All of her hard work that she planted is finally growing into something magical and she truly felt blessed. She just didn’t know what to do except use the emptiness I her heart to write the dark scenes in her new book.

Unlike the first book she wrote that involved a pure magical love story she decided to take a turn for the second one especially after her departure from Tom. With everything that happened between them only to be severed by distance only made her bitter. Cinnie didn’t know what to do with herself except diving into her work.

The lights were off, the blinds shielded the bright sun that is desperately trying to sneak in and the only source of light is the lamp above her. Typing as furiously as she could she whizzed through a chapter or so thinking of how the story that is only going to have a few small problems for the couple to overcome turned out to be gut wrenching. The description made her feel like the couple had no hope of ever becoming a real couple…

Kind of like what she felt with Tom.

Rubbing her temples, she leaned back into her chair as she thought things through. She promised herself that she wouldn’t go into a dark space, but it’s innate in her. Everything has to be thought through. Adding situations of her real life into the story really helped and it also helped to stop Mina from riding her ass all the time.

The tall Asian woman always pestered her for a new chapter and if not that then new ideas that Cinnie is going to plan for the next one. It is an ongoing cycle of stories and ideas that made her brain fry.

Through the frustration, Cinnie realized that her fingers were typing across the keyboard to produce several pages of the next chapter. A bitter smile graced her lips as she thought of the happiest day of her life couldn’t let her produce any chapters like today. Sadness and despair truly is a muse.

For the next couple of days she stayed coped up in her house focusing on her book. What worried her is that Tom hasn’t called or even messaged her after she landed back in L.A. Did he use her just for those days in London? To steal moments with her only to crush her heart in the process? A long frown lingered on her lips at the mere thought. Tom isn’t that sinister. He could be mean; even though she hasn’t seen it everyone has it. Tom isn’t that perfect she had to remind herself.

Maybe he forgot to call?

If she meant that much to him he wouldn’t have forgotten, a small voice piped in.

It wasn’t like she isn’t doing anything either. Not once has she picked up the phone or contacted him in any way so she is just as much fault as him. The possibility of him thinking along the same lines as hers is probably a lot bigger than she figured.

Both trying to find ways of taking the first step to end this awkward and silent battle within themselves. Cinnie has spoken to Tom over Skype, the phone and emailed yet she couldn’t do it now. Was it because there is something more to their friendship now? Feelings were out and so were their hearts, one more shielded than the other, but it’s still out there.

Maybe Tom is trying to give her space? She didn’t want space, she contemplated. She never wanted space from him. The Pacific Ocean is already doing that job and adding more space by not talking to one another is just beyond ridiculous.

Through the internal battle of her mind she almost blinked in surprise when she saw Tom’s face on her computer screen. Odd…the picture that is her background is moving. It’s blinking, talking and breathing too. Her eyes went wide when he suddenly waved across the screen, “Darling, you alright?”

“Y-yeah. Why are you in my computer screen?” She asked dumbly.

Tom paused for a second before that beautiful laugh fell from his lips. “You rang and I picked up…or is this what you wanted?”

“YES!” Cinnie retracted when her voice strained with vigor. “I mean, I did, but I didn’t think I would subconsciously call you. This has been a bit weird for me, I don’t—I don’t know how to go about this. How do we do this exactly?”

All her worries spilled over instantly when she saw those blue eyes boring into her. Cinnie needed some type of security and he is the only one that could bring it to her. Nibbling on her bottom lip, she waited for the comforting answer that she wanted to hear.

“I don’t know.” Tom sighed. “I’ve never been in a relationship with this much distance between us—that’s why I haven’t contacted you. Didn’t know what to say or do. This is all unfamiliar territory for me too.”

That isn’t the comfort she is looking for. A part of her wanted to know that Tom knew exactly what he is doing and how to approach this, but he is just as lost as she is. That unnerved her.

Tom saw those emotions swirling through her features, he pressed confidently, “We will figure this out together, Cin. I promise you. Distance doesn’t have to be difficult. As long as we try we can make this work and when we reach a middle ground then we can decide what to do next. But for now we can look forward to me flying to L.A. in a week or so.”

Those deep brown eyes glittered with joy and pearly white teeth shining through the screen made his heart stop. That breathtaking smile could easily kill him.

“I totally forgot about that. Yeah we do have something to look forward to. We’ll have time together, right? I know how busy you can be when you travel for press.” Cinnie just wanted to be prepared whether she will be spending what little time she had with or if she gets more.

“As much as we possibly can and more.” Tom swore to himself that he will somehow work around his busy schedule to have time for her. There always has to be time for her. It’s going to be difficult juggling his job and have this relationship blossom into something he wanted from the start. Her reluctance made him tie his hands in surrender to let her go the pace she wanted to go, but that urge to head dive into the relationship he wanted with Cinnie is becoming harder.

But he had to remind himself of the smile that she is giving him at this moment with his answer. If she is anything, but happy there is no relationship and his urges can destroy that. He needed to suppress them until it is okay to overflow her with the emotions that are surging through him.

There is a part of him that knew Cinnie isn’t used to this side of Tom, the strong loving side that wanted touch her at every waking moment, but due to the media and Cinnie’s hesitance he backed off. Considerably, he might add. Tracing his thumb on the desk hoping his head gave enough coverage to hide what is really going on in the background.

Yet Cinnie’s observant eyes wandered off his face taking in the background that his head couldn’t cover and almost winced when she stated so obviously, “You’re not at home…You’re—working, aren’t you?”

She could be observant when it came to other things, but when it came to his advances and his lo—fondness of her senses become as dull as a rock. Tom twisted a smile before he chuckled nervously, “You don’t like how I redecorated my room? A bit bland, I know, but I thought I could give it a go…” He sighed when she clearly didn’t buy his story.

Leaning on his hand he let her see the wigs and clothes rack that is sitting right behind him. “You caught me, love. Let me say this, I couldn’t ignore your call after that short period of silence that we had. I needed to hear your voice.”

Cinnie blinked that is somewhat unnerving and asked where the workers were. It is obvious that he is alone in the trailer. That is when Tom gave her another award winning smile to ease the answer that she might not like. “I asked everyone to leave for some privacy—guess I have that power with the level of fame that I have.”

“All Loki fans, I might add.” She quipped back. The short small remained that way before it faltered and drew in a sigh. “Tommy, I know you want to spend time with me, but you shouldn’t clear a room because your—I called. You can call me back anytime and I won’t be mad. I get how busy you are and I get busy too. So please, don’t be a diva.”

She knew what is coming next, his speech of conviction. The one where he tells her that she’s worth every single minute apart from his projects that her voice can somehow keep him sane from their distance and that’s exactly what she heard from him. The truth and vigor of his proclamation only twisted her gut in unimaginable ways.

His blue eyes grew darker with verbosity, his jaw tightened and his lips curled as he told her again and again over the course of a week that she is well worth it. He will continue telling her until she believed it because he can see in her eyes that she didn’t. She didn’t think she is worth a clearing of a room for some privacy or that he should halt his work because of it. In most cases he couldn’t, but being the star of his production gave him more freedom.

A small sad smile graced her lips, “You’re a goof.”

“And you’re beautiful.” He grinned seeing her eyes avert his gaze instantly blushing from the fact. Tom wished he could hold her, kiss her and just tell her how much she means to him. His heart aches for her; when he can’t see or hear her his mind wanders off into a haven where he can see and hear her all the time.

But the sole reminder that Cinnie is not with him whips him back to reality when he opens his eyes. He feels the loneliness, the emptiness of one’s soul that he couldn’t possibly imagine. Tom thought positively, it could have been worse if he didn’t portray his feelings when he saw her for her birthday. She is oblivious to all human emotion concerning love and the guilt would have eaten him alive.

Now it is the waiting game and being on that plane will be the longest ten or so hours of his life. What would have made him beam with pride if he knew is that Cinnie felt the same way? Her heart felt a little healed when she is talking to him, hearing his voice, seeing his smiles, watching his every expression that is etched into her mind. When their conversation started to become a bit distant, she tried to cut him off yet he wanted to continue.

It is obvious they needed Tom to continue working and he wanted to sit there as long as possible. “Tom,” He looked back at the screen, guilt written all over his features.

“I know. I’ll talk to you soon, okay? I promise.”

“Okay.”

With quick goodbyes, she closed her laptop letting that elated feeling she had when she was talking to him escape her body. It never last for too long and that high she gets just by talking to him goes away. The familiar ache in her chest returns and she hates it. She hates the feeling, but she has to live through it until he arrives. It won’t be long now, she reminds herself. This ache won’t last forever.