‹ Prequel: Somebody or Nobody?
Exposed
Wana
As time passed and the snow melted and fell again Amy became a star. She always kept chasing her dream to be better, the best, and so did I. Maybe I put to much pressure on her, but I wanted her to have her dream. I was so focussed on making her perfect, that I forgot that that wasn't the dream. Amy never wanted to be perfect, just the best, and even the best isn't perfect. I was so caught up in making that dream come true, to make her happy, that I made her miserable. But she stayed, hoping I would see someday what she could not tell me. I have often wondered why she couldn't tell me, but I guess because she felt sorry for me, because I put so much time into it. I forgot to show Amy any affection, any kind of feeling. I admired Amy Lockwood, as so many did, she knew that. But as soon as we were off-stage I would start noting where she had gone wrong, even the littlest flaw was a bother. I did not congratulate her, like everyone else. I am still sorry for that. She deserved to be told she did a great job, but at the time, I thought she already had enough people telling her that. She needed someone who would tell her what to improve. But I don't think she cared for all the kind words of others, she didn't believe them, because she always waited for my verdict, which she thought was the honest truth, it wasn't…it really wasn't. All the flaws I summed up to her were tiny, the audience had probably not even noticed them. And even of they did, these flaws came out of her feeling, because she felt every word she was singing.
Amy never knew how long I had been sitting in my studio, recording myself to hear if I was perfect, she just thought I was by nature, talent. Truth is, I don't have that much talent, I just wanted to be perfect…for her…so she wouldn't have to sing to a bassist that was to unexperienced for her voice. She always obeyed to every vocal-advise I gave her, except for one, she never stopped smoking. But then again, Amy wouldn't be Amy without a pink cigarette in one hand and a mic in the other, it was her way. And ever though you sometimes heard the smoking on the lower notes, it was no problem, it only made her high notes sound more clear. It had been like this for over a year, when I finally came to realise what I did to her. It was february and the snow had just started to melt. We had been playing a pretty big gig, 3000 people had paid up to hear us play, to hear her sing…and I still wasn't content…
"That was amazing Amy, we can take this too bigger stages in a year. You were amazing."
"I wish I had a voice like that, you are so great."
"You looked lovely!"
"Such a pity you went wrong at the end of 'winter sleep'. We definitely need to do some work on 'pain of trust' and you really can do better on 'lands of despair'.
It was the first time I ever saw tears in her eyes in that year. A pain much bigger than an insult, the pain only a broken heart can cause…But she was to proud to show much of it, she hid it behind her relieve after the concert. People assumed she cried out of happiness. But I knew better, she never left that fast to her dressing room. When I went there to apologize she had locked the door, she didn't make a sound, no matter how loud I screamed and knocked, she ignored me, locked me out. I didn't understand it back then, I found it inappropriate to leave a friend apologizing through the door. But now, I realise she had every right to keep me out. After all, I had kept her in for so long. I was supposed to be her boyfriend, but I only judged her, only told her where she was going wrong. I never complimented her, not even on her looks, and they were always flawless. It was the name I had wanted to give us, Flawless. But she wouldn't let me. Instead she called our band 'Wana'. At the time I just thought she had googled a Japanese or Korean word to make us look cool, whatever it meant. But when I finally came to search for it on the internet, after she had abandoned me, I was shocked. She had not chosen a cool Japanese name to impress the public, she had named the band for what it was…a trap...
Amy never knew how long I had been sitting in my studio, recording myself to hear if I was perfect, she just thought I was by nature, talent. Truth is, I don't have that much talent, I just wanted to be perfect…for her…so she wouldn't have to sing to a bassist that was to unexperienced for her voice. She always obeyed to every vocal-advise I gave her, except for one, she never stopped smoking. But then again, Amy wouldn't be Amy without a pink cigarette in one hand and a mic in the other, it was her way. And ever though you sometimes heard the smoking on the lower notes, it was no problem, it only made her high notes sound more clear. It had been like this for over a year, when I finally came to realise what I did to her. It was february and the snow had just started to melt. We had been playing a pretty big gig, 3000 people had paid up to hear us play, to hear her sing…and I still wasn't content…
"That was amazing Amy, we can take this too bigger stages in a year. You were amazing."
"I wish I had a voice like that, you are so great."
"You looked lovely!"
"Such a pity you went wrong at the end of 'winter sleep'. We definitely need to do some work on 'pain of trust' and you really can do better on 'lands of despair'.
It was the first time I ever saw tears in her eyes in that year. A pain much bigger than an insult, the pain only a broken heart can cause…But she was to proud to show much of it, she hid it behind her relieve after the concert. People assumed she cried out of happiness. But I knew better, she never left that fast to her dressing room. When I went there to apologize she had locked the door, she didn't make a sound, no matter how loud I screamed and knocked, she ignored me, locked me out. I didn't understand it back then, I found it inappropriate to leave a friend apologizing through the door. But now, I realise she had every right to keep me out. After all, I had kept her in for so long. I was supposed to be her boyfriend, but I only judged her, only told her where she was going wrong. I never complimented her, not even on her looks, and they were always flawless. It was the name I had wanted to give us, Flawless. But she wouldn't let me. Instead she called our band 'Wana'. At the time I just thought she had googled a Japanese or Korean word to make us look cool, whatever it meant. But when I finally came to search for it on the internet, after she had abandoned me, I was shocked. She had not chosen a cool Japanese name to impress the public, she had named the band for what it was…a trap...