Your Heart I Couldn't Win

Christmas in London was a dream come to life. Shops decorated in all the lights you could imagine, music streaming into the streets, real Christmas dinner. I loved this time of year, hated all of the parties, but loved the long queues when I went out searching for the perfect gift.

She had always teased me about being so sentimental during the holidays, telling me my excitement rivalled that of her little brother's (he was eight at the time). But that was just who I was, I took great pride in showing the people I cared about just how much I did.

It was during one of these shopping trips that everything changed. I had been trying to keep a low profile while browsing around for something that my sister Gemma would like, making sure to have gone while our fans would still be at school. I was carefully thumbing my way through a rack of jeans when someone slid in beside me, eyeing me up like I was familiar. I could see them in my peripheral, feel them staring at me a little too hard.

I must have been an idiot to assume the grey beanie and sunglasses wouldn't be a dead giveaway. Sighing heavily, defeated that my "disguise" hadn't worked, I turned to look at whoever it was.

"Mate, I knew it was you! How've you been?" The bloke shouted, throwing his arms up and embracing me before I had the chance to see his face. When he pulled back, slapping me on the shoulder it registered, and I laughed.

"Matt, you nearly gave me a heart attack, thought you were some rabid fan. I've been good, how've you been?" I had met Matt ages ago at a radio event, he had been trying to work his way up from the bottom which seemed to be going rather well for him.

"You must get that a lot, sorry man I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that," he laughed, leaning his arm on the rack next to us. "S'been good, proper busy these days at the station. Listen, i'm having a Christmas party at my new flat, would love for you to come. You can bring the lads as well."

As much as I hated parties, this seemed to be a no brainer. "Yeah alright," I nodded my head, drumming my fingers against my chest. "Sounds like it could be a laugh, i'll see if the boys want to come."

"Fantastic mate," he grinned from ear to ear, leaning in a little closer and dropping his voice down. "It's mad exclusive, so you don't have to worry about any randos."

This intrigued me enough, probably the way he made it seem like we were on a secret mission even though we were the only ones there, and for some reason I had to ask who was coming. He spouted off a few familiar names, mostly people who worked at the station, but three names rolled off of his tongue in slow motion.

Danny Fillmore, Pip Stone, Cameron Warren.

It felt like the Hulk had smashed through the ceiling and fell right on top of me, I couldn't breathe for a moment feeling my head start to spin like I was about to be sick. One I could have handled, but the three of them was enough to wish I could give myself some sort of disease.

It shouldn't have surprised me, however, Danny was such an attention seeker and wherever Cameron went Pip was usually glued to her side. It had always been this way, and somethings just never changed I guess. Truthfully, I had assumed I would never hear those names again; the last time I had heard from her, she was breaking my heart.

I tried to hide the grimace that had now formed, awkwardly smiling at Matt. "Uh, well that's an impressive guest list..i'll uh, see you there mate."

He said something in return but I didn't hear it, and slapped me on the shoulder, pleased with himself by the looks of it. It took everything I had inside to keep it cool, my mind racing with all of the excuses I could think up to not go. But I put on a brave, phoney smile, it was an art I had perfected a long time ago during our X factor days, grinning when I never wanted to. I had carried it on the more famous we seemed to get, this world did that do a person, promotional events did that to a person, management did that to a person.

Mid thought I realized Matt was gone and I was still standing there, smiling, like a total wanker.



Twenty or so days later I found myself getting out of a taxi, Louis right behind me trying to help his girlfriend.

"Babe, I told you those shoes were a bad idea," he quipped, still wound up over the argument they had about the damn things before we even left.

"Will you shut up, they're fine. You two just had to sit next to one another, so really, it's your fault my dress is caught in them."

I glanced over my shoulder, pulling my charcoal coat a little tighter around myself. "If you're both done arguing, it's freezing and i'd like to get this over with."

They stopped mid action, Louis bent at the knees like he was ready to launch her into space. One arm was still wrapped protectively around her back though, a hand gripping hers tight while she had half her dress in her free one. They looked like I had caught them in the act, which I had once but didn't like to remember it.

"Right, yeah, sorry mate," he stammered, nodding his head towards the door to signal that I could go on.

I turned my head towards the building with a laugh, glancing to get a brief look at our destination. The place was tall, sleekly designed like it had just been built. Right inside the glass doors stood an older man, dressed in all black and wearing a radio like a security guard. He ushered us in with a smile and a holiday greeting, curious about where we were headed but not intrusive.

The lobby was sparse, clean and white, reminding me of a hospital. Two grand, gold elevators stood from floor to ceiling, waiting beside a large mahogany desk. I couldn't help but wonder how Matt could afford a place like this as we got in the lift, riding it up to his floor.

The air inside the small space was stifling and I shrugged myself out of my coat, keeping quiet. I could feel the collar on my jumper tightening around my neck, hearing Louis and his girlfriend whispering amongst themselves over the instrumentals of familiar songs pouring through the speakers.

When the doors finally opened I spotted his flat at the end of the corridor, the number blazing out at me. Louis rushed past me, but I almost hadn't noticed, because I could feel the walls beginning to close in on me, anxiously knowing that somewhere behind those numbers was the girl I had been avoiding for so long.

"Harry, you coming or what?" I heard. Stepping out of the lift, the golden doors grazing my arm as they began to shut, I nodded at them weakly.

Maybe almost getting squished should have been a sign.

I noticed when we all reached it, the entrance to Matt's flat was almost bare, save for a single set of jingle bells dangling right in the centre. Taking a moment to admire them like a bird finding a shiny object, and delay the inevitable, someone cleared their throat. Glancing up, four rather impatient eyes greeted me, making me realize that I would have to be the one to knock. I wanted to run even more in that moment, lifting my hand that suddenly felt far too heavy. I knew why I was so hesitant, it wasn't entirely because she was going to be there, but rather that she was going to be there with him. At least I had some support, right?

Before I knew what was happening, the door burst open and Matt's cheerful face appeared.

"Aye!" He shouted, raising both hands in the air, the liquid from his glass sloshing around. "Glad you could make it, where are the rest of the lads?" He glanced behind us, his eyebrows knitting together in drunken confusion.

"Niall had to go back home, Zayn's with his mum and Liam's at his girlfriend's mum and dad's," Louis explained, shoving his thumb towards his side. "But I figured this one would make up for it."

"Who Harry? I think this beautiful creature is more interesting," Matt joked, extending his free hand towards the only lady with us. "And you are?"

Her giggle floated around us, brushing against the walls, it made me shiver. "Isn't he a charmer."

"This is my ever humble girlfriend Alice, Lee this is Matt."

It was then that I completely tuned out, my nervousness kicking in again but this time swallowing me whole as we were ushered inside. The click of the door behind us sent a jolt right through me, my senses kicking in to begin the process of calming me down, anything to get my mind off the sinking feeling I had in the pit of my stomach.

The smell was what hit me first, my nose picking each out, orange, cinnamon, cloves, all of the familiar and warm holiday scents. Next was the music, very low, barely audible, but classic. My eyes picked out each of the decorations, the flat far more done up on the inside, a massive tree being the focal point of it all. It was wrapped in multicoloured lights, while various trinkets were laying around the room making everything seem cheerful, putting me at ease.

Once again, before anything else could register, Louis and Alice had gone on their own, leaving me alone standing at the edge of the party with a beer in my hand. I sipped longingly on the bitter liquid, allowing my eyes to casually scan the room but not really take anything more in.

At some point a girl had come to stand next to me, chatting away about what she did for a living but I wasn't really listening. I was doing my best to seem interested though, my attention was just elsewhere for some reason.

I wasn't necessarily looking for her, simply taking in the scenery. That was thing, I always seemed to find her when I wasn't exactly looking, she would appear out of nowhere just to catch my attention, like she knew I wasn't thinking entirely about her and had to take up space in my mind. So when my eyes lapped around the room for the third time, my ears tuned in to what the mystery woman beside me was saying, my mouth opening at the appropriate times, I found her. Suddenly I lost all sense but my sight, I had gone deaf, mute, become paralyzed, and I couldn't help but wonder if she had been in that particular corner the entire time.

She was, of course, attached to his side with a glass held tightly in her hand. They were surrounded by all of their old friends, listening to one of them intently. She looked beautiful in her dress, a white number, long sleeves with the shoulders cut out, a brown, braided belt around her tiny waist, it reminded me of a figure skater's dress. Her heels brought her height up at least six inches, making her posture seem regal, almost as if she were sticking her nose in the air. Her once dark brown hair had been lightened to a caramel colour, make-up smeared evenly across her face to cover up the dusting of freckles I knew she had. She had always hated those damn freckles.

The longer I watched her the more I realized that she was dressed up in every sense of the word, a fake laugh here, the gentle touch of her hand grazing another person's arm there. The big plastic smile spread across her face at one point when she glanced up to look at her knight in shining armour, who had also spared no expense to look good, like he always did. His black suit paired with a white tie to match the dress of his princess perfectly. Danny outshone everyone in the room, especially me. It made me self-conscious to think about the black jeans and grey knit jumper I had thrown on.

They were perfect though, she was perfect. A mannequin or a robot built specifically for moments like this. Their outfits had been picked out and co-ordinated ahead of time, every movement they made was calculated, every bat of Cameron's eyelashes hid the bored look I knew she would have been sporting otherwise, every giggle masking a groan. I knew her too well, and that was my curse. I could always read her like some cheap book, it's how I knew her little ticks, all of her tells. But I also knew that if Danny hadn't been standing there, hadn't even come into our lives, she would have never even bothered with half the people now surrounding them.

It was that Cameron I had fallen for, the impolite, brash loud mouth, not the one standing across the room. He had swept her away like the tide, turned her into this. The Danny Fillmore, she had let him consume every part of her life, past and present.

She draped herself around him like garland, entwining her arms around his waist and I could see her then, good ol' Pip, staring at me from just behind Cameron's head. Pip had always assumed the worst of me, maybe because her best mate had also been mine. We had to share her time, her efforts, her voice. Pip never really seemed too good at sharing, but truthfully? Neither was I.

A brief moment of complete silence fell over the entire flat then, as the traditional Christmas hymn that had been playing in the background stopped, waiting for another to pick up. I became suddenly too aware of everything else going on around me again, hearing the whispers begin to pick up. Particularly, I noticed them from where I had been staring this entire time, Pip's eyes never leaving mine as their heads collectively bowed together.

Another pair of eyes found me, dark brown, glaring, the hint of a smirk. It was triumphant, I wanted to punch him. Danny wrapped his arms around Cameron's shoulders tightly, like she was his most prized possession and not the rolex on his wrist. Tugging her close, he bent down a touch and said something into her ear before shoving his empty glass into her hand. I was waiting for him to slap her ass, but it never came.

I hadn't planned my next move, instead I had brought my bottle of beer up only to realize it was empty. I had no intentions of crossing paths with her that night, but something else took over. My feet started to move before my brain could catch up and stop them, they carried me across the room and into the kitchen where instinct and logic told me Cameron had gone. I hadn't even noticed Pip snarling at me when I walked by them.

Clearing the doorway, I noticed very quickly how quiet and empty the room was, save for her. Cameron was bracing herself against the counter with her back towards me, both hands flat against the granite top.

"I'm so tired," she said suddenly, stopping me dead in my tracks.