Why I Can't Forget You?

Do you remember that night when we didn’t sleep at all, just to see how the sun made his way through the clouds?, you said you were so happy and I knew it by the way your eyes shone just like the starts I’ll never reach for you. After a cute kiss you told me that you really had to go, I only nodded because I knew I would see you later. Then you just stood there for minutes, you seemed like you were going to say it, but you didn’t.

Do you remember when we were in your car? We kissed so passionately, in your backseat, I was crying minutes ago, I think you cried too, but I’m not sure, because the only thing I can remember it’s the way your lips enchanted me, made me fly all over the city. We stopped because my phone rang and you cursed, making me laugh. It was my mother. I said to her that I was busy then I hung out without saying goodbye. I used to ignore her, I never gave a single damn about my family or my friends. It was only you. It was late and you really had to go. I kissed you one last time. I hopped and prayed, but again, you didn’t say it.

Oh, but do you remember the gift I gave you from your birthday? I bet you do. It was a little teddy bear. I wonder if you still have it. We laughed so much. You told me that you weren’t expecting that, I just laughed again, then I put my hand around your neck and I kissed you, you kissed me back. We were in my couch, it wasn’t actually your birthday, it was two days later. We ended having sex in that couch. I told you that I needed you so much. You did it too. I told you that I wanted you. You moaned. I told you the words I never heard.

People tell me that I’m getting old... I tell them I know.

Do you remember that time when you skipped work? You called sick. You were driving and I sang along to the radio, feeling the wind on my face. It was a country song from Rod Stewart, since that day I started to call you Maggie May. You hated it. I kissed you in the cheek. You murmured something. But they weren’t the words I wanted to hear. We stopped at a coffee shop in the middle of nowhere

That was the first time we hold hands in public. I remember that the waitress was checking me out. We made our way to a little table in the corner and you kissed me softly, saying that I was yours and yours only. I nodded and I kissed you again, making sure that the waitress had a full view of that. We mocked of her reaction. You drank black coffee and I ordered a chocolate milkshake. You asked me if I was okay. I said that I couldn’t be better. You interlaced your finger with mine under the table, I smiled and I thought how beautiful those words would have sounded like, coming from you. But I didn’t say anything.

After that we were in the car again. You told me that I looked beautiful in that half-buttoned shirt. I blushed and you kissed my forehead. I called you ‘stupid’ but we both knew I was joking.
My friend, Jesse, says that I look better. I don’t believe him. He still has no idea. I don’t think I will never tell him about you.

They say “Kellin, are you okay?”

But I don’t know.

Do you remember the number of the motel room? I do. 45. I asked you if you just drove that long for a night in a motel. You said no with your head. I asked why then. You told me that you drove that much just to be closer to me. If I hadn’t been so needy for you, I’m sure I would have cried. That night was perfect. You were kissing me deeply. I was already hard. I took off my shirt. I moaned. You started to move your hand around my leg. I moaned your name again.

We were in the bed. Lights off except from the silver big one that was out of the window. You said me that I was really beautiful. I told you that I needed you inside me. You laughed, but you took off your pants anyway. I was yelling your name over and over again. I heard you moaning until you finished. You took me in your hands and I was in paradise. You were perfect that night. You always were. We felt asleep by the sound of our heartbeats. I swear they were in sync.

Do you remember that morning? It was the best of my life. You were kissing all my face, until I woke up. With sleepy eyes I told you that I wouldn’t mind waking up like that every day. You faked a smile, and I knew that it hurt you.

And I’m sorry.

They keep telling me that I need to move on.

Move on.

Sure, they don’t even know you.

Move on.

That’s stupid.

A friend of mine told me that I need to forget.

I told her that I tried, but I can’t.

Do you remember how frustrated you seemed that morning? You were driving, yelling at me because you were late for work. I didn’t give a shit about my job. I used to work in that shitty bar so I wasn’t worried about it. You looked really pissed off. I kissed you. You didn’t smile. I kissed you again. You said ‘stop it Kellin’ with a smirk on your face.

I got you.

I said ‘Why Vic?’ You said ‘because you’re too cute is not fair. I blushed like an idiot.
We made our way back to the city. Your phone rang. The smile on your face faded a little. But it couldn’t be other way. You talked for what it seemed a million years. Then you ended the phone call and you sighed. You looked and your eyes said ‘I’m sorry’.

I nodded.

I knew that we couldn’t be doing this kind of crazy things every time we wanted. We had a life that we had to pretend. I was sick of it. You told me that everything would be okay. I believed you. I said it really fast and you smiled, but you didn’t say it.

Do you remember that time when we were having a dinner in my apartment? I do, it’s a bittersweet memory. I told you about my day and you told me about yours.

Then you asked “Kellin?”

And I said “what?”

You said “I think we need to stop this for a while.”

I was shocked. I didn’t see it coming. I was really angry. I asked why. You told me that you were afraid. I laughed at you. I stood up and I started to throw the food to the trash can.
You said “Kellin, you need to calm down” I laughed louder. I took the glass of wine and I spilled it on the sink. You told me that you wouldn’t be dealing with that. I said that you didn’t have to worry anymore.
Because I said “This is over.”

Then I saw your face. You were surprise and that surprised me. You left the apartment. I turned of all the candles and I started to yell. I screamed from the top of my lungs. I hated you. I was crying, trying to find the reason why. But I knew it.

Do you remember that phone call? I do. You called me a month later saying that you needed to see me. I said yes. I shouldn’t have. But I did. By 11 o’clock you were in my bed, your fingers playing with my hair after a great orgasm. You said “I missed you” and I asked you why you called me again.
“I couldn’t stay away. I need you. It’s been a year since we are…together, I couldn’t just forget it.”
Oh, Vic, but you did it.

That night I kissed every part of you. And you did the same. We were ready again but your phone rang. We both knew how it was. You looked into my eyes. You were lost in lust and I was lost in love.
You said “I need to go Kels.”

I said “Okay.”

I walked you to the parking lot. You kissed me again. I didn’t kiss back so you just sighed and said goodbye. I watched your car disappear in the cold night. I said I was going to be strong.
This is the price that I have to pay. For all the times that I said what you will never say.

Tell me Vic, does she knows?

Tell me Vic, what was the reason why I left?

Do you remember that afternoon when we were eating burgers in your car? It was my idea. You weren’t the kind of person that does that. You were a business man, but you acted like a child. We laughed because there was some ketchup on my shirt.

I saw a truly smile on your face. You were so sick of that grey world. But you were locked there.
The radio was on and God, I swear, we were so into old music. We used to hear it all the time.
"Every time we say goodbye, I die a little…"

I was singing along with Ella’s voice. Your eyes were looking directly at mine

"…every time we say goodbye, I wonder why a little"

You planted a kiss on my cheek and told me to go on.

“…When you’re near, there’s such an air of spring about it…”

"God, Kellin?" You said.

You won’t.

"Yeah?"

Will you say it?

"You’re perfect. Don’t forget it."

You didn’t.

Why Vic?

I wasn’t perfect. But that’s okay because you neither were.

We were broken glass, Vic, we were lost. But you were all I could ever dream about. And I was all you needed. I was so desperate.

I’m still desperate.

For you? I don’t know. Maybe. Who knows.

To be honest, I don’t know who I am anymore. But I do have my theories.

Maybe I’m that little kid in the corner of the classroom that has been crying because the teacher made fun of him for an incorrect answer. Maybe I was a map of a place that doesn’t exist anymore. Hence I’m not as useful as I thought I was.

But if that place still alive in your head Vic, I’m useful enough?

Maybe I’m not.

Oh but Vic. I won’t try anymore. I won’t be questioning myself anymore. I can deal with this lonely little room called Life.

You did it. I just need a little more time.

We were gold and silver, Vic, we were so good, and we had been made to be together.
Or so I thought until things started to crash right in front of me.

Do you remember my birthday party? Of course you don’t. You weren’t there. But I understood.
Everyone ignored your absence, because you weren’t supposed to be there anyway.

How she knew you. But not really. Tell me, does she knows you now?

Because one thing I know you will never forget it’s her birthday. Do you remember that night?
The music was so loud but your voice was in my head. I will never forget that day Vic, it was the day you broke my heart. We weren’t celebrating a birthday anymore. We were celebrating a wedding between a business man and a pregnant woman.

In a couple of weeks you were going to marry her and I had no idea. In a couple of months you were going to be a father and I had no idea.

You looked at me. In your face was written “Please, don’t mess it up.” I didn’t.

She looked at me and hugged me. I faked a smile.

“Aren’t you happy for me, Kellin?”

I said “Of course I am”

She said “You’re the best brother in the world.”

I said I wasn’t feeling good. She said Ok. I went home.

I missed your calls for the next month. I was locked in my house watching that movie, over and over again.

You loved watching Benny & Joon. But you weren’t there anymore. It hurt me so much you will never understand.

You knocked at my door that night and I knew it was you but I still opened it.

You was hugging me, saying me how much you missed me. You kissed me and I took both of your arms. I looked at you directly in the eyes.

I said “Did you know about the baby?” You said “No.” I said Okay.

We made love that night. I was falling asleep but I heard you crying. I hugged you and I whispered “Are you okay, my love?” You said “This is too much Kellin, I love her and I need you, I don’t know what to do.”

I didn’t have an answer for that so I kissed your cheek.

“Everything’s going to be okay, Vic.”

“Pinky promise?”

We laughed a little bit.

“Pinky promise, Vic.”

“Thank you Kels.”

“I love you Vic.”

You fell asleep.

Months passed and she was more happy by every second passed.
We were having familiar dinner. My mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, you and me. Do you remember that night?

“A girl!” She said. Everyone was happy. My sister was pregnant and will be marry to the perfect husband.

“What’s wrong, Kellin?” My mom asked me.

“Nothing.” I lied and you knew it.

“I think you need a girlfriend, you look so lonely sometimes.” She said. I was about to tell her how much perfect was her husband.

“I will.” Was all I said and I swear I heard you sighed of relief.
Time passed and every time was worst that the previous. We always ended up fighting. Screaming. Dying.

I remember that time you said “Fuck you, Kellin, I don’t need two wives.”

I saw you in shock. You said sorry really fast. I hugged you and I started to cry in your arms, because I knew I was losing them.

Do you remember that morning, a year ago? We were in the bed, watching our favorite movie, drinking our favorite drinks. Eating our favorite breakfast and taking the other’s hand. You said “Kellin, we need to talk.” I knew that day need to come one day, but I wasn’t ready.

I nodded and you continued.

“The baby is due soon.”

I nodded again.

“I think this need to end. I-I can. I think she’s starting to suspect, she doesn’t know it’s you, of course, but this is dangerous.”

I nodded. I was bleeding so much I didn’t care about saying something.

We were in the door of my apartment.

“Vic?”

“Yeah”

“Do you love her?”

“…I do, Kellin.”

“And…do you love me?”

You kissed me.

“Kellin…”

“Vic, do you love me?”

“I don’t know, Kellin, I just know that I need you.”

You kissed me again. The way your lips were made for mine was indescribable. The way my heart had your name was insane. The way your eyes founded mine was amazing. The way I needed you was illogical.

“Kellin. Every time you’re not with me I’m sad. Every time you kiss me I feel something in my heart that I can’t describe. And…Every time we say good bye, I die a little.”

I smiled.

“I love you, Kellin.”

“I love you too, Victor.”

You had no idea.

Why did you tell me such wonderful thing when we were dying so painful? Because we were so in love I don’t it’s possible. Because I was like a little teenager so naïve and so in love.

I called my mother that day. I told her that she was right. I had depression and I needed to go, I need a change. She was happy for me and she asked me where I was going. I didn’t tell her. She didn’t ask again. I said to her “Please, tell my sister that I love her. I said I was sorry that I couldn’t be there for his baby. She said it was okay.

I was at the airport. I looked my phone. There was a picture of you and me. We were smiling with the sun in our faces. We were in the beach, six months ago.

I heard a voice saying that the plane was ready. I was ready too.
It was a big tunnel with windows.

I searched for your face over the people. But you weren’t there. You didn’t even know I was leaving the city.

I changed my number. I’ll never know if you called me, I don’t care. I didn’t want to hear you anymore.

But now you’re here.

You’re across the street. Your eyes are looking me with such horror I don’t think it’s possible.
Are you mad at me?

You are with a woman. But she’s not my sister.

Oh, but Vic, you are a married man, and you have a daughter, what are you doing?
Why are you doing the same thing you did with me? You said you loved my sister. You said you loved me.

All those words were just simply lies from your pretty mouth?

You are taking her hand just like you used to take mine. She’s not looking at me but you are. You didn’t know I live here, right?

Who is she, Vic? Will you tell me please? I think I’m dying, Vic, I need help, Vic, will you tell me?

Why are you taking her hand? Why are you walking away? You used to be so close to me.
Tell me Vic. Do you still love me? Or do you forget about me?

I still love you, I will always love you.

Do you forget all the times I said ‘I love you’?

The way you're hiding from me says yes.

You’re still perfect. Yes, I do remember you. Pathetic, I know. And I hate myself for that. Tell me Vic.

Why I can’t forget you?