Fancy Pants

-

Everyone was silent except Emma as she closed her eyes and sighed relieved. She opened her eyes to look at me as a tear rolled down her cheek.

Instantly, I pulled my arm out of her grip and wiped her tear away with my thumb. She began to smile faintly, then wavered as she asked, “Do you really?”

I may have hesitated before, but now as I looked at her, her big brown eyes and the wide smile on her face, I didn’t even have to think about it. I nodded.

“Yeah. I do.”

That smile was brought back and I returned it. We both looked up when someone sighed. Her dad.

“Emma,” he exhaled and was interrupted by a sudden noise coming from downstairs. A door.

“Your mother’s home,” he said to Emma. I felt Emma tense. We let go of each other and Emma scooted down from my lap to beside me. She hooked an arm around mine. I took the next step and locked our fingers together, but kept our hands hidden in the gap between us.

Her father’s eyes were sealed on our hands and his jaw clenched momentarily. He didn’t say anything at first. He stood there in thought and nodded to himself before looking at us again.

“Okay. I don’t like it, but…okay.” He brought his hand up to rub his jaw. “But if this relationship crumbles…”

“Dad…”

“…then that just means…you’re growing up, and I have to let that happen.”

Uhm…lame?

Emma saw it as a step forward and smiled. That smile grew bigger and out of control quickly. She nodded as he slowly smiled back.

“Thank you, Daddy.”

But we weren’t out scot-free just yet.

Someone’s heels were clicking against marble flooring. Everyone went quiet as Emma’s mother came up the stairs. When she reached the top, I don’t think she realized the crowd around Emma’s room.

She was intending to turn right, but glanced left and did a double take. She stopped dead in her tracks.

“Uhm,” Her eyes scanned everyone. “What is going on - ?” Her eyes caught me. She looked between Emma and I. “What is he doing here? Why are you two sitting so close?”

She looked from Emma to her father.

“Is that what you’re up here about? Herald,” She turned to him. “How long has he been here?” Then she looked back at Emma. “What is he doing here?”

Emma’s father let out a sigh. “He is her boyfriend, Christa.”

DUDE. Why would he tell her that???

Her face filled with shock. “What? Emma, is that true?”

Emma and I shared a look. I shrugged. She turned back to her mom.

“Yes.”

“For how long?”

“A while.”

Her mother was initially silent. She continued to look at Emma and me, then to Emma’s father and then Herald. She raised a brow back at us.

“Well, that’s great,” she said beaming. “I-I’m happy for you, honey. Really.” She breathed in deeply, nodding. “It really is great - uh, will he be joining us for dinner?”

No, thank you.

Everyone looked at me. I wanted to melt into my surroundings. I didn’t know what to say. So I looked to Herald, hoping he would tell me what to do.

We met eyes and he shrugged.

Thanks, bro.

“Uh…” I pretended to think about it, and that was all it took for Emma’s dad to answer for me.

He said, “Oh, I think - Dodger, is it? - has to go home; he’s been here an hour or so, I believe. Isn’t that what you said?” he asked me. “Your mother wants you home?”

I slowly nodded wanting to hug him, believe it or not. I really didn’t want to stay here for an awkward dinner.

“Yep.”

“Oh,” her mother said feigning disappointment. “Well, some other time, I suppose. We’d love to have you over for dinner sometime.” She looked at her husband. “Uhm, Leo?” Getting his attention, she tilted her head out towards the room.

He tipped us a nod, then followed her out, leaving us with Herald.

He stared at us then dunked out almost immediately.

I waited until her parents’ voices got quieter and quieter, meaning they were father away from her room before I could get myself to speak.

“Well…apparently I’m leaving, so I guess I should do that,” I said, scooting to the edge of the bed. Emma frowned at me.

All she said was, “No.”

“No?” I repeated laughing, getting my shoes on. She nodded childishly.

“Dinner’s not for a couple hours,” she said slightly devious, a little smile forming. I raised a brow, leaning back on my elbow, mimicking that smile. It was almost like what just happened, didn’t happen. It was like we both suddenly forgot about it.

“So?”

Her smile grew. “So…” She leaned down and kissed my nose, causing me to laugh loudly.

“Well, I’m glad I stayed for that.”

She didn’t say anything back, just continued to grin, moving her lips over mine, aaaaaaaannnndd *ding ding* another fine round of tonsil hockey has begun.

But remembering firsthand how angry her dad can get, I quickly grabbed her jaw and held her still

“Leeeeeet’s not.”

I pulled back to see her pout.

“Why not?” she asked nearly inaudibly, almost sounding hurt by my words.

“Your dad,” I said in a ‘duh’ tone, kissing her nose. She mouthed ‘oh’ before dropping her head down on my shoulder. I slipped my arms around her waist, and we laid there.

Super nice.

Until…

no. No interruptions, actually. We got to cuddle like manly men, and almost fell asleep, in peace.

In a manly way.

Grr.

-

I walked back into the living room with nothing from my little voyage to the kitchen. Since Emma was lying on the couch, I picked up her legs, sat down and dropped her legs back down onto mine. After doing this, I flipped the TV on, and cruised through the channels before a distraction came our way.

My mom waltzed in from her room to see us chillin’ on the couch.

Passing by to the kitchen, she said, “Guys, get ready. We’re leaving in ten minutes.”

Ah, yes. Leaving…to the doctors…for an appointment…about birth control.

“Got it.”

All we had to do to get ready was put on shoes, and that took about thirty seconds, so Emma forced me to continue watching Jersey Shore with her until my mom came back into the room, car keys swinging on the tip of her finger.

We piled into my mom’s little shitty car and off we drove to the gyno-saur. My mom gave Emma a brief talk about what to expect, like the questions and such they would ask. And get this - Emma here is gonna have her vagina looked at, thoroughly, apparently.

Upon receiving this news, Emma noticeably was not into it at all.

“Wha - they have to?” she asked doubtfully. My mom nodded, glancing into the rearview mirror at Emma.

“Unfortunately - but it’s all for your health. Remember that. As long as you’re relaxed, it shouldn’t hurt.”

“It could hurt?” Oh my God. Her face was priceless. She looked so horrified.

“I mean, it shouldn’t. It’ll probably be uncomfortable, if anything.”

Emma sat there, her mouth slightly open. She suddenly looked at me and then back at my mom.

“Can he come in with me?”

“In the exam room?” my mom asked. Emma nodded before looking at me again.

“Well…would you mind?”

“Uh…” They were gonna be fingering her, basically, right in front of me. Did I want to be there for that? Not really, but she looked like she wanted me there for support. I met eyes with my mom in the rearview mirror. She was waiting for my response.

I said with a shrug, “I mean, if you want me to, yeah.”

From the front seat, my mom continued, “They should let him in the room with you. Keep in mind they’re going to be asking really personal questions. You have to one-hundred percent honest with them.”

“I will be,” Emma guaranteed. She winced at a thought. “It would be so awkward if I went in alone, I feel.”

“It’s always awkward the first visit - wait. Have you been to the gynecologist before?” Emma shook her head at my mom.

My mom asked oddly, “How old are you again?”

“Sixteen.”

From where I was sitting, though I was behind her, I could see my mom frown.

“You’re so young,” she blurted out in a whisper. She quickly added, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that - it’s just…wow.” A light chuckle came from her mouth. “Then again, I was fifteen when I had sex for the first time.”

I grunted, appalled. “Mom!” I groaned, trying to get the horrible picture I instantly envisioned out of my mind. Like the evilly disgusting people they are, my mom and Emma giggled at me.

My mom laughed out her apology so I didn’t believe it.

Number of minutes later and we drove over the railroad crossing directly in front of the hospital, which I think is super dumb. What if Emma was dying of blood loss, so we raced to the hospital to save her, and lo and behold, there was a train, and she died because of poor building location? Like wtf? Are they looking to get rid of as many patients as possible?

I just think it’s ridiculous.

We found a parking spot, like, seven miles away from the entrance of the building. Emma didn’t hesitate to grab onto my hand as we hiked towards the hospital. The closer we got, the tighter her grip became, so you can imagine why my hand was near numb when we came to the women's health section of the hospital.

We entered a room labeled O.B.G.Y.N or something like that. I didn’t get a good look at the name before my mom dragged Emma and I through the door.

She told us to go find a seat while she talked to the receptionist.

We picked a sort of lounge-type couch as opposed to the padded chairs. We were the only ones who were smart enough to pick the couch. Seemingly middle-aged women were sitting the seats. A few had a man at their side, probably boyfriends or husbands.

Well, no duh.

But there was one man who was sitting all on his own. He was staring at the big plasma screen TV mounted on the wall. The news was on so he must’ve been bored out of his mind. I suspect he didn’t go in with his chick.

*scoff* Puss.

Or maybe he was transgendered and he was here for himself. If it was that then…respect.

My mom shared a laugh with the receptionist then joined us on the couch with a clipboard in her hand. She handed it to Emma.

“Since this is your first visit, they want you to fill this out.”

Emma nodded, uncapping the pen that was chained to the board. She occasionally would ask my mom what certain things meant and how she should answer them and in five minutes or so, she returned it to the receptionist.

Within this time, people came and left the waiting room. I was content to see several women went into and out of the examine/whatever room with the peeps they came here with.

So I can go with her, okay.

While blindly watching the news, we heard a woman speak clearly.

“Emma Russo?”

We looked up to see a woman in scrubs standing with the door propped open against her foot. Emma raised her hand to let her know where she was, and began to get up, but went motionless as looked at me.

She turned back to the women and asked sheepishly, “He is allowed to come with me, right?”

The woman nodded with a small smile. “If that’s what you both want.” Emma nodded so fast I was scared she’d get whiplash. The woman’s smile got wider. “Then that’s fine with us.”

Emma grabbed my hand and yanked me up. Immediately freaking out my body, I got dizzy, but managed to not trip as we walked to where the lady stood.

She gave us another smile, holding open the door for us. We dunked inside.

“Follow me,” she said chipperly and led us down the hall, passed several doors. Each door had a chair on either side of it. She began to speak.

“I’m sure you’re aware, but there will be a series of personal questions you’ll need to answer,” - she peeked at the clipboard and smiled. - “Emma, so you’ll need to be completely honest. Also you’ll receive a pelvic and breast exam. If you think it’d be best for him to sit out here, that’s fine. That’s what the chairs are for.”

When we got to the last door, she knocked a couple times before pushing it open. She stepped back and since we both walked in, she took that as our answer. She instructed Emma to sit on the examination table, me to take a seat in the chair at the head of it.

“Dr. Bess will be with you shortly.” She left us with one last pleasant smile before closing the door as she dismissed herself.

I shot Emma an anxious look which she genuinely matched.

“She scare me,” Emma muttered with an uneasy laugh.

“Me too,” I wheezed out. Emma grinned. Her eyes carefully scanned around the room, as did mine. It was very white and bright in here. It smelled of that typical hospital smell - extremely stale and sanitized.

When she squeezed my hand, I remembered we were holding hands. My heart skipped about a zillion beats when the door opened suddenly and there stood a woman in a white lab coat.

She looked Indian.

I don’t think that really mattered, but…wait. Was that racist? I didn’t mean it to be. oh god. I’m an asshole, aren’t I? (Author: You dick.)

She greeted us with a big smile, clipboard in hand.

“Well, hello, Emma.” She spoke with absolutely no accent at all besides Murican.

“Hi,” she seemed to squeak.

Closing the door behind her, she smiled at me. “And I’m guessing you’re the boyfriend?”

I confirmed it with a “Yep.”

She spun a chair over to the examination table, plopping down. She continued to smile at me.

“And your name is?”

“Dodger.”

“Dodger?” she echoed, laughing slightly. “Interesting name.”

“I get that a lot.”

She - of course - smiled at me. Man. What’s with all the smiling? I’m waiting for Natalie to tether down from the ceiling with a ginormous grin plastered on her face.

She unclipped a packet of paper from the clipboard, flipping it to the next page.

“Alriiiiight,” she dragged, reclipping it. “Now, you’re here for birth control, correct?” Emma took a few seconds to nod back. The doctor also nodded, mostly to herself. She looked up at us as she said, “I’m going to ask Emma a bunch of questions, very personal questions - you both know that?”

This being the third time we’ve been informed of this, we nodded. Her eyes went to Emma.

“You promise to answer them with absolute honesty?”

“I have nothing to hide,” Emma informed her confidently. Dr…uhm, Bess instantly smiled at her.

“Then let’s get started.” She paraphrased the questions off the paper. “You’re sexually active, yes?”

Emma hesitated before she nodded. “Yes.”

Dr. Bess marked down something before she glimpsed up from her clipboard at us. “Are you having sexual intercourse with each other?”

s e x u a l i n t e r c o u r s e .

uhm, it’s obvs known as ‘fucking.’

Nonetheless, we both nodded again.

She went back to staring down at the clipboard. “How many sexual partners have you had, Emma?”

Emma hitched her thumb back at me. “Just the one - him.”

Dr. Bess nodded, scribbling words down again. “How old were you when you became sexually active?”

“Sixteen, only a couple months ago - three, four, I'd say.”

She nodded yet again, and marked on the paper once more. She went on to ask about her period, blah blah. Then some things about family medical history, blah blah.

She slowly said, “Allllllllrriiiiigghhhtttyyyyy - okay, Emma, I’ll need you to go change into a gown - there’s one in the bathroom over there - then come back out here and I’ll examine you.”

She looked at me. “You gonna stay in here for that?”

I turned to Emma. She nodded with wide pleading eyes. “Uh, yup.”

Emma went to the bathroom, did her thing, and came back out in a hospital gown that reached down to her knees. Dr. Bess instructed her to lay back on the examination table; she did.

Doc stood at Emma’s head and…touched Emma’s boobies. An alleged ‘breast exam.’

After that ordeal, I scooted back towards Emma’s head as the doctor told her to put her legs in the stirrups.

Emma gripped onto my hand and she shifted into a more comfortable position only to get told to shimmy her bum to the edge of the table. She slipped down. Dr. Bess rolled her chair right in front of Emma then made a gesture that reminded me of what people do when they reenact Moses parting the red sea.

Emma understood what she was meant to do and timidly spread her legs.

Mrs. Doctor had a weird metal looking thing in her hand and she moved herself merely inches away from Emma’s princess part.

The first words that came to my mind were ‘That’s mine; back off.’

“This is a speculum,” she explained, holding the instrument up for us to see. It made me think of a duck bill. “It’ll probably be a bit cold, so somewhat uncomfortable, but just relax and you shouldn’t feel any pain.”

Emma must’ve tensed, because Bessie smiled up at her. “Okay, opposite of what you need to be.”

Emma murmured a sorry and tried to calm down. She turned her head to look up at me. Her brows furrowed as she shifted uncomfortably, her toes scrunching up. She squeezed my hand tighter.

“Alriiiiight,” Bess dragged again, going for something shiny on a tray she brought along with her. “Now, you may feel a slight sensation; I’m going to take some cell samples to make sure you don’t have any STDs - sexually transmitted diseases,” she felt the need to decode the abbreviation for us.

She went back in and Emma promptly stiffened, but not enough to make Bess stop the procedure. She did, however, remind Emma to relax again.

She resurfaced, did some doctor-y stuff, and removed the speculum. Then…well, lubed up her fingers and fingered Emma, occasionally pushing on the outside of Emma’s stomach.

Emma, oh God. She looked so uncomfortable, so I tried making small talk with her, hoping it’d take her mind off of the doctor getting to third base with her. It did.

This srsly took, like, ten minutes.

The rest of the appointment was fairly boring and awkward. Doc sent back the results of the exams and asked us questions about our lives so she could decide what birth control would be best for Emma.

She eventually got the results back and wrote out a prescription for the pill that suited our lifestyles.

There may have been more to what happened, but I seriously blanked out on a great deal of it because she mostly spoke to Emma.

We were soon reunited with my mom. With Emma’s consent, the doctor talked with mother about the birth control and all that jazz.

Ending their conversation, she told us we could go pick up the medication whenever we felt like it. We said our goodbyes and headed off to the one, the only CVS Pharmacy.

And guess who was working the counter. She gave me a raised brow as a greeting when she spotted me. I waved to her with my free hand - the other was still in Emma’s - and followed my mother to the back of the store, to the pharmacy checkout and pick-up.

We had a thirty minutes wait which we took to go by McDonald’s, then came back to a little white paper bag. A disk-shape container was its contents.