Fancy Pants

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So much crap has been goin’ on the past couple chapters, right? So, if you don’t mind, this will be a chill one? The author is stuck with writer’s block again, but still wants to write something for y’all.

Y’all.

I said y’all.

Oh God.

What am I doing on this lovely Friday afternoon? Hanging halfway off the bed, watching Food Network. Heavenly Giada was making hot chocolate for her daughter Jade.

There was an odd tingling sensation going on around my junk. At first I thought I was popping a boner, but then realized it was my phone, buzzing away to inform me of a new text message.

I stuck my butt in the air to retrieve my cellular device.

I brought to my face and saw it was from Natalie.

Something about a party goin’ on tonight at some guy’s house I’ve been to, like, once.
I didn’t care enough to answer her back, because I didn’t want to go. With her, anyway. But then I thought - hey. Emma exists. Go with her.

Since I’ve actually chilled with Emma at her house - with and without her parents being there - I’m comfortable enough to just pop up over there, so I sure as heck did.

I hopped out of my truck and skipped up the pathway to the front door of Emmer’s house. I knock, knock, knocked until someone answered. Someone being Herald.

He said all fancy-like, “Ah, Mr. Dodger. What a pleasant surprise. May I take your bag?”

Not caring much for small-talk, I just said, “Emma,” pointing in the direction of her room.

“Yes, she is here. She’s up in her room - may I take your -?”

“Great - thanks.” I sprinted passed him, then up the stairs to Emma’s room, and knocked loudly on her door, which was shut. I could almost feel Herald staring at me though he was nowhere near the second floor - I hope.

I heard some shuffling and the door opened quickly, and there stood lovely Em.

“Geez, what?”

“Hi!” I hugged her quickly, walking passed her, jumping down on her bed. She laughed, shutting the door behind her, but stayed over there.

“Hey.”

“Wanna hang out?” I asked bouncing up and down on her oddly bouncy bed.

Joining me on her bed, then realized too late that was a bad idea because she weighs, like, nothing, so she couldn’t stop from uncontrollably bouncing now, too. And because I’m the devil, I didn’t stop so I watched her laugh incredibly hard while she tried to get me to stop.

The only reason I eventually stopped was because my legs got tired. Phew - well, those thirty seconds were the longest I have ever worked out.

Never again, I promised.

When Emma finally stopped laughing, I asked again, “So…wanna hang out?”

She scooted until her back touched the headboard, and she grabbed a pillow to hold against her chest.

“Hang out? Is that what we’re doing right now?”

“Well…yeah, but I mean, like…a par-tay.”

“Whose?”

“Some Adam dude.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. We should go.”

“Tonight?”

I nodded at her. “Yup.”

“Huh. Okay.”

That party turned out to be horrible. Not for me, but for some poor girl. She came running down the steps, crying, a boy following close behind her.

“No, Bethany, you have to listen to me: It didn’t mean a thing. She doesn’t mean anything to me!”

“LIAR!” she sobbed, flying out the door, whipping out her phone. He sighed, chasing after her.

From the couch, I felt a bit bad for enjoying this. I mean, I’ve seen it happen so many times in the movies, but never in real life. I was just happy it wasn’t me being cheated on.

Emma feels the same, I think.

“Dodger, I’d kick your bum-bum if you ever did that to me.”

“…Really?”

“No. I’d be too busy curled up in a corner, sobbing.”

“Oh. Geez…” If there was a mood, she just slaughtered it. Brutally. “You sound like you need a drink.”

“A Kool-Aid would be nice, yes.”

I nodded, and turned around to tap Natalie on the shoulder. Yeah. She’s here.

Sitting on the arm of the couch, she was in the middle of a conversation with some girl, but she tipped her head towards me with a puzzled look, stopping mid-sentence. I shouted to her to watch over Emma while I got her a drink. She just sent back a thumbs-up to us both, and took my spot when I got up and disappeared into the sparse crowd of drunk, horny teenagers that couldn't find a place to sit so they stood in the center of the goddamn room like a bunch of dicks.

I soon returned with a cup of water and a few of those Kool-Aid Fun fizz things.

Emma observed them confused, so I said, “They don’t serve Kool-Aid that isn’t spiked.”

“Oh. Figures.”

I answered Emma back in a mumble - “Yeah” - before I smacked Natalie on the side of her head, and took back my spot as she grumbled at me but moved to the arm of the couch.

Emma told me to hold the cup, so she could tear open the Kool-Aid packet, and drop it into the cup after a, “In 5, 4, 3, 2…”

That sucker fizzed; the little red bubbles looked so awesome filling up the cup, basically eating any clear water there was.

I understood completely when she was ecstatic. “That was awesome!” she marveled. “Go get more water!”

I chuckled. “After you finish that.”

She pouted, and brought the red plastic cup to her mouth, but stopped, remembering what she didn’t have.

“I don’t have straw.”

“Oh, yeah. You won’t drink Kool-Aid without a straw.”

“Red Kool-Aid,” she corrected me. “It stains my tooth - teeth…” She looked at me for confirmation. “Tooth?” She paused to stare up at the ceiling. “Wait - teeth as in one, tooth as in many…no?”

I shook my head and fought to urge to hug her and never let go. “Nope.”

“Well…you know what I am meaning - teeth…tooth?”

I just laughed at her, getting up. “Right. I’ll be right back.” I turned to tap on Natalie’s shoulder again.

“Unless you want me to do it,” Emma offered. Heh. No. I get she was probably bored, but she was much safer here on the couch with chicks she knew than trying to walk through this mass of drunk, sleazy dudes, so -

“No. You stay here.”

“Can I at least go with you? I'm very bored,” she begged. “And if you say no, I will hate you forever.”

“No, you won’t.”

“I know, but pleaeeeeeasee?”

.
.
.

“Fine.”

I grabbed her hand and pulled her up and off the couch. She brought her drink with her.

As we bobbed and weaved through all the party-goers, I made sure to never let go of her hand, even when she’d slow down and kept getting cut-off by people trying to drunkenly bro-hug it out between us.

We finally made it to the kitchen and I pulled away from her, leaving me to feel strangely cold, to get a straw from the cabinet.

I waved the straw in her face and she smiled. She grabbed it, and then held up her drink.

“Ice cubes?”

Not knowing if there would even be any, I shrugged, but moved over to the freezer, which had about four guys in front of it. I cursed at them loudly and they scampered off into the living room.

Heh. Yeah, you know just love being feared now by err’body.

I opened the freezer door and held my hand out. She gave me the cup, and I dropped a few ice cubes in it, then my eyes flashed up to her.

She gave me the ‘more’ look. I sighed like I was annoyed with her but she knew it wasn’t fo’ real, so she grinned. I dropped a couple more in, and then looked back at her.

The ‘more’ look was thrown at me again.

“How much ice do you need?” I scoffed.

“More than that,” she replied snobbishly. I made the ‘oh-I-see-how-it-is’ face, but turned back to the ice tray, and fetched out some more ice.

I took a few seconds to take a look around. No one was in here. We were alone. Finally.

Closing the freezer door, I popped the now cold red plastic cup back in front of her, ignoring the fact that she appeared to be off in her own little world. She had turned her head, probably checking out the kitchen.

It was a NICE kitchen.

I pushed it up against her arm.

She blinked at it. “Oh…Oh, right.” She grabbed the drink from my hand. “Thanks.”

“Yup.”

I headed for the door, but stopped when I realized that little pimp wasn’t at my side. I slung my arm out in her direction. She took my hand, and we stomped outta there like I'm sure Taylor Swift wanted to at the VMA’s.

Oh. What? Those jokes are irrelevant now? You’re irrelevant. Take that, hoe.

Once the couch was in my view, I stopped and glared.

Guess what fucker was sitting in our spot.

.

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Dramatic pause.

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d

a

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Yup. SO the author lied when she said this was going to be a chill chapter.

When he spotted us, his little irritating face twisted into a smile. Emma grasped onto my arm once she recognized who it was. Then the little bitch winked at her.

PREPARE TO DIE, MEATBAG.

“Oh, don’t you even,” I snapped before he could say anything, getting Natalie’s attention.

Her head jerked to me, baffled. “Uhm…what?”

“Not you,” I hissed at her. “Him.”

She started to ask who, but looked for herself. And once she realized who ‘him’ was, she glared. Needing to vent to someone, Natalie was the one person besides all of you who I told about David putting a camera in my room and what it recorded.

“Oh, that fucker,” she snarled. “You’re a douchebag, you know that?”

His smirk grew as he looked back at her. “Feisty,” he remarked. “I like that.”

She didn’t waste a second before slapping him hard across the face. She suspects he put the camera in my room to catch Emma and I doing the dirt so he could forward it to everyone, then say I did it.

I considered it.

Gasps rang out from everyone who was sober enough to realize what was going on.

Emma took this moment to fling her drink in his face; the ice cubes stuck in his hair and in his lap. I felt like a proud parent to both Natalie and Emma. But a little upstaged.

“What the fuck?” he grunted, simultaneously gripping where Natalie smacked and wiping the Kool-Aid from his eyes. He shot up to shake the ice cubes off.

Hmm. Now what shall I do?

Got it.

Right as he moved his hands away from his face, I had a clear shot. I cocked my fist back and aimed for his cheek. More gasps rose from the now growing crowd as David clutched the side of his mouth.

His eyes swung wildly around the three of us.

“What the fuck?” he groaned again.

“What do you mean ‘what the fuck?’ You put a camera in my room.”

Both Natalie and Emma said, “What?”

“That scum put a camera in your room?” Natalie asked, doing a fabulous job at acting like she didn’t already know. She scowled at him again. “You’re absolutely disgusting.”

“Kick his ass,” I heard faintly from beside me and looked down to see Emma giving him a death glare. “He is a horrible person for no reason.” She peeked up at me and nodded.

“Kill…him,” she repeated slowly. "Please."

Then the words ‘fight’ began to surface.

“Fight,” someone instigated the chant. “Fight, fight, fight!” Slowly others joined in.

David dropped his hand down from his jaw and he made the bring-it-on hand gesture. “Yeah,” he said. “Fight me.”

Knowing how wonderful it would feel, I didn’t waste a second. I angled my fist back again, further back this time, and took aim for his nose.

It must’ve happened at lightning speed because he looked taken back by it.

I went for another go, grabbing onto his collar. Inches away, another word made me stop.

“Cops!” someone shouted.

The room went dead quiet. Then erupted with yelling as everyone broke out running. I let go of David and grabbed Emma’s hand, then Natalie by her hoodie. Knowing the front door probably wasn’t an option - the red and blue flashing lights told me that - the three of us ran to what I assumed was Adam’s bedroom.

Natalie almost broke the door by slamming it shut as hard as she did, earning raised brows from Emma and I. But the stern voices of men made us understand completely and I went for the window.

Seeing it wasn’t locked, I flung it open, motioning for Natalie and Emma to hurry the fuck up.

Natalie bolted over to it, dunking out the three foot high window, then helped Emma when it was her turn. I crawled out last, not even bothering to close it behind me, and off we ran through the yards of Adam’s neighbors.

Having a feeling that something like this would happen, I luckily parked several houses down.

Reaching that certain house, we turned down the side of it to see almost every neighbor was out in their yard, eyes on Adam’s house.

As nonchalantly as we could, we piled into my truck and took off at reasonable speed, reaching my house within five minutes. The whole ride there was filled with exclamations about what just happened.

Dare I say, we all bounded.

How cute, right?

Shutting off the engine, we stepped into the driveway and said ‘bye, skank-face’ to Natalie as she headed for her house.

Emma and I, of course, locked hands and went for the front door of my humble abode. I let her go in first, then followed behind. Closing the door, I shouted to my mom that we were home, getting a “Yay!” in return.

We ventured on into my room, and spent the rest of the night watching movies.

The only quarrel I have with this night is how shitty that ‘fight’ was. Thanks, author. (Author: My writer’s block went away for a bit then came back. My bad.)

I know you’d be excited to hear that as soon as we woke up the next morning, we banged. It made me happy, anyway.

After Emma grabbed a random hoodie off the ground, putting it on, I gave her a big kiss before getting up to go to the bathroom.

She giggled out an “Okay,” laying back down, rolling over onto her side, the blanket pulled under her chin.

I pulled the door slightly shut behind me, leaving it a tad ajar. I looked towards the living room when I heard two sets of voices - a male and a woman’s. I leaned forward and got a glimpse of my mom sitting on the couch with a teenage guy.

Ooh. Cougar mama.

Unfortunately, what’s-his-face also caught sight of me, stopping from answer my mom. She looked at him, waiting, before looking where he was.

“Oh, look who’s up.” She had a warm smile. She gestured for me to join them. And because I was just in boxers, I didn’t.

I stayed in the shadow of the walkway. “I have to pee,” I said as an excuse.

“Dodger!” my mom exclaimed. “Well, fine.” She stopped to smile at whoever he was. She motioned to him.

“Dodger, this is Brandon. Brandon, Dodger.”

He began to smile, but opened his mouth to correct my mom. “Brendon, actually - with an ‘e’.”

My mom looked embarrassed as she clapped her palm onto he forehead.

“Ah, I’m sorry - Brendon.”

I stared at them, waiting for my mom to explain who he was, besides ‘Brendon.’ I started with, “Uhm…?” They looked to me, so I continued. “Who is he exactly?”

“Oh, right!” she exclaimed again. “Brendon is moving in right next door; his mother came over with him, but left to turn off the oven - she was cooking…uh…?”

“Au Gratin,” Brendon reminded her. She snapped her fingers at him.

“Yeah, that’s it - she’ll be back over in a few minutes, so you can meet her, Dodger - is Emma still here?” I nodded. She said to Brendon, “Emma is Dodger’s girlfriend. Lovely young lady, really. You all should get along well, I think.”

No. Just -no. For some reason, I already hated him. He had this sort of ‘douchebag-y’ aura about him, like the kind of douchebag that would try to steal your girl. If he tries to talk to Emma, I’m decking him.

I muttered back, “Right,” turning back towards the bathroom, leaving my mom and Brendon to go back to their little convo from earlier. I made the mistake of bringing my phone into the bathroom with me so I was in there for about five minutes.

Finishing my game of Solitare, I exited the bathroom, turning for the kitchen, thirsty. Stepping into the living room, I noticed Brendon was gone, and only my mom sat on the couch.

I still pressed on into the kitchen.

“Where’s…” I suddenly forgot his name. “…Brandon?”

“Brendon,” she corrected me as I pulled open the fridge, grabbing two Ginger Ales. “He had to use the restroom, but you were in there; I think he’s talking to Emma.”

No.

I tried not to slam the fridge door shut, but ended up doing it anyway. Ignoring my mom as she asked what was wrong, I returned back to my room to see my door was slightly more closed then it was before. I fought the urge to kick it open.

I pushed it open to see him leaning on my dresser, and Emma laid buried in the blankets. They stopped whatever it was they were talking about and looked to me. I couldn’t stop glaring at him.

The words “Fuck off,” slipped out. Emma’s jaw instantly dropped, and she sat up as I sat next to her.

“Dodger!” she scolded. “Be nice.” I will not be nice to this bitch. I just shrugged, handing her one the pops.

“Hey, now,” Brendon said with a small smirk. “No need to be getting feisty. The only one I wanna see gettin’ feisty is that little sweet thing right there.” He was looking right at Emma.

"Uh, too bad she's mine?" I said, like I was confused with him.

“As if you could ever get a piece of this,” Emma said to him, pointing to herself. I unintentionally glared at her. The fuck did she just say?

Brendon with a fucking ‘e’ smirked bigger. “As if I would, and I totally will.”

“As if you make sense?”

“As if I do.”

“AS IF YOU COULD FUCK OFF,” I huffed. “Why isn’t that happening?”

“I don’t know, mate. Finish him.”

“I thought I told you to hit the road, sister,” I continued, ignoring her little comment, “not flirt with my girlfriend right in front of me. Go on. SHOO.”

I picked up an opened pack of Skittles and started chucking them at him.

He tried to dodge them, but ended up getting hit anyway. “Alright, alright,” fuck-face said, palms raised towards the ceiling. “I give. BYE.”

But he didn't shut the door on his way out.

This fucking skank -

“BRANDON,” I shrieked, making Emma laugh really, really hard. His head popped around the corner.

"What?" he asked, not sure if he'd like the answer.

"WILL YOU CLOSE THE FUCKING DOOR WHEN YOU LEAVE MY ROOM? HOLY SHIT MAN."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!" That was Emma dying of laughter.

"Y-yeah," he said, grabbing the doorknob. "S-sorry." He shut the door behind him.

I laid back so I was on my back, and popped a few Skittles in my mouth. Emma must’ve been feeling pretty special because she smiled really big.

“Was that jealousy?” she asked, poking me. “Was Sir Dodger jealous? Does he not like someone flirting with his girlfriend?” She gasped all dramatically. “ALERT THE MEDIA.”

“NO,” I said sharply. “I just don’t like that bitch.”

“SUUUUURRREEE. Y’know, that’s exactly what a jealous, stubborn boyfriend would say to his gorgeous and alluring girlfriend.” She gasped dramatically again into her hands and laid on top of me, and rolled around.

Whatta idiot.

“Well, no shit,” I laughed. She stopped when I grabbed her sides to tickle her. She sat up next to me. I for some reason had to remind her, “I love you - dumbass.”

She probably had the biggest smile on her face, but didn’t seem to know what to say. She lurched forward to cup my face and gave me a big kiss. Pulled back to just giggle giddily and drop her head onto my shoulder.

“I love you too,” she squeaked out, and then giggled - again. I think that she was too happy to say anything. I laughed, and hugged her, pulling her closer.

We laid there a few seconds before I realized, “You’re not wearing pants…” I took a peek. “…or underwear.”

“Uhm, hah. Nope.”

I smiled and said, “I dig that.”