Status: In the works right now, heh. btdubbs be a dear and tell me if I'm wasting my time updating this crap story. thnx.

Fancy Pants

Fancy Pants Ch. Four Score and Seven Years Ago


On Monday morning, after sleeping x-amount of hours the night before, I opened my eyes to the dreaded sound of my alarm going off. I groaned, nearly smashing the dismiss icon. Silence was welcomed and appreciated. I laid there for three minutes in peace before there being a quiet knock hitting my door.

I turned my head to the door, and just looked at it.

I was waaaaaaaaaaaaayyy too comfortable and tired to move.

“What?” My voice cracked and my eyes burned when the door crept ajar and what must’ve been gallons of stolen light from the sun forced itself through the opening.

“Honey?” It was my mom. “Natalie’s going to be here soon. Get up.”

So, I’ll explain. Since Natalie and I live near a bus stop that takes us to school, she should be on it, but she just moved here and doesn’t want to be on a bus full of people she doesn’t know. My mom offered ‘on my behalf’ that I would give her a ride every morning so she doesn’t have to suffer.


I sighed loudly, suddenly not wanting to spend time with Natalie, damn-well knowing how cool of a person she is but completely dismissing that, remembering my mom’s tactics.

“Fine.” I turned my back to her

She began to say something - probably having to do with me not getting up when she wanted - but was interrupted by a light knock coming from the living room.

“Oh, I think that’s her. Hurry.” My mom darted to answer it, neglecting to shut my door behind her. The bright stream of light continued to reflect off a body-length mirror I had propped up at the corner of the head of my bed.

I shot imaginary lasers after her.

“Bitch,” I grumbled, pulling my blanket over my head. I wrapped an arm around The Chew for body heat and comfort, beginning to give into the gnawing itch of sleep. My eyes shot open at the sound of my mother greeting Natalie and telling her I was still wasting away in bed. I’m imagining she told her to go wake me or else we’d be late because I heard Natalie say okay and then the sound of her feet padding towards my door.

She lightly tapped on the partially closed door. “Uh, Dodger? It’s Natalie.”

I guess she has no patience in the morning because she flipped on the light without even giving me a second to respond. If I had no self-control, I’m sure I would’ve sprang into the air and flung a machete at her.

Instead I reacted in a more acceptable way.

“Gaaahh! The light! The light - SHIT. WHY?” Chewy didn’t appreciate Natalie’s rude wake-up call and lurched up to bark at her, in lieu of running at her, he just decided to stand on my junk. I held back a scream, only letting out the pained facial expressions, because he didn’t give me any sort of warning and scared the crap out of me and that’s all that came out.

“Ow, ow. OW. Chewy, ow!” He was stepping repeatedly on my delicates. I shoved the fucker, but he’s a B I G dog, and just repositioned himself on my bladder and empty stomach.


He barked in response. I finally accepted I was not going to get him off me by myself so I just laid there.

“Get off meeeeeeeeee,” I whined and shoved him again to no avail – he barked. I barked back.

I heard someone laugh – a cute laugh that took me a couple seconds to recognize. Oh yeah Natalie’s here. I looked up.

Oh, hello.

She was looking, uh, none-too-shabby. She was wearing pants that were cut into shorts, and a v-collar shirt that showed some cleavage. Grey Toms on her feet and a red beanie on her head.

Frankly, she looked like most of the teenage girls who go to our school. She definitely looked cute, but eh, kind of hipserty.

She made a face at me, and said, “Are you okay? Or is there, like, something on my face, or?” I had just now realized I must’ve been staring at her for quite some time.

“Uhm…” I tried to sit up, but Chewy was still sitting on me, so I laid back down. “Uh, heh. No. I was just, uh…I was just…hi.” I forced out a ‘friendly’ smile, but I’m sure I looked mental.

“Uhm,” she laughed. “You’re high?”

“What? Uh, no, no. I meant, ‘hi’ like…” I leaned back, arms crossed over my chest, and made a peace sign with my pointer and middle finger. “Wassup?” I said, like a real OG with a ‘sup’ nod. I didn’t particularly like the way I responding to her right now and replaced the previous tone with a harsher ‘joking’ one.

I rolled my eyes. “Yes, Natalie. I’m high. At six in the morning.”

She smiled. Oh, her teeth are pretty. But Emma’s are prettier. Way prettier.

…why did I just compare her to Emma?

“Do you need…help, or something?” Natalie asked, looking from Chewy to me.

“Uh…yes, please?”

She smiled again, and then whistled. Chewy’s big head jerked up. She whistled again, and said, “Come on, boy. Come on! You wanna go on a walk?” Chewy barked, and jumped off me – stepping on my kidney and bladder in the process - running out of the room.

I groaned in pain, instantly sitting up, only to fall back down onto the bed.

“Thanks,” I said, looking at the inside of my eyelids.

“No prob.” I could hear the smile in her voice. I opened my eyes to see that she was, in fact, smiling.

“Gee,” I muttered, closing my eyes again, resting my hands on my stomach. “You sure do like to smile.”

“Hah. Yup. But only at really cute guys.”

I opened my eyes to stare at her in confusion. “Where the hell did that come from? You suddenly thing I’m cute?”

She titled her head as she shrugged with a big ol’ smile planted in her face. “Nope. Thought it for a while. Just declaring it now, because why not? Cute guys bring out sudden thoughts from me.”

Her smile widened.

“You are one cheesy mother fucker.”

She laughed. “You know just what to say to a lady. Thanks.”

“De nada.”

She kind of chuckled. “So are you going to get up and get dressed or am I going to have to persuade…you?”

What the fuck? Did she talk to my mom or something? What’s with her?

“Uh,” I pushed out a small laugh. “I’d actually prefer you not to touch me.” While Emma exists.

“Well, that wounded me. Thanks.”

I smiled. “Didn't mean it like that. I just woke up; I’m grouchy.”

“Yeah, but still…ouch.” She put her hand over her heart, and frowned. I rolled my eyes at her, and SHE SMILED.

“Wow. I must be gorgeous, because you cannot stop smiling.”

She continued to grin. “No denying that.” She winked at me.

“You’re full of it,” I said, shaking my head. Before she could say anything, I interjected. “Now am I going to have to throw you out of here so I can change in peace or will you go without a fight?”

That infamous smile still beamed as she shook her head in defeat. “I guess I’ll leave you be.”

“Thank you.”

“Yup.” She began to close the door behind her, but seconds before it clicked shut, she spoke quickly. “But if you need any help, just let me know. I will gladly help.”

I suppressed a snort, but laughed nonetheless. “Yeah. Got it.” When she closed the door, I sat up and silently asked God what the fuck that was. Not getting a response, I let it go and got changed.

It took me about five minutes. I kept almost giving up and lying back down in my bed to sleep. And now, suddenly on the verge of passing out, I headed for my bedroom door.

Clearly using heaps of energy with this action, when I opened it, I yawned.

"Oh, so I'm boring you already?" Natalie asked with her arms crossed and her eyebrows narrowed in a 'I'm-trying-to-be-serious' kind of way.

I yawned again. "Yeah, sure." Why am I so tired?

“Why are you so tired, mister?” Natalie spoke my thoughts, following me into the living room, joining me on the couch. “Had a…rough night?” She had paused and smiled, arching her eyebrows momentarily before using the word ‘rough.’


A yawn came through yet again and I repeated, “Yeah, sure.”

Stupidly not grasping that I wasn’t being serious and was just using my go-to answer for everything because I was way too tired to come up with something more intelligent, Natalie tipped her head slightly as her smile fell.

“Oh, really?” she said with a hint of what I’m going to say was hurt. She pushed a smile to her face and asked, “With who?”

“Myself,” I yawned out, rubbing my eyes until I went into another galaxy with stars and shit.

She had a look on her face I couldn’t give a fuck about enough to try and decipher what it meant. She smiled, nodding.

“Alright.” Then the light bulb of creativity flickered on over her head. “Well, gee, it’s a shame I couldn’t be there.”

Not knowing what to say I used my go-to answer and yawn for that.


“Yeah, sure.”


So the drive to school was pretty much silence. Occasionally she’d say something like, ‘It’s cold; I should’ve worn a jacket,’ or ‘Watch out for that old lady -…well, you tried,’ and I'd take about a minute later to reply or even acknowledge the fact that she said something.

I’m using the ‘I’m way tired’ as an excuse, because why not? I just really didn’t care for her right now.

I ended up having to show her where her classes were and pointless other rooms she might need to go to like the cafeteria or the nurse. That took all the way up until the first bell rang so I didn’t get to have my thirty minutes of extra sleep like I usually do. I better not be sleepy and yawning all day.

I yawned at the thought of yawning.

Natalie’s first class, by the way, is my first class, so she’s talking my ear off right now. She stopped abruptly but my eyes were sown shut, so I didn’t know nor care why.

Until I heard that little Italian accented voice.

“Dodger,” it said, tapping a finger on my nose. Knowing who it was, I didn’t rip their finger off. Just shot my eyes open to see tiny Emma standing in front of my desk.


She held up a black hoodie, which I took more than a few seconds to recognize as mine once I saw a band logo I very much cherished.

“You left this at my home,” she explained, her accent running thick. I took it from her.

“Oh, thanks.”

She nodded her head, saying I was welcomed, gave a quick look to Natalie before saying bye, and left the room for her first class. It was thankfully silent for ten glorious seconds before Natalie ruined it.

“You were at Emma Russo’s house?” she asked incredulously, using Emma’s last name and the italicized and bolded tone for what was probably some dumbass reason.

I fought a yawn but those feisty little pricks can’t be ignored. “Yup.”

“Last night?” she guessed wrong. “Did you guys…do it?” I think she legitimately thought the reason I was insanely tired was because I was banging someone last night, other than myself.

Not snapping at her for trying to invade my privacy, I instead answered both questions with a “No.”

“Then when? What did you guys do?”

I sighed, just praying for sleep, or at least for the late bell to ring so I didn’t have to talk anymore.

“Friday. We had to work on a paper together.”

“…with your hoodie off?” What the fuck - it's a hoodie. Not my undies.

Another exasperated sigh fell out. “Yes. It was like twenty degrees in the morning, then fifty in the afternoon. I wasn’t welcomed to the idea of dying from a heat stroke so I took it off why do you care, anyway?” I snapped not even sure if I cared for an answer.

She shrugged, shaking her head. “I don’t. Just curious.” Liar.

“If you say so.”


I would skip to Psych, but nothing really happened. Everyone subtlety hinted that we should waste the class away talking about what Emma and I did the whole time and if we would do that again. Then Mr. Davis said that we should all get together with our partner again and think of another essay topic to write about for a final draft.




That awkwardness followed me into study hall where David and Chance cornered and interrogated me about Friday, too.

Can I catch a break? Why is it such a big deal to everyone?

My head popped off and flew to the moon when David opened his stupid mouth.

“So, did you guys fuck like I said you would? You did, didn’t you? I totally called it, didn’t I?”

Since there were more than just the three of us in the room, a couple of people turned their heads and so obviously began eavesdropping.

I said loudly enough for everyone to hear, “No. We didn’t.”

I peeked at Chance. He immediately looked down at the ground. He didn’t say anything. It looked like he was refusing to. David probably filled his head with lies of me deceiving him all weekend. I could tell I was slowly losing him as a friend and I didn’t want that.

“Oh, don’t lie,” David urged. “If not all-the-way, then just oral?”

“No. We didn’t do anything.”

He narrowed his eyes at me, like he was trying to read my mind. If he could he just heard a loud ‘FUCK YOU.’

“Are you being serious?” he said, almost like he was starting to believe me. I was about to say yes when he continued to talk. “Then why else would you ditch us for her?”

“I told you - we had to work on a paper for Davis.”

“And that’s all? You ditched us for a stupid paper?”

“No. I ditched you for a grade.”

He suddenly smiled arrogantly. “Oh? So that’s all she’s good for? A good grade?” I hate him. The first thing I thought was him telling Emma that I was just using her.

“No!” I swear I said for the twentieth time. “And don’t you go telling her that; it’s not true.”

“But isn’t it?” he smirked. He glanced up at the clock, slowly backing over to his seat, thumb hooked on Chance’s collar. “Her little heart would break if she knew the truth.”

“Seriously. Don’t.” I was pleading by this point.

“Why?” He paused, something dawning on him. “Do you like her?”

“If I say yes, will you stop being such a prick?”

“Oh, so you do!” he exclaimed triumphantly, ignoring the other half of that sentence. “Well, why didn’t you just say that?”

“Because you wouldn’t believe me,” I said shrewdly.

“Well, you’re telling me now, and I believe you.” The bell rang and David grinned at me, grabbing onto Chance once more, dragging him the rest of the way to their seats.

whatta dick oh my god.


I think about fucking Emma a lot more than I probably should.

Oh well.

I was currently sitting in homeroom with Natalie, yet again not really attempting to contribute to the conversation she had started an hour ago. Slowly beginning to realize that talking in the early hours was not my cup of tea, she began to trail her sentence off…only to crudely pick it up again. But it seemed to be an apology so I’m cool with it.

“I’m sorry,” she said, shaking her head like she was upset with herself. “I keep reminding myself you aren’t really responsive in the morning but” - she threw her hands into the air, pointing at her head - “the blonde’s getting to my brain!”

I pushed out a laugh. “It’s fine. Hey,” I snapped my fingers at her. “Gotta stay true to your stereotype.”

She didn’t get more than a laugh out as a response before our attention was drafted to another set of voices. One being of a higher pitch. But it wasn’t who I wanted it to belong to. This one…had a hint of ‘bitch’ to it.

Gracie Hart came waltzing into the room, a pair of female specimens trailing behind her. That voice of hers was badmouthing someone who I’m sure didn’t deserve it. But before I could figure out who it was - or at least what they did - she silenced herself, eyes doing a double take at me.

“Oh, hi, Dodger,” she chirped out, letting one of her friends - a red-haired girl - glide passed her; the other - blondie - stayed back with Gracie.

I’m not even sure the smile I tried to push out made it through, but hoped the peace-sign I threw her way was good enough.

“Hey.” My sleepy eyes followed her friend who was clearly the reason they came into this room as she pulled open the bottom drawer of a file-cabinet, grabbed a glue stick and a pair of scissors, then pushed the drawer shut.

She turned to face her friends, holding the items in her hands. When she made it back over to them, she got a grip on Gracie’s arm, yanking her out behind them.

“Thanks, Orsborne - let’s go, Grace.”

“Bye, Dodger!” Gracie called out quickly. “See you in Math.”


Natalie and I sat there for a while and I took those several blissful seconds to close my eyes, honestly believing that would diminish my sleepiness. It didn’t.

“Are you and Gracie dating?”

“Only in her dreams,” I didn’t mean to murmur. I meant to scream it loud enough for her to


That was a mean thing to say, but I don’t regret it. Oops.

“Oh, geez,” Natalie laughed shortly. “I take it she likes you, but you don’t feel the same?”

I held in my yawn and nodded. “Unfortunately. I mean, it’s not like she isn’t a nice person or anything, but she just tries too hard, you know? And her plans end up backfiring on her and just make her look desperate and - it’s not attractive, is what I’m trying to say.”

“But do you think you’d like her if she wasn’t all…”

“Her?” I ended up smiling, trying to make this conversation less cruel. I shrugged. “Eh. I don’t know. I’ve only known her as…that. It’d be shocking to see her any other way. Like, I’d see her for the way she used to be, but she’d act the way she normally would around anyone else. It’d be weird.” I’m not making sense. “You know what I mean?”

She smiled, nodding her head. “I think so. Do you like anyone then?" she asked as I glanced up at the clock.

"No," I wound up hesitating, which I’m sure she caught. "Do you?" I asked back.

A small smile grew on her face. "I don't really know yet, but I think I do.” Aw, that’s cute. I wondered who, hopping it wasn’t me. But at the same time I did. I don’t know; evil boys plans?

I smiled back, but I didn't press her. She could tell me if she wanted to.

The first bell rang just when students started pouring into the classroom. Natalie and I said our goodbyes and she went to her seat.


I pulled the truck into the McDonald’s drive-tru.

Oh, you know, just trying to die young. Emma and I were obviously hanging out right now because of the Psych paper; this is a detour to her house. Us hungry.

After getting our health-ridden delicious food, we sat in the parking lot and ate. We didn’t really talk much, just occasional comments about random things. It was nice. That’s how I knew we could at least at some point be friends that weren’t always out and doing things. I like it. It was, as previously said, nice.

Also, every time I burped, she laughed, so…that’s a good sign, maybe.

“My dad is home today now, I think.”

My fry stuck in my throat and I choked, sending myself into a coughing frenzy.

“Oh, my!” Emma exclaimed, handing rushing over to be patted onto my back. “Are you okay?” she asked after handing me my drink. I chugged it down which ended up being a bittersweet thing. It helped but when I tried to answer her, I burped. But she laughed, so…

“…yep. Just fine.” I blinked away my tears and took a deeeeeeep breath. “I’d be even better if I didn’t have to meet your dad.” I flashed a smile hopping she would see that I’m a good person at heart and shouldn’t be put through these Saw-like forms of torture.

She took that small hand of hers from my back and cupped the side of my face. It stayed stationary for half a second before it patted my cheek, prior to retreating back to her lap.

“You’ll be fine. He’s not that bad.”

“Oh, gee, why don’t I believe you?”

“Trust issues?” she guessed with a glowing smile. I returned it.

“I’ve learned to not trust anything that could lead me to death.”

“You’ll be fine,” she promised, but I still wasn’t okay with believing her words. It showed as I knocked my head back with a groan.

“Why can’t we just go to my house?” I suggested in a whinny voice. “My mom’s been off work since noon today. Can’t you tell them that?” I swear I have an irrational fear - a phobia of meeting dads. But, I mean, come on now. Dads are scary and protective of their daughters, and they always seem to hate me.

Emma scrunched up her mouth and sighed, giving me a look I only had seconds to decode before she deciphered it for me. “Fine,” she said causing relief to overwhelm me. “I will try.” She pulled out her phone and did some clicking. I went back to downing my pop as we waited.

I had to pee. I’m not sure if it’s because I chugged about half my drink within ten seconds or because of the thought of her mom and/or dad saying no to her going to my house and forcing us to stay at hers. Not like I’m not down with her house. Besides the fact that her father and butler reside there, her room is there and I want to see it.

But then I remembered I have a room and if they say yes, she will see it and maybe other things in it.

Ah. Evil boy plans brewing.

Oh, who am I kidding? She’s too much of a goody-two-shoe. Not trying to be mean here, but she’s probably one of those ‘ixnay on the premarital-sex-nay.’ Not that that’s a bad thing, at all.

I sat back in wonder. Man, when was the last time I had sex?

Before I could answer my own question, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Emma make a face that looked of surprise.

Uh-oh. She didn’t hear my thoughts, did she?

She dismissed that fear as she spoke. “They say ‘yes.’”

“They did?” I asked even not nearly as shocked she was. She nodded. She must’ve typed out one hell of a convincing message for them to say yes. We both sat back in silence.

Well…that’s a good thing…I think. I immediately wondered if she thought it was a good thing.

“Uh…you want to go over to my house, right? We don’t have to. I can suck it up and go to yours. Just let me tell my mom I love her first.”

“No, is fine,” she assured with a smile on her face. “I am looking forward to meeting your mom.”

Ehhhhhh. No. My mom…around girls she presumes I have a thing for…a n n o y I n g. (Wow, look at that. Microsoft capitalized the ‘I’. Good job.)

I just hope Natalie isn’t there.

With that being said, she probably is.
♠ ♠ ♠