Fallen Leaves

The flat was empty. My beauty had gone somewhere, hidden in the vast yellowing lights that illuminate his train journey home. He was off to see his parents and maybe reconcile with an old school friend or two. Just a day trip, no mind, but still, he’d be gone for a while. They were perfect, his roots. My beauty’s life before he decided to ditch it for me. Little old me. The one with hardly any self control anymore.

I never use to feel it as strongly as this, the pain. The dullness of the buzz just became a normal background noise- broken by my forced grins and deep sighed smiles. I lie a lot, you see. I’ve become quite good at it, too. It’s become such a daily thing that it comes so naturally and a day where I’m completely honest is hard to come by. Despite being aware, I hardly notice anymore. I guess that’s why I wonder if anyone else does. If anyone can see past my guard, though I strongly doubt it. I know, though, that one person does that’s why I hate him. My mahogany eyed beauty, he was always so aware of stupid little details. Things that should never have gotten out, he had no right to steal my privacy. Always just invading enough to ask ‘are you sure?’ after seeing if I’m okay. Always leaving sentences hanging, never believing me. I should be grateful. At least he doesn’t know what I’m capable of.

He knew me first and foremost as his best friend. The one he can lovingly bully around, even I’m not stupid enough to take it seriously. That boy he saw for the first time in the flesh and didn’t know what to say, slightly starstruck over a guy he’d only dreamed of meeting, let alone knowing. I’m just ‘sweet, lovely Kellin who wouldn’t hurt a fly’. I don’t even curse half the time, that’s how ‘perfect’ I am.. Sometimes I look in the mirror and laugh, I’m none of those things. I never have been nor ever will be. If only I could bring myself to show people that I’m not like that, at all.

I suppose that’s why I’m doing this, staring down at the people below me. Completely obvious of what’s to come, bless them. They’re probably too caught up in their routines and hurrying off to work. Same time, every day for 5 days, every year of their lives. See, that very concept puzzles me. Why would you want to live your life in routine? I spent my life up until 18 years old following the same plan, the same routine. It ruined me in the worse possible way. It’s the reason I have these scars marking my body and mind; the reason I rebelled and never listened, never got decent grades. The reason this noise and dull pain will never go away unless I break it. Unless I get rid of any means of routine. The routine of waking up, seeing, smelling, hearing, working, breathing, everything. I don’t need it, I don’t want it. I don’t want to feel suffocated anymore.

I’ve sat here for what seems only minutes, but I’m so tired. Hunger has built up within my stomach and it suddenly dawns on me that maybe I’ve been here longer than I intentionally thought. My phones next to me, on silent of course but it seems I missed the screen glow white.. I check to see what happened, though my eye catches the time. It’s 3pm, not possible. I’ve been sitting here since 4, time cannot be rewind. But then, the date. The next day. I’ve been here for 24 hours but in my head it feels much less. What’s wrong we me? You know what, that’s why you’re here. I sigh. I need to do this soon.

Checking the messages, I see that there’s a lot more than I expected. Over 20 missed calls from my beauty. 7 from Jesse and just as many from Tony. My inbox, which is usually only graced with my mothers name, is filled with bright blue messages that read +40. Not a good sign, I take it. I scroll to the bottom and begin reading.

4:45pm
Kells, oh my god. I was on the train and this lady was eating dried fish out of a bag. I swear to god I almost puked. x

5:30pm
Did you get my message before? I don’t think I sent it? If not, wow, train people are crazy..x

7pm
Kellin are you okay? You usually always reply straight away. I checked your twitter and it says you haven’t been on? If you don’t have any credit, please message me back on there? I need to talk to you!x
8:05pm
Okay, seriously now? I’m worried. Is everything okay? Im at home and mom says you’re probably our or something but please reply? Im worried x

I smirk. Worried, ha, of course he’s worried. He’s always worried about me, for all the wrong reasons. I wonder what he’s doing now? If he’s still worried? its been over a day.. then I remember, more messages.

8:15pm
yo kells, it’s jesse. we’re all really worried. are you okay? need me to come over?

How sweet, I think. Jesse always cared more about others than himself, a trait I wish everyone could have. Being so selfless makes him glow, that’s what I adore about him. He’s so pure, so radiant. I have to stop myself from thinking, I’m getting angry. I scroll past more generic texts from Tony and Jesse, asking similar things. All of the ones from my beauty are from last night, save from one. I ignored the rest anyway. The earliest one was from 4 hours ago.

Kellin, you don’t understand how worried I am about you. I’m coming home, I’ll be back around 4ish. Please be ok x

My heart starts pounding, I have little time.

My feet sink into plush carpet, suddenly realizing how much warmer it is in the house. I can’t find what I’m looking for though. A new text flashes on my screen, it’s from Vic. He said he’ll be home in 5 minutes. Pure frustration causes me to throw my phone against the wall. Where the fuck is my note book?

I decide it’s hopeless, he’ll never know. In a way, I suppose that’s a lot better than leaving him to deal with the truth.

I take my time walking back outside. How had I been sitting out in this without a proper jacket? I can certainly tell the temperature difference now, but who cares? It’s not like I’m going to develop any illnesses.

Before I knew what was happening I heard the distinctive sound of keys rustling. It feels like I’m standing at the edge of the world when the door clicks and I close my eyes. In a way, I suppose I am. It’s the end of the world. It’s the end of my world and it’s too late to go silently, now. Well done Kellin, you fucked things up again.

"K-kellin?" I hear my name pass through the older boys lips and I sigh, content with his tone. He’s worried yet again. I look around and he’s clutching his bag, looking straight at me. His lovely eyes looked all red rimmed from.. crying? I don’t know, I don’t care enough anymore to look. I hear him move closer and only then do I speak.

"Come any closer and bad things will happen, Victor."

"Kellin- What.. what are you doing?" I laugh, he knows what I’m doing. He’s seen it before thousands of times on TV and in movies. He’s so native, bless him. "Kellin, seriously. Are you.. no. No! No no no stop!" I turn back around and look out as realization hits him. I hear more footsteps.

"I SAID-" I pause, raising my voice as I turn around and see he’s shuffled a tiny bit closer, hardly near me but still, he moved. The anger and volume in my voice obviously startled him as his eyes opened slightly. "-come any closer and bad things will happen." He shook his head. He was crying now. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t ache to reach out and dry his cheeks but I wasn’t his anymore, nor would I ever be again. Not that we ever were.. but, I suppose that’s what pains me the most.

"Why are you doing this, Kells? We can talk about this!"

"No, we can’t."
"Why not?!"
"You’re so painfully oblivious. You really have no idea, do you?" again, he shook his head. A small smile graced my lips as I let go of the railing and walked back over to him. He looked confused, but then again I suppose he was scared. I could feel the tears building though they hadn’t quite escaped yet. Taking a deep breath, I leaned my forehead against his, his tears now falling far more rapidly. He was staring at the ground, but I forced him into eye contact. I wasn’t going to let him forget this. "Victor.. I love you so, so much, okay? and not just a friend.. I know you know this, but it’s hard. It’s been really hard for a very long time. Before you- before everything that’s shaped me today. I’ve always felt the pressure. Since meeting you, it’s gotten worse and sweetie; I can’t go on."

"Y-You love me?" He stuttered. Was he really that native?

"Yes, dear."

"But you’re doing this because of me?!"

"No, you’ve misunderstood me. I’m doing this for you."

"But how is jumping off of a building going to help me, Kellin?! You’re my best friend, how am I suppose to cope without you?" I lean into him more, grabbing his hands and lacing his fingers with my own. He looked so innocent right now, so fragile. The entire situation and view was enough to make the tears leak from my own eyes and clutch him tighter than anything before. This was it. our goodbye.

"Exactly.. and that’s all I’ll ever be to you, Vic. You’re best friend. You- I. That’s the problem. I know I’m a burden.. finding out my feelings would fuck everything up, wouldn’t it? I mean, I just, I love you with all my heart and it’s just too hard to be without you. It’s not just because of you, though, okay? The voices are telling me to do it, and they wont go away until I do. So I must." and I turn to let go, but he wouldn’t. "Honey.. I have to go now. This is good bye"

"But I don’t want you to go! Kellin, I- you have no idea." So, now I was puzzled. Little water-stained trails marked my cheeks and I cocked my head to the side. Before I knew it, he leaned in. So this was what kissing him felt like- but wait, he felt the same way, too?

”..what?”

"Kellin, you idiot. I-um. I love you, too." his tone was weak and it’s all too much. Way too much. So I yank away, and I run. And I’ve jumped. And I can hear a faint "Kellin" whimper before everything goes black.