My Janey
October 31st
Roger and Janey had been together over a month. And in that time I had seen her a handful of times. I was starting to spiral out of control without her. My grades were slipping, I was always moody, and could hardly sleep or eat. She was my will to live and now with her so close but so far away I was dying.
"I think I'm in love, Haz." Janey looked so happy when she told me I had to smile, even if it was obviously fake. "Can you believe it?"
"That's great. I'm happy for you Janey." No matter how heart broken I was I had to keep my Janey happy. "Have you told him?"
"Oh not yet." Janey blushed the reddening of her cheeks making my heart skip. "Maybe tonight. He's taking me to a party at Cynthia Marsh's house. Come with Haz?"
She looked so excited to have me come with that I agreed instantly. "Of course Janey."
"Good we haven't seen each other in ages!" She looked sad at least about that. "And it's our first party!"
This wasn't an exciting thought for me. I had drank before at a cousin's wedding and hadn't liked it much then. Besides it was a Halloween party, costumes a must. As soon as I got home I went straight to my closet at a loss for what to wear. I had stopped dressing up when I ten after I had been teased by a boy in my class. Janey was going to be a genie, Roger a cowboy of all things. In the back of my closet sat a costume Janey and I had bought the year before as a joke but with no other options I put the Scooby Doo costume on. I felt ridiculous as I looked in the mirror but really what choice did I had?
Janey loved my costume choice. "Oh Haz! Look at you!"
Roger looked like he had stepped out of an old western movie, cowboy hat included; my Janey, oh did my Janey look lovely, in pink parachute pants with a matching pink top that showed off her midsection. Blonde hair up in a sleek ponytail a pink headband added to the look.
"You look beautiful Janey." I said smiling shyly at her. "As always."
"Oh stop, Hazza!" Janey laughed swatting at my arm. "Shall we go?"
I had never been to Cynthia Marsh's house, I'd never spoken to her either. She lived on the outside of Holmes Chapel, almost a twenty minute drive in Rogers small car. I was squished in the back seat with his football bag that reeked of a locker room in need of a good cleaning.
As soon as we stepped foot in Cynthia's house Janey and Roger were gone. I was left alone once again without my Janey. Everyone from school was at the party so I wasn't completely alone but it never felt right unless Janey was with me.
"Didn't know you'd be here." I shouldn't have been surprised that Ellis was here. "Where's Janey?"
"Went off somewhere with Roger." I shrugged.
"Let's get you a beer, yeah?"
I let Ellis take me to where the beer was taking one and sipping on it. I didn't like the bitter taste but I figured I'd get used to it. I could see Janey and Roger talking with his football mates not a group I wanted to willing spend time with. I took to following Ellis around the party not knowing what else to do.
An hour later I was in a drunken panic. I couldn't find Janey anywhere. Some time from entering the party to now I had lost her. I was so worried about her I didn't even want to drink anymore. I had kept an eye on her up until that moment. We were dependent on each other and not knowing where the other was only caused panic. Much like the panic that was settling into my alcohol laden stomach.
She had wondered off in the middle of an intense beer pong game between me and one of our class mates. I had won but without Janey there to celebrate with it didn't feel the same. I excused myself from the next round needing to know where she had went.
I found Roger going shot for shot with his mates in the kitchen but no Janey in sight. I walked around the whole house not finding her in any of the rooms. With one last look around the packed living room I made my way outside.
"Janey!" I called out but was met with only the loud bass from the music inside.
I walked a little away from the house and that's when I saw her. Janey was sitting on the ground makeup running down her cheeks. I had seen Janey cry countless times but this time I knew something had to have gone horribly wrong. She was holding on to the front of her shirt with a death grip. When I reached a hand out to touch her arm she flinched away from me. The fear in her eyes when she looked at me then has always haunted me.
"Janey?" I questioned.
"I want to go home." Her voice was just a hoarse croak nothing like the beautiful tone I was used to.
"Of course." I went to help her up but her scared eyes were on me again making me stall. "Janey what's wrong?"
"I...I don't want to talk about it Haz."
I probably should have made her talk about it that night. Instead I helped her up and we made the long walk back into town. She didn't complain once about the walk, didn't open her mouth at all just silently cried as we walked. I wanted to ask what was wrong but something held me back. I'll always believe that was my fatal mistake in keeping Janey alive.
"I think I'm in love, Haz." Janey looked so happy when she told me I had to smile, even if it was obviously fake. "Can you believe it?"
"That's great. I'm happy for you Janey." No matter how heart broken I was I had to keep my Janey happy. "Have you told him?"
"Oh not yet." Janey blushed the reddening of her cheeks making my heart skip. "Maybe tonight. He's taking me to a party at Cynthia Marsh's house. Come with Haz?"
She looked so excited to have me come with that I agreed instantly. "Of course Janey."
"Good we haven't seen each other in ages!" She looked sad at least about that. "And it's our first party!"
This wasn't an exciting thought for me. I had drank before at a cousin's wedding and hadn't liked it much then. Besides it was a Halloween party, costumes a must. As soon as I got home I went straight to my closet at a loss for what to wear. I had stopped dressing up when I ten after I had been teased by a boy in my class. Janey was going to be a genie, Roger a cowboy of all things. In the back of my closet sat a costume Janey and I had bought the year before as a joke but with no other options I put the Scooby Doo costume on. I felt ridiculous as I looked in the mirror but really what choice did I had?
Janey loved my costume choice. "Oh Haz! Look at you!"
Roger looked like he had stepped out of an old western movie, cowboy hat included; my Janey, oh did my Janey look lovely, in pink parachute pants with a matching pink top that showed off her midsection. Blonde hair up in a sleek ponytail a pink headband added to the look.
"You look beautiful Janey." I said smiling shyly at her. "As always."
"Oh stop, Hazza!" Janey laughed swatting at my arm. "Shall we go?"
I had never been to Cynthia Marsh's house, I'd never spoken to her either. She lived on the outside of Holmes Chapel, almost a twenty minute drive in Rogers small car. I was squished in the back seat with his football bag that reeked of a locker room in need of a good cleaning.
As soon as we stepped foot in Cynthia's house Janey and Roger were gone. I was left alone once again without my Janey. Everyone from school was at the party so I wasn't completely alone but it never felt right unless Janey was with me.
"Didn't know you'd be here." I shouldn't have been surprised that Ellis was here. "Where's Janey?"
"Went off somewhere with Roger." I shrugged.
"Let's get you a beer, yeah?"
I let Ellis take me to where the beer was taking one and sipping on it. I didn't like the bitter taste but I figured I'd get used to it. I could see Janey and Roger talking with his football mates not a group I wanted to willing spend time with. I took to following Ellis around the party not knowing what else to do.
An hour later I was in a drunken panic. I couldn't find Janey anywhere. Some time from entering the party to now I had lost her. I was so worried about her I didn't even want to drink anymore. I had kept an eye on her up until that moment. We were dependent on each other and not knowing where the other was only caused panic. Much like the panic that was settling into my alcohol laden stomach.
She had wondered off in the middle of an intense beer pong game between me and one of our class mates. I had won but without Janey there to celebrate with it didn't feel the same. I excused myself from the next round needing to know where she had went.
I found Roger going shot for shot with his mates in the kitchen but no Janey in sight. I walked around the whole house not finding her in any of the rooms. With one last look around the packed living room I made my way outside.
"Janey!" I called out but was met with only the loud bass from the music inside.
I walked a little away from the house and that's when I saw her. Janey was sitting on the ground makeup running down her cheeks. I had seen Janey cry countless times but this time I knew something had to have gone horribly wrong. She was holding on to the front of her shirt with a death grip. When I reached a hand out to touch her arm she flinched away from me. The fear in her eyes when she looked at me then has always haunted me.
"Janey?" I questioned.
"I want to go home." Her voice was just a hoarse croak nothing like the beautiful tone I was used to.
"Of course." I went to help her up but her scared eyes were on me again making me stall. "Janey what's wrong?"
"I...I don't want to talk about it Haz."
I probably should have made her talk about it that night. Instead I helped her up and we made the long walk back into town. She didn't complain once about the walk, didn't open her mouth at all just silently cried as we walked. I wanted to ask what was wrong but something held me back. I'll always believe that was my fatal mistake in keeping Janey alive.