This Can't Be the End

“And thanks to you, for all the nightmares
There's not a night that I sleep quiet and complacent without my medication
'Cause there's this ringing in my head
As the ghost of you hangs over my bed

Thanks to you, I'm not myself
I'm all strung out, that much is clear
And I'll spend my whole life-time with your life-line wrapped around my throat
Thanks to you
All thanks to you” Alex’s voice sang out the lyrics he wrote about Jack. Within the past month he’s written many songs about Jack, considering he is all Alex thinks about.

The door burst open and Lisa hurried in, “Alex come on, we have to go,” she sounded panicked.

“What’s going on?” Alex asked, getting up and putting the guitar on the bed.

“I’ll tell you on the way; we have to go… now!” Lisa yelled, pulling him out the door. They got into the car and she sped off towards the highway.

“Will you tell me what the fuck is going on?” Alex asked, now panicking too.

“Flyzik called me, apparently Jack overheard something he wasn’t supposed to, got upset and sped off,” Lisa informed him. Alex’s breathing started to get heavier and pretty soon he was full on hyperventilating. If something were to happen to Jack again Alex didn’t know what he’d do. Lisa looked over at him, “shit.” She opened her center console and started rummaging through it blindly with one hand. Finally she seemed to grasp what she was looking for and threw it at her boyfriend, closing the console up and putting both hands on the wheel once again. Her phone then started ringing and while she was answering it Alex looked down at what she threw at him, still hyperventilating. It was his anxiety medication; he opened it and dry swallowed two pills.

“Well where is he heading?” Alex heard Lisa ask the person on the other line. “The beach?.... Okay… Well I’ll head there, just give me a call if there’s any changes… Okay… Bye.” She turned to Alex, “Better?”

Alex nodded. It then started to dawn on him exactly where they are going… to Jack. Alex remembered the look of pure betrayal and hurt Jack gave him the last time they saw each other. Alex couldn’t handle seeing that look again- he couldn’t handle Jack hating him. “Lis turn around,” Alex blurted out.

Lisa ignored him and kept driving to all the things Alex was running from. “Lisa please TURN AROUND!”

“No! You have to face Jack whether you’re ready or not. He’s hurting Alex and even if you don’t care about yourself enough to go see him, I know you care about him. He’s your best friend, your brother,” Alex cringed at the words, “and if you guys keep this up any longer something is going to happen to him… and you…”

Lisa turned onto the exit for the beach. Alex started to get nervous, but realizing Lisa, Rian, everybody was right, kept quiet. He needed to see Jack. He needed to tell him what he was unable to before because he thought it would ruin everything. If there was one thing Alex realized this past month without Jack was that not telling him was the thing that ruined everything. Alex’s whole world was turned upside down without Jack and he couldn’t handle that anymore.

Ten minutes later and a couple of phone calls between Lisa and who Alex guessed was Flyzik, they arrived at the beach. There were two cars parked where they were and Alex recognized both of them instantly: one was Jack’s and the other was Rian’s. They were both parked terribly- not even in parking spots; once Alex got out of the car he noticed that Jack’s car was still running. Lisa got out of the driver’s seat, went over to Jack’s car and shut it off for him.

Alex’s vision started to blur and his breathing started to get heavy again. He backed up away from both of the cars, desperate to put as much distance between him and the beach as possible; but before he could get away Lisa ran up to him and wrapped her arms around him. “It’s going to be alright Alex. You’re doing the right thing,” Lisa assured him. Five minutes passed and Alex was able to breathe again. “Ready to go?” Lisa asked and Alex nodded.

They walked onto the beach and Alex spotted three figures, all of them soaking wet. One was hunched over on the ground, on his hands and knees while the other two knelt beside him with their arms around him securely. As they got closer Alex saw that Jack was the one on the ground. Matt looked up at them, whispered something to Rian, then started jogging over to the couple.

“Hey,” Matt said.

“Flyzik why are you guys all wet?” Lisa asked, still holding Alex. Alex stopped paying attention to them, all he could pay attention to was Jack. Alex didn’t know whether he wanted to run away in shame or run to him and hold him.

Suddenly Alex felt a tug and then Lisa was pulling him towards his broken best friend. Alex’s heart jumped with each step they took closer to Jack, who still didn’t notice he was there. Once they got close enough Matt motioned for them to stop and nodded at Rian. Rian, still holding Jack, whispered something making Jack tense up for a second then try desperately to get out of Rian’s grasp. Alex’s heart sunk watching his best friend try so badly to get away from him. Tears formed in his eyes and Alex knew it was no use trying to hold them back so he let them stream down his face, not bothering to wipe them off.

Rian got a firm hold on Jack and yelled, “ENOUGH JACK ENOUGH!” Jack went limp in his grasp, breathing heavy.

Alex leaned over and whispered to Lisa, “I need to talk to him alone…”

Lisa nodded and grabbed Matt passing on what her boyfriend just told her. Flyzik looked unsure but went over to Rian anyway, but Rian shook his head. “You two go, I’m staying here.” Alex sighed, but knew it was no use trying to get Rian to leave.

“You sure you want me to go?” Lisa asked and Alex nodded. She smiled at him asurringly before walking toward the cars with Matt.

Once they were gone Alex looked at Rian, who nodded approvingly, letting Alex know it was okay to talk. Alex stepped closer and closer until he could almost touch Jack, then knelt down. Jack’s face was buried in Rian so he couldn’t see Alex, but his breathing became very heavy, telling Alex he knew he was there.

“Remember… when we were thirteen and we were sitting by the lake and I was complaining because I never kissed anybody before” Alex began, not knowing what else to say. All of a sudden the flash back hit him like a tidal wave.

“What’s the big deal it’s just a kiss?” Jack asked, tossing a rock into the lake.

“Every other guy in our grade has had their first kiss already and I’m the only loser who hasn’t yet!” Alex complained.

“I haven’t either, but I don’t think that makes us losers!” Jack told his best friend. Alex just fell back against the grass, groaning. “Well if it’s so important to you why don’t we just get it over with and kiss each other?” Jack asked casually.

Alex looked at him like he was crazy, “but Jack… you’re a boy!”

“So? What does it matter if I’m a boy? A kiss is a kiss, right?” He smiled, throwing another rock into the lake.

Alex thought about it for a moment before saying, “yeah… I guess you’re right… come here.” Alex sat up motioning for Jack to sit in front of him. Jack crawled over to Alex and sat in front of him. “So do we just like lean in…?” Alex asked.

“Uh, I guess so… I never did this before either,” Jack laughed. Jack’s laugh comforted Alex and he smiled.

“Okay… um…” Alex looked around anywhere other than at Jack. He was starting to get very nervous and Alex was thankful this was Jack and not some girl who would laugh at him and tell all her friends how much of a pussy he was. But no, this was Jack, the one person in the whole world who would never judge him or laugh at him or tell him he wasn’t good enough Alex assured himself.

Just then Alex felt pressure on his lips, shocked Alex widened his eyes and opened his mouth a little. Jack’s tongue pushed his way in as Jacks hands went to Alex’s head holding him there firmly. Alex relaxed into the kiss, closing his eyes and starting to feel Jack’s tongue with his. He put his arms around Jack’s neck and leaned back until he was lying with Jack on top on him, never breaking the kiss. Jack’s arms were on either side of Alex’s head, holding himself up. Alex never felt so secure and safe and happy.

Finally they both pulled away from lack of air and Jack smiled at Alex. “You sure you never did that before?” Alex asked. “Because you’re really good.”

Jack shrugged, “just felt natural with you that’s all.” Alex smiled at Jack and they stayed there looking at each other for a couple minutes until Jack sprung up suddenly, grabbed Alex’s feet and started dragging him to the water. Alex yelled and tried to get away, but Jack’s grip was strong. Alex didn’t give up, finally pulling his leg free, causing Jack to fall into the lake himself. Alex started laughing so hard, knowing nothing could ever get in between him and this wonderfully stupid boy that never failed to make Alex happy.

Jack looked at Alex then for the first time, and for the first time Alex saw how thin he got. He was skin and bones, his eyes were red and there were dark circles under them. He was soaking wet, shivering, tears filling his eyes. Alex wished they were thirteen again, without a care in the world but each other… not having to worry what people thought, or how they would react and Alex wished he just told Jack how he felt before life got in the way.