Status: Completed
Decided to Break It
Josh
“Oh. Eff.” I whispered to myself as I realized where I was. I scratched my head, looked at the mess and sighed. I knew I had to get out before everyone woke up and make my way home. I didn’t want to get bitched out like before. Yawning, I grabbed my shirt off the floor and my shoes and tiptoed around the group of sleeping people and made my way to the door. I pulled on my shirt and shoes and rushed down the block. It was a little after 5:30 in the morning and if I didn’t get home by 6 when my mom checked on me, I was toast. Toast. When’s the last time I ate something? I shook my head and grabbed at my phone in my stained jeans’ pocket and realized, all will be well… maybe.
I walked quickly down the 5 blocks home and ran around the house to the basement window. I’ve climbed in and out of this thing so much, that sliding through wasn’t hard anymore. In fact, I lost enough weight to slide easily and land on the pillow without making a sound. 5:55. I took my jeans off, unlocked my door, hopped in my bed, and sprawled out. I hadn’t slept in my own bed in 4 days (wasted every night, of course); I forgot how comfortable it was. After a minute, my light switch was turned on. “Joshua, baby. I’ve got coffee for you.” Right on time. “Mmmhhmm…” I moaned as I flipped over, pretending to be slowly waking up from sleep. Before I could pretend to rub my eyes, I heard her gasp. I swore she noticed but instead, she just started fussing. “Joshua! You left your window open all night!” I exhaled. “My bad, mom.” I wiped my face, tousled my hair and looked at her. “Okay, get ready.” She closed my window. “I’ve got some extra time so I’m making breakfast!” She winked at me and walked up the stairs, closing my door behind her.
I had an hour to get ready for school even though it only took me 20 minutes to actually get ready. I flipped over to catch 15 minutes of comfortable sleep when my phone vibrated. I huffed, reached into my jeans and looked at the message. “Dude, Amanda’s next to me. Not exactly sure how it happened last night but yo boy put it down!” I rolled my eyes at the text and instead of trying to catch some more sleep, I just hopped into the shower in my room. The water was blazing hot and even though it burned and hurt, it made me feel better. Of course Matt was with Amanda and of course they were dating. I remembered that now. That’s how I got the bruises on my legs. After they told me… just know that I had to do that to myself, okay? “Damn it!” I yelled and punched the back of the shower. I didn’t know what to do because everything was boiling down at once, leaving my insides steaming. I wanted to puke, but couldn’t. I wanted to tear my skin apart, but couldn’t… but couldn’t? I finished showering and I didn’t even bother drying off before I started rummaging through my medicine cabinets and drawers but couldn’t find anything. I slipped on my boxers and ran out into my room and started going through my dresser and still couldn’t find anything.
I slammed the last drawer shut and pulled my hair and screamed internally. Everything in my body hurt. My head started to hurt and I couldn’t breathe. I knew I needed my razor and I needed it now. Nothing else would fix this. It’s not like I could talk to a friend about this because Matt was my only “real” friend. And it’s not like I had a girlfriend because… I mean, Amanda was my girlfriend not even a week ago. I remembered my safety pins in my book bag and rushed over there. Quickly taking two out, I un-clipped them, pressed them to the side of my thigh and dragged them across. I bit my lip and sighed, feeling so much better. Thin lines of blood bubbled up and I smiled to myself. I did better this time; I only needed to do it once.
I put the pins back in my bag (always kept them there for school emergencies) and decided that I needed to leave a little earlier to stop by a store and grab some straight razors for the next time. I finished getting ready and rushed upstairs to see my mom, sister and dad sitting at the kitchen table. The sun was bright and my dad was talking about having to fix it… or something. I don’t know. Self-harming makes me high-ish sometimes. “Joshua!” My mom made me jump back a bit. See, they had to send me to therapy before because my “issue” had gotten to be too much. They saw one scratch on my arm that was actually from the cat but freaked out and sent me to one. So now, I’m always paranoid that they’re going to say something. “Come eat! We’ve got waffles and bagels and I was going to make eggs but your sister said you wouldn’t eat them. And I’ve got coffee, fruit, and juice.” She smiled at me and waved me over to them. My dad took a bite of his waffle. “Josh, this is the best. Oh, and are you gonna come to the studio today?” My dad took another bite and waited for a response. He’s a music producer for a few bands here in Canada and he’s pretty big. “Um… maybe. Might have practice later.” I reluctantly walked over to the table and didn’t want any breakfast at all.
I watched Sara slather cream cheese on her bagel and it made me wanna puke. I haven’t been eating lately and if I did, it wasn’t more than a couple hundred calories. As of now, I’d missed every meal for 4 days and no one noticed. I grabbed an apple and then put it back. Then a banana and again, put it back. I settled on an orange when Sara started talking about classes or something and I looked at the clock on the kitchen wall. “6:45? I gotta go!” I grabbed an orange and tried for the door. “You don’t leave for 15 minutes!” Sara yelled after me and I stopped. “Yeah, gotta stop at the store. Gotta grab something for Amanda.” “Aren’t you guys done?” My mom smacked my dad’s arm. “I mean… um…” “It’s okay, baby. Go get her back!” She winked at me and I scrunched up my face. “Yeah…” I quickly rushed out of the house and down the block towards my school. Walking away from the house was such a relief.
I walked quickly down the 5 blocks home and ran around the house to the basement window. I’ve climbed in and out of this thing so much, that sliding through wasn’t hard anymore. In fact, I lost enough weight to slide easily and land on the pillow without making a sound. 5:55. I took my jeans off, unlocked my door, hopped in my bed, and sprawled out. I hadn’t slept in my own bed in 4 days (wasted every night, of course); I forgot how comfortable it was. After a minute, my light switch was turned on. “Joshua, baby. I’ve got coffee for you.” Right on time. “Mmmhhmm…” I moaned as I flipped over, pretending to be slowly waking up from sleep. Before I could pretend to rub my eyes, I heard her gasp. I swore she noticed but instead, she just started fussing. “Joshua! You left your window open all night!” I exhaled. “My bad, mom.” I wiped my face, tousled my hair and looked at her. “Okay, get ready.” She closed my window. “I’ve got some extra time so I’m making breakfast!” She winked at me and walked up the stairs, closing my door behind her.
I had an hour to get ready for school even though it only took me 20 minutes to actually get ready. I flipped over to catch 15 minutes of comfortable sleep when my phone vibrated. I huffed, reached into my jeans and looked at the message. “Dude, Amanda’s next to me. Not exactly sure how it happened last night but yo boy put it down!” I rolled my eyes at the text and instead of trying to catch some more sleep, I just hopped into the shower in my room. The water was blazing hot and even though it burned and hurt, it made me feel better. Of course Matt was with Amanda and of course they were dating. I remembered that now. That’s how I got the bruises on my legs. After they told me… just know that I had to do that to myself, okay? “Damn it!” I yelled and punched the back of the shower. I didn’t know what to do because everything was boiling down at once, leaving my insides steaming. I wanted to puke, but couldn’t. I wanted to tear my skin apart, but couldn’t… but couldn’t? I finished showering and I didn’t even bother drying off before I started rummaging through my medicine cabinets and drawers but couldn’t find anything. I slipped on my boxers and ran out into my room and started going through my dresser and still couldn’t find anything.
I slammed the last drawer shut and pulled my hair and screamed internally. Everything in my body hurt. My head started to hurt and I couldn’t breathe. I knew I needed my razor and I needed it now. Nothing else would fix this. It’s not like I could talk to a friend about this because Matt was my only “real” friend. And it’s not like I had a girlfriend because… I mean, Amanda was my girlfriend not even a week ago. I remembered my safety pins in my book bag and rushed over there. Quickly taking two out, I un-clipped them, pressed them to the side of my thigh and dragged them across. I bit my lip and sighed, feeling so much better. Thin lines of blood bubbled up and I smiled to myself. I did better this time; I only needed to do it once.
I put the pins back in my bag (always kept them there for school emergencies) and decided that I needed to leave a little earlier to stop by a store and grab some straight razors for the next time. I finished getting ready and rushed upstairs to see my mom, sister and dad sitting at the kitchen table. The sun was bright and my dad was talking about having to fix it… or something. I don’t know. Self-harming makes me high-ish sometimes. “Joshua!” My mom made me jump back a bit. See, they had to send me to therapy before because my “issue” had gotten to be too much. They saw one scratch on my arm that was actually from the cat but freaked out and sent me to one. So now, I’m always paranoid that they’re going to say something. “Come eat! We’ve got waffles and bagels and I was going to make eggs but your sister said you wouldn’t eat them. And I’ve got coffee, fruit, and juice.” She smiled at me and waved me over to them. My dad took a bite of his waffle. “Josh, this is the best. Oh, and are you gonna come to the studio today?” My dad took another bite and waited for a response. He’s a music producer for a few bands here in Canada and he’s pretty big. “Um… maybe. Might have practice later.” I reluctantly walked over to the table and didn’t want any breakfast at all.
I watched Sara slather cream cheese on her bagel and it made me wanna puke. I haven’t been eating lately and if I did, it wasn’t more than a couple hundred calories. As of now, I’d missed every meal for 4 days and no one noticed. I grabbed an apple and then put it back. Then a banana and again, put it back. I settled on an orange when Sara started talking about classes or something and I looked at the clock on the kitchen wall. “6:45? I gotta go!” I grabbed an orange and tried for the door. “You don’t leave for 15 minutes!” Sara yelled after me and I stopped. “Yeah, gotta stop at the store. Gotta grab something for Amanda.” “Aren’t you guys done?” My mom smacked my dad’s arm. “I mean… um…” “It’s okay, baby. Go get her back!” She winked at me and I scrunched up my face. “Yeah…” I quickly rushed out of the house and down the block towards my school. Walking away from the house was such a relief.