Souvenirs From Dead Worlds

Later that night Sam noticed Kias rubbing at his chin uncomfortably and realised Kias had begun to get a little stubbly.

Kias was still young and his hair was fine and blond, so facial hair hadn't been a huge concern until now. With Kias’ personal hygiene having been the last thing on Sam’s mind since he brought Kias to his world, though, he'd started to look at little scruffy and neglected, and so Sam decided it was time to do something about it.

He took Kias into the bathroom and handed him a tube of hair removal gel. "Here. Put this on the hair you want to get rid of, count to a hundred slowly, and then wash it off. The hair will wash off with it and won't grow back again for another few months."

Kias nodded his understanding and took the tube, so Sam left him to it and went back into the main room to play a game on his tablet.

Things were quiet in the bathroom for a couple of minutes, followed by the sound of water being run into the sink. Sam was absorbed enough in his game that he thought nothing of the quiet sounds of Kias shuffling around that followed.

The quickly muffled sound of pain that came shortly after, however, did get his attention. When he reached the bathroom he found Kias with his pants down, clutching his genitals with a look of extreme discomfort on his face.

"You put it on your balls, didn't you?" Sam asked.

"I wasn't supposed to?" Kias asked, his voice strained.

"No," Sam said. "Come on, get your clothes off and get in the shower."

Sam only realised after he'd said it that such an instruction might be perceived as creepy, but Kias obeyed without hesitation or complaint. Sam turned the water on but let Kias wash the gel off himself. Hair came off with it.

"This is my fault really," Sam said after he turned the water off again. "I did notice you'd trimmed it when I saw you naked before, I just forgot."

Sam knelt down to study Kias' genitals. He must have gotten a good coverage of gel before the burning started, because there was no hair at all remaining. The skin looked red and sore, but there didn't appear to be any damage severe enough to require any kind of treatment.

"Well, you're going to be as hairless as a newborn for a while, but otherwise I think you'll be fine," Sam said. It wasn't until he looked up and met Kias' gaze that he realised he was kneeling in front of a naked guy and looking at his genitals.

Kias didn't look scared, though, or offended or angry. His brow was tightened slightly in discomfort, but hidden beneath it was a look of anticipation. When Sam glanced back down, he wasn't sure Kias' dick was quite as flaccid as it had been a moment ago. He quickly got to his feet.

"It should be okay, but if you notice any raw spots or breaks in the skin let me know," Sam said, already on his way out of the room. He didn't wait for Kias to answer before shutting the bathroom door behind himself.

Kias really was an unfair temptation. Sam could never make a move because it would be wrong, but it seemed he was destined to be constantly fighting against Kias' lure. And then to make matters worse he had to feel like the worst kind of asshole just for having dirty thoughts about Kias because Kias had been through hell and even looking at him like that was exploitative.

Sam lay face down on his bed, buried his face in his pillow, and groaned.

#

Strangely, Kias didn't seem nearly as bothered by what he'd done when he was drunk as Sam was. Sam severely doubted Kias simply didn't remember — he hadn't been that drunk. He just didn't seem to care. Then again, Sam was notoriously shit at actually figuring out a single thing that went through Kias' head, so perhaps he was making too many assumptions.

There had been a tension in Sam ever since Dr Austin had called and reminded him to take Kias to see one of the other compound doctors, and it had only grown once he'd told Kias. And Kias, damn him, had just agreed to go without question or fuss. He made it so easy for Sam to avoid talking about difficult topics. It may have made things easier for Sam at the time, but he didn't sleep well that night.

Sam was glad their appointment was first thing in the morning so that they could get it over with. He was up earlier than they had to be and Kias gave him a groggy glare, but relented when Sam made him pancakes.

"Are you ready to see the doctor?" Sam asked.

Kias shrugged, but didn't speak. His mouth was full of pancake.

"It won't be so bad," Sam said, though he wasn't sure that was true.

"Okay," Kias said after he swallowed his mouthful of food, but it was frustratingly difficult to tell if he actually believed Sam or if he was just saying okay because he always said okay. How was Sam supposed to take care of Kias when he didn't even know what Kias was thinking, what he was feeling?

Sam didn't push things, though. It wasn't like he could do anything to help Kias even if Kias was terrified. He was supposed to take care of Kias, but most of the time he just ended up feeling like a useless fuck up.

Sam couldn't think of anything else to say and didn't really feel like talking anyway, so they got ready and left their room more or less in silence. Though he wasn't sure, Sam thought he might be feeling even more nervous about what was about to happen than Kias was.

Sam had visited this doctor before, but only on the rare occasions he needed medical care at times that were not immediately following assignments. Sam didn't know this doctor as well as he did Dr Austin, and that worried him a little.

The doctor shook Sam's hand when he let them into the examination room, but Kias just stared at the doctor's outstretched hand for a moment when it was offered to him and then, after a helpless look in Sam's direction, took it and copied what Sam had done uncertainly.

The doctor laughed, though it was self deprecating rather than unkind. "I suppose I shouldn't be using culture based gestures with him."

"He has to learn somehow," Sam said to the doctor, and then to Kias, "Shaking hands is a kind of formal greeting. If someone offers you their hand like that, shake it."

Kias nodded and averted his gaze to the floor, mumbling an apology. The tiny bit of confidence he'd gained since arriving on Sam's world seemed to have vanished now that they were in the presence of the doctor.

The doctor looked as concerned by Kias' timidity as Sam was. "Let's take a look at his stomach first. Sam, would you mind getting him to sit on the examination table and take his shirt off so I can unwrap the bandage and take a look?"

Sam passed the instructions along to Kias, and Kias obeyed without objection or hesitation. He tensed up when the doctor touched him, but he didn't look like he was about to start panicking.

"It looks good," the doctor said after he'd taken a careful look at Kias' stomach. "I expect it's still a bit tender, but it's healed up nicely. You'll be able to stop bandaging it in another day or two."

Sam nodded, and then murmured a translation to Kias.

The doctor rebandaged Kias' stomach and then retrieved a hospital gown which he handed to Kias. He pointed to a screened area on the other side of the room. "Please change into the gown over there."

Sam translated, and Kias went over to the screened area to comply.

"Have you explained to him what's going to happen?" the doctor asked while Kias changed.

Sam shuffled guiltily. "Well... not in detail."

Which sounded stupid and mean when he said it out loud, but at the time it had felt kinder to keep the discussion of it brief. Perhaps that had been more to serve Sam's interests than Kias', though.

The doctor sighed. "Well, please tell him that I will need him to lie on his side facing the wall, and that I will then insert a small device no thicker than a finger into his rectum so that I can take a look and assess the amount of scar tissue and to ensure there's no major damage."

Kias emerged from behind the screen, looking nervous and vulnerable in the thin paper gown. He really didn't know what was about to happen, did he? And how could he? Sam hadn't told him.

Sam guided Kias gently with one hand on his arm. "You just need to lay down on here, and then the doctor just needs to stick this thing, this..." The doctor was applying lubricant to the long, thin medical instrument, so Sam pointed. "That. He needs to stick that inside you, and then he'll move it around a bit and then he can see your insides on here." Sam pointed to the monitor next to the bed. "It's like a television. And then he'll be done and you can get dressed and we can go home."

Kias just stared at Sam for a moment, and Sam doubted he'd understood half of that. "Okay," Kias said, and climbed onto the examination table. Sam guided him onto his side so that the doctor would have access.

The doctor lifted the back of the gown to expose Kias’ backside and moved to begin his examination. Then he paused. He shot Sam a baffled look.

It took Sam a moment to realise that the doctor must have noticed Kias’ tender, hairless testicles. “It was an accident.”

“How do you... accidentally...”

“It’s best not to ask,” Sam told him.

“Yes, probably.” After another moment of hesitation the doctor shook his head and resumed his examination.

Sam stayed close as the doctor got started and studied Kias' face for any signs he might start to panic. He certainly looked upset and a little frightened, but he didn't seem to be in any danger of losing control. Sam reached out a hand to stroke Kias hair, hoping to comfort him, but Kias reflexively flinched away. Sam quickly withdraw his hand. The rejection stung.

"It might be better if you don't touch him, Sam," the doctor said.

Sam nodded and muttered an apology, taking a step away from Kias. Clearly Kias found no reassurance in Sam's proximity. There were images on the monitor that moved when the doctor shifted the device inside Kias, but they were grey and blurry and meant nothing to Sam.

"Done," the doctor said as he withdrew the instrument. "He can get dressed now."

Kias seemed somewhat dazed as he went to put his clothes back on, and when Sam tried to reach out to comfort him he again flinched away. It seemed like the times Sam wanted to offer comfort the most, Kias least wanted to accept it.

Once Kias was dressed, the doctor sat them down to talk.

"It looks like there's been no serious damage, so that's very good," the doctor began. "As Doctor Austin indicated, there has been some minor scarring which may cause him some discomfort, and it's best we treat that. I'll give you some ointment and if he applies it twice daily for two weeks, the scarring should heal completely."

Sam translated that as best he could, but Kias was hugging himself and staring at the floor, and although he nodded Sam wasn't sure he was listening.

"Come on," Sam said after the doctor dismissed them. "Let's go home."

#

Kias felt angry and humiliated and betrayed, but he managed to keep it bottled up and hidden from Sam. It was ridiculous that Kias should feel so upset by such a little thing. It hadn't even hurt! It had been for his physical health, not for somebody else's pleasure. Well, maybe ultimately for Sam's pleasure, but even so. He oughtn't be so upset. Kias' eyes had been opened to just how much he'd come to expect kind treatment from Sam.

He'd do what he'd been told and use the ointment twice a day because he wanted to stay with Sam and that meant doing what Sam said, but he wasn't happy about it.

#

Kias had been moping all day, ever since his doctor's appointment, and Sam honestly couldn't blame him. Sam kept thinking about how he would have felt if he'd been in Kias' position, with a doctor probing his ass with some strange medical device while someone else looked on. Adding to that the fact that Kias had previously been raped, possibly many times... Sam felt very, very guilty.

It had been a necessary procedure in order to ensure no more severe damage had been done, Sam knew, but that didn't make him feel any less like he'd conspired in Kias' molestation. Sam made no comment when he tossed Kias the tube of ointment designed to heal the scarring later that night. He'd already told Kias how to use it, having translated directly from the doctor that morning.

Having a job that required constantly visiting other cultures ought to have made Sam more aware of how what was considered appropriate behaviour varied cross-culturally. Things, for instance, like appropriate levels of privacy sought when it came to doing intimate things. Sam should have been aware of this, and appreciated this, but instead, when he turned to see Kias applying the ointment while lying back on his bed, Sam's automatic react was to shout.

"Kias!" Sam felt bad as soon as Kias' wide, startled eyes landed on him. "Do that in the bathroom."

This was a nightmare, Sam thought as Kias awkwardly pulled up his pants and headed for the bathroom. Of course Kias hadn't expected privacy to be an issue. Sam had seen Kias naked three times now and had earlier that day watched him get something shoved up his ass. Why would Kias expect Sam to suddenly care about his privacy? Sam just wasn't cut out for this.

#

Kias lingered in the bathroom long after he'd finished applying the ointment, giving Sam a chance to calm down. Kias had been confused, for a moment, as to why Sam was so upset, until he had realised that he'd already gotten a bit of ointment smeared on the sheets and was likely to get even more on them if he continued doing what he was. Kias was used to having sheets so stained their original colour was impossible to determine. He would need to learn to treat the nice things Sam allowed him with more respect.

When Kias finally exited the bathroom Sam was asleep, lying on his back on top of the covers with his head lolled to the side. Kias knew so far he'd been nothing but trouble and disappointment to Sam, and he was beginning to wonder how long Sam would be willing to put up with it. What would happen when Kias finally annoyed him too much, and Sam realised he was more trouble than he was worth? Kias decided it was time to be proactive. Kias had two and a half years worth of experience in pleasing men, and it was well past time something he did pleased Sam.

Kias cautiously approached Sam's bed.

#

Sam canted his hips up, instinctively driving himself into the warm grip around his cock as his brain lazily worked to disentangle the remnants of a dissolving dream from reality. He wanted nothing more than to relax and let the clever fingers touching him work their magic, but there was something wrong with this situation, something Sam couldn't just ignore. He hadn't invited anyone into his bed. A cold flood of confusion ran through Sam’s body as he shoved the warm body nestled against his away.

There was a thump and a startled squeak of pain as the body hit the hard concrete floor. Sam squinted over the edge of the bed at Kias. What the fuck.

"What the fuck?" Sam said out loud, realising a moment later that he hadn't said it in Kias' language. When he spoke again, he made very sure Kias would understand him. "You do not touch people like that without asking. Do you understand?" The erection pressing against Sam's stomach made this conversation doubly awkward. "Never."

Kias nodded quickly and scooted back further away from Sam's bed, his eyes wide and muscles tense. He startled when Sam sat up on the bed, his hands bracing against the concrete floor in preparation to push himself to his feet so that he could flee. His eyes left Sam’s only long enough to dart around the room, desperately seeking an escape.

Sam slapped a hand over his face. He wasn't sure what Kias' game was, but he was fairly certain whatever Kias was up to wasn't malicious in nature. If Sam hadn't been humiliatingly hard he might have made an effort to talk about things, but he was, so instead he just sighed, shook his head, and picked a wide path around Kias’ to the bathroom. They'd have to have that particular awkward conversation later.

Sam groaned and pressed the heels of his his hands against his eyes as he tried to clear his head. Just when he thought he understood Kias, he woke up with Kias’ hand on his dick. He didn't even understand what was going through that crazy little shit's head anymore. Somehow, Sam was the one left feeling exploitative when he couldn't get his arousal to go away without jerking off.

Sam had no idea what to do about this new development. Should he go back to the housing administrator and insist she find them somewhere with separate rooms? Could Sam really trust Kias to keep his hands to himself while he slept? Fuck, they were going to have to actually talk about this, weren't they?

"We need to talk," Sam said as he exited the bathroom, and the look of fear on Kias' face immediately shook his resolve to be firm about this. But no, Sam couldn't let Kias' patheticness keep him from making sure this situation didn't repeat itself. Sam had to make himself very clear.

"Kias," Sam approached Kias' bed, where Kias was curled in a ball watching Sam anxiously, and tapped his knee against the corner of the mattress. "We need to discuss a little thing called 'consent.'"

"I'm sorry," Sam heard Kias murmur into his blanket.

Sam shook his head sadly and sat down on the edge of the mattress. He wished they could leave it at that. "It's not actually such a little thing. It's a really big thing. Touching someone without their permission is very bad, and can get you in a lot of trouble. Don't ever do that again."

"I'm sorry," Kias repeated, curling in on himself further. When he continued, his voice was quiet and shaky and Sam had to lean in to hear him. "You were angry with me and I thought if I could do something good... something you would like, for once. Maybe you wouldn't be angry anymore. But then you didn't like it and now you're even angrier and I don't know what to do to make you want me."

Sam wasn't sure if he ought to comfort Kias or back away while he still had the chance. Kias wanted Sam to be attracted to him? In theory that was good, but Sam doubted Kias’ reasons were as innocent and innocuous as anyone elses’ might have been. "You can't make someone want you, Kias."

"What will you do with me if you don't want me?" Kias asked, barely more than a whisper.

Sam was taken aback. "Nothing?" He studied Kias' face, but found no answers there. "The same thing I have been doing?"

Kias propped himself up slightly, his brow wrinkling with confusion. "Then what use will I be to you?"

Sam stared at Kias blankly for a few moments. "Wow. We really have not talked at all."

Kias just frowned at him, so Sam flopped back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.

"Did you know," Sam said, "that sometimes it's easier to leave an entire world to die than to abandon one boy?”

“Why did you take me?” Kias asked, his voice frail, barely above a whisper.

“I don’t know,” Sam said, rolling his head in a shake against the bed. “My job is only to observe and document. Your world’s not the first I’ve watched crumble, and it probably won’t be the last. I wasn't supposed to bring you back with me, but then everything was going to hell and there you were. It's so much harder to abandon someone when they're looking you in the eye and asking you for help, you know?"

"Are you in trouble for helping me?" Kias asked.

Sam chuckled. "Oh yeah. But don't worry, okay? That's my problem. Whatever happens, you'll be taken care of."

"But why?" Kias asked. "What do you want from me?"

The desperation and confusion in Kias' voice made Sam's heart ache. He should have explained all this to Kias from the beginning, not simply assumed Kias understood because he didn't ask questions.

"Nothing," Sam said. "I just want you to be happy and healthy and to be alive. You're not here to perform any kind of service to me."

"Oh," Kias said and the word was so weighted that Sam realised that yes, that had been exactly what Kias had thought. And if the hand on Sam's dick had been any indication of what kind of service he’d thought Sam wanted from him, well...

"Nobody's going to hurt you, okay?" Sam said gently. "Nobody's going to hurt you or use you ever again, and if anyone tries to I will personally punch them in the balls for you. And you know that thing about consent? That applies to anyone touching you against your will as well."

Kias stared down at the bedspread. "You really are just a nice guy, then."

Sam laughed at that, maybe a bit too hard. "Are you kidding? I've been a complete ass to you. Until a minute ago you thought I was keeping you around as some kind of sex slave, all because I couldn't get my act together enough to have a proper conversation with you. You call that nice?"

Kias glanced up. "You saved my life, fed me, clothed me, and you don't want anything in return. You're not perfect, Sam, but compared to the kind of guy I thought you were? You're really nice."

"If you say so." Seeing things from Kias' perspective made Sam feel a little better, but there had still been plenty of times when Sam had knowingly done the wrong thing in regards to Kias.

"I'm sorry I touched you without asking," Kias said. "Even if the assumptions I'd made had been correct, it would have been a stupid thing to do. But... if I can't do that for you, what can I do? What's my purpose?"

"I told you, you don't need a purpose."

Kias shook his head. He looked frustrated. "Everyone needs a purpose."

"Well, for now I suggest you simply be glad your purpose in life isn't sucking dick," Sam said, and in his head added anymore. "And also be glad we have ice cream in the freezer because I think we both really, really need it."

Getting up to get the ice cream gave Sam a moment to mull their situation over. Though he'd been dismissive of Kias' concerns regarding being useless, Sam was worried he might be out of a job soon enough as well. Even if he was allowed to return to his job, how could he? Kias couldn't be left alone for weeks or months at a time while Sam was off world, and he wouldn't gain that much independence any time soon. Sam was stuck.

But Kias was alive. He was alive and he could be happier and less afraid now that he knew he was safe. Sam hoped so, anyway. Sam snuck a glance over his shoulder at Kias who was still laying on his bed, and had to admit that Kias really didn't look any happier. In fact, he looked about as miserable as Sam felt.

Sam forced a grin in Kias' direction. "Man, we are a couple of moody bastards."

Kias' grimaced, pushing himself up to sit on his bed. "Things are a bit messy right now."

The changes to Kias' body language and tone were immediately apparent to Sam, prompting him to realise not just how anxious Kias had previously been, but also how submissively he'd been behaving. Kias still looked nervous, yes, but there was a casualness to it that there hadn't been before. Shy, perhaps, rather than fearful or docile. That, at least, was something worth celebrating.

"I guess. But at least now, I hope, things can start getting better." Sam finished scooping ice cream into the bowls. "You want nuts on yours?"

“Um, okay,” Kias agreed. He gnawed on his lip, his body tense, and Sam waited patiently as Kias worked himself up to revealing what was on his mind. “You’ve given me so much. I’ve been waiting, expecting you to claim your own payment eventually, but you’re not going to, are you?”

Sam turned his attention to sprinkling crushed hazelnuts on top of their ice cream. “No. That’s not how we do things here.”

“That’s good,” Kias said. “I’m glad your world is better than mine was, even if it means I have no place in it.”

Sam opened his mouth to argue, but what could he say? It was true. “We’ll figure things out. Don’t worry.”

Kias’ eyes met Sam’s, his gaze probing and intense, and Sam realised how seldom Kias’ had braved looking him in the eye. Kias glanced away and his shoulders slumped. “Okay.”