Cold Sweet Brutal Heart

I couldn't stop thinking of Matt's compliment about my hair... I would of never thought of him saying anything about me. Then again I never had an idea of him saying anything at all about me, I mean my hair was always messy, I always wore black, and my eyes were hidden behind black make up, what was there to compliment? But he said my hair looked good without my hoodie, I giggled to myself as I was petting Dark Knight.

"He is so cute... I mean if you would see him you would agree Dark Knight..."

I look at him as he appears to have his eyes closed and just purring, I smile big one more time and just look up at the ceiling as I lay back. I suddenly start to feel an itch on my left arm, I scratch over my sweater but start feeling pain now. I sit up and roll my sleeve to reveal the crusted up old wounds starting to heal. I forgot about those... they were bleeding again though... damn. I walk over to my bathroom and pull out the alcohol and alcohol wipes and start cleaning up my wounds. I clenched my teeth at the pinching pain I felt but never made a sound, I was too strong for that. I look down again at my cleaned wrapped up wounds... yes, their healed, how long must I do this though? The scars just remind me of horrible old times and memories, that's why people find me so weird and out of place. I go back and lay down with Dark Knight, as I fall asleep to his sweet purring.

I my hands inside my pockets again, hiding my hair under my hoodie as I walked myself to school, it was nice and cloudy, the perfect weather to just be alone. The icy breeze blew in my face as I kept fighting it off, my headphones in my ears listening to Breaking Benjamin-Forget It. I kept wondering if I was going to see Matt today.. probably not, I mean he was just being nice, everyone does that. If I was him I would of been nice too to a girl like myself... more like I would of been terrified at a girl like me. I walk down a corridor with only lockers on my right side, as I keep my gaze down, when suddenly I feel a pull from my hoodie, yanking my sweater off, revealing my bandaged arms and my body being pushed against the wall then pulled to the lockers, smashing against them 2 times. I let out a terrified weak scream, covering my face and head.

"Look Brent, it's the bitch again from the other day..."

I recognize that voice, the guy who smashed me into the lockers last time, my neck starts to hurt now as he pulls my hair, and I let out another cry.

"Let me go!!!" I yell, scared of anybody seeing my bandaged arms

"Look at the little fucking emo, her arms all cut.."

"Like a little itch she is!!!!"

They all laugh, as I hide my face not wanting them to see my tears which I hold back so desperately.
They suddenly rip my bandages off my arms, as I slip to the floor, my wounds still fresh and still hurting, they all start to smack my arms and my head around. I can't hold it in.

"C'mon little bitch, cry!!!"

"Yea we dare you!!!!"

"If you do you get it even more bad..!!!"

I resist. I wouldn't even do so if it meant I was going to get even a worser beating, it's nothing I've ever resisted anyways. One of them picks me up by my shirt and tries to rip it off of me, no! Damn it, they can't go that far!!! I push one of them off and try to break free from the rest of the 2, but one of them, I am thinking Brent, grabs me by my neck and slaps me in my face very roughly, and holds my gaze with his, my eyes this time watering up.

"You don't get away from us, awright? You will be our good little bitch and stay put..." he shakes me roughly, as I let out a whimper ".. got it?"

I nod, that's all I can do for now, I nod so quickly that I was scared I was gonna get slapped again.

"Brent, let's go I hear someone coming!"

Brent looks down the corridor, which their was a corner at the end of the corridor, he then let's me go quickly fixes his clothes up, and the other 2 just toss me my sweater, as Brent slaps my head on the side hard, and runs with the other 2 chuckling. The bell then rings, and before all the kids run through the corridor, I quickly slip in my sweater and yank my hoodie over my head looking down as I ran to the nearest bathroom. Time for my daily dose of medication.

~Later that day~

My head was banging very bad with a headache, I was taking aspirins hour after hour, overdosing on them, until I finally stopped and by the end of the day I ended up cutting myself for the 20th time. I did 10 cuts at school, and 10 more on my walk home.... my arms were hurting very badly, and my eyes were stained with black tear stains. But to be very honest it felt very good to keep my mind off everything that was happening today. On top of that my mom decided to yell at me because she got a call from the school that I skipped my classes again.

"What the hell is the matter with you?!"

I stay silent...

"Ellie what are you thinking? What, you think you can just do what you want and get past life with that stupid attitude of yours?!"

She throws her arms up which makes me flinch... I hate when she makes me flinch..

"You're always giving me problems, your just like-"

"Like what? Like Richard?!!!" I yell at her

"Don't you DARE talk to me like that!!!!" she get's up, pointing a finger at me".. your worse!!! I would have thought you were different!!!! Not end up like a screw up!!!!"

I know I am a screw up, you don't have to remind me everyday.

"Why can't you be like Karina, or look how about Sarah, she is having a good scholarship with her good grades and getting into the office administrating business..."

"Maybe because if I would kiss ass as much as she does I would get into all that.." I roll my eyes

"What?"

"Nothing...." I look away

"And why do you always wear black? You are always wearing black!!! Did you know wearing black signifies that you are diabolic!"

"What?! No it doesn't!!! Who the hell told you that?!"

"Everybody that wears a lot of black are signified as that, and they all are the same!!!"

"Omg... hah you are too much.." I shake my head and start to walk away

She then grabs my right forearm, and I flinch of the pain of my wounds, since my bandages were ripped off, I turn around and push her hand away from me and look at her like a rabid dog ready to attack. She looks surprised as if I was ready to swing.

"What's wrong with you?! I can't even talk to you or touch you!!!"

I stare at her deeply then walk to my room and close the door behind me.

"DON'T YOU DARE WALK AWAY FROM ME!!!! ELLIE!!!! OPEN YOUR DOOR!!! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO CLOSE IT!!!! OPEN IT!!!!!" she bangs on my door, almost breaking it

I just stand in front of my mirror numb.... staring at myself...... my face looks very very worn out, my eyes are a bit red and slouchy, and as I let my sweater almost slide off, my mom breaks in.

"Ellie, why?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?!?!?!"

She rants and screams for a while( like an hour) and finally it's about 12 midnight.... and I do what I always do after every argument.

"I am sorry, I have just been very frustrated lately at school.... I am sorry I have made you feel stressed too..... I promise I'll do better..."

"Ellie.... you know I want the best for you..." she touches my face with her hand and looks at me with fake pleading eyes".. let me help you honey, here let me make you a very good tea so you won't be so stressed and so out of control, and your emotions won't burst so much.."

She runs to the kitchen... she does this everytime... everytime, I am like her guinea pig that tries every damn medicinal thing she is ever found. After drinking whatever she gave me and she get's out of my room.... my eyes fill up with tears, but I make no sound... my lip quivers.... but I am silent..... my watery eyes look in the mirror..... and I see me............ an ugly me. My sweater finally slips off, and my arms are filled horrifically with cuts, some crossing each other, others just in straight parallel lines. My tears have slipped..... and I fall on the ground slumped. I made no sound. That's how it was. I have learned well to hide this. My shower was not so pleasant as my tears this time blended with the water, making me cry more silently. I wonder how long I'll be able to go with this........ I wonder....