Cold Sweet Brutal Heart
Chapter 8
I woke up by the vibration of my phone, as I look over and see it's 6:30 in the morning, grabbing my phone I click the unlock button and look into my messages... it's my boyfriend. He just txts me a hi babe and that's it... I am starting to feel that he is getting tired of me. I text him back and realize it's Friday, we had a date today, I text him again and ask him what day it is today with a smiley face. It takes him a while to text back. A very long while....... too long. I then see it is 7:25 a.m..... he went home and fell asleep..... I sigh and lay back down. I stare at the ceiling as I plug my headphones in my phone and the other L and R in my ears, listening to Doves-Kingdom of Rust. My eyes tear up, and I sniff as I quickly blink multiple times to not let the tears fall out. Damn it... what's going on with me? Why am I feeling like this? Suddenly I feel the pain on the left side, sort of in the middle of my chest.... that feeling.... I wonder if it's a bad health thing? It's been going on for a while every single time I feel resentment or I just can't take emotional pain anymore.
I get up once again, like every other day and grab whatever I can find not worrying if it looked good or not. This time it was a Where's Waldo shirt with denim boot cut jeans and some ripped up vans I never decided to throw out, my hair was straightened out from 2 days before, and I grab my grey sweater, as I pick up my backpack on my way out.
"Ellie come eat something..."
"No I already ate.." I walk past the kitchen where my mom was cooking
"When?"
"When you were asleep, I gotta go..." I run out the door
"Ellie!"
The morning was cold as always, my hands being pale and not my normal skin tone color, I put them up my lip to blow on them warmly, my hoodie over my head. I then notice Matt walking with his little group of friends, my eyes meet his, and I hold back a wave, and just smile slightly at him, but he just looks away and keeps laughing with his friends, walking to the building of classrooms. Maybe he was embarrassed of saying hi to me, or smiling at me.... I don't blame him... but it did hurt to be ignored... again. As always..... I look down, as my ears catch Amy Lee's voice in the song Lithium. It was nothing new to me to be ignored by the world or those who made me feel like maybe I was accepted to be one of them.... but it did hurt just a little bit. I accepted the fact of it in my mind, but in my heart I was fighting the urge to cry about the acceptance. I turn my head and notice a group of girls giggling and one of them happen to be having their boyfriend there in the crowd. They all dressed up the scene, if I was to say labels I'd say they all looked gothy and emo but in a cute way. Very slim, but also tiny. Even the weird ones happen to have friends around here... am I that different? I can't be accepted in any group, or be friends with anyone. It's been almost 3 weeks and I am just a big nobody! I rub my hands together swiftly to keep them warm, the bell rings... time for the torture to begin.
I was lucky enough to block out every teacher's lecture throughout the day. Listening to Green Day Macy's Day Parade, made me not want to listen to the teacher at all in 4rth period class, which I remembered we had a test that day and I happened to pop with an F on it. Lunch finally came around, and I skipped the lunch area and went to where the trees and running track was at. I sat there..... the wind blowing through my face and making my hoodie fall off of my head. I felt so down, so depressed.... I wanted to feel the pain that this blade in my backpack would always give me. I can't do it out here though, their wasn't so many people out and they didn't pay any attention that I was there... but still. I let my hand slip inside my backpack and feel it at the bottom, I smirk. I caress it ever so slightly and loving. I then take out my hand and leave the blade there but raise up my sleeves just a bit to see the cuts done from like 2 nights before. They're still a little red and swollen.... they don't look so good... but they don't look infected either. Suddenly at the corner of my eye I notice a figure coming at me, I quickly look up, my hand already grabbing my backpack as if I was to get up and run. It's Matt.
"Whoa.." he stops at his steps and just slightly in a defensive way puts his hands up ".. going somewhere?"
I was afraid you were someone else....
"N-no..." I relax my shoulders and my hands, as I let go of my backpack
"Ok... you sure?" he raises an eyebrow
"Yea..." I mumble
"K... mind if I sit with you?"
I wanted to say no, but.... I never say no... doesn't matter who it is or how bad I just want anyone to leave me alone. I just look at him with a blank face.
"Mmm.."
"Is that a yes?"
"I guess..." I mumble again
"Look if you don't want to just tell me..."
"You can if you want to, it's not like I own any part of this side of the school.." I say with a bit of a tone in my voice
"Ok, ok, I was just asking, don't kill me..." he then sits next to me
You know who I would love to kill?
"So I saw you this morning..." he crosses his legs, rocking back and forth slightly
"Did you..." I say uncaringly
"Yea..."
"Mmm..."
"I didn't realize it was you until I looked back again, you had a different expression which made me not notice if it was you or not..."
Right...... that's a good one though, I don't think I have heard of that one yet. Touche.
"That's ok, I was looking down so maybe that's why you didn't notice it was me.." I shrug uncaringly again
We stay quiet for a bit. The awkward silence actually felt nice for a bit...
"Are you ok?"
I sit still, and don't turn my head to his direction, but my eyes scroll to the side and water just a bit, that pain making it's way up my chest again. Why did you have to ask that?! I sigh unnoticeably.
"Yea I am ok..." I nod looking out into the horizon
"You sure?"
Stop asking!!!!!
"Yea..." I nod again
"You don't look too good... that's why I am asking..."
"Oh, just tired, haven't had sleep lately.."
"Insomnia?"
"Yea, been dealing with that since I could remember..."
"Oh that sucks, me too..."
I got him to think it was that, which I was proud about, but I would of wished I would of been normal enough to talk to him about what was going on with me. Finally I grab my backpack and tell him that I had to go to the bathroom before the bell rang in a couple of minutes. We both waved by without eye contact and left our ways, I ran to the bathroom and shut myself in one of the stalls. I stood there, and pump my earphones in listening to Escape the Fate-Not Good Enough. Typically teenage song to listen to while majorly depressed.... I hate it! I then hit the sides of the stalls as hard as I can, banging my arms around and then hitting my head multiple times around the stall walls as well, wanting to scream and yell. I then stop as I hear the bell ring, and catch my breathe heavily wheezing. I hate this. I hate this life. I hate you.
I get up once again, like every other day and grab whatever I can find not worrying if it looked good or not. This time it was a Where's Waldo shirt with denim boot cut jeans and some ripped up vans I never decided to throw out, my hair was straightened out from 2 days before, and I grab my grey sweater, as I pick up my backpack on my way out.
"Ellie come eat something..."
"No I already ate.." I walk past the kitchen where my mom was cooking
"When?"
"When you were asleep, I gotta go..." I run out the door
"Ellie!"
The morning was cold as always, my hands being pale and not my normal skin tone color, I put them up my lip to blow on them warmly, my hoodie over my head. I then notice Matt walking with his little group of friends, my eyes meet his, and I hold back a wave, and just smile slightly at him, but he just looks away and keeps laughing with his friends, walking to the building of classrooms. Maybe he was embarrassed of saying hi to me, or smiling at me.... I don't blame him... but it did hurt to be ignored... again. As always..... I look down, as my ears catch Amy Lee's voice in the song Lithium. It was nothing new to me to be ignored by the world or those who made me feel like maybe I was accepted to be one of them.... but it did hurt just a little bit. I accepted the fact of it in my mind, but in my heart I was fighting the urge to cry about the acceptance. I turn my head and notice a group of girls giggling and one of them happen to be having their boyfriend there in the crowd. They all dressed up the scene, if I was to say labels I'd say they all looked gothy and emo but in a cute way. Very slim, but also tiny. Even the weird ones happen to have friends around here... am I that different? I can't be accepted in any group, or be friends with anyone. It's been almost 3 weeks and I am just a big nobody! I rub my hands together swiftly to keep them warm, the bell rings... time for the torture to begin.
I was lucky enough to block out every teacher's lecture throughout the day. Listening to Green Day Macy's Day Parade, made me not want to listen to the teacher at all in 4rth period class, which I remembered we had a test that day and I happened to pop with an F on it. Lunch finally came around, and I skipped the lunch area and went to where the trees and running track was at. I sat there..... the wind blowing through my face and making my hoodie fall off of my head. I felt so down, so depressed.... I wanted to feel the pain that this blade in my backpack would always give me. I can't do it out here though, their wasn't so many people out and they didn't pay any attention that I was there... but still. I let my hand slip inside my backpack and feel it at the bottom, I smirk. I caress it ever so slightly and loving. I then take out my hand and leave the blade there but raise up my sleeves just a bit to see the cuts done from like 2 nights before. They're still a little red and swollen.... they don't look so good... but they don't look infected either. Suddenly at the corner of my eye I notice a figure coming at me, I quickly look up, my hand already grabbing my backpack as if I was to get up and run. It's Matt.
"Whoa.." he stops at his steps and just slightly in a defensive way puts his hands up ".. going somewhere?"
I was afraid you were someone else....
"N-no..." I relax my shoulders and my hands, as I let go of my backpack
"Ok... you sure?" he raises an eyebrow
"Yea..." I mumble
"K... mind if I sit with you?"
I wanted to say no, but.... I never say no... doesn't matter who it is or how bad I just want anyone to leave me alone. I just look at him with a blank face.
"Mmm.."
"Is that a yes?"
"I guess..." I mumble again
"Look if you don't want to just tell me..."
"You can if you want to, it's not like I own any part of this side of the school.." I say with a bit of a tone in my voice
"Ok, ok, I was just asking, don't kill me..." he then sits next to me
You know who I would love to kill?
"So I saw you this morning..." he crosses his legs, rocking back and forth slightly
"Did you..." I say uncaringly
"Yea..."
"Mmm..."
"I didn't realize it was you until I looked back again, you had a different expression which made me not notice if it was you or not..."
Right...... that's a good one though, I don't think I have heard of that one yet. Touche.
"That's ok, I was looking down so maybe that's why you didn't notice it was me.." I shrug uncaringly again
We stay quiet for a bit. The awkward silence actually felt nice for a bit...
"Are you ok?"
I sit still, and don't turn my head to his direction, but my eyes scroll to the side and water just a bit, that pain making it's way up my chest again. Why did you have to ask that?! I sigh unnoticeably.
"Yea I am ok..." I nod looking out into the horizon
"You sure?"
Stop asking!!!!!
"Yea..." I nod again
"You don't look too good... that's why I am asking..."
"Oh, just tired, haven't had sleep lately.."
"Insomnia?"
"Yea, been dealing with that since I could remember..."
"Oh that sucks, me too..."
I got him to think it was that, which I was proud about, but I would of wished I would of been normal enough to talk to him about what was going on with me. Finally I grab my backpack and tell him that I had to go to the bathroom before the bell rang in a couple of minutes. We both waved by without eye contact and left our ways, I ran to the bathroom and shut myself in one of the stalls. I stood there, and pump my earphones in listening to Escape the Fate-Not Good Enough. Typically teenage song to listen to while majorly depressed.... I hate it! I then hit the sides of the stalls as hard as I can, banging my arms around and then hitting my head multiple times around the stall walls as well, wanting to scream and yell. I then stop as I hear the bell ring, and catch my breathe heavily wheezing. I hate this. I hate this life. I hate you.