A Failure on My Behalf

I stood there with Frehley and we watched Leah and her dumb fucks of parents drive away. Leah sat in the back seat, waving sadly at Frehley with an overly melodramatic frown. HeR parents just gave us both a sneer look. Yeah, they suck. Whatever.

I waited for them to completely disappear before setting Frehley down in the wagon. I handed her my bag so she could just get any of the things she wanted out of there to play with. I reminded her to keep everything in the wagon and that if any of it falls out, ‘mysteriously’ so will she.

Nothing like the threat of death to keep her in line.

Gah. I don’t know where I’m going to put the bag…oh wait. Book bag. It’s got straps. That were ripping at the seams. Lovely. I sucked it up and put it on.

I made sure that the thick rope was tied securely around the handle of the wagon. I didn’t want to lose her so fast. I warned her to not fall out again before stepping on my board and skating off. Since I had her, I had to go slowly, not as fast as I would’ve like too, so that also slowed us down.

“Hey, what time is it?”

She stopped singing to herself and started mumbling. The sound of rustling and then “2:47.” Okay, so Adam shouldn’t still be at my house. Since today is Thursday, my mom gets home around five. My dad will be home at seven-ish.

“Awesome. Thank you.”

I could hear the smile in her voice. “You’re welcome, Daddy!” Ahh. Alright. I love it when she calls me ‘Daddy.’ It’s so nice. She’ll probably never call me that again unless when she wants something. Then again, she does that now.

I’m so screwed.

I’m sorry I’m so negative. I’m just preparing myself for when she hates me.

Seriously, sorry.

But then she proved that your heart can break just like that. “Daddy, I’m hungry. Can we get McDonald’s, Daddy?” Ugh. I hate you. See. She knows that kills me. We were about a couple block-lengths away from there. Not that long. I just had to remain strong until we passed it.

Maybe I could distract her.

Heh. Yeah, right.

I looked back to check and make sure there wasn’t any cars coming. Then ahead. Okay. We’re good. I began crossing. “Oh, I don’t know, honey. Mommy said no.”

She just said all sad-like, “Oh.” But then – an evil plan formulated in her little mind. She said, “But, Daddy, I thought you were the man.” AND I WAS. I ain’t losing my title to some lady who isn’t even here right now to make me.

So we did go to McDonald’s. She got an Oreo McFlurry and a large fry. Well…it’s not all for her.
I did the whole safety procedure again and then finally made our way home. It took about thirty minutes and we got there at around almost four. WOO.

We went through the back yard. The wheels of the wagon kept getting caught on raised rocks on the walkway and every time I jerked it free, Frehley would giggle and go, “Again, again!” But we all know a walkway is only so long, so eventually the fun had to end and she got all sad. But then I reminded her she had McDonald’s and she got happy again.

Alright. Yeah, I can do this. Just feed her every time she gets sad.

She’ll be morbidly obese by the time she five.

But she’ll be happy.

And then she’ll get to school and everyone will make fun of her. And then I’ll have to keep feeding her so she’ll be happy and then SHE’LL DIE FROM A HEART ATTACK AT AGE TEN AND OH GOD I CAN’T DO THIS. I’M DOOMING HER FOR LIFE.

She’s better off on the streets! oh god.

No. Stop it.

I took a deep breath, letting her run into the house first. She went right for the living room. TV. I continued to my room, setting the stuff down on my bed. I went back into the living room to see her sitting happily on the couch watching South Park. God, she’s going to be so cool.

“Daddy!” she yelled, shoving a fry into her mouth. “They killed Kenny!” I plopped down on the couch next to her, taking a few fries out of the bag.

“Pfft! Good riddance.”

She gasped, hitting me weakly on the leg. “Daddy, that’s bad. No ‘good riddance.’”

I stopped from laughing at her and Kanye shrugged. “I’m just saying. He’s always doing that, dying in every episode. Can we skip to the one when he actually dies?”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “That’s very bad.” She took my hand and ‘slapped’ it. “Bad, bad, bad.” Oh my god. Do you see this cutie?

“Alright.”

You know her first word was a cuss word? Yeah, well, first it was ‘Da-Da,’ but then cuss word. She lost her Cinderella play phone. She went to see if it was under the couch and hit her head on the coffee table, and she went, ‘Fuck! Ouchie! Da-Da, ouchie!”

I only said it around her, like, three times. She learns fast. She knows ‘ouchie’ because she gets hurt a lot and I’m always like, “Oh, do you have a boo-boo? Ahh, ouchie.”

And she’ll be like, “Ouchie?”

And I’m like, “Yeah, ouchie. It made you go ‘Ouchie!’”

And she’s like “Yeah, ouchie.”

….that sounds weird now….but is it even a real word? Does it even count?

Oh, well. I hugged her remembering. Ah. That was a good day. We really bonded over her injury.

There ended up being a South Park marathon so we watched that until the front door opened at 5:25, and my mother walked in. The second she spotted Frehley sitting next to me on the couch, she got that excessively excited behavior going and started hugging Frehley like it was the first time she’s seen a child. But I don’t blame her. Frehley is pretty special.

I should probably tell her that Frehley might be here a lot longer than a few days, but I don’t really want to tell her and then her flip out because she will. But sometimes she can be understanding. I waited until she was done harassing her.

“Hey, Mom?”

She stopped seconds before walking into the kitchen. “Yeah?”

“I think Frehley might be here a lot longer than a few days.”

“What do you mean?” she asked, walking back over here, sitting on the couch. “Since it’s the summer she’s gonna let you keep her a while longer?”

“Uh…yeah, kinda.”

“Well, what do you mean, ‘kinda’? Blake, what’s going on?” Ugh. I hate it when she gets that serious tone in her voice. It just makes me really uncomfortable. I don’t know why. She even got the serious look on her face.

I shrugged, trying not to look at her, but she kept getting in my gaze. “Just that…she might be here…for a long time.”

She started getting serious-er. “Why? Did something happen to Leah? Is she okay?”

Frehley grabbed my phone out of my hand and just started clicking stuff. “Mama’s fine,” she said in her little girl voice, making my mom stopped all the seriousness and smile at her. But only for a second, then she looked back up at me.

“Seriously, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, Leah’s fine. It’s just…her parents.”

“Well, what about ‘em? Are they okay?” God. Someone always has to be hurt with her. Things can’t just happen. I sighed for what seemed like the thousandth time today.

“Mom, Leah’s fine, her parents are fine – and before you ask, Frehley’s fine. It’s just…” I cupped my hands over Frehley’s ears. She didn’t really acknowledge that I did and just continued playing with my phone. I whispered, “They don’t want her anymore.”

My mom looked at me, appalled. “What – ‘they don’t want her anymore’? How can they just stop wanting her? What does this mean?”

“It means…” I guess I can take my hands of her head. She really didn’t want me to keep them there.

“Daddy, stop it.” She started moving her head side to side.

“Right, sorry – when I went to get her, Leah told me…that and she said her parents said they can’t ‘afford her financially,’ and she’s just too much for them right now. And Leah’s always giving her all her attention, so she’s really becoming a distraction. She says this is for the best right now. She gave me a bag full of some of Frehley’s clothes and she told me to think about it.”

She didn’t really respond at first. She just sat there, thinking probably. “Wow. Well, what are you going to do?”

Again, I shrugged. “I don’t know. Like, I would love to have her here, but it all depended on what you and dad thought.”

She nodded. “Well, you know I love Frehley very much and I would love having her here with us all the time, but I don’t think we can afford her either – we can barely afford you. And I don’t think your dad really wants another kid here. They’re a lot of work. You realize that, right? You’ve only had her for three days at most. Are you prepared to take care of her for sixteen more years?”

Holy – that’s a lot of years. I’ve only been alive about three more years than that. (I’m almost twenty.)

“Well – Frehley, stop.” She had gotten a marker out of my bag and decided to start writing on my face. There better have been a cap on that. She stopped. I looked down to see the cap was either back on or had always been on. “Thank you – is there marker on my face?” I asked anyone who would answer me.

My mom shook her head. “You’re fine.”

“Thanks. Well, I’m sure once Leah’s older, we’ll, like, reunite and then I won’t have to do this all on my own.”

“Oh, honey,” she said, *pity chuckle*.“Are you sure you’ll still feel the same by then? How are you so sure you’ll even want to be with her then?”

Uh…

“What…what do you mean? Are you asking if I’m sure I’ll still have some love for the mother of my child in some-odd years? Enough to raise our kid together? Yeah,” I started nodding slowly for her, “I’m pretty sure I will. Feelings shouldn’t just go away like that.”

“That doesn’t mean they won’t.”

I raised my brows at her. Look at her, thinking she’ll know how I’ll feel later on in life. Cute. I crossed my arms. “They shouldn’t. You don’t know how I feel now or will. Whatever happens happens. If it’s not the same, then we’ll figure something out. This is just until she’s done with college.”

Her eyes widened. “College! You need to start getting ready for college. Where do you want to go? What are you going to major in? For how long? To what extent? Have you even given this any thought?”

“Honestly?” I asked, trying not to claw my eyes out. “Not at all.”

She started making all these weird noises. And I think we got her off track. “Wha – why not. Do you not want to succeed in life at all? Do you plan on becoming a hobo (Hobo: I already don’t like this.) with no education whatsoever, just sitting on the side of the street, selling our own blood in order to bring in your next meal? Do you intend on having Frehley sitting beside you through all of this, because that might just be how it is.”

Really off track, but then she gasped again.

“You can’t keep her either.”
I sighed, rolling my eyes. “And why not?”

“Because! A reason Leah can’t keep her is because of college. You’re going too. You can’t keep take care of a kid in the wild dorms of college.” lol what. “And plus, you know how much college costs? Even one year is $5,000! Depending on where you go. You were thinking Edison, right? Wait, you said ‘OU’ at one point -”

I pushed out a short chuckle, stuck at one part. “’The wild dorms of college’? Uhm…what?” She sighed loudly, throwing her hand into the air, then back against her forehead.

“Oh, good. There’s still hope for you. Your innocence might be what saves you.” No. I’ve just never heard of it referred to as that.

“…totally. Anyway,”

“Have you guys ate dinner yet?”

I nodded, holding up the now empty bag of McDonald’s. “Mickey-D’s.”

“And…who paid for this?”

I pointed to myself. “This guy. Oh, stop with the face – it was McDonald’s. Only a couple bucks. Chill.”

“Well, I’m just saying. You need to stop wasting your money on silly things and start saving for college.”

Oh
my
god

“Good lord. It was for food, survival.” So, I just now decided I’m done with her and got up. I poked Frehley’s sides, making her raise her arms. I grabbed her hands, lifting her up. “Come on, Frehley. Grandma is getting on my nerves and I really don’t want you to see me put her head through a wall.”

“Okay.” She wrapped her legs around me so I ended up carrying her. I grabbed all the things Frehley would probably end up wanting to play with and ignored my mom as she sat there saying words I blocked out and turned to my room, heading for it.

I shut the door behind us, setting her down on the bed. I would’ve moved the stuff that was on it off, but she was already doing that. She shoved it all off. I would’ve done it more orderly, but whatever.

“Daddy, can I play with your phone again?”

“Oh, totally.” I took it back out of my pocket and gave it to her. It was completely charged earlier. She’s been on it non-stop for about an hour and it was now at 62%. I grabbed my charger off the ground and plugged it back into the wall. My mom probably unplugged it. Her way of saving electricity.

Frehley was nice enough to let me hold the phone while I put it on the charger. I gave it back to her and laid next to her. I flipped on the TV and we continued our South Park marathon.

Yeah. I could get used to doing this – minus the whole controlling mom thing. That was annoying.

-

Oh god. When’s Frehley gets older – she’s not a guy. Things are going to be very different. SHE’S GONNA GROW TITS and I’m going to haVE TO BUY HER A BRA. Oh, god that’s going to be weird. AND THEN SHE’S GOING TO GET HER PERIOD. Man, I don’t want to deal with this. It’s going to be so awkward.

like

Her: Dad, I’m bleeding out of my vagina.
Me: WHAT? DO WE NEED TO GET YOU TO A HOSPITAL? YOU SHOULD’NT BE BLEEDING LIKE THAT.
Her: No…Dad…it’s fine. It’s just a thing that happens because I am now a woman.
Me:…………WHO DID YOU FUCK?

And it would be weird. She’ll hate me after that because I’ll embarrass her so much. And she’ll be all moody. Hopefully not as bad as Leah, because I had to avoid her; everything I said was wrong. I didn’t even get to deal with her when she was pregnant. Three weeks into it, her parents stowed her away.

Okay. Whatever. I need to stop flipping. I have an older sister; I was there when she told mom. My mom got really weird on her. She was just like, ‘YAY YAY OH THANK THE LORD YOU ARE A GIRL’ and it was odd.

When Frehley tells me, I just won’t handle it like my mom did. I’ll just be calm about it.

Or I have hopefully handed her back to Leah by then and I won’t have to deal with it at all.

Let’s hope.

And she is never having sex, by the way. I’m keeping her locked up in the house like Rapunzel. She already thinks she’s a princess.

Anyway, so – oh yeah, older sister is at college right now. She’s about two years older than me.

So, right, okay. Frehley and I are at the skate park right now; it’s the next day - Friday. I bought her a little skateboard, too, a while ago, so it’s not just me who’s getting fun out of this. She’s sitting over on some concrete, pushing herself around. I’m a safe number of feet away from her trying to land a tre while doing a fakie and I just can’t do it, man. It sucks because I can do a tre on a switch which is a lot like a fakie; your foot’s just in a different place.

Though, fakies in general just feel super awk.

But still.

Every time I’m just milliseconds away from landing it, I fuck it up. And when I fuck it up, I get pissed. And when I get pissed, all hell breaks loose and I don’t want to do anything anymore. And when all hell breaks loose and I don’t want to do anything anymore, I fake my own death. And when I fake my own death, I dye my eyebrows. And when I dye my own eyebrows, I attend my own funeral as a guy named Phil Chifley.

Don’t attend your own funeral as a guy named Phil Chifley.

Get rid of cable.

hahahahhahah. Man, I’m funny.

“Oh my God, Frehley, you just missed out. I just said something hilarious in my head.”

“What’d you say, Daddy?”

“I was trying to land a tre on a fakie, and I was just thinking, ‘I don’t see how I can land a tre on a switch and not a fakie.’ and then I was like, ‘Every time I’m just milliseconds away from landing it, I mess up. And when I mess up, I get pissed. And when I get pissed, all hell breaks loose and I don’t want to do anything anymore. And when all hell breaks loose and I don’t want to do anything anymore, I fake my own death. And when I fake my own death, I dye my eyebrows. And when I dye my own eyebrows, I attend my own funeral as a guy named Phil Chifley. Don’t attend your own funeral as a guy named Phil Chifley. Get rid of cable.’ Just like the commercial. Isn’t that funny?”

“That’s hilarious. You’re so funny. I love you.”

“Oh, thanks, Frelo. I love you too. Lock it up, homie.” And then we locked it up like homies do. I sighed, content that someone else thought it was funny, too. Oh, if you don’t know what ‘lock it up, homie’ means, it’s the fist pound thing you do with homies. Frehley is my homie.

Oh, shit. I hear my other homies. Maybe if I just don’t turn around, they won’t see me………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“YO, BLAKEY, WASSUP?!”

“BLAAAKKKEE, MAN, HOW’S IT GOIN’, BRAH?”

“BLAKE, YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY. IF I WAS GAY I WOULD TAP THAT. STICK MY KEY IN THAT LOCK AND LOCK THAT MOTHER FUCKER UP.”

“HELL YEAH. SAME HERE.”

“You guys are too sweet.” Adam, Bobby, Marc and David all came over here and tried give me high fives and secret handshakes all at once. “So, uh,” I cleared my throat, trying to shield Frehley from their stupidity by standing in front of her. I think I just ended up being the one to catch their dumbness. “What are you guys doing here -.......dumb question. Sorry. What’s up?”

Adam, as always, started getting a bit too, uhm, black for his pasty white complexion. When he’s high or drunk, he can get like this sometimes and it’s scary. He laughed and it came out a bit squeaky. He tried to give me another handshake. “Ah, man, Blake, you already know. Chillin’ a bit, here and there. We were just at Little Cesar’s. Bought a large peperoni pizza. It’s all good. You want some?”

I want the sober you back.

He motioned over to David, a really short guy. He was holding the big box, but not paying attention. Marc was doing a bunch of tricks I couldn’t make out. Looked like he was just doing a Tre Flip over and over and failing a lot. David was just standing there laughing at him.
“Man, David!” Adam sighed at him as Bobby knocked him the shoulder. David whipped around like he was on a bad acid trip. But then when Adam yelled, “Stop messing around, man. Give Blake a slice,” he was just like, “Oh, hah,” and yanked it open, waving his hand around it like he was Vanna White.

Eh, alright. Pizza sounds good. So I made my way over to him.

“Choose wisely,” he said in an odd voice before laughing again. I ignored him and just grabbed one. My friends do a lot of drugs, that’s why they’re so weird.

As I took a bite, David’s eyes widened. He was looking behind me. He shoved the box of pizza into my chest. “Man!” he exclaimed, pushing passed me. I turned to see him cautiously walking over to Frehley. She was just sitting there. He started pointing at her, gasping how partial words. “Someone left a baby here!”

Marc joined him in complete horror while Adam and Bobby just looked at them while they were dumb. I couldn’t even bare to look at them.

“That’s Frehley, you idiots,” Bobby told them, also exasperated by their stupidity. They both just stood there, still confused.

“WHO?”

“Oh, my God.” I gave Bobby the box and shoved Marc and David out of my way to pick her up. She knew so she just raised her arms up. Then this little bitch - she didn’t even take it out of my hand; she just took a bite out of my pizza.

“Mmm! Yummy.”

I yanked it away from her when she tried to get another. “Get your own!” She just sat there, opening and closing her hand. She leaned in for another bite. When I yanked it away again, she started pouting. Then she started crying. Fake crying.

David and Marc still stood there like I had just picked up *insert something disgusting here*.

“Wha -” David started, stammering. “You know this child? This ‘Frehley’? I swear they’re complete ditzes. They’ve met her six times already.

“Kind of have to.” I went over and got another slice. I gave it to her and she abruptly stopped crying.

She took a big bite and spoke with her mouth full. “Thank you, Daddy.”

“You’re welcome.”

They still stood there. Even more confused.

“‘DADDY’?” cried Marc.

“Oh, my God,” Adam groaned. “You guys are idiots! That’s Frehley. You’re met her before. Blake’s kid.”

“…YOU HAVE A KID? SINCE WHEN?”

“Oh, wait, wait.” Marc seems to have finally remembered. “I remember now. Leah.” That was all it took for David to remember too.

“Oh, yeeeaaahh. I remember now, too. You guys bumped uglies and popped out a munchkin. But I thought her name was Lea-…oh. Never mind.”

SEE? Dumb as fuq. They make no sense.

I think the word that we had pizza had gotten around the skate park because the next thing I heard was, “PIZZA!!!” and some dude came running over, grabbed a piece, battle cry, and ran away.

“Okay then.” I went over to a small ramp, sitting down with Frehley in my lap. Everyone followed me, for some reason.

“Well, anyway,” Adam had got another slice and paused to eat half of it in one bite. “So there’s a party tonight – you remember Emily, right? What am I talking about – of course you do.”

“Uhm,” I quickly pointed to Frehley. “Let’s not talk about that. Ever.” Biiiigggg mistake, I swear. And don’t tell Leah, please and thank you. It happened way before her. Like, I think, a week…………

At first, he was like, “What – why not? But then went, “Oh. Right, right. Well, anyway, she’s having a party, like I said, and personally requested you to be there.”

I sighed profoundly, rolling my eyes. One time thing and now I’m invited to every single one of her parties. I turn her down every time, because the only time she has them is when Frehley’s here. Not that if Frehley wasn’t here I’d go.

“Awesome. Well, I would love to, but, yeah, can’t.”

Okay, now he’s the one being dumb. “Why? She really wants you there and you haven’t gone to any of them since…that one. And she said she’d get Katie to, heh, give me a little somethin’-somethin’, and I need this, man. I haven’t done it in about a week. (Adam talk for ‘an hour.’) I’m dying over here – oh, and we’re going to Mexico next week. All fucking summer. I won’t be able to go to any of her other parties.”

“I really don’t care.”

“Bro! Please – just why not?”

I just wanted to hit him so hard for stooping to Marc and David’s level after being so smart. “Because,” I said firmly, eyes darting to Frehley. “Don’t go getting all dumb on me.”

And it all came rushing back to him. “…oh. Right. I keep forgetting about her. Just leave her at your house. You have parents.”

“Can’t. They wanted to go see Chernobyl Diaries tonight and I don’t want Frehley watching that. Plus, it’s rated R. Couldn’t get in anyway.” Isn’t it funny how that all worked out?

“Oh, come on, dude! Get your mom to stuff her in a bag like she used to do with you.” Yeah, no joke, she seriously used to do that. But I still shook my head.

“No. And I was kind of planning on chilling with her tonight anyway. We were going to watch Netflix.”

David: “….is that a new movie? Did it go straight to DVD? I don’t remember seeing any commercials about it.” (Alex Gaskarth and Jack Barakat: Straight to DVD. STD. lol. Me and anyone else who gets this reference: lol.)

“David,” I snapped, rubbing my temples. “You and your *covers Frehley’s ears* dumbass *uncovers* are really starting to grind my gears.” And he loves Family Guy so he laughed.

“Just watch it some other time!” Adam continued to push. “When’s she going back to Leah’s?”

Never.

I really didn’t want to tell them. They’ll get all, ‘I SWEAR SHE’S TRYING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE!’

“Oh, uh,” I started that dumb, nervous chuckle. “Well, you see…she’s not going back –” All their eyes widened. Damn. “Well, well, maybe. I -”

Adam was the first to speak, of course. He matched my chuckle.

“Uhm, why the hell not?”

“Yeah!” yelled Marc. He now had his headphones on, Beats, I think. I could hear his loud, obnoxious rap music all the way over here. How did he even hear us? “What the fuck?”

“Okay, seriously,” I clapped my hands a bit too hard over her ears, “shut the fuck up or I’m going to rip your dick off. Stop cussing in front of her. Leah nearly had a conniption when she said ‘crap.’”

“WHO GIVES A SHIT?”

“ADAM!” I literally shrieked. Frehley had worked my hands off her and heard that.

She gasped, holding her hand out. “Bad mouth! Put a dollar in the swear jar!”

He just looked at her like she was dumb. “I don’t see a jar anywhere or I would.”

I swear to you, she rolled her eyes, scoffing. “Do you really think I’m going to carry around a jar all the time? No way! It’s a figure of speech. Pay up.” Oh, she’s so cute.

He just ignored her. “Seriously,” he said back to me. “Who gives? She’s never going back to Leah so it’s not like it matters. I swear, she’s trying to ruin your life.” See? Told you one of them would say it. They always do.

I rolled my eyes at him. “She’s not doing it intentionally. They can’t keep her anymore; she costs too much and they can’t afford another mouth to feed.”

“And you guys can?” He scoffed. “I’m telling you, if it’s not Leah’s idea, it’s her parents. They’re just trying to doom you for knocking up their daughter.”

Probably but - “Right, okay.”

“I’m serious!” He looked crazy, like this was all pent up inside of him for so long. “It just makes sense. First, they tried taking both Leah and Frehley away from you, then started the whole ‘every-month’ thing and only gave you a couple of days out of – maybe - every month to see either of them. They’re trying to break you so you would get tired of it at some point and stop trying – but you obviously won’t, so they just handed her off to you, so you’ll get annoyed with her and beg them to take her back. They do and you never see her again. How much you wanna bet?”

That actually sounded like it could be true, but I’m a guy; I refuse to admit when someone other than me might be right. (Author: :P)

“You’re dumb,” I said instead. “I’m not betting anything; that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard you say and you say some dumb shi…stuff. They’re not that immoral.” Everyone nodded, agreeing. Except fucking David. The traitor.

“I don’t know, man,” he said, poking at his head. “It makes so much sense.”

Adam sighed intensely in relief. “Thank you!”

“Yeah,” he went on. Oh, this is gonna be good. “Just look at the facts, man: basically all of what Adam said, and he said a lot; I just don’t remember - but it all sounded pretty right. Just – like, give her back – oh, wait. No. Epiphany. I’m having an epiphany.” He crossed his right leg over his left and closed his eyes tight. “Ohm. Ohhmm.”

Everyone just stared at him. And I mean everyone. All the people in the park were now looking over here. I don’t like this. They need to look away.

David continued to go “Ohm. Ohm. Ohmmmm -…it all makes sense now. Yes!” He stopped all the dumb shit, but kept one hand touching his temples, and gestured around with the other. “I know what you need to do now. You gotta keep Frehley. If it’s true what Adam says, you can’t give her back; that’s what they want.”

“Ugh!” Adam grunted, slapping him over the back of the head. “David! You’re supposed to be on my side.”

David turned to him, stammering, all confused. “Bro, I am. I’m just going off what you said - and my epiphany. My epiphany had a big part of this.” He spit so much during that last sentence.

“You and your ‘epiphany’ are full of shit.”

Frehley gasped again. “You got a bad mouth, mister.”

“Right.” I started getting up. “Bobby – get me that board over there. Come on, Frelo, let’s go home now. I don’t want their stupidity and foul mouth selves to get to you.” I grabbed Frehley’s board from Bobby and got mine with my foot.

“Blake,” groaned Adam for the fifty-fucking-thousandth time, but stopped, smiling at something behind me. No. I refuse to see what it is. “Just get Liz to watch her.”

SHIT. That’s what’s behind me. SHIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTT.

Then I heard a female voice say, “Sup, bitches?!”

“No!” I whined knowing this wouldn’t end well for me. Just don’t turn around. Maybe she’ll go away. I just went back to setting Frehley’s board into the wagon while Adam waved.

“Hey, Lizzie! How’s it going?”

Fuck me, fuck me. KILL ME.

Ugh, alright - Lizzie Shelton. I call her Shelton, and on rare occasions, Liz; everyone else calls her Liz/Lizzie/Elizabeth, so this whole story is going to get really confusing. Love her to death; we’ve been buds since Junior High. She’s just a short little thing, barely five feet tall. Real chill. Hot…..right, right. Beautiful, whatever. And she will do anything I ask her to - or just anything that pertains to me. I swear.

“Hello, Adam. Blake,” When I stood back up, she jabbed me in the sides then got up on her tippy-toes, giving Frehley a peck on the top of her head. “Frehley. And everyone else, hello.”

Marc: “Yo.”
Frehley: “Wizzie!”
Me: “Hey.”
Adam: “Sup.”
Bobby: “Hey.”
David: “Hello.”

She ignored David and threw her board into the grass next to us. Adam beckoned her over to him for a hug which he gave a bit too tight. When she tried to move away, he grabbed her by her shoulder, pulling her back.

“Oh, Liz, I need a favor from you.”

She smiled while I glared at him. “Oh, we’ll see. Whattcha need?”

“Nothing,” I tried, through clenched teeth. She just smiled a snarky one at me and looked back up at Adam.

“Well, it’s not really me, but for Blakey over there.”
She glanced back at me. “Oh. Okay. Well, what is it?” I tried to open my mouth again, but Adam’s big one conquered all.

“Would you be a dear and watch Frehley for him tonight? Emily’s having a party and insists on him going, but he keeps worrying about Frehley because he doesn’t have anyone to watch her. So would ya? It would mean a lot.”

Please say no. Please.

“Isn’t Emily the one he…?”

Adam just did that dumb smile of his, nodding sinisterly. “Hell yeah she is.”

“You know,” I said loudly, getting their attention, “you don’t have to.” She looked back at Adam, then me, then Frehley, then back to Adam. She shook her head but the words didn’t match what I hoped would come with it.

“No, it’s okay. Yeah, I can watch her for you…unless Blake didn’t want to go.” Ah. And this why she’s in my circle of friends: she understands what I really want…not like that, but…the other that. But I mean, she knows that, too…a time before Leah…and after.

I was her first, yay. Oral, anyway. I think she’s still a virgin, tho. With guys; you know, the whole wienie in the vag thing. She’s a whore with chicks.

She likes dudes and chicks. I think girls more. Anyway -

“Oh, no, no.” Adam shook his head fast. I’m surprised his little brain didn’t come flying out…I’m so mean to my friends. “No, he really wants to go. He’s just hesitant leaving her with someone other than him – how sweet is that?”

And this is why. They’re dumb and annoying as hell.

FUCK YOU.

She smiled again. “Incredibly. But this is Blake’s kid. If he wants me to watch her, I will.”

“You’ve watched her before!” Adam said the second I opened my mouth again. “He needs a night out, to party, have fun – but most importantly, to get laid.” Uhm, no. God, Shelton’s face when he said that – it just dropped. But then she rolled her eyes as if to say ‘Typical Adam’. “He’s all stressed right now. You’d be helping him out.”

She sighed at him and smiled sweetly. “Adam, honey?”

“Yes?”

She dropped that smile and replaced it with just death. “Answer for him one more time and I’m going to give you the worst credit card-slash-popsicle ever and post it everywhere and hopefully, one day, Rob Dyrdek will stumble upon it.” Love this girl. She started smiling again. “Ya got me?”

Adam, personally knowing how painful both can be, nodded stiffly. “Gottcha.”

“Thank you.” She turned to me. “Now, Blake, do you want to go out and raise the roof tonight or chill at home with your kid?”

Frankly, you already know, but the more I looked at Adam the more I understood why he needed me to go. I swear he’s sex addict and if he goes any amount of time without doing it, he gets really pissy and I don’t want to deal with that. And he’s been trying to bang Katie since the seventh grade. You know, if you ask me, I think he doesn’t just want to bone her. Adam here has a crush. And he’s leaving in a week and won’t be back all summer. Sure, he’s probably going to bang the locals, but this is Katie. This could be his last chance.

I have to help a bro out.

What I thought was mentally actually came out into reality. My loud sigh.

“Alright, fine. Yeah, I’ll go.”

Adam’s face = priceless. Biggest smile ever. But he’s still a fucker. I really don’t want to go. I like being at home, away from people. Socializing just ain’t my cup of tea.

“Oh, thank you, Blake. You have no idea –”

“Uh-huh – what time is it, the party?”

“Oh,” He pulled out his phone. “She sent me a text earlier – her parents are leaving at eight, so any time after that.”

“Awesome. Well, I really don’t want to be around you guys anymore, so we’re gonna get going.”

Shelton frowned. “Of course. As soon as I arrive.” I flashed a ‘sad’ smile back, setting Frehley down into the wagon.

“I know, right? You’ve always had sucky timing.”

Hah. Sucky. She sucked my dick.

Seriously, I am so sorry. I need to think before I think.

She shrugged, agreeing. “It’ll be the death of me – which reminds me, I’ll try to be at your house at 7:30-ish which means fifteen after eight – if you’re lucky.” Really bad timing. She’s always late. I smiled again at her, said bye one more time before finally getting the hell out of there.

-

Shelton was strangely on time and I wasn’t prepared for her. My parents had already left for the movies, and Frehley and I are pretty close, so I was lounging around the house in just my boxers. That’s it. Plus, I had just gotten out of the shower and didn’t feel like putting on actual clothes.

I hopped up off the couch by the second knock and tried not to scream bloody murder. “Hold on!” I ran all the way to my room in under three seconds. I grabbed anything off the ground and threw it on. It ended up being the clothes I’ve been wearing since school ended.

Yeah, I’ll re-change later.

I quickly ran back into the living room. I almost flew into the door but thankfully stopped myself. I took a deep breath and regained composure before putting on a smile and opening the door.

She stood there grinning on the other side with the usual: a PS3 in her arms and a bag on her back, which probably had the controllers and games in it and a crap ton of other stuff. But when she got a good look at me, her face fell, like she tried to comprehend what the hell just happened to me and then she laughed, walking passed me.

“Catch you at a bad time?”

“Uh, sure, come in.” She flashed a big smile. I continued. “Yeah, kinda. You show up on time and I’m chillin’, fresh out of a shower, in just my boxers.”

She laughed, messing with my damp hair. “Ah. That explains it. I’m getting good at this timing thing. Just a little practice.”

“Right.”

And since she was early, I went over all the things she already knew but sometimes forgot about. Many she’s learned the hard way:

- don’t leave Frehley alone.

- Don’t go dropping the f-bomb or any other vulgar bombs around her (she will pick it up very quickly and explode and die.)

- If she calls you ‘Daddy’ or ‘Mommy’ don’t be surprised; it’s because she wants something.

- Also, that being said, don’t give in.

- No naps; she already had one today and if she does again, she’ll be up all night.

- No sweets; she’ll be up all night. But if she starts crying, give her A LITTLE or she won’t stop.

- If she starts telling you a story or a joke, listen. If you don’t, she’ll cry.

- She cries a lot

- a lot a lot

- Don’t make her cry.

And there was a lot of other things but it mostly led back to her crying.

Adam texted me at 9:50 and told me he was on his way. Yeah, an hour and fifty minutes later. Well, don’t you know? Only ‘dweebs’ show up on time. All the cool kids get in late, and I guess we’re cool.

See, I knew that Adam was going to do that; I’m sure Shelton did, too, yet she still offered to show up hella early. So, after I got done with the little ‘rules and regulation,’ we just sat there and watched TV until Adam showed up in an actual car and we went to -…what’s her name? Idk. That one chick’s house.