Panophobia

Have you ever looked at the moon and wondered if someone else was looking at it too? It’s weird to think, people thousands of years ago looked at the same moon. People I hate and people I love admire the same moon as I.

I sighed, flopping over on my bed, my arms spreading out.

“Kellin!” my step-mother yelled from downstairs. “Dinner’s ready, sweetie!”

Picking myself up, I dragged myself down the stairs and found my step-mother scooping spirals of pasta into a bowl and my father setting up glasses on the table.

“Hi,” I said, voice high and quiet.

“Hey, son,” my dad said, flashing a small grin. “Is milk okay for tonight? Makes strong bones.”

“Sure,” I sat and sighed. He wants me to be some sort of strong sports player, but I have no interest in that. Sounds completely and utterly cliché, but he just doesn’t understand me. I just don’t feel the need to please him.

Katherine, my step-mom, set bowls of pasta on the table, and a small plate of rolls right in the center. Today was just one of those days where I didn’t care about much, and I didn’t want to do anything but lie down and think. I twisted my fork in the noodles, my head resting in the palm of my left hand. My dad and Katherine chatting away about work; they’ve been used to me not talking anymore. It’s kinda like, they don’t want anything to do with me, and they just feed me and house me and provide the essentials. And while that’s amazing, I miss when Katherine would sit with me and watch stupid shows on TV while combing my hair, or when my dad would sit in the garage with me and we’d listen to hair metal bands.

My phone buzzed and I took it out of my pocket, seeing that I had one text from Vic.

From Vic: Everything alright? You haven’t talked to me all day.

To Vic: Yeah, sorry. I’m just in one of those moods.

“Who are you texting?” Katherine asked, politely.

“O-oh, uh, just someone.”

“Is it a girl?” My dad asked, and I heard Katherina kick his leg under the table. He never wanted to accept that the only son he gets to raise is gay. Katherine just smiled at me encouragingly.

“Uh-uh, hi-his name’s Vic.” He phone buzzed twice in my hand.

From Vic: Aww sorry baby. :(

From Vic: Is there anything I can do to help?

To Vic: Idk, I just want to lay down, really.

“Is this Vic boy nice?” Katherine asked, scooping a fork of pasta into her mouth.

I softly smiled, feeling the hint of a blush on my cheeks. “He’s very nice.”

“That’s good.”

From Vic: Or you can come over tonight and sleep over?

To Vic: Really?!

“Hey, is-is it okay if I can, uh, spend the night at his house? His parents are there and his little brother and they’ll be there the whole time and-“

“Yes, Kellin, stop rambling,” she looked over at my dad and he just shrugged. “Yes, you can sleep over at his house.”

“Thank you,” I said quietly, trying not to show too much excitement.

From Vic: Yeah, you remember where my house is right??

To Vic: Well yeah but… I don’t want to walk on a Friday night…

From Vic: Well I’ll just have to pick you up then huh?

To Vic: Please?

From Vic: Should I leave right now?

To Vic: Yes please.

I shoveled the rest of my pasta into my mouth, not properly chewing any of it. No one really noticed, so I excused myself and ran upstairs to pack an overnight bag.

“Okay, pajamas, clothes for tomorrow, a blanket just in case, phone charger, headphones… what am I forgetting?” I muttered to myself. That’s when the doorbell rang. “I’ll get it!” I yelled from upstairs, probably the loudest I’ve spoken to Katherine and my dad in months.

But when I threw the door open and hurled myself into the hallway, Katherine had opened the door, and was introducing herself to Vic. My fingers gripped onto the railing and I bit my lip, hoping he makes a good impression.

They shook hands and Katherine pointed upstairs, when they both looked up and saw me. Vic smiled, and I gulped, running back in my room to put all my shit in the bag.

“Fuck fuck fuck,” I whispered to myself, tossing my clothes in the little bag first, then my phone charger and headphones. “What am I forgetting?”

Then it hit me: I was missing my toothbrush and toothpaste.

“Oh!” I exclaimed, zipping the bag closed and throwing it over my shoulder. I flicked the light off and started jogging into the hallway. But, by complete fucking accident, I ran into Vic, and we both toppled over to the ground. “Oops! I’m sorry Vic, oh my god.”

He chuckled, rolling his eyes at me, “You’re so precious.” I blushed and he continued, “Ready to go?”

“Uh, no. My, uhm, my toothbrush and toothpaste are still in the bathroom.”

“Well, let’s go get it,” he said, starting to stand, before he grabbed my hand, pulling both of us up.

He followed me into my bathroom where I grabbed what I was missing, and slipped it into a side pocket.

“Done?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“Okay, let’s go.”

He grabbed my hand, and I tensed up as we walked down the stairs. He noticed, but I didn’t look him in the eyes. Katherine and my dad were sitting on the couches in the living room, where they could obviously see us holding hands. I’m not worried about Katherine, but my dad is a completely different story.

please dont let them turn around please dont let them turn around

“Are you leaving?” Katherine asked, and I mentally slapped myself. “Give us a goodbye hug!”

I winced and let go of Vic’s hand immediately, and I went over to give Katherine a hug. She kissed my forehead and my eyes rolled the slightest bit. But when I went over to say bye to my dad, he scowled at me, and waved me away. Tears were behind my eyes, but I don’t have a reason to cry; I knew that he was going to reject my hug.

Katherine had a sympathetic look, but when I turned and saw Vic, he just looked shocked. I bit my lip and went back over to him, where he did something I didn’t expect.

He put his arm around me, and placed a small peck on my lips. When he pulled back, I just looked forward, my eyes stinging; there was no way I could look back to my dad. My grip on Vic’s hand tightened; I found comfort in his touch. We walked to the door and when he opened it, my dad said a half-hearted, “bye Kellin.”

I bit my tongue and walked outside. When the door closed, Vic’s mouth started spewing out words.

“That’s really fucked up that your dad wouldn’t hug you and, I don’t know, I just thought that I should kiss you to show that I don’t care if he doesn’t like that you’re gay,” he continued to talk as he opened his car door for me, and he hopped in on the driver’s side. “When I first grabbed your hand, I thought you were ashamed of our relationship but then I-“

“You thought I was ashamed of us?” I asked, so quiet that I’m surprised he even heard me.

“Well, you didn’t want to hold my hand at first and that was the first thing to pop into my head,” he explained. “But now I get it. It’s just your dad. Doesn’t he know you prefer the D?”

“Jesus,” I giggled. “Yeah, he never really accepted it, though.”

“Well, fuck him. I adore you too much to stay away.”

I suppressed a smile as Vic started driving. I think… I think I've fallen in love with him.

I jumped when my phone rang, and I saw Becky’s photo on the screen, and I answered. Vic raised his eyebrows, but they went down once I said, “hey Becky.”

“Actually, it’s Bones, you goof. My phone died, so I’m using Becky’s, but she’s with me.”

“Oh, hi.”

“Where are you?”

“Uh, with Vic.”

“I said where, not who, you idiot.”

I rolled my eyes, “Driving to his house, you bitch.”

We insult each other so much, it concerns other people, but it’s just our thing.

“Well, take a little detour and go to the Best Buy in the strip mall. We’re in the photo developing area.”

“Wait, why?”

“Evidence, motherfucker.”

“What are you even talking about?”

“Just come over, Christ. We have something to show you.”

“Fine.”

“Yay! Love you, cocksucker!”

“Bye faggot.”

I hung my phone up and Vic had a smirk, “You were talking to Bones, huh?”

“Yeah, could you tell?” I asked sarcastically.

“Oh, how could I not? What did she want?”

“We have to go to the Best Buy in the strip mall. She says that her and Becky have something to show us.”

“Well, okay.”

The rest of the drive was in comfortable silence, but it was okay. He pulled up to the Best Buy and he squeezed my knee. We got out of the car and walked in, hands linked together.

“Hey!” Bones yelled, her blonde and brown hair swishing around her head. It was adorned with a red rose, and she had on a black dress with a lace skull on it; she’s so unique, kinda like a little doll.

“Hi,” I said, as her arms wrapped me into a hug, then she hugged Vic next.

“Becky’s over there with Randi and her boyfriend. C’mon, let’s go.”

We walked up to them, where Becky was wearing a blue beanie and one of Tony’s sweaters; it was way too long for her, and she looked extremely cute and little. Randi was standing next to a guy with a bald head; Adam, someone who goes to school with me.

“Hi, Kellin, Vic,” Adam said awkwardly to us.

I smiled and Vic shook his hand, “Hey.”

“So,” Becky started, holding developed photos in her hands. I saw a glossy shot of Zack Merrick with two girls on his arms, “we were brainstorming, and Randi remembered that Adam took photos at local parties. So we got the ones from the party you and Kailey were at.”

She handed me the stack of pictures and I gently took them in both hands.

“The times there were taken are printed on the back. The list of suspects can go down by these photos.”

A smiled ripped onto my face, and I jumped on Becky in a hug.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh my god, thank you so much, Becky!”

She patted my back, “it’s no problem at all, Kellin.”

I pulled away, and gave Bones, Randi, and even Adam hugs.

“If you need any more pictures, you can ask me at any time,” Adam said, looking happy that he helped out.

“Thank you so fucking much, Adam.”

We all said our goodbyes, and Vic took me back to his car. I had a gigantic grin on my face. We drove to his house and when he pulled in to the driveway, he got out of the car, and opened my door, picking me up. I giggled and wrapped my legs around his waist, my arms around his neck, kissing his wonderful lips. His hands tightened around the backs of my thighs as he kicked the passenger door closed. We got into his house and his family must have been in their rooms, because no one was in the kitchen or living room. I’ve only been to his place once before, the familiar smell of fresh flowers covering the house. He carried me upstairs, and I gained enough confidence to start pressing dozens of kisses to his neck. His mouth released a groan, and he opened his room door, quickly closing it and pressing me against the door. His hips pressed into mine, shoving me against the door even harder. I moaned, and he started to leave a hickey under my ear. I knew where this was heading, and being honest, I’m not even scared or nervous; I trust Vic so much, that I don’t think that he could even hurt me.

“M-more,” I whispered. He obliged, and moved us from the wall to his bed. It was a small double, with three pillows and covered in a red-plaid comforter. He placed me down on it, laying on top of me, continuing to grind us together. I kissed his lips over and over, my hand twisting into his hair, tugging the slightest bit. I always felt so comfortable with him, like I could do or say anything, and he wouldn’t care.

“You know,” he started, grabbing the hem of my shirt, and lifting it above my head. He threw it on the floor, then his shirt followed. “I always knew you were adorable, but now that I see you’re extremely sexy, I can’t tell what I like more.”

“Oh, Vic,” I whispered softly, pawing at his back. “More, please?”

He smirked, and it was extremely hot, before he reached for the button on my pants. His hands pressed on my crotch a little, and I let out a light moan. He chuckled, and before I knew it, my zipper was down and he was pulling my pants and boxers off.

“I want to make you feel good. Really good, Kellin," he said, tracing my member with his pointer finger.

“Then do it,” I whispered, and his eyes flicked up to mine; his face held a look of lust, something I’ve never seen before. He spit into his hand, and grabbed me. I was already half-hard, but his strokes felt so fucking amazing, I swear I could have come at the first touch.

I’ve never actually came before; my grandma lived with my family until I came out when I was fifteen. The one time I ever actually masturbated, I was twelve, and rubbing myself of my bed through my boxers; it was ruined when she burst through the door, and exploded in anger, locking me in the basement for hours. Yeah, she wasn’t a good roommate.

But this – the feeling of Vic’s hand on me, his lips sucking and kissing my neck – was better than anything I had imagined.

"You've never had someone to do this to you before, huh?"

I whimpered out a ‘no’ and he quickened his pace, his wrist flicking so fast. I kept letting out breathy moans and little mewls, I guess I was pretty quiet in bed.

“So fucking sexy,” Vic whispered in my ear. “Are you gonna come?”

“Y-yeah, oh...”

“Come for me, baby.”

I moaned at his words, because in all honestly, he's so fucking hot and his hand is working so fucking fast, oh shit. His fucking hand was making me walk on fucking clouds. With his free one, he grabbed one of mine, and squeezed it. God, he's so lovely and I'm so glad he's the first person to show me all the things I shouldn't know.

"I think- fuck! I-I..."

"Just let it go," he said, gently, giving me a squeeze.

I bit my lip and whispered, "Fuck."

I don't know what I was letting go of, but whatever it was must have been holding me back, because I felt like I was spiraling into a pit of ecstasy. I came for the first time, and holy fucking shit, it's fucking magical.

He slowly pumped me all the way through my release, and licked his hand when he pulled it back. I moaned at that, because fuck, that’s fucking hot.

"I really need to finish myself off. Jesus Christ, you're so hot, Kellin."

I'm pretty sure he could tell that I blushed, because he chuckled at me. I grabbed his wrist and pulled him down for a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you, Vic. That felt really good."

"No need for thanks. It's what boyfriends do, right?"

I loved it when he said that: Boyfriend. It makes me feel really special, for no real reason other than he thinks of me the same way I think of him.

"Yeah, I love you."

Wait! Oh shit! Did I just say that? I mean, I do love him but-

"You're too cute," he said, kissing my temple. "I love you too."

I looked up at him, probably smiling a little too wide, and he ruffled my hair, definitely ready to jack off.

You know, I never thought I'd tell someone I loved them while my pants were off and my dick was just hanging out, but I really couldn't give less of a fuck because he loves me back.

And that's all I want.

He rolled over so he was sitting on the edge of the bed, his back pressed against the wall. He unzipped his pants and his hand grabbed his own dick, and I couldn’t stop watching, but I felt like I was supposed to. He was already leaking, and his hand pumped so fast, like he just wanted to get off at that moment. Moans tumbled out of his mouth, and his eyes closed, as his head tipped back and touched the wall. I crawled over to him, moving his hair out of the way, kissing his jaw line. I didn’t feel like I was actually ready to give a handjob, so I’ll do the next best thing.

“Are you close?” I whispered, watching as he harshly breathed in.

“Kellin, you have no fucking idea how fucking sexy you are, especially when you talk dirty.”

I was dirty talking? Oh, I didn’t know. But he likes it, so I kept going on.

“It’ll feel really good, huh? I can tell that it’ll feel really good.”

“Fuck, fuck,” he said, out of breath. “Fuck!”

He shot all over his hand, some spilling onto his chest, some on my arm.

“God damn, Kellin,” he pushed me back down, giving me a kiss on the lips. “So fucking sexy.”

-

It was after midnight, and I woke up to the sound of Vic whimpering into my ear. I lifted my head from his chest, and looked at his face. His forehead was sweaty, his hair sticking to it.

“No,” he said, his head turning to the side. “No, stop… Don’t.”

My eyebrow knitted together, and I poked his shoulder, but he didn’t budge. I leaned my head near his.

“Vic,” I whispered into his ear, placing a small kiss under the lobe. “Hey, wake up.”

When he didn’t, I started to poke his shoulder even harder, saying his name over and over. Finally, he jolted awake, looking at me.

“You were making noises in your sleep, sorry. I just, I thought I should have woken you up.”

“It’s fine,” he said, his arm pressing down on my back, guiding my head to rest on his shoulder. “This is kind of embarrassing, but I get frequent nightmares.”

I kissed him on the cheek, trying to comfort him, trying to be sweet. I’m actually kinda proud that he admitted it; he always puts on a tough face, so it’s nice to see that he has weaknesses like me. “It’s okay.”

He looked down at me, his eyes half lidded. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He closed his eyes again, and as creepy as it sounds, I watched his face and he fell back to sleep. I want to make sure he falls asleep in peace. When his breath started coming out in slow, even rises and falls, I turned and looked out the window at the moon.

I’ve always wondered if anyone else was watching the moon.