Panophobia

Whenever I fell, I was always scared, because I knew I’d hit the ground. And hitting the ground wasn’t pleasant.

But, right now, I can feel myself fall; I can’t tell if I’m dreaming or not. At first, I was scared, but now that I’ve realized that there was nothing to hit, it somehow felt relaxing; almost calming. It was like that scene in Alice In Wonderland where she was just… floating. But instead of cute little characters next to me, it was all darkness, and that should scare me, but it doesn’t. Sometimes I was falling face up, then I’d be falling face down.

Sometimes I’d remember things. When Becky, Jaime, and I found an abandoned trampoline. When Bones and I painted our faces. When Georgia-May and I stole soda out of convenience stores.

When I first laid eyes on Vic; when his touch first zinged me; when we first exchanged numbers; when we played footsie on our first date; when we had our first kiss; when he first touched me in a way I’ve never known; when we both said those three little words; when we had our first fight; the last time I saw him.

“Kellin!” a scream in the distance.

I’m falling.

“Wake up!” a second distant scream.

I’m falling.

“Please!” another scream from far, far away.

I’m falling down.

“I love you!”

I hit the ground.

I felt my body convulse, and my eyes flew open. My mouth gasped in too much air at one time, and I choked.

I was in a white room, a bed, a heart monitor… I’m in a hospital.

nice job kellin it doesnt take a genius to figure that out

“Oh, hey,” a light voice said to my right. When I moved to turn my head, I winced. It hurt like a fucking bitch. “Don’t turn your head, sweetie.”

It was a nurse with straight auburn hair and a friendly smile.

“Hi,” I said, my throat burning. “Can I please have some water?”

She smiled, and held up her pointer finger, then went to the door and stuck her head out, saying something about me waking up. Suddenly, a parade of hospital workers looked in, relieved. I raised a hand and awkwardly waved at them, and I saw all of them smile, and return to whatever business they had before. The nurse came to me with a bottle of water, which was amazingly cold on my hands.

“Hi, Kellin. I’m your nurse, Ali. How are you feeling?”

“Uh, well I’m feeling something,” we chuckled, “I feel achy all over. What happened?”

“You’ve been unconscious for a couple days. Some thought you weren’t gonna make it because of the amount of blood loss, but we all tried to stay optimistic,” I felt the blood rush out of my face. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

“I was in the woods and I got,” I looked down at myself, and moved my up the stupid hospital gown. There were stitches right above my hipbone. I looked up at Ali, who looked sympathetic.

“While you were unconscious, we stitched up your wound. You’re pretty lucky it was a shallow stab; it didn’t hit any important organs.”

“Where’s everyone else?” I asked, noticing I was all alone in this room.

“We understood the request from the boy who brought you here; I believe his name is Victor. He asked that you be put in a separate room, so you didn’t have to witness anyone else’s injuries.”

I perked up at the mention of Vic’s name, “Do you know where he is?”

“He left the hospital a bit after he first dropped you off, and hasn’t been back since. He stayed with you for a bit and held your hand, but he had to leave when visiting time ran out. He didn’t leave any contact information either.”

“Oh,” I frowned. “Is anyone else here that was with me?”

“We’ll talk about that later.”

“No,” I whined. “I want to talk about it now.”

She sighed, “Yes. A few others, and there’s been a fatality.”

I looked down. “Is Tay…?”

She shook her head ‘no’ and patted my arm.

“I’m going to call your parents, and they’ll pick you up and take you home, okay?”

I nodded, and she smiled sweetly, leaving the room.

Every part of my body had a dull pain, nothing too bad, but just annoying. My mind hurt as well, thoughts running through way too fast. But mostly, my heart hurt, because of everything that had happened.

I was so tired when Katherine and my dad came in; they both engulfed me in hugs, relieved that I had woken up, and that Kailey was back home. She wasn’t there with them, for the obvious fact that she now hates me, but just having them there and them being happy meant a lot to me.

Another nurse, Ashley, helped Ali get me up and helped me get dressed and collect my personal belongings, then I was checked out of the hospital. They told me to watch out for my hip, and when to come back to get the stitches out. In the car, I laid in the backseat, ignoring seatbelts, and just curling up on my side. I was almost asleep when I got home, so they had to help me up and into the house. I insisted that I would be able to go up the stairs on my own, and they just accepted it, and left me be.

It took a little bit of extra effort, but I climbed up the stairs, and I got into my room, ignoring the sound of Kailey in her room. I dug my phone out from the little bag of my stuff, and plugged it in the charger. It started up, and I opened my texts, seeing a bunch of ‘Get better!’s and no texts from Vic. I tried to call him, but it went straight to voicemail, meaning his phone was off.

I put the phone down, lying on my bed, hearing a paper crinkle under my back. Confused, I sat up and grabbed it, seeing Vic’s familiar messy scrawl.

Kellin,

I can’t believe you’re gone. I feel like part of this is my fault, because I could have saved you. You haven’t been gone too long, but I miss you so much. I feel so much guilt, I don’t understand how to deal with it. The only thing I know how to feel is empty. A nightmare didn't come to me last night, because it became reality. I love you so much, so so much. I’m going to follow you. Maybe I’ll use pills, maybe I’ll jump. I’m coming to see you, please open the door for me.

Love always, Vic.