Panophobia

Right now, Kellin was in the passenger seat of Vic’s car, nervously looking anywhere but his boyfriend’s face and his head resting on his palm. Vic’s hand was rubbing circles onto Kellin’s knee while driving, heightening Kellin’s anxiety (which Vic knew about, but he kept his hand on his love’s leg). The scene kept repeating in Kellin’s cluttered mind:

"Why won't you talk to me? Look at me? Fucking acknowledge me! Please!"

Those icy eyes landed on Kellin for the first time in what seemed like years.

"Fuck you, Kellin. I hope you suffer."

Kailey walked off, like closing a door for the last time.

"So that's it? You're cutting me out of your life just like that?" he yelled, gripping the ghosts of strings that once were.

“You handed me the scissors.”

“Kellin? Kellin?” Vic snapped his fingers in front of his boyfriend’s stoic face, worried at how unnaturally quiet his boyfriend was being.

“Sorry. Just – something about Kailey, sorry.”

Vic smiled sympathetically, “she’ll come around, Kellin. And if not, you have a new family to come to.”

Kellin grinned and pecked Vic on the lips, “Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Vic said, unbuckling Kellin’s seatbelt, something he did subconsciously. “Now, let’s go. See, they’re waiting for us.”

It took the couple an hour, but they finally reached the beach where all of their friends were – well, almost all of them. A sunset illustrated the sky, splashes of orange in the air, a royal sapphire poking through the clouds. The horizon was almost nonexistent, engraved in thin black, meshing into the coral of the sunset. And the clouds were pink, like swirls of cotton candy, spun in the atmosphere.

“Hey, there’s the fags!” Bones yelled, her hair in doggy-ear ponytails, jumping like a little girl while her hand was glued to Becky’s.

Kellin shyly waved back, grabbing Vic’s hand, and they walked to the edge of the water. Everything now was new; the past is soiled but the present is pure, simple, and clean. The nine of them now had the faces of changed people – they grew up, adults are what they are. They had all looked death in the face and here they are now, standing tall in the gift of life. Though, things can never be what they were, things can rise from the sprout they were before. You can't tie up all your loose ends. Let it go and let it land.

And tonight, well, tonight would be a celebration. None of them really remembered who suggested it, and what it's exact reason was (though, it was that they were all still alive), but it seemed appropriate to just have one night to be free. After all, they were pretty caged in the last few weeks.

They all made small talk for a while, but their heads were all in different places. Jaime was thinking of different excuses to tell his girlfriend about why he can’t come over. Georgia-May was thinking about the couple she met while apologizing to Tay’s corpse. Becky was thinking of how exactly she was going to make room for Bones in her house. Mike thinking of the stick Claudia was holding earlier. Vic was thinking of Kailey and how she could fuck up the great relationship he has going on for him. But all of it was forgotten and dropped when Tony suggested going into the water when the shade matched the golden of the sky.

All nine of them kicked off their shoes and grabbed hands; as if they were afraid anyone was going to float away into the sea. They stood at the edge of the water and slowly started inching their way in, but at knee-height, they took the plunge and all their trouble washed away.

The resonate of Tay screaming seeped out of their ears. The image of blood that was on their eyelids melted away. The seemingly permanent smell of carnage releasing from their nostrils. The feel of a trigger under their pointer finger disintegrating. The taste of malice on their tongues reduced to nothing.

Everything was still and peaceful under the waves, but like all living beings, they had to resurface. Their hands still attached, everyone came up, and glistened beneath the sun. On the other side of life, everything seems more clear.