Panophobia

It’s been nine months since that day.

A has been born.

And a life may have ended.

After falling asleep, I can’t remember what happened. No evidence was left except one drunken artifact; a bottle of Jack Daniel’s. All I know is that I woke up to a police officer taking me in for questioning. But, they crossed me off the list of suspects when my DNA was proven to not match the one on the bottle. They kept their eyes on me for a while, but eventually stopped when I came home and broke down in tears for the first time.

It’s been rock bottom for nine months.

I tried to kill myself once, but that only ended up in a massive headache and vomit. Nothing was gained, and nothing was lost – well, except my lunch. My parents let me stay home, not knowing that intended to die. Go figure.

Now, I’m just petrified of everything. Going outside. Laying down. Drinking water. Sending texts. Opening a fucking door terrifies me. I just want my sister back, or I want to die.

Today was another day, lulling me into the deep waters of fear even more. Currently, I’m sitting in class, freaking out because I want to ask the girl in front of me for a pen – mine ran dry.

I gained the courage to tap her shoulder, and even though she turned around with a smile on her face, I almost ran out of the room.

“Yeah?” she asked. She was completely aware of my fear of everything after sitting in front of me for the past eight months. Poor girl. I only know her name; Kaylie. Pronounced just like my sister’s.

“Uh, pen. I-I need one.”

I’m such an asshole sometimes, I don’t mean it.

“Yeah, sure,” she said, reaching into her bag and pulling out a capped blue ink pen. She handed it over and turned away, continuing to take notes.

It sucks, knowing that I can never look at her without thinking of the… accident. But let’s not dwell on it.

The bell rang around five minutes later, and I threw the pen on her desk and hightailed it out of the room, towards my best friend, Justin’s, locker. Of course when I showed up, his girlfriend, Desi, was there, juggling her books. She dropped one, and when it fell to the floor, I let out a tiny yelp and jumped up. Desi scrambled to pick it up.

“Sorry Kellin! It was an accident!”

“No, no. It’s-it’s fine. You didn’t mean it.”

She offered an apologetic smile and leaned against the lockers. We had a small chat about how annoying the bell schedule is until Justin showed up.

“Hey, babe,” he smiled at Desi, giving a peck on her cheek and moving to enter his lock combo. “Sup Kellin.”

“Hey,” I said softly, gnawing on my bottom lip. It’s a nervous habit, and I basically chew off my bottom lip every week.

“Where do you want to eat today?” Desi asked, running a light hand through her short hair, glancing at Justin’s ass before he noticed. Oh, young love.

“Uh, in the library?”

“You always want to eat in the library,” Justin complained, groaning at me. Desi show him a warning look, slapping his arm.

“We’ll eat wherever he wants.”

The corners of my mouth twitched; whether they went up in a smile, or down in a frown, I didn’t know.

-

You know, they say being lonely is only fun in a group.

With Bella and Gabe being too tangled in a conversation, and Desi and Justin tongue’s tangled together, I was just… there. Taking up space and oxygen, wallowing in self-pity, and dreading the ringing bell.

You know, the bell ringing is the worst part of my day, and it happens too fucking much. The fucking sound in itself if fucking terrifying, and what it signals is even more bloodcurdling. But I could never escape it.

“Hey, Kellin, want to go to the mall later?” Bella asked, looking my way, twirling a tip of her hair.

Oh shit.

“No thanks.”

“How come you never want to hang out after school anymore? Dude, it’s been nine months…” Justin trailed off, taking in my horrified expressing.

“Justin!” Gabe scolded. Desi’s and Bella’s jaws were dropped.

“You’re a fucking prick,” I said, grabbing my bag and shooting out of my seat.

“Kellin, wait, st-“

I held my hand up, making Gabe shut his mouth.
“Save it.”
I walked out the library, into the parking lot, bumping shoulders with strangers.

I wasn’t paying attention to who I was bumping into until I felt it.

The touch again.

The one that shot adrenaline in me, euphoria trickling into my veins.

I turned my head to see who it was, but they were already lost in the crowd.

Could it be? The boy who was with me that night?

Or am I just losing my mind?