Panophobia

Vic fucking Fuentes was sitting across from me at the small coffee shop near our school. I had a free period after lunch, and Vic was apparently comfortable with skipping school. Not like I expected anything less; bad boys don’t give a fuck, am I right?

(Hint hint: Of fucking course I am.)

He drove us to my favorite coffee shop that was ten minutes from the school. In the car, my hand was clinging for dear life on the handle and it took a ton of effort to not scream every time he cut a corner or sped up on a yellow light. I don’t think he noticed until he had to coax my shaky body out of the car and into the shop.

I always walk (driving is too risky) here after the day is done, and work on homework over lemon bars or snickerdoodles or hot chocolate with extra whipped cream.

Kailey and I used to come here together and buy baked goods for our parents and brothers every Friday after school. I don’t do that anymore; too much pain.

He took a bite out of a roll, wiping the crumbs off his hands, and I saw them commit suicide off his fingers.

I wouldn’t blame them.

I was sipping my soda when he suggested we play 20 Questions.

“Favorite color?” he asked.

“Green,” I smiled. “Play an instrument?”

“God, too many to count. I enjoy the guitar the most.”

“Oh, cool,” I said, not too into the conversation.

“Have a girlfriend?”

“Nope,” I took another drink.

“Have a boyfriend?”

I choked on my drink.

“No!” I struggled through my coughs. I feel like if he knew I preferred dick to vagina, he wouldn’t want to be friends anymore.

“Dude, it’s fine if you like guys,” he said, chuckling at my gasps. “I mean, I like guys.”

I choked again.

“Oh!” I continued to cough, wiping my mouth rapidly with a crumpled napkin from the dispenser on the side of the table.

Vic leaned over, rubbing circles on my back, lightly patting it as if that would help.

(Okay, well it kind of helped, but I’m just an asshole.)

“You okay?” he asked, actually looking concerned. I wonder if it was fake.

“Yeah, yeah. Just… shocked.”

He snickered, “it’s fine.”

“Yeah. Uh, my turn?” I asked, tossing the napkin to the table. He nodded. “Favorite movie?”

“Wayne’s World,” we both laughed. “Have any siblings.”

“Uh…”

I looked up at him, and he had a small smile.

That smile of ignorance.

That smile of unknowing.

That smile of oblivion.

Oh, how it hurts to break the news.

“Well, I have two brothers they live with my mom. And I also have a sister…”

“Oh cool, what grade is she?”

“She would have been a sophomore.”

“Would have?”

“Can we not talk about it? Why are you prying into this?” I snapped, letting out an exasperated sigh. His eyes widened, and his jaw dropped the tiniest bit. Okay, now I definitely felt like an asshole.

“Okay, I’ll just leave,” he said, picking up his cup and starting to get up.

“No, wait!” I said, scared he was going to just leave. I was actually feeling… companionship.

I grabbed his hand, and I felt that touch again. It was really strong this time, almost making me let go, but it kept us glued together at the same time.

“I’m sorry, it’s just a touchy subject. I’ll tell you later, okay? Just not now.”

He looked sympathetic, and shrugged a little.

“You know, I think your temper is bigger than mine.”

“Excuse you?” I asked.

He smirked, “you’re just confirming what I said.

I smirked back, “I guess I am.”

And like that, the touch was more mild. How strange.

-

It was the last class of the day, and I felt two quick taps on my shoulder. I turned to see Vic was the one trying to get my attention.

Even though I don’t want to admit it, he’s really nice. After my little outburst in 20 Questions we finished our lunch in a comfortable silence, him humming from time to time. It was, dare I say, cute. Yeah, it was cute. And when we were done both of us threw some crumpled bills on the table and he drove us back to school. The ride back was easier than the ride to. He even let me pick a radio station, and being my nervous self I turned it to a random one playing a popular dance song. I was scared if I messed with the radio too much he’d get distracted and crash or some shit.

I don’t think he’s a murderer, just misunderstood. It’s not my business but, I can have an opinion right?

“Can I introduce you to some of my other friends after school?”

Other friends.

Oh my god, that means he considers me his friend.

Wait, do I want to meet his friends? Are they like him or what?

“Don’t be nervous, if I hang out with them how bad can they be?” he winked at me. But I was too focused on his hand that slipped down and was resting on my forearm. His touch felt how it did earlier when I grabbed his hand.

I could feel myself giving in, the touch ebbing away at my apprehension, and I groaned and buried my face into my other arm, the cooling surface on my desk comforting the warm blush on my cheek.
“Fine!” I sighed, flicking my wrist up and out of his hand.

“I knew you’d say yes,” he chuckled, turning back to his worksheet.

I looked up to see a ton of stares at us, Desi, Bella, and Gabe with furrowed eyebrows, holding their hands up and mouthing questions at me. I shrugged, resting my elbows on the desk, and buried my face in my hands.

What is this boy doing to me?

-

We were in a neighborhood I recognized as a Skid Row; where you live when you’ve given up. Maybe I’ll end up here; I have the depression for it.

He pulled into the driveway of a peeling yellow house. It looks like it may have been bright as sunshine a long time ago.

“Is this your place?”

“Nah, I live near the school,” he said, unbuckling his seatbelt. Before I could even try to unbuckle mine, he reached over and did it for me.

Well, that was… sweet?

“Whose house is it then?” I asked, as we stepped out of the car. We were walking to the front door when he knocked a couple of times.

“My friend Tony’s,” he answered, knocking again. The door opened revealing a short girl with medium-length dark brown hair in a yellow patterned dress. She was smiling up at us. Funny, both Vic and I are pretty short, yet she made me feel tall.

“Hey,” she said, stepping out and closing the door behind her. She started walking past the house into an area of woods behind it. Vic followed her, asking how her day went.

Did I really want to go in the fucking woods? I mean, there could be wild animals or crazy rapists or-

kellin youre being ridiculous

I know I am! I know, I can’t help it!

“You coming or what?” Vic said, both of them staring at me over their shoulders, that look on their face saying: What The Fuck Are You Doing?

“Yeah,” I sighed, pulling my hood on, stretching my sleeves over my hands, and burying them in my pockets. I jogged up to them, and instantly my hand was latched on to Vic’s wrist. He looked at me and smiled.

Maybe the front he put on yesterday was an act. But, what if this is an act?

“Kellin,” he said, waving his free hand in front of my eyes, “this is Becky.” He gestured to the small girl with the sweet smile, and she waved the tiniest bit.

“Hi.”

“Hey,” I smiled back.

Okay, maybe his friends aren’t so bad.

We kept walking into the woods, mostly Becky and Vic filled the silence, chatting away at random topics. We came up to a random tree and stopped; I looked at Vic, puzzled. Both him and Becky chuckled, and she pointed up.

“A tree house?” I asked. It was a tree house, but it was gigantic.

“My boyfriend and I made it with a few friends as kids. It took an entire year, but we did it. It’s still standing today. We all kind of meet up here,” Becky said, living a light shrug. She started climbing the ladder, and Vic and I looked down. She was wearing a dress and it’d be fucking creepy if we were looking up, okay.

“Your turn,” he said, gesturing the ladder.

“What if I fall?” I asked, panicked.

“Jesus Christ, if you do it right, then you won’t fall. I’ll be right behind you, so if you do slip, I can catch you.”

“Fine,” I groaned, giving into him yet again.

I grabbed a rung and hoisted myself up so my feet could be on a rung too. Slowly, carefully, I climbed, feeling a bit safer knowing Vic was ready to catch me. Soon enough, I reached the top and I got on the platform.

Becky was up there with five other people; three guys and two other girls.

“Hey, Vic!” they all said when he popped up. I felt a little out of place, seeing that they all looked pretty tough and I just looked… like a little boy, basically.

“Who’s this?” a girl with tan skin and long black hair adorned with a black beanie asked. She had on thick eyeliner and a lot of blush, but she was still pretty none the less.

“This is a friend from school. Kellin.”

He went around introducing everyone to me.

The guys were named Jaime, Tony, and Mike; Vic and Mike are brothers, but Mike is dropped out of school. The girl with black hair and heavy makeup is Mike’s girlfriend, Claudia. The other girl had slightly red hair with side bangs and she wore a gray beanie; her name’s Georgia-May, but they called her GM for short.

I suspected they were a gang of some sort, but nothing could be certain without clarity.

“Well, Kellin,” a boy – Jaime – said, “welcome to the club.”

Vic smiled and we sat down near each other, and he ruffled the back of my hair. When his palm touched the nape of my neck, his smile grew wider, but the touch was toned down.