Panophobia

In the past two months of my life I have accidentally:

-Joined a Mexican "gang."

-Made new friends

-Pissed off my old friends.

-Learned how to cuss in Spanish.

-Started letting my walls down.

All of which are terrifying.

A few days after I met the group, they figured out I was gay. It wasn’t too hard to put two-and-two together, though.

Vic was driving me to Becky’s house for a sleepover with the girls. I guess they considered me one of the girls. Becky’s mom didn’t mind me staying over; I think she thought I was a girl. Oh well.

Vic glanced at me in the mirror, catching my eye and sending me a little grin. I couldn’t help but smile back. He found it weird that I have my license but I didn’t drive. Ever since the party, I’ve avoided cars – they’re too scary for me. But, then again, everything else is. Still, he doesn’t mind dragging me into his spacious car and driving away before I can jump out.

“Y’know,” he said, not bothering to check the light on the empty street, “I really like spending time with you, Kels.”

I blushed, smiled, did the whole teenage girl routine. “I like spending time with you too.”

We pulled up to Becky’s house and he unbuckled my seatbelt, just like he always does. It’s quite endearing, to be completely honest. We exited his car, and walked to Becky’s front door. He was holding my little bag, and I lifted my hand to knock-

“Hey!” the door flew open, and I accidentally knocked on Becky’s shoulder. “Excuse you.”

“Sorry!”

She giggled, “it’s fine. Bye Vic!”

“See ya’ guys,” he said, handing my bag to me and giving me an awkward side hug.

“Bye,” I said softly, almost feeling like I should give him a goodbye kiss but not daring to.

it’s funny, the things that happen in a couple months

You got that right.

-

At the sleepover, Becky had four girls and me. The four girls were GM, Claudia, a girl I haven’t met before named Randi, and another new face, Bones.

Randi was near Becky’s height, with hair pulled into a ponytail and glasses. She was the oldest here, and by far, the one who was the most mature. She was full of funny stories about her high school, and teasing Becky saying she was her chauffeur. I liked her, she wasn’t blaring loud.

Unlike the other girls, Bones, who some loud enigma. Her voice was nasally, and she had around three different accents that would burst out from time to time. She was one of the youngest, but she was near my height, and had a tangled mane of hair. She told me she was Filipino when I asked her if she was Mexican; she can’t be mad though, she was speaking Spanish and had the same skin tone as Victor. I guess at some point, she had a crush on Vic, but Becky told me it passed. In some way, I was jealous of this girl I haven’t known until this point.

We were all lying in a circle on the floor, our heads resting on our folded arms, discussing random topics. Becky was to my left, and GM was on my right. Directly across from me was Randi, and I could swear, she somehow looked familiar in this lighting. Strange, how I’m thinking I’ve seen strangers before. I’m fooling.

I was sipping on a milkshake when everyone decided to discuss our relationships.

“Well,” Claudia started, looking really different without her heavy makeup. She looked prettier, but girls don’t know things like this. “Mike and I started out as friends with benefits, and when he started hanging out with some Melissa girl, I went crazy. We didn’t meet up for a week, but then one day, he opened his big mouth and told me he was in love with me. So, here we are now.”

Sounds like a movie.

“My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time,” Bones said, and all the other girls’ faces turned to confusion.

“Who’s your boy-toy?” Randi asked her.

“Food.”

We all laughed at her joke. You know, she actually was pretty funny. In a sarcastic, offensive way, of course.

“Can I spill?” GM asked, and we all nodded. I didn’t know she was in a relationship. “Well, Tay and I have been together for, like, six months now. I’m already planning our future. She’s on board…”

I turned out, realizing that she had a girlfriend, not a boyfriend. Maybe I can talk to her about being gay or whatever.

“What does she look like?” I asked when I realized she finished. She fished her phone out and showed me her lockscreen. There was a beautiful young woman, with brown highlighted hair and a little nose ring. “She’s gorgeous.”

“Thanks, but keep off her, Quinn,” she laughed, elbowing me. We laughed.

“Tony and I met when we were little kids,” Becky spoke up, playing with the end of a strand of hair. “I think when we were eleven or something he was like, ‘I like like you,’ and when we were fifteen we started dating. Now, two years later, I’m still with him.”

“Awh,” I said.

“Becky and Toner forever!” Bones said, a little too loudly for nighttime.

“Toner Boner,” Becky whispered back, and only Bones, GM, and I heard. We all laughed, and everyone else was confused.

“What about you, Randi?” Claudia asked.

“Still with Adam,” she said, smiling to herself. “It’s been almost a year now, oh my god. We met when I went to get Becky from an after-school photography class-“

It clicked in my mind.

kellin ask

“Does he go to the same school as Vic and I?” I interrupted, making everyone look at me.

“Yeah, the bald kid,” Randi smirked.

Oh my god that’s why she looks familiar. Wasn’t she at the party where-

don’t

“What about you, Kellin?” Randi asked, pulling me from my wretched thoughts.

“I don’t have a boyfriend.”

“Oh please!” GM said, lightly smacking my upper arm. “You were wearing his clothes!”

I looked at the folded black sweatshirt and cargo shorts at the end of my makeshift bed. They were his.

“You are Vic aren’t official?” Claudia asked.

“You guys are perfect for each other,” Becky said.

“Kellin and Victor sitting in a tree!” Bone started.

My cheeks furiously blushed, and I’m pretty sure I looked like the fucking sun.

“No! We’re not dating! We’re friends,” I said, sounding defensive at first then sad. Truth be told, I developed a tiny crush on Vic over the last couple weeks.

“Awh, poor Kellin.”

I rolled my eyes.

“You guys need Jesus,” I said, and we all laughed again.

I think I really am one of the girls.

-

The following morning, Vic picked me up and took us out for brunch at a little diner. I only got a little plate of eggs and bacon, while he opted for a breakfast burrito, and we shared an extra muffin that came with our food.

“Vic?” I asked, looking up to see him popping a blueberry into his mouth from the muffin.

“Yeah?”

“Uh, I kinda have a weird question.”

“Go for it,” he said, taking a bite out of his burrito.

“Well, do you feel it too? When you touch me?”

He sighed. “Yes, Kellin, I do.”

“What is it?”

He reached his hand across the table and I grabbed it. The touch was still extremely intoxicating, but not overpowering.

“Okay, Kellin, you have to trust me right now.”

“I trust you.”

His face lit up a bit when I said that. He’s really cute, damn it.

“Think of the scariest movie you’ve ever seen. Don’t ask, just think of it.”

I thought back to a Halloween three years ago. Justin, Alex, and I were fourteen and we snuck a horror movie into Alex’s room. I don’t remember the title, but I remember the bodies raising themselves out of the grave and-

“It’s stronger now,” I stated, looking him in the eyes.

“Yeah, now think of your favorite vacation.”

I was brought back to childhood, the first time I went to DisneyLand. I was full of wonder, actually believing that the castles were legitimate and the people in costumes were the actual characters from the movie.

“It’s mild now.”

“The more scared you are, the more you feel it. I don’t know what it is, but it’s been with me since childhood.”

“Huh,” I said, puzzled.

“I know, freaky.”

“It’s odd, but I don’t think any different of you. It’s comforting.”

He smiled at me, “can I ask a question now?”

“Sure.”

“My touch never feels normal, because you’re always scared, Kellin. What are you so scared of?”

I tensed, and I could feel the touch rise in intensity.

“I-I have a thing called panophobia. It’s, god I’m so lame. It’s the fear of everything. I’m in a constant state of anxiety.”

“Why?” he ran his thumb along my knuckles.

“Remember the first time I brought up my sister, and how I reacted?” He nodded. “The summer before the school year, her and I were at a party. When we left and were walking home, she was taken, and I was there. After hearing her screams, and her struggling, I became scared of everything. Someone, I don’t know who, grabbed me and kept me at a distance from them, and they had this touch…”

I looked to mine and Vic’s interlocked hand, and then to his face which was painted with a shocked expression. My jaw dropped.

“That was you…” we said in unison.

I dropped his hand and shoveled my food in my mouth, avoiding his gaze. I wanted to leave. The check came and I didn’t even bother with it; Vic just paid for our food, and we sprang up and hurried to his car.

An awkward silence cloaked the car, and my breathing sped up. He grabbed my wrist to calm me down, and even though I wanted to pull my hand away, I just couldn’t.

He pulled into my driveway and unbuckled my belt for me. Before I could mutter a thank you, he grabbed me by my shoulders.

“Look at me. Please, look at me,” he begged. I lifted my eyes and saw how apologetic he looked. I softened my expression.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I’m not even mad; I’m just upset about the whole memory. I don’t hate you.”

“Good,” he chuckled, “if you hated me I wouldn’t be able to ask you for a date tomorrow.”

“Really?” I said, automatically brightening up.

“Really.”