Broken Bracelets, Broken Promises.

“Kellin, honey, please let me know if you need anything…” my mother’s voice begged as she stood at
my bedroom door. I didn’t raise my eyes to meet hers, and simply buried my face into my comforter
letting out an unintelligible groan. I heard my door click closed and listened to her feet brush across
the hardwood as she headed into the living room. Her concern would die down eventually, and she’d
go right back to being too busy to care again. Until next time, at least.

I waited until I couldn’t hear her moving anymore and pushed myself off of the mattress. I was still a
little dizzy, and my stomach felt like it had been ripped out, but I guess I should’ve expected that. I
made my way to my desk, using the wall as support, and opened the small cedar box, sighing to
myself. I wrapped my fingers around the plastic bracelet on my wrist and snapped it off, then placed
it on top of the rest; there were at least thirty in the box already. What’s one more, I guess.

I didn’t really feel like walking back to my bed, so I just crumpled myself up on the floor, curling up as
tightly as I could. I wasn’t going to cry. I refused. My eyelids dropped and a shaky sigh left my lips. I
hated everything about this. Another failure. A double failure, actually. It was always that way. The
cuts not deep enough. The rope not tight enough. I guess this time, I just didn’t drink enough of the
bleach. I hated how I always failed. Every fucking time. I felt the tears stinging my eyes and shook my
head, rolling onto my back as I stared up at the ceiling. I guess the worst part of this whole thing was
that I failed him.

Vic was like my best friend. Okay, the kind of best friend that I was sorta in love with, and had been
for years, but I’d never tell him that. It didn’t matter, anyway. I’d be out of his hair soon enough.
Another sigh escaped me as I sat up; I hadn’t had my phone in hours. I bet he’d sent me a million
texts. I stumbled back to my bed and grabbed my iPhone, unlocking to the screen to confirm, yes, he
had sent me a ton of messages. At least twenty. I scrolled through them; they were mostly the same.
Asking me if I was okay, telling me to answer him, threatening to come over. I guess he thought I
just fell asleep, though. I mean, it was now…damn, 3 AM. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind a surprise visit,
right?

I looked towards my door; I’m sure my mom was asleep by now, she’d been exhausted even when
she found me. I guess working three jobs can do that to someone, though. I stuffed my phone into
my pocket and walked to my window, forcing it open as quietly as I could, and climbed out. Lucky for
me my house was only one story. Or maybe it wasn’t lucky, I don’t even know anymore.

As numb as I felt, I could definitely tell that it was cold outside. I mentally kicked myself for not having
a jacket and crossed my arms, walking as fast as I could down the dark streets. Vic didn’t live too far,
thank God. I’m sure he’d still be up, too. Probably studying or something. I could see my breath under
the streetlights; I thought of when I was little and it was this cold. I’d pretend to be a dragon. I
missed that. That innocence. That happiness.

I shook my thoughts as I turned onto Vic’s street and headed for his house. The Fuentes house was a
little bigger than mine; well, a lot bigger, actually. It was two stories and everything, and it was really
nice. I liked it a lot. I found myself struggled for breath as I stood underneath his window and looked
up; good, his light was still on. Perfect. I pulled my phone out and slid my finger over the screen,
pulling up his name and texting him,

“Hey dude, can you like open your window? It’s freezing out here.”

Then I waited. The wind blew, sending a severe shiver down my spine, and I again kicked myself for
forgetting my coat. After a few moments, Vic’s window opened and he poked his head out, his brown
eyes wide.

“What are you doing, Kells? It’s three in the fucking morning. Wait, where the hell have you been?” he
called to me in a hushed voice. I could practically hear the worry dripping from his words. I raised my
hands defensively and shook my head, my long hair falling into my eyes. I brushed it away as I called
back,

“Can I just come in? It’s fucking cold out here!”

Vic glanced back into his room, then nodded and returned, “Yeah, I’ll let you in in a minute. And keep it down, everyone else is asleep!”

A faint smile crossed my lips and I nodded. I crossed my arms as I walked up onto the porch. I knew
I could count on Vic. I’d always been able to; he was always there for me. No matter what. I guess
that’s why I liked him so much. It was more than that though…I needed him. He was my voice of
reason most times. Honestly, he was the only reason I was even still breathing.

That’s the very reason I felt my already pained stomach drop when Vic quietly unlocked the door and
opened it, his worried eyes landing on me. I could tell he knew something happened, and that made
feel like shit. I promised him. I promised! Sadness flashed through his eyes as he jerked his head
towards the stairs, whispering,

“Get in here, you’re gonna freeze to death. Where’s your jacket?”

I quickly obliged, relieved to feel how warm it was in his house. He grabbed a jacket off the coat rack
as he walked past it and handed it to me while we ascended the stairs and started for his room. He
hadn’t said much, and that was making me kinda nervous. I anxiously chewed on my already horribly
chapped lip as we got to his room; he closed the door and looked to me. I refused to look at him,
instead trying to figure out what he was doing before I got here. Looks like I was right, he was
studying. He was such a good student.

“Kellin, what the hell happened to you?” Vic’s soft voice broke the uncomfortable silence. I seated
myself on his bed, shaking my head in response. I wasn’t going to be able to lie to him, that was
sure. Maybe just keeping my mouth shut would work. He huffed as he fell into his computer chair. I
looked up to him; he looked so tired. I suddenly felt terrible for even showing up in the first place.
“Why’re you still up, Vic?” I asked, avoiding his question entirely. He shrugged his bony shoulders in
return, swiveling a little as he replied,

“I’ve got a lot of homework. Plus I was pretty worried about you, so I couldn’t have slept even if I had
wanted to.”

My stomach turned and filled with butterflies at the same time. I cringed; it still felt like it was melting
or something. I let out a quiet gasp and doubled over on Vic’s bed, and he was beside me in an
instant. He held me up, his eyes wide, as he frantically asked, “K-Kellin, are you alright? Shit, hang on, let me go get my mom. Fuck!”

I shook my head and latched onto him. I liked the feeling of him holding me; I felt safe. So safe.

“I’m fine,” I groaned as he helped me into a sitting position. He glanced to my wrist; I knew he was
looking for the bracelet. I shook my head once again,

“I already took it off,” I informed him in the smallest voice I could. I heard him sigh and felt his body
slump against mine. He rested his head on my shoulder and I looked to him; he never got angry at
me, and I guess that’s a good thing. I wouldn’t be able to handle that, but this was almost worse.

“What was it this time?” his voice was just barely audible. I swallowed the lump in my throat and
shifted my gaze from him, whispering in reply,

“…Bleach. My mom found me on the kitchen floor…”

He sighed again; I think he was close to falling asleep. I really liked his tired voice, there was
something…comforting in it. Well, his voice in general was comforting.

“I’m not going to ask you why,” he began, his speech slightly slurred from how tired he was, “…And
I’m not going to chastise you… I’m not going to tell you it’ll be okay, because I don’t know that… But I
will tell you that I’m here, Kells. I always have been, and I always will be. Remember that, please.”
I tried hard to stop it, but a single tear slid down my cheek. My teeth were clenched so hard I thought
my jaw was going to break, and all I could do was nod my head. We sat in silence for a while longer,
and eventually I felt his breathing become deeper. I smiled a little; he fell asleep. I carefully pushed
myself to my feet and laid him down, pulling his comforter up and clicking the light off, before
whispering a ‘thank you’ and quietly leaving his house.

***

A week and a half passed. I was…okay, I guess. Not really, but that’s what I told everyone. I know Vic
didn’t believe me, but he knew I was trying. It took everything I had not to bring the blade to my skin
each night. All I could think of was him, though. He wouldn’t want me to do it. He really was, in a
sense, my life. My everything. Even if he’d never feel the same about me, I was content knowing that
he cared so much for me as just a friend.

But then, the last straw. My father.

He’d left us years ago, on not-so-great terms with my mother. And even when he was gone, he’d do
anything he could to make our lives a living hell. He succeeded most of the time, too. Lucky for me,
he didn’t put up a fight or anything over custody, so I got to stay with my mom. I know I wouldn’t still
be breathing if I had gone with him. He was a fucking bastard, he always had been.

It was the middle of the night, probably around 1 in the morning, and I was still wide awake. Lying in
bed and staring at the ceiling had become a nightly routine for me. Down the hall, I heard my
mother’s voice. She sounded…really upset. I slowly crawled out of bed and crept down the hall to her
room, pressing my ear to her door so I could hear better. Over and over, I heard her choke out ‘you
can’t take him, you can’t take him’. My stomach dropped. Just hearing those words, I knew who was
on the phone. I knew exactly what he wanted, too. Anything he could do to hurt her, he would.

But he wasn’t going to take me. Not alive, at least.

***

A few more days passed, and things went along as ‘normal’, I guess. I knew what was going on, but
my mom had yet to bring it up. I hadn’t told Vic either; he’d just get super worried about me. I didn’t
want to bother him. I’d been enough of a bother on him, and I was so tired of hurting him. Fuck, I
was tired of hurting, too. I was just tired of everything. I had been for a long time.

My mom was working late, which gave me the perfect opportunity. I slid into the bathroom and
locked the door behind me, a bottle of scotch in hand. I hated the way the shit tasted, but it was the
only alcohol we had. I was going to do it, and I was going to do it right tonight. I slid open the creaky
medicine cabinet and pulled out every fucking pill bottle I could get my hands on, and then I grabbed
the razorblade. Cliché as hell, but it would work.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and climbed into the bathtub; it would be my last chance to tell
Vic everything. I sat, staring at his contact screen for probably ten minutes; there was so much to
say, but I just couldn’t. All I ended up sending was,

“Vic…don’t be weirded out by this, okay? This is the last chance I’ll ever have to tell you this…so…I
love you. I have for a long time. And I’m sorry. For everything.
-Kellin”

I tossed my phone across the room and opened the first bottle of pills. I poured about eight into my
hand and tossed them into my mouth, chasing them down with a huge swallow of scotch. I nearly
choked on the liquid fire going down my throat, but I didn’t stop. Handful after handful, and mouthful
after mouthful, I felt my body starting to go numb. I could hear my phone vibrating across the room.
He was texting and calling me; hell, he was probably on his way to my house at that moment. But
honestly, I couldn’t care in the least. I finished the last of the pills and took one more swig of the
scotch before sloppily tossing the bottle over the edge of the tub.

The numbness was such a great feeling. Even better as I grabbed the razorblade and, without a
moment’s hesitation, dug it deep into my wrist. Deeper than I ever had before. Blood poured from my
arm, not that I could even feel it. I cut again and again on the same arm, growing lightheaded as the
seconds passed. I shakily took the blade into my other hand and repeated the cuts. My arms dropped
limply to my sides; I could feel myself drifting away, and it was honestly one of the best feelings in
the world.

Until I was startled by the loud knocking on the door. Although I could barely hear it, and I couldn’t
only make out a few words, I knew who it was. And I could tell he was crying.

For a moment, I felt bad. I was filled with regret. I felt like the worst person in the entire universe as
I laid there, practically lifeless and listening to Vic try to beat the door down, crying for me to open it.
I couldn’t hold on any longer. A half smile crossed my numb lips and my lead leaned back; the last
garbled sound to leave my throat was the one thing that meant the most to me:

“…V…ic…”