Fear of Flying

As I woke up, it only took a few seconds for the fuzzy details of last night came flooding back. I only remembered bits and pieces of everything. I remembered Alfie and the lad’s playing, but only like half a song. I remember Mary making out with Tommy. I remember wanting to kiss Alfie before Harry picked me up. I remember Harry giving me a piggy back ride and me telling him he smelled incredible.

And I remember kissing Harry and pissing him off.

That’s when my headache hit.

I really fucked things up last night. Why did I think it would be okay to kiss Harry? Worse, I also told him about hooking up with Alfie. I can only imagine what he thought of me.

I rolled over to look at the time, maybe I could sneak out of his house and catch a bus without running into him. It was only a little after 10 in the morning, but avoiding Harry wouldn’t be happening. Next to the clock there was a glass of water and two Tylenol tablets.

He was already awake.

I took the pills and downed the water, then laid back against the pillows. I stretched, trying to gather myself enough to get up and face my best friend. It didn’t help that all I wanted to do was curl up and fall back asleep because his bed was that fucking comfortable.

But I couldn’t do that. For one, I had a shift at the café later, plus he’d eventually come wake me up if I didn’t come down. I knew him well enough to know that.

With a heavy sigh, I got up and headed to the bathroom first. I avoided the mirror for as long as possible. My hair was a tangled mess and my eye makeup from last night was all over the place. I splashed water on my face, washing off the makeup as best I could. I also snagged a hair tie from one of the drawers under the sing and pulled my hair back in a messy bun before I went back into his room and changed back into my clothes from last night.

After I’d done everything possible to stall leaving the room, I finally told myself to suck it up and go down there.

I padded softly down the stairs and into the kitchen where I found him. He was at the stove, still shirtless might I add, making bacon, the waffle iron on next to him. His back was too me, and his hair was sticking up in different directions, so I guessed he hadn’t been up long. I stood there for a few minutes just watching him. I watched his back and arm muscles flex as he did his thing at the stove. Every once in a while he’d mumble a song under his breath, so soft I couldn’t make out the words.
“Hey,” I finally managed.

He jumped, dropping the fork he was using to flip the bacon and spun around, “Jesus Christ Kennedy! You scared the shit out of me!”

I bit my lip trying to hold in the laugh that was dying to bubble up, “Sorry.”

“Fuck,” he sighed as he bent down to grab the fork before throwing it in the sink and grabbing a clean one. “Make some fucking noise before entering a room.”

“I said I was sorry,” I mumbled as he turned back to the bacon.

“You’re waffle should be done in a minute.”

I walked over to sit at one of the barstools at the counter, “Thanks.” Then it was quiet again. I sat and watched him as he cooked, not sure what I should do or say.

He glanced at me out of the corner of his eyes, “What?”

I pulled my bottom lip out from between my teeth, “How pissed at me are you?”

He sighed, “I’m not pissed at you.”

“I’m sorry about last night. I… I don’t know what I was thinking, but that was out of line.”

He pulled two plates out of the cabinet above him and loaded them with bacon before pulling out the fresh waffle and placed it on one plate. “It’s fine.” He slid a full plate in front of me before he turned his back to me again and poured batter into the waffle iron.

“It’s not fine. You were angry and I pushed. That wasn’t okay.”

He sighed and turned back to me. He took a bite of a piece of bacon, staring at me as he chewed. “I just,” he started as he swallowed, “I don’t- I’m not going to be one of those guys Kennedy. I’m not Zayn and I’m sure as hell not Alfie either. I won’t be one of the lads that uses you, I care about you way too much for that. We’re friends, let’s just… let’s just not complicate it.”

He avoided my eyes as he spoke, which kind of hurt. “I understand,” I nodded.

“You mean the world to me Kenny,” he finally looked at me. “I’m not willing to lose what we have just to ‘have fun.’” He used my words from last night against me and I couldn’t help the wince that crossed my face.

“I hear you Harry. Loud and clear,” I nodded. “We’re friends-”

“Best friends, Kenny.” He corrected, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

The waffle iron beeped then and he turned his back to me as he loaded it on his plate. He came around the counter and sat on the stool next to me and started eating. After a moment I started eating too. There was still this odd tension rolling off Harry, but I chose to because I didn’t know what else to do.

I didn’t realize how hungry I was until I started eating, and it was really helping my hangover. “This is amazing, thank you,” I said halfway through my waffle.

Harry nodded around a mouth full of food. “Can I ask you something?” He said once he swallowed.

When I looked up he wasn’t looking at me, instead he focused on cutting part of his waffle. “Yeah, sure.”

“Last night you mentioned…” he sighed, “What’s up with you and Alfie?”

I knew that was coming. I was just hoping he would have forgotten or just pretended it was never brought up. I sighed, “Nothing. We were just… it was just… It was nothing,” I shrugged. I didn’t know how to explain the Alfie thing without making me sound pathetic.

“It didn’t look like nothing when I pulled up,” he said innocently.

I shrugged, looking into my plate, “Last night I was a drunk twat. Alfie and I are just friends he just…” I set my fork down as I prepared to explain it, “Alfie just offered to help me get over Zayn.”

“’Get over Zayn’?” he repeated. “What’s that even mean?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. He said I could rebound on him if I needed too. We’ve only kissed once,” I shrugged again, “It’s nothing.”

He was quiet for a long moment as my words floated around us, “I don’t want you to get hurt,” he said softly. “Not again.”

I looked up and he was staring at me so intently that it was hard for me to keep his gaze. “I won’t. You don’t have to worry about that. We both don’t have feelings for each other.”

“How can you hook up with someone and not have feelings for them?”

“Why don’t you ask your band mate,” I shot out like a reflex. It shocked Harry into silence, and he looked away from me. “I’m sorry,” I sighed, “That was rude.”

“No it’s not. It was the truth. But to be honest, Zayn cares about you a lot Kennedy. He’s just-”

“Like Perrie more, I know.”

He sighed, “Look, I don’t want to get into the Zayn topic. It’s all we ever talk about anymore.” ouch “But, just be careful with Alfie yeah? You shouldn’t have to use someone to get over someone else. You could, I don’t know actually try to move on.”

“I’m trying alright?” I picked up my plate and brought it to the sink. “It’s only been a month, and I think I’m doing alright for how short of a time it’s been. It doesn’t help that I see their pictures everywhere, and all my friends are friends with him. I’m just… I just need a little bit more time.” I set the plate in the sink and turned to face him, “And Alfie and I aren’t even… we’re nothing. I had already decided that I didn’t want to use someone like that, so you don’t have to lecture me okay?”

He nodded, “Yeah, okay. I’m sorry, I’m- I’ve just been worried about you.”

I smiled softly, “And I appreciate it. But I’ve got it handled… I think.”

He gave me a small smile as he carried his plate over towards me to the sink. He kissed my cheek slowly, “Okay,” he whispered. “Now you should do the dishes since I cleaned,” she said with a smirk.

*****

Eleanor walked into the café halfway into my shift. “I hear you threw yourself at Harry last night.”

I looked at her alarmed, “How could you possible know that?”

She scoffed, “Like Harry and my boyfriend don’t gossip just as much as we do. And Louis can’t keep his mouth shut, so he told me.” She glanced up at the menu above my head, “Though, I’m sad you didn’t tell me.”

“I’m sorry? I’ve been at work, I haven’t had time to tell you yet.”

She squinted at the menu, “Can I just get a mocha or something?”

“Yeah,” I laughed as I got to work on making her a drink. “You sound healthier today.”

“Yeah, I’m feeling a lot better.” She leaned onto the counter, fixing me a quizzical glance, “So how was last night then?”

I sighed, “Good, from what I can remember of it. I drank way too much.”

“So that’s why you kissed Harry?”

I shrugged, “I honestly don’t know what the thought process behind that was. But he gave me a nice lecture about it this morning.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh yeah,” I gave a dry laugh. “He went on about he respects me too much to do anything like that. He made it perfectly clear that we were ‘just friends.’”

She looked confused, “He said that? Those exact words?”

“More or less,” I shrugged. “Said he didn’t want to complicate our friendship because we were best friends or whatever.”

“Hmm,” she hummed looking down at the counter in concentration.

“What?” I asked as I passed her her coffee.

“Nothing,” she waved me off as she took a sip. “This is amazing thank you.”

“No problem.”

She sipped her coffee more, “So he really made it clear you’re just friends?”

“Yeah…” I said slowly. “And?”

She shrugged, “Eh, nothing. I just thought he would have gone for it. You guys used to make out a lot before you decided you were better off friends.”

“Well, he doesn’t think like that with me anymore I guess.”

She nodded, “Well what about at the show? Did anything happen with you and Alfie?”

“Nope. And I don’t think it will,” I shrugged. “But Mary hooked up with Tommy.”

Her eyes widened, “Wow, really? Can’t say I saw that coming.”

“I can’t wait to hear from her to see how it turned out,” I said as I moved along the counter to help a costumer that just walked through the door.

*****

Justin let me off early, which was such a relief. I was still feeling a bit like crap because of the hangover that wouldn’t go away.

So I headed to the store to find something epic to make for dinner, but all my hangover was making me crave was pizza. After much debate with myself, I bought coffee ice cream, a box of gushers and a frozen pizza. The ultimate hangover food apparently.

As soon as I got home, I put the pizza in the oven and changed into my pajamas about 2 hours too early. I mean, the sun hasn’t even gone down yet! But I was ready to get comfortable and stuff my face with crap and watch a movie.

I was just cutting the pizza when there was a knock on the door. “Dammit,” I muttered to myself. I was really hoping it wasn’t someone I cared to impress because my joggers has about 15 holes in them and there was a pain stain on this tank top.

When I opened the door, I immediately regretted getting into pj’s early. I was met with a broody, perfectly unshaven face. “Zayn what are you doing here?”

He shrugged, “We need to talk, and I’m not going to wait around for you to stop avoiding me. So… can I come in?”