Fear of Flying

Hey, you’ve reached Harry. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you.

I sighed in frustration as I hung up my phone.

Well, Harry was avoiding me. AVOIDING ME! He hadn’t answer any of my calls or texts or voicemails since the party, which was almost a full week ago. He’s basically fallen off the radar and that just angered me more. If anyone had the right to avoid someone it was me. He was the one that drunkenly attacked my friend for no reason.

“You okay Kennedy?” Liza asked as she came out of the back office into the break room where I was slumped down in my chair.

I shoved my phone back in my purse annoyed, “No. I’m just so done with one of my friends right now.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Nah. It just gets me angrier when I think about it.”

She came over and rubbed my back affectionately, “Well things will turn around. Just keep your head up doll.”

“Thanks,” I smiled sat her gratefully. Liza was always a good comfort even if I didn’t think I needed it. “I’m kind of ready to just write off the male species to be honest.”

She smiled sadly at me, “Is this about Zayn?”

I pushed out a dry laugh, “Actually it’s not. Which is… wow, things have really turned in the past few weeks. But Zayn and I are alright. At least I’m trying to be alright with him. But no, this is about Harry. He’s such a wanker.”

“All men are. The sooner you realize that, the easier life will be.”

“Why will life be easier?” Justin asked as he came into the back room from the front.

His wife waved him off, “Oh you know, when we ladies realize all you men are idiots.”

He froze in his spot as he stared at her with an offended look. But it only lasted a second before a smile took over and he glanced at me, “It’s true, she’s right.”

I rolled my eyes, “I don’t believe that. Especially when you two are in my life, all perfect and all that.”

Liza barked out a laugh and Justin snorted, “Don’t let our façade fool you dear,” Liza said.

“Yeah, I had to chase her all through college before she finally gave me a shot senior year.”

“That’s not true!”

“Oh yes it is.” He looked at me and pointed at his wife, “She friend zoned me for years.”

She scoffed, “Only because you didn’t make it clear you liked me! Men never understand that they have to make it clear they like us!”

I laughed at their little spat, “You two are ridiculous and I love you!”

“We love you too Kennedy,” Justin said. “And whatever guy is giving you trouble, he’s an idiot.”

*****

The longer I didn’t hear from Harry, the harder it was for me to concentrate on anything else. My anger morphed into sadness, though not entirely because I was still pretty pissed. The longer we went without talking, the more I just felt like I was the one that did something wrong, it wasn’t fair and that just made me more sad and in turn, more angry.

“Have you seen him?” I asked Eleanor as we waited for class to start. “Has Louis talked to him?”

She shrugged, “Other than in the studio I don’t think so. He hasn’t mentioned anything. Just let Harry lick his wounded ego. He’ll come around.”

“This is such bullshit,” I muttered as I forcefully threw my notebook open.

“I agree, Harry’s a twat, but,” she shrugged, “You know how he is.”

“I’m so fucking over it.”

She laughed at me, “No you’re not.”

She was right, I wasn’t. In more ways than just what happened at the party. He was all I thought about, while I tried not to act more pathetic and call him any more than I already was. This wasn’t fair, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be innocently getting over Zayn; eating massive amounts of ice cream, and watching movies that would make me cry so I’d feel less pathetic than crying over a lad.

But no, instead I was pining away over my best friend who didn’t even have the decency to pick up my phone call so we could talk though the fight he had with one of my other friends.

It wasn’t fair, and I need new fucking friends.

*****

I had a reality check in the checkout line at Tesco. There on the magazine rack, mocking me, was The Sun with a picture of Harry and Kendall Jenner with a caption reading Kendall comes to London to visit her ‘friend.’

I just stood there, transfixed by the pap shot of them. It wasn’t like it was anything earth shattering, just the two of them walking down the street with coffee to-go cups in their hands and sunglasses on like that would ever be enough of a disguise to throw off the photographers.

They weren’t even touching but I still felt like my heart had been ripped out and stomped on.

It wasn’t even that I was jealous that he was with her (though a big part of me was, I won’t even lie). I was hurt that he was spending time with her while he continuously ignored me.

It hurt. It hurt a lot. I felt betrayed almost, like I was so unimportant to him that he just completely forgot about me once this girl comes to town.

If I ever needed evidence for anyone that Harry was ever out of my league, this right here was proof. I’d never been good enough for him- hell I wasn’t even good enough to be his friend apparently.

Things needed to change, I needed to change. My feelings at least did because all I was doing was hurting myself the longer I let my mind play with the idea of this crush on Harry.

I sucked back the sting behind my eyes and tried to keep it together as I paid for the small amount of groceries I was purchasing before I practically ran out of the store.

When I got to my car I just sat there for a moment in silence as I tried to process everything.

I liked Harry.

Harry was treating me less than acceptable.

I needed to stop this infatuation.

I needed to just let my anger boil over so I could have the motivation to get over it.

A tear escaped as I tried desperately to keep it together. I whipped it away fast and sniffed back the rest as best as I could. I wasn’t going to cry over this. I had no reason to cry over this. If I wasn’t allowing myself to cry over Zayn anymore, which I had every reason to cry over that if I wanted too, then I wasn’t going to cry over Harry.

I pulled my phone out in a moment of weakness and pressed the speed dial for Harry before I could talk myself out of it. It was like, if he answered I could convince myself that he wasn’t being a complete tosser.

It rang until it went to voicemail. I scoffed annoyed as I pressed the end button entirely too hard. I was buzzing with anger as I tried to keep my composure but it was hard. I was hurt, and just so done with this whole situation that I’d put myself in.

I picked my phone up again intending to leave an angry voicemail but was startled when that wasn’t what I got.

“Hello?”

It wasn’t Harry that answered.

Unless he got a sex change in the week that I hadn’t seen him. “Uh, hi?” I stammered, “I, uh…” my mind had completely gone blank.

“Harry’s in the shower but I can take a message if you want.” She didn’t tell me who she was, but I knew it was Kendall. Who else would it be? I felt the stab in my heart at the realization that she was comfortable enough to answer his phone.

“Um, no, that’s okay. I’ll just call back and leave a voicemail if that’s alright?” I felt like a pathetic idiot.
“Okay.” And then she clicked off.

I just sat there and stared at my phone in my lap. Do I call back and leave a message or do I just let it go and move on?

I probably should have just let it go, but I didn’t. Because I’m a glutton for punishment. So I called back and left a voicemail. “Well,” I sighed. “At least I know you’re ignoring me for good reason… I guess.” My voice cracked and it just fueled me with anger. At myself and at him, “Fuck you, Harry,” I said with as much calm as I could force into my voice before I hung up. I knew, as tears started to blind my vision that if I had stayed on the line any longer I would have given him proof that he had broke me.

It didn’t hurt as much as when Zayn ended things, but it wasn’t far off.

I whipped away my tears as I sniffed back my composure. I needed to be clear enough to drive and I hated that I was broken up over this. There was nothing to cry about, I didn’t have a claim on Harry and he was free to do what and whoever he wanted. I just had to get over this little crush.

That could be easy… hopefully.

Then I got an idea.

I scrambled to pick up my phone again and died the number faster than I’d ever done it before.

“Hello miss Kenny,” I could hear the smile in his voice. “What’s up?”

“Can I come over? I need your help.”

There was a small pause, “Are you alright? You sound gutted love.”

I sniffed, “I just need you Alfie.”

*****

Aflie told me not too long ago, that if I needed a distraction, he would be it. Granted he meant it to help me get over Zayn, but he didn’t mind helping me now either. Though it didn’t know, or ask why I wanted to get lost in him, he was just all too eager to help.

So over the next 3 days I threw myself into Alfie. When I wasn’t in class or working I was ‘studying’ with Alfie. Which was only about 20 minutes of actual studying and about 2 or 3 hours of kissing.

He was a phenomenal kisser, so it was all too easy to get lost in him.

Especially since Harry started calling yesterday. He only waited 2 days to call me back after I left that voicemail, but it was too late.

I didn’t bother answering his calls, listening to his voicemails or reading his texts. I wasn’t playing on his terms. This was my life and I was going to do what I wanted, when I wanted.

And right now, all I wanted to do was make out with Alfie. It was so nice to just shut off my brain and mindlessly lose myself if the feel of him. The weight of his body pressed up against mine, and the way his tongue worked with mine and the feel of his hands up my shirt.

Which is exactly what I was doing now. We were in his dorm room with the lights out and This Town Needs Guns were playing out of his laptop speakers. His hand was under my shirt, against my ribs right under my bra as his lips attacked my neck in such a delicious way. My hands raked down his back and pulled at his shirt and he sat up to let me pull it off of him.

We hadn’t gone any further than stripping down to our underwear, and I wasn’t sure if we ever would. I was just content to make out with him and have the feel of his skin against mine and it seemed like he was too.

My phone started buzzing on his night stand and he pulled his lips from mine with a loud smack. “That’s the 3rd time it’s rang in the last hour.”

I sighed, “So?”

“What if it’s important?”

I grabbed his neck to try and pull him back down to me, “It’s not. It’s probably just one of my friends- ignore it.”

He started hissing me again before my phone started ringing again. He pulled away and sighed into my neck, “If you’re not gonna answer it, will you turn it off then? It’s distracting.”

I giggled, “Yeah, move over,” I said as I pushed him off of me. I skipped across his room and grabbed my phone. 4 missed calls: Harry I rolled my eyes, not caring, as I hit the power button to shut it down. “There,” I stated as I walked back over to the bed. Alfie was on his back with one arm behind his head as he looked up at me. I crawled up and straddled his waist, “Now where were we?”

In reply, he sat up and met my lips half way.

*****

I should have known that things wouldn’t just fizzle out and cool down like I had hoped. It never worked like that when Harry was involved.

I had gotten home from Alfie’s a few hours ago, and since I didn’t have class or work the next day, I was nerding out, curled up on my couch having a mega power marathon of Britain’s Next Top Model.
It was late, a little passed 2:30 in the morning when I heard a commotion outside of my flat door. There was stumbling and mumbled voices and a crash against my door. The scratching against the key lock was what got me to jump off the couch, freaking out about possibly about to be robbed.

When I started for the door it flew open, “Harry you can’t just-”

“Kennedy!” Harry shouted when he saw me. An apologetic looking Louis fallowed his friend in as he stumbled over to me. “Kennedy, Kennedy! You need to hear me out!” He shouted before he tripped over his own feel and crashed into me.

I almost crumbled under his weight before Louis pulled him off of me, “I’m so sorry Ken. He’s car parked and wouldn’t stop bitchin’ until I took him to see you. I didn’t think he’s act like this I-”

Harry cut him off again, “Kenny, please! I need to talk to you! Please!” He shrugged off Louis’s grasp on him and grabbed my face in his hands, “Please, just let me explain everything!”

I pulled his hands from my face, “Okay. But get off me,” I held his hand down at his sides at arm’s length. “Go wait in my room, I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Thank you,” he sighed before he stomped down the hall.

I watched him go before I looked back at Louis. He shrugged, “He called for a ride from Funky Buddah. Then he was a rambling twat and begged me to take him to see you. I knew if I didn’t, he’d find a way to come himself so,” he shrugged. “I’ll wait here,” he said pointing to the couch.

I didn’t bother saying anything before I reluctantly walked to my bedroom. When I walked in Harry, who was slumped on my bed, shot up. “Kenny! Look I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you. I was-”

“Save it Harry,” I said holding my hand up to stop him. “It doesn’t matter anymore. Look, you’re drunk and you need to go home.”

His face dropped, “But you always let me stay here when I’m dunk.”

“Well not this time. Don’t you have a friend in town to be spending time with?”

He shook his head, “No, Kendall she- she went home a few days ago. I-”

I scoffed, “So that’s why you suddenly remember my existence?”

“No! Ken, I-”

“Save it. I don’t fucking care.”

He glared at me, “Yes you do!”

“No I don’t! I’m so over it Harry! You attack Alfie for no reason, then ignore me for no reason then parade around town with your friend like I don’t even matter.”

“Are you jealous?”

“No!” Yes. “I just don’t care. It’s so exhausting trying to pretend I matter to you when I don’t!”

“Yes you do! You mean so much to me! I-” he groaned as he raked his hands through his hair. “God, you’re so frustrating!”

I laughed bitterly, “Good. Then maybe you should go.”

“No!”

“Harry!” I groaned, “God dammit, you’re drunk and you don’t even know what you’re saying and-”

That’s when he kissed me. He grabbed my face and crushed his lips against mine- hard. He shoved his bottom lip between mine before I felt his tongue right after it.

It only took me a moment, a long moment I’ll admit, to shove him off, “What the hell!” I shrieked.

He rolled his eyes at me, “I needed to shut you up somehow!”

My heart dropped at his words. Like kissing me was so… so meaningless that he’d just do it so I’d stop yelling at him. “You need to leave,” I said so calm it almost scared me.

He scoffed, “Come on Ken, it’s not-”

“Get out Harry!”

He shrank back like my words had actually slapped him, “Kenny-”

“Don’t fucking call me that! Louis!” I screamed, “Come get him the fuck out of my flat! Please!”

“No, Kenny- Kennedy. Wait, I’m-” He tried to reach for my hand but I slapped it away as Louis came into the room.

I sighed to compose myself, “Louis, please take him home.”

He nodded, “Come on Harry, it’s time to go.”

“No, wait. Kennedy just let me apologize. For all of it, whatever I did. All you’re mad at me for, please,” he pleaded as Louis pulled him out of my room.

I shook my head as I followed them out, “No. Just go home Harry.”

“Kennedy-”

“Mate, you’re only making things worse for yourself,” Louis said as he reached the door. “I’m sorry Ken, I knew this was a horrible idea.”

“It’s fine. I’m not mad at you,” I said I glanced at Harry, who had his head down so his eyes were shielded behind his hair.

Louis hoisted him up more in his arms as Harry drunkenly slumped more. “Kenny,” he slurred. “I’m sorry for kissing you.”

Louis eyes bugged out, “Harry, you didn’t?”

Harry lifted his head and glared at Lou, “Fuck off yeah?” He turned to me then, “Kennedy, I’m sorry. You’re my best mate!”

Yeah, and that’s all I’d ever be. I pulled my eyes from his face, ashamed of myself and annoyed by his presents, “Just go home Harry.”

He let out a mangled sigh as Louis dragged him out the door. “Sorry again Kennedy,” he said as Harry did little to help them both walk out. “He’s just… he’s just in a weird place.”

I shrugged, “Just get him home Lou.” He nodded as I leaned against the door frame as I watched them stagger to the lift.

Harry turned his head to look at me once more, “Kenny, please-”

I scoffed before I slammed the door on whatever drunken, meaningless apology he was trying to give me.

I threw myself on the couch as the tears spilled down my face. I was angry. At Harry, at myself, at everything.

I could still feel the pressure of his lips against mine and it just made my heart hurt even more.

If I needed yet another reason to get over Harry, this was it.