Fear of Flying

Finals were rapidly approaching and I was in full freak out mode.

It’s safe to say that since the start of my educational career, I’ve never been good under pressure. I mean, bullshitting essays the night before, sure- some of my best work! But throw important tests and exams at me that are worth huge percentages of my grade? Well fuck that! I can’t handle that kind of pressure. No matter how prepared I am for the exams or how good of a grade I already have in the class- I still stress myself sick.

I’m prone to slight mental breakdowns and full on panic attacks around finals time, it’s a very well known fact about me.

It’s not pretty.

“How are you so calm?” I whined and dramatically dropped my face in my text book.

I felt him flick my bun at the top of my head, “Because I know this stuff. And so do you, why are you freaking out.”

I lifted my head and glared at him, “You act like this is the first time I’ve freaked out over finals Alfie. I can’t help it.” I was actually surprised he was actually taking studying seriously. But that just stressed me out even more, Alfie studying means this is serious.

“Okay, no more caffeine for you,” he said grabbing the almost empty mug from in front of me. We’d come to Brewed Awakening on my day off to study. It had the best environment for it, and no one would bug us. Plus the steady flow of coffee, tea and baked goods the ever loving Liza kept bring over to us was like heaven.

“I don’ know why I get like this,” I said picking at my blueberry muffin. “Thinking of final exams makes me want to jump off the Thames.”

“Please don’t,” he chuckled. “How else would I get free coffee?”

“You’re hilarious,” I deadpanned as I pulled my notebook closer to go over my notes again.

He sighed, “But seriously, you need to relax, you’re starting to stress me out, sweets!”

“I can’t relax! I feel like I don’t know anything I’ve learned this semester!”

“You get better grades than I do, you’ll do great while I skate by.”

I sighed heavily, “Whatever, let’s just focus please.”

“You know, sex if a fantastic stress reliever. Plus you’ll see so relaxed after a good orgasm.” I sent him a glare. Of course, I already know that sex was a great sex reliever. I remember last year, Zayn was really good at calming me down from a panic attack. I mean, he does this really, really amazing with his hips that- never mind. “I’m in if you’re in!” Alfie continued, I chucked a highlighter at him. He laughed, “Alright, alright. I know you’re shaking up with Harry. It was worth a shot though.”

I scoffed, “I’m not shaking- who ever told you that?”

He downed the rest of my coffee before he spoke, “Who do you think?”

“Eleanor is such a little gossip!” I groaned.

He gave me an amused look, “Have you met her? How is this news?” He tisked, “And you call her your best friend.”

“Shut it. And I’m not ‘shacking up’ with Harry.”

“Well you’re doing something. You haven’t knocked on my door in far too long my love.” I avoided his stare and flipped pages blindly in my text book. “Well I for one think it’s great.”

“You do?” I asked skeptically.

He shrugged, “Yeah, well I’m team Kennedy so whatever makes you the happiest, I’ll always be on board.”

I eyed him for a long moment. The look on his face and in his eyes was so sincere. Typical Alfie to not act like a normal lad and get offended when it seemed I chose another guy over him. “You’re a rare breed Alfred.”

He glared at me, “Don’t ever call me that. I hate that name.”

I giggled, “I had too. It was perfect.”

“So what are you and Harry doing? I’m just curious, you know I like a good love story.”

I sighed as I stole my highlighter back from his side of the table to mark a sentence. “Nothing. Well, not exactly nothing but not something either.”

“Are you guys-” He held his hands up and made a suggestive display.

I smacked his hands apart as John walked up to the table to clear our plates and mugs, “You guys need anything else? Liza’s worried you’re going to stress yourself into a breakdown again.”

I sighed, “I probably will. But no, I’m good.”

“Me too mate,” Alfie nodded, “Thanks.”

When John walked away I glared at Alfie, “No, we’re not having sex,” I said going back to before John came over.

He scoffed, “Well why not? I know you want it, and I definitely know he does.”

“Oh, do you?” I rolled my eyes.

“Yes,” he said matter-of-factly. “He’s been practically marking his territory whenever we’re in the same room. Not that you’re property,” he backpedaled with a smile.

“No he hasn’t.” Wait had he?

He shook his head at me in that ‘aren’t you cute’ manner. “He has. It’s a guy thing, we can tell these things.”

I sighed, “Yeah well whatever. We’re not having sex.”

“Yet.” He shrugged, “What’s wrong with rewarding yourself with a little sexual adventure?”

“Because I’m trying to figure my shit out.”

“Sex will totally help you sort it out! What better way to convince yourself someone is worthy of boyfriend material then taking a test drive between the sheets? I mean, have I taught you nothing over the years?”

I huffed a laugh, “Why are you trying to talk me into have sex with Harry?”

“Well you can have sex with whoever you want. But I think it’s what you need right now. You’re about a few note pages away from a stress induced meltdown, sweets.”

I rolled my eyes at him before going back to trying to study. He was being ridiculous.

“Plus,” he said after a long moment. “When’s the last time you got off? Was it with pretty boy? That was ages ago! Months!” he sounded offended.

“Alfie! Shut up!”

He looked at me in shock, “It has been that long hasn’t it? Oh my god Kennedy! Don’t you flick your own bean?”

“Jesus, can you lower your voice?” I hissed. I saw a guy a few tables away send us a curious glance.

He shook his head at me utterly appalled, “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed in you.”

“Did you just try to guilt trip me like a parent?”

“Yes!” He leaned across the table at me, “Kenny, I demand you get yourself off!”

I scoffed, “Right here, right now?”

He smirked, “Well I wouldn’t object, but no I didn’t mean here.”

I rolled my eyes, “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Well I do! Masturbation is very healthy!”

“Shh! Seriously, keep your voice down!”

“I can’t believe you don’t flick your bean,” he stage whispered again.

I glared at him, “I do. I just don’t talk about it in public! Or with you!”

He looked wounded, “Why not? I’d talk to you about my wanking habits.”

“Please don’t.”

He sighed, “Fine. You’re no fun.”

My phone buzzed on the table with a text from Harry. Going out with Grimmy tonight. You wanna come?

I smiled as I texted back. No thanks. Have to study. Have fun though.

“You’re texting Harry aren’t you? You’ve got a stupid look on your face.”

“Shut up!”

*****
Eleanor left her psych notes on the tube. “This has been such a stressful day and then what do I do? I leave two of my notebooks on the tube!” she rambled over the phone. She had called me hours after I’d left Alfie and was trying to study on my own. “I mean, thank god my communications professor has all the lectures up on his website but I need to borrow your psych notes!”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Can you bring them over now? I’m gonna start studying and I can help you if you want. Repay you with dinner for letting me borrow your notes.”

“I feel like trying to study anywhere Louis is, is counterproductive.”

She huffed in a noncommittal sigh, “Yeah true. But he knows how to cook.”

“I guess you’ve got me there. What’s he making?”

“Whatever you want to get you over here,” she exasperated. She was always, always more calm than the two of us, but that didn’t mean she didn’t get a little metal around finals either (find me a uni student who doesn’t).

“Alright, I’ll be there in a half hour. Tell him I want brownies.”

She hummed, “Alright. I’ll tell Louis to keep his cheek in another room when we study.”

“Thank you kindly.”

*****

I think we got a solid 20 minutes of quiet-ish study time before Louis announced he was having company over.

Then Niall and Stan showed up and took over the living room to play FIFA, loudly as we got moved to the kitchen table. When Zayn and Ant showed up and things just got louder.

“I tried,” Eleanor said.

I shrugged, “I was honestly surprised we got the 20 minutes we did.” There were loud cheers coming from the living room. They were getting pretty loud over a video game, not that I’m surprised. When Louis had company over he never used an inside voice, he got easily excited.

“I could use a study break anyway,” El sighed. “And you look like you could use a few days holiday. You’ve got bags under your eyes.”

“Thanks,” I scoffed.

“Have you been sleeping?”

“Yes, just not restful sleep.” I sighed, “I hate finals. I wish I didn’t get so mental over exams.”

She nodded, “Yeah. I’m glad I don’t share a room with you anymore. Living in the dorm with you around finals time was a nightmare, no offence.”

I waved her off, “I get it.” First year of Uni was the worst. I’d pull all nighters and be living off coffee and energy drinks and basically driving her nuts.

“You just need to stop over thinking it.”

“Easier said than done.” I grabbed a brownie off the plate at the end of the table and dropped it on a napkin to pick at. “Few more days of studying, then the exam and then we’re done. I’ll have a few months to relax.”

“You have summer plans yet?”

I shrugged, “Nothing set in stone. I know I’ll go to Greece for a bit but I haven’t figured when yet.”

“We need a girly trip, just the two of us.”

“You can come to Greece with me.”

She perked up, “I like that idea!”

We were discussing possible (and cheep) girly holiday locations when we heard footsteps coming our way and then Zayn appeared in the kitchen doorway. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Eleanor and I said in unison. God it was unfair how good he always looked. He made not shaving for a few days look like an art form! Seriously, how does a patchy almost beard look that good on a person? Like he could not shower for a month, wear dirty clothes and I think the world would still find him attractive. The leather jacket and tight jeans he was wearing now sure wasn’t helping anyone. He was like staring at the sun kind of attractive. Stare too long and you’ll go blind. Perrie was one lucky lady.

“Want a brownie?” El offered.

He nodded and sauntered over and grabbed a baked good. “Finals?” he asked gesturing to our books and notebook.

El hummed as she smacked her text book closed, “Yep.”

He looked right at me then, “How are you doing? Have you been sleeping? Panic attacks?”

It warmed my heart how worried he looked. I shrugged, “Not major freak outs yet, thanks.”

“You looked wrecked.”

I rubbed my eyes to hide the eye roll, “Much thanks.”

Eleanor’s phone started ringing and she sighed, “It’s my mother. I’ll be back,” she said as she left the kitchen to answer the call leaving Zayn and I in silence.

He finished off his brownie as I skimmed over a paragraph I’d already read 3 different times today. “Come outside with me?”

“What?” I looked up, “I’m kind of studying,” I said dumbly.

He smirked and nodded, “I see that. Take a break, you need it. Come outside with me, I need a smoke.”

I sighed as I rubbed at my eyes again, “Alright.”

He walked over to the sliding glass window that was off the side of the kitchen and opened it. He looked at me expectantly before I got up and walked out with him. He led me over to the side of the house and pulled me down to the ground with him so we were leaning on the siding. It was a bit chilly out, but warm enough that my long sleeve shirt was enough. It was dark enough that you could see a few stars out.

We sat in silence for a moment before he pulled something out of his pocket and dropped it into my lap. It was a ziplock bag with a joint in it. I chuckled, “You wanna be my dealer Zayn?”

“If it’ll make you relax for 5 minutes, then yes. I always worry about you when you get like this.” He took the bag from me and pulled the joint out. I watched as he placed it between his lips and shuffled around in his pockets before he pulled out a lighter. It took him a moment to get the joint properly lit, but once he did he took a hit and passed it to me.

I hated the taste of pot, and the first toke was always the worse. But I knew it would calm me down, at least a little bit so I inhaled enough to make my lungs ache and held it in for as long as I could before I blew the smoke out. I managed to only let out two little coughs.

“You’ve gotten better at this,” he said as he took the joint from me.

I hummed, “You and Alfie are terrible influences.”

We sat there and passed the joint back and forth until I decided I’d had enough. I didn’t like getting too high, just enough to feel my limbs relax and my thoughts slow down was the best. Just a slight head buzz. He put the rest of the joint out and put it back into the bag and we just sat in silence enjoying the high.

“You were a trending topic today,” Zayn said breaking the silence. When I looked over I noticed we were sitting in similar positions. Our head leaning back against the house looking up at the sky, though his eyes were closed.

“I was?”

He hummed in confirmation, “Well not just you. You and Harry. You’re ship name.”

“Oh,” I said turning back to the sky. “That’s weird, I wonder why.”

I felt him shrug, his shoulder brushing mine as he did. “Why does anything trend. It’s usually at random or there’s a picture or some rumor out.”

I sighed contently, the weed completely relaxing me. “Yeah probably.”

“I like your ship name though. ‘Hennedy.’ It sounds like Hennessey,” I could hear the smile in his voice.

I giggled, “It is a nice name I guess. Better than ours. I should have known we’d never make it with such a terrible ship name.”

“Rylik wasn’t the best of names, I agree. Using our last names wasn’t the best move I don’t think.”

“Kind of sounds like an STD,” I giggled.

He laughed, “I wonder who just decides these names. Who gets the final say?”

“Zerrie has such a better ring to it.”

“That was a creative one.”

I turned to look at him and he turned his head and opened one eye at me and smiled. “So how are things with you guys?” I paused, “Is this weird to talk about together?”

He shrugged, “I don’t know. We’re not exactly normal are we?” I shrugged. “Things are good though, with Perrie.” He lifted his head and gazed across the yard with a dopy smile on his face.

“You really like her huh?”

He bit his lip and smiled bashfully before glancing at me, “I really do.”

I could tell he wanted to say more. I elbowed his arm, “Oh don’t get shy on me now Malik, pour your heard out.”

“I just don’t want to say something that’ll hurt you,” he mumbled.

I sighed as I took in his words. “You won’t. I think I’ve come to terms that we were never meant to be anything more than friends. I mean, were you the best lay I’ve ever had? God yes,” I blushed when I realized what just escaped my mouth but I continued on anyway. “But you’re also one of the sweetest, nicest lads I’ve ever met. I can talk to you about anything without you judging me and I need that kind of thing in my life.” I sighed as I ended my rant, “Was I hurt, and maybe a little bitter before? Yes, and I’m sorry for that. But I think… I think I’m okay now.”

I couldn’t read the emotion on his face as he stared at me, but he finally smiled when I stopped talking. He reached over and laced out fingers together, “You know I love you, Kenny. I mean, I’m not in love with you, but I love you.”

I giggled, “I may be a little high, but I do know the difference between loving someone and being in love with them.”

He sighed contently as he played with my hand in his, trapping it between both of his. “I’m in love with Perrie,” he said matter-of-factly.

“I know.”

He looked me funny, “How do you? I just figured it out myself.”

“Because I can see it in the way you look at her.”

He pondered this for a moment. “Is it any way like the way Harry looks at you?”

“I, uh,” I was stumped. “I have no idea.”

“You guys are together, yeah?”

I shook my head, “No.”

“No?” he sounded surprised. “I just thought… since he’s always at your flat that…” he trailed off.

I shook my head, “I don’t know how to be with him, so… I’m not.”

“What does that even mean?”

I shrugged, “I can’t figure out why he wants to be with me. Isn’t that fucked up?”

“Yes,” he said with no hesitation. “You’re an amazing bird. Why is that so hard for you to understand?”

“I’m not his type.”

“And you know his type?”

I nodded, “Yeah, really fit models. Or, well, other famous women.”

“You don’t see yourself like everyone else does. You’re gorgeous Ken. But that’s not the only reason Harry’s in love with you. You guys have this connection you know? I could feel it when we were hooking up. It’s why it was so easy for me to tell myself not to get emotionally attached. It wasn’t just because Harry told me he loved you, but I could feel it from you too.” He flexed his fingers between mine, “You two understand each other in a way none of us can seem to understand.”

“You guys have talked about this?”

He smirked, “What do you think we do in the studio when Harry’s recording?” he joked.

It was my turn to look out across the backyard. I tried to process his words but it just kept getting jumbled up. This probably should have been a conversation we had while completely sober, but there’s something about not being afraid to say what you really need to say you know? “It still kind of feels wrong though, you know? Being with him I mean.”

“Why? How?”

I shrugged, “Because I was with you. It just feels wrong that I go to another band member.”

He shook his head, “None of us would ever judge you over that. Besides, you may have been with me, but you were always Harry’s.”

“It just has the potential to be very messy.”

“That’s just love babe. It’s always messy, no matter what.”

“I guess.”

He chuckled and wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into his chest. “It’s okay to love him,” he said into my hair. “You just have to have no fear and jump in head first.”

I wrapped my arms around his waist and settled into him, “You make it sound easy.”

“It’s not, but it doesn’t always have to be so complicated.”

We sat like that for a while longer. Leaned up against each other, his hand at my hip while mine was lazily across his lap, head on his shoulder- it was nice. It actually felt okay to be like this with him and not freak out how this may bite me in the ass later. It was like I reached a good place with Zayn again.”

“We should go inside,” he whispered. “It’s getting colder.”

I chuckled, “And they probably think we left or something.”

I sat up and he could stand and then he reached his hands out to pull me up. Once I was up he didn’t let go though. Instead he pulled my arms behind his back and pulled me into a hug. We only stood there in the embrace for a moment, but it I could have stayed in that hug for hours. He gave the best hugs. “I’m glad we’re good again. I was beating myself up for a while there.” He kissed the crown of my head before he pulled away.

I smiled up at him, “I’m glad we’re good too. I’ve missed our talks. Well face to face talks. Texts aren’t the same.”

He chuckled, “I agree. Come on,” he nodded to the sliding glass door. “I could really go for a brownie right now… of 5.”