Fear of Flying

With all the stress of finales and the excitement of… current events, I had completely forgot that Harry was jetting off to LA with Louis and Liam to do a writing session for a week. The morning he left was bitter sweet because I was so used to him just being around all the time.

It had been three days since he left and four day since we’ve been having sex. Not that we’ve been having a lot of sex… just twice. But I mean, it’s kind of a thing now… I think.

I already missed him. He’s been gone for 3 days and I already missed him! My tiny flat felt sufficiently empty without his presents at night and now that we’ve been physical it felt like he took a piece of me with him across the ocean.

IT WASN’T FAIR! I’ve never felt like this before, not when Zayn would leave, not even when my parents moved! This feeling made me anxious and stressed out but it was also like I craved it.

But he had called a handful of times and texted. It was like he was trying to make sure I didn’t have time to miss him even though I did. When he woke me up this morning at 9am, I didn’t even care I was just glad to hear his voice.

“Isn’t it late for you?”

I heard him sigh tiredly, “It’s just after 1 in the morning, yeah.”

“Yeah, well its 9am here, thanks,” I tried to sound bothered but I wasn’t. I just curled up deeper into my covers and listened to his voice.

“I know, I’m sorry. I just… didn’t want to go to sleep without hearing your voice.”

His words pared with his deep throaty voice that gets a grovel to it when he’s tired completely made me swoon. Which sucked because it just made me crave him and miss him so much more. “I miss you,” I whispered, almost afraid to admit it out loud.

I heard him shuffle. I imagined his was lying on his bed in the hotel with the phone pressed to his ear and maybe even a goofy smile on his face to match mine. “I miss you too, Kenny. I wish you could have come but Louis was adamant about this being a lad’s week.”

“Yeah well, it’s sweet of you to want me there. I couldn’t afford it either way anyway.”

“You know I wouldn’t have let you pay to come here.”

I sighed, “And I wouldn’t have let you pay either. So we would have been in a standoff wouldn’t we?”

“I would have won,” he stared confidently.

“You think so?”

“Mhm,” I could hear the smile in his voice. “All I would have to do is suck on that sensitive spot on your neck and I could have convinced you.”

I shuttered at his smug words, “It’s really dangerous that you know about that spot.”

He chuckled, “You know about mine, it’s only fair.” He was making it so hard not to think about his lips and hands on my skin now. The last thing I needed was to get all hot and bothered so early in the morning when I didn’t have him next to me.

“We should change the subject.”

“Why? I rather like the topic,” now there was no denying the smug smile on his face. I could hear it clear as day in his voice.

“Harry,” I warned.

“So you don’t want to hear about how all I’ve been thinking about his being next to you? Kissing you? All of you?”

“I swear I’ll hang up,” I warned.

“That I’ve been thinking about the morning I left and how I made you shake?”

“Harry!” I whined, “Please stop. This isn’t fair.”

“I want you Kenny.”

“Fuck. Off,” I said through clenched teeth. My lady bits were tingling now with want. “You’re just horny.”

“Kennedy,” the way he said every syllable of my name in a deep grovel set my whole body on fine. “Not true. I mean, yeah I’m horny but I really, really miss you.” God, did his voice have to sound so sexy?

I sighed which came out more like a whine, “Fine, you win. Let’s do this.”

He let out a full bellied laugh, “I always win, babe.” He sighed, “I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too. Now back to you wanting to kiss all of me…”

*****

Eleanor and Alfie showed up at work a few minutes before I went on my lunch break. “I’ll make you guys some coffees if you sit with me,” I bribed.

“I’m sold,” Alfie declared. He was always so easy to persuade.

El shrugged, “We came to see you anyway obviously.”

“You’re friend is really hot,” Eddie said as he watched Eleanor and Alfie sit at one of the corner tables.

I laughed as I started making their coffee, “You say that every time she comes in here.”

“And it gets more true every time I see her!”

“She’s taken.”

He sighed, “Yeah I know. I can’t even compete with her boyfriend either.”

“Either way, I don’t see them breaking up like, ever so just keep your focus elsewhere.”

He mused this over as he helped me make coffee orders, “I’ve got a date with Mary.”

“Shut up!” All my attention was on him now. “What did this happen? When are you going out?”

He shrugged, “We’ve been talking you know? I just asked her and she finally said yes. We’re going out tonight.”

“This is so exciting! Does Liza know? She’s going to flip!”

“No, I haven’t told her for that reason!”

I scoffed before running into the back room, “Justin! Justin get your lovely wife on the phone!” I said skipping into his office.

“Why?” He laughed as he turned round in his chair to look at me.

“Mary finally said yes to a date with Eddie?”

“It’s about damn time!”

Eddie ran into the office, “Don’t call her! She’ll run down here and bug me about it!”

“All the more reason to call her,” I shot and he sent me a side eyed glare.

“I hate you, Ken.”

“You love me,” I mused.

Justin laughed at our comments as he picked up the phone, “I’m calling her. She’s been rooting for you guys since you started working here. I think we all owe it to her to share the news.”

Eddie’s shoulders slumped and he groaned, “Fine. But I swear if she gets too excited about it, you need to reign her in Justin!” he declared.

“I will, promise.”

“Well I’m going on lunch,” I announced. “I’ll be here, so I can whiteness any freak outs from our lovely boss.”

*****

“I’m having a party,” Eleanor announced as I sat down.

I pushed their coffees in front of them. “You are? When?”

“Tomorrow night. It’s at the house, and I’m having everyone over, so you’re attendance is mandatory.”

I scoffed, “I wouldn’t miss one of your parties.”

“We were just checking,” Alfie said. “You’ve been spending your free time texting Harry and all,” he said with a smirk.

“You guys are having sex aren’t you?” Eleanor asked. “Don’t even deny it, I can tell.”

“It’s obvious.”

“Especially after the ride home from the club,” she chimed.

I glared at both of them, “Bit me.”

“So tell me,” Alfie said leaned over to table closer to me. “Who’s the better band member? You know, in bed?”

“Alfie!” El and I exclaimed in unison.

He scoffed at El, “Oh come on, like you’re not even a little bit curious,” he accused. She sent me a fleeting look but kept quiet.

“Eleanor!”

“What? I do like a bit of gossip!”

“We’re not talking about this!”

Alfie laughed, “My money’s on Zayn, he looks like he’d know what to do.”

“And Harry doesn’t?” I shot.

El laughed, “So you’re saying Harry’s better than?”

“No, I’m not answering this question.”

“I bet I’m better then both of them,” Alfie mused.

“Well someone’s over confident,” Eleanor said under her breath.

He sipped his coffee, “Well I’ve never had any complains.”

“So who’s coming to the party?” I asked changing the subject. “What time should I be there?”

She shrugged, “I’m sending out a mass text tonight. Plus I figured you’d just spend the night. Then tomorrow we can go out and get food and drinks and all that. Alfie said he’d get the band to play.”

“You’re going all out, aren’t you?”

“Yep,” she cheered. “It’s gonna be great.”

*****

After work I stopped at my flat for clothes before heading over to Eleanor’s house. “I wanna order Chinese,” she announced when I walked in.

“No one’s stopping you.” I dropped my stuff by the door before falling onto the couch next to her.

“Well I wanted to make sure you were cool with eating it.”

“I’m starving, I’ll eat anything right now.”

She ordered the takeaway and we sat and talked and planned for the party tomorrow. When the food finally arrived, we settled back on the couch and flipped through channels on the tellie.

I don’t know what it is, but every time I’m at Eleanor’s while Harry’s out of town, we always seem to stumble on some gossip show talking about him. As usual, I always feed into the need to know. “Go back!” I demanded as she flipped past a channel with a picture of Harry.

“Kenny, don’t,” she warned as I grabbed for the remote and turned back to the show. They were showing a bunch of pictures of Harry out with very, very pretty women over the few days he’s been in LA. Funny, he’s never mentioned going out at nights, he’s always said he’s so tired after all the writing that he just crashes as soon as he gets to the hotel. I don’t know why, but clearly he’d been lying to me and I hated that I felt like I’d been stabbed in the hard over it. It wasn’t even just one night, it was a bunch of pictures from different nights and as if it wasn’t bad enough, Kendall Jenner was in a bunch of them. He was even driving her car!

The icing on the cake was when they started putting the pictures of him and Kendall next to the pictures of him and me, then discussing the ‘possible’ two relationships. “Okay, Ken, we’re done!” Eleanor exclaimed before ripping the remote out of my hand and shutting the tellie off. “You know not to believe any of whatever they’re saying.”

“I wasn’t even paying attention to what they’re saying. The pictures said enough.”

“Kennedy-”

“Don’t. I just,” I sighed. “Let’s not talk about it.”

“I think we should.”

“No.”

He sighed heavily, “Don’t make a big deal out of this. Don’t push him out, talk to him. Please don’t run from this like you always do.”

Her words stung. “Thanks,” I said bitterly.

“You know I’m not saying that to be a twat. I’m trying to stop you from ruining something great.”

“How can this be great?” My voice wavered and it made me feel even worse. I didn’t want to be this affected by pictures, but the tears were flooding my eyes. “I mean, why didn’t he tell me he was going out instead of always saying he was going straight to the hotel? He has no reason to lie to me.”

“I don’t know Ken, maybe he thought you would act like this,” she said gently.

“It would be better to hear it from him than the media.”

“I don’t want to make it worse but… he’s not your boyfriend.”

I scoffed, “I know. And this is why he can’t be!”

“Ken-”

“No!” I whipped away a tear that had fallen. “It’s not even him, it’s me. I’m so insecure about myself that I can’t even handle seeing him with other women!” I felt so gutted coming to this realization. I was more fucked up than I realized. I don’t know why I thought I could do this with him. I mean, he trusts me to go out with Alfie without freaking out, and yet I see him with Kendall and I become a complete mental case. “I can’t do it El,” I whispered feeling defeated. “I should have never let this get to where it is, I can’t be what he wants.”

She looked about as broken up as I did and it made me feel even worse. “Kennedy, he loves you.”

“I know. But he shouldn’t. I’m shit and he’s- he can have anyone he wants and-”

“He wants you, babe.”

“For now,” I sniffed. “But when he finds out I can’t handle all this he’ll wise up.”

She reached over and grasped my hand tightly, “Ken, you’re in lo-”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” I cut her off. “Please, I just, let’s talk about anything else. Let’s watch a movie.”

She sighed defeated. She knows me so well that she knows when I shut down like this, there’s no way around it. “Alright, let’s watch a movie.”

*****

I had been tossing and turning, trying to sleep in Eleanor’s guest room when he called. It was a few minutes shy of 3am, 7pm for him. I debated about just letting it go to voicemail, but I physically couldn’t do it. “Hey,” I answered.

“Hi, I know it’s late, sorry.”

“I was awake.”

He was quiet for a moment, “What’s wrong?”

I hated that he knew my ‘tell’ or whatever, as he’s said before. I hated lying to him anyway but he made it so much harder. “Nothing, I’m fine.”

“No you’re not,” he said softly. “You sound gutted. What happened?”

“I just,” I sighed sadly. I didn’t want to do this, but I knew I had too. I couldn’t just string him along. “We can’t do this.”

“…do what?”

“This, whatever this thing is between us, Harry. We can’t.”

I heard his breathing stop and it broke my heard even more. “Why not? What have I done?”

“You haven’t done anything. It’s me.”

“It’s the pap pictures, yeah? I was going to tell you about that! I wasn’t hiding it from you-”

I stopped him, “It’s not that. Well it is, but not for the reasons you think.”

“Look I won’t hang out with Kendall anymore alright? Just don’t-”

“I don’t want you to stop hanging out with her Harry,” I sighed. “You can do whatever you want. It’s me, yeah? I can’t- I can’t give you what you want.”

“Yes you can,” he urged.

I whipped my face as silent tears fell, “I can’t. I’m not-” I broke off in a frustrated sigh. “I can’t handle this. Seeing you out with all these models and actresses I-” I had to stop to hold back a sob. “I can’t stop comparing myself to them. I can’t stop thinking about how you could so easily drop me, and that’s not healthy.”

“Kennedy, please,” he said in a broken whisper. I wanted to chuck myself off a cliff, I really did.

“I’m so sorry Harry.”

He sniffed, “You’re breaking my heart, Kenny.”

I choked on a sob, “I know. I’m breaking my own too.”

“Then don’t do this.”

“I have too. I’m fucked up, I’m sorry.”

“Ken-”

“I have to go,” I cried. “Let’s just take some space,” I said before I hung up. I dropped the phone to the bed but it instantly started ringing and it just made me completely come undone and I was rocked with sobs.

He kept calling, over and over again for 20 minutes and I kept crying. I was completely wrecked and I hated myself for this. I wanted nothing more than to answer the phone and take it all back, but I couldn’t.

I felt Eleanor crawl onto the bed behind me. She reached over and grabbed my phone, shutting it off before it could start ringing again. “You’ll be okay Kennedy,” she whispered as she wrapped her arms around me from behind and held me as I cried. “It’ll be okay,” she kept whispering.

I wanted to believer her but I couldn’t. As long as I was still so self destructive to my own happiness I wouldn’t be okay. I was in love with Harry but I just couldn’t be with him because I’m too fucking insecure.

It would never be alright.

*****

I was probably the first person drunk at the party. I had been throwing back shots like candy and even went drink for drink against Niall, which was probably one of the stupidest ideas ever. I skipped happily through the party, meeting people, talking to people I already knew, sneaking around to smoke a bowl with Alfie and avoiding my best friend because I didn’t want her to mother me.

I was leaning on Grimmy, more for support to stand than anything else, when Zayn found me, Perrie right behind him. “Oh my god Perrie!” I pushed passed Zayn and hugged her. “You are so pretty!” I purred.

She laughed, “Thanks love. How much have you had to drink?”

“My teeth are numb,” I mused. “So a lot! When did you guys get here?”

“We’ve been here for about an hour. There’s just a lot of people here.”

I nodded, “There is. A lot of alcohol too,” I sang. I rested my head on her shoulder, “You’re so fantastic Perrie. You’re taking care of our boy, yeah?” I pointed to her boyfriend in front of us. He was blurred, so I just guessed he was right there.

She pushed my hair out of my eyes, “I am. Maybe you should drink some water babe.”

“Are you okay Ken?” Zayn asked, pulling my drunken weight off his lady and into his side. “I haven’t seen you this pissed in a long while.”

I hummed, “Yeah, well tonight called for it.” As is on cue, my phone started ringing in my pocket for about the 50th time that day and I reluctantly pulled it out. Of course it was Harry, he’d been calling all day and all I could do was ignore him. “Fuck,” I sighed. “I need a drink.”

“No, I think you should be cut off,” Zayn said. “Harry’s calling Ken,” he said pointing to my phone.

“I know,” I groaned. I shoved my phone at his chest, “Here, take the phone I can’t with it anymore. I can’t talk to him.” I pulled out from under his arm.

“Harry?” he answered my phone.

I tuned him out, “I need some air.”

“I’ll come with you,” Perrie said gently and linked her arm with mine as we moved through the crowd to the backyard. I let her lead us out into the yard and sat us on a pool chair away from most of the crowd. “Here, I nicked you a water on the way out,” she said handing me the bottle. “Are you okay love?”

I took a few sips before answering, “I’m so far from okay I can’t even come up with something cheeky to say about it.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I glanced at her over heavy eyelids, “Are we on that level?”

“We can be,” she shrugged. “You’re friends are worried about you. Eleanor said you aren’t doing well.”

I scoffed, “She’s such a mamma bird.”

“Zayn’s worried too and so am I. Did you notice how he was watching you in the kitchen? It’s why we came over.”

I hummed, “No. I try not to notice him out of respect for you.”

“Well I appreciate that,” she smiled.

“He’s in love with you,” I hiccupped before taking another sip of water.

“I know, he told me.”

I swayed and she caught me, “Good. He’s happy, I’m glad he has you.”

“Well I’m glad he has you. He’s been happier since you fixed your friendship, you know.”

I sighed, “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Am I pretty enough for Harry?”

I may have been drunk, but I couldn’t miss the pure shock that crossed her face. “What?”

I shrugged, “Never mind.”

“No, no. Of course you’re pretty enough for Harry.”

I focused on ripping the label off the plastic bottle instead of her eyes. I was already burning with embarrassment. “I don’t think I am.”

“Oh.”

“I’m in love with him,” I admitted. “But I can’t be with him.”

She was quiet for a minute. Her arm that was around my waist tightened as I swayed a bit more. “Why can’t you be with him?”

“Because he makes me feel insecure. He only dates these models and actresses, beautiful people like you. I can’t compete with that.”

“Oh babe,” she said sadly. “You’re gorgeous. Harry would be lucky to have you.”

“I appreciate that, but I don’t believe it.” She didn’t say anything but rubbed slow circles in my back as silent tears flowed down my cheeks.

I didn’t know how long we sat there, but soon Zayn dropped down to his knees in front of me looking more than worried. “Ken?”

“I wish I could be with him,” I admitted.

His eyebrows pulled into a frown, “Come here,” he said as he wrapped his arms around me, cradling me into his chest.

“Is Harry okay?” I heard Perrie ask softly. Zayn didn’t answer but I already knew. He wasn’t okay because I was a terrible person.

“I’m sorry for ruining your night,” I cried into his shoulder.

“You didn’t babe,” he promised.

I sniffed as I tried to focus on stopping the tears for a few mintues. He held me close as rubbed my back. I felt Perrie rest her hand on my knee, “I really like Perrie.”

I felt him chuckle, and I heard her giggle from next to me. “I think she likes you too.”

“I can’t believe I’m the crying girl at the party,” I sighed as I sat up. I whipped my face and Zayn gave me a small smile. “I ruined your shirt.”

He shrugged, “It’s fine.” He reached up and whipped a few stray tears with his thumbs.

I turned and kissed Perrie on the cheek, “I’m sorry for being a freak.”

“You’re not babe,” she smiled and rubbed my back. “You’re amazing, and I wish you realized that.”

“Me too,” Zayn chimed in.

I glanced back and forth at their sincere faces. “God you two set the bar high,” I scoffed.

“Whaaaat?” Zayn dragged out.

“You’re like the worlds perfect humans!” I declared.

Perried laughed, “Yeah, you need more water,” she said as she stood up. “I’ll be back.”

Zayn took her seat and pulled me against him. I dropped my head to his shoulder and we sat in silence for a minute. “He hates me doesn’t he?”

“No. He’s confused and hurt, but he doesn’t hate you.”

“I’m in love with him,” I admitted for the second time. “I just wish I could be the person he wants me to be.”

He kissed my head and rubbed circles into my shoulder, “You’re the person he wants and more Kenny. You just don’t realize it.”

More tears were threatening to fall but I held them back. “I’m afraid I never will.”

“You will. I know you will, you’re just a bit lost right now.”

“Yeah, but it’s too late, I’ve already hurt the one person that cares the most.”

He hugged me closer to him, “He’ll forgive you.”

I didn’t say anything back. I knew if I did, he’d argue me down, but I didn’t want that. I knew the truth and I knew how bad I’ve hurt Harry. There wasn’t any coming back from that.