Fear of Flying

Harry hadn’t texted or called since the party when I drunkenly pawned my phone off to Zayn. I don’t know what that phone conversation consisted off, but I’m pretty sure Zayn knows everything now.

That party was a complete mess and everything was a complete blur really. I remembered my breakdown pretty clearly though. It was a very sobering moment after all. I felt like shit for ruining Zayn and Perrie’s night, even though they both insisted that I hadn’t. If you would have told me 6 months ago that I would have confessed my love for Harry to the girl Zayn dropped me for I would have thought you were mental.

But here we are.

Perrie was so sweet to me at the party and tried so hard to make me feel better and help me sober up. I think that maybe we were almost friends. Well as close of friends as two people who’ve been with the same lad could be, I guess. Just the fact that she had no ill feelings towards me and my friendship with her boyfriend spoke volumes on her character. She was a far better human being than I and I wasn’t even ashamed to admit that.

Over the next few days I tried everything to keep busy. I never thought I’d miss the distraction of classes but it was hard to find things to occupy my mind rather than thinking of Harry and the fact that he’d be home sooner than I was ready for. That and the fact that he hasn’t tried to talk to me, I don’t know if I was more relieved or saddened by that.

So I worked, and covered shifts, I even bugged Mary and Eddie about their date in detail. I hung out with Justin and Liza in the back when I was off the clock, helping them organize things even when they both insisted that I go home.

I had called my mother and told her everything, well, mostly everything about what had happed and how I was feeling about it all. She sounded just like my friends though, wishing I’d see myself in a better light. But it was hard to change a mindset I’d been stuck in for god knows how long.

Then there was Eleanor. I’d gone shopping for new bedding just for the simple reason to redecorate my room and even let Eleanor convince me to buy a new chair for the flat. Basically anything to keep her from pressing me for how I’d been feeling but it never worked. After the party she was right worried about me, and I couldn’t blame her. She made sure to keep constant tabs on me with phone calls and texts and dropping in. Same with Zayn, though thankfully he kept his probing through the phone. I was thankful for their constant meddling even if it wasn’t necessary, but the only person I wanted to talk to I had pushed away.

Today was even harder than the last 3 days. Because today I knew Harry would be coming home. I didn’t know when they’d be getting in, and I had to hold myself back from asking Eleanor but I’d be lying if I hadn’t checked twitter to see if any of the fans had spotted them anywhere. I got off of that pretty quickly though when I kept seeing rude comments about me and my association with Harry and Zayn (apparently I was trying to steal Zayn away from Perrie right from under her nose. Who knew?).

They were assholes and they could S my D, to be honest.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come over?” Eleanor asked for about the 10th time through the phone.

“No El, I’m fine,” I assured. “I really don’t want to cock block Louis on his night back from being without you for a week.”

She sighed, “You know he wouldn’t mind.”

“No, he’s just too polite to say otherwise. I’m good, you enjoy your day.”

“Fine, alright. But if you need anything you call me.”

I groaned, “I’m fine!”

“You’re not. It may not be technically a break up, but it’s a break up.”

“Goodbye Eleanor.”

“Bye,” she huffed before hanging up. She really did mother me sometimes.

I appreciated her invite over but I knew if I went over there, it’d just make it more clear that as soon as Louis walked in the door, Harry would be home. It was better to just say in the land of uncertainty if you asked me.

That, and I just wanted to lay on my couch and watch a marathon of The Village and drool over how fit Nico Mirallegro is to keep my mind off things. Anything than thinking about my best friend who I just couldn’t wrap my head around being with… if I could even call him my best friend anymore.

I didn’t move from the couch much all day except to make more tea and grab another bag of crisps. It was the life really, good way to spend a day off if you ask me.

About half way through the last episode of The Village though I heard a key turning in the lock on my door. My heart lodged itself in my throat, there was only one person who had the spare key and who would show up unannounced after 9pm.

Harry.

I shot off the couch just in time to see him walk in. He shut the door behind him slowly, never taking his eyes off me. He looked angry. Angry, and sad and tired. He had bags under his eyes and his hair was all over the place and his clothes were wrinkled. He looked very intimidating to be honest.

Plus the glare he was giving me didn’t help matters any. He let out a frustrated sigh before angrily tossing his duffle bag across the entry way. I jumped when it forcefully hit the wall, eyeing it before looking back at him. “I am so fucking cross with you right now,” he said in a low voice. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this mad before. “I’ve done everything! Given you time, I haven’t pushed you into anything and yet you choose to rip my heart out!” he shouted. “You can’t just call me up when I’m across the world and just break my bloody heart. You can’t do that Kennedy, it’s not fair!”

“Harry-”

“You can’t just let me in,” he continued. He wasn’t going to let me say anything. Which I guess was fair since I hadn’t given him a chance the other night. “You can’t just let me be with you and then just rip it away!”

I was trembling, trying to keep all my emotions in check. “I’m not good for you Harry.”

He scoffed, “No you’re not. You’re better. And I’m willing to spend all my time trying to convince you of that.

“I’m not letting you do this,” He crossed the flat in four long strides until he was right in front of me. “This concerns me too, and you don’t just get to decide that we’re done. If you really want to stop this, you’re doing it to my damn face,” He grabbed my face between his hands and made me look at him, “I’m not letting you push me away. I know you’re insecure about being with me, and even though that drives me absolutely mental, I know you can’t help it but I will spend all my time proving to you that you mean so much to me and that you’re the only person that matters.” He dropped his forehead against mine, “I love you Kennedy. I’m in love with you and I can’t just let you shove me away without fighting for it. If you really want me gone, if you really don’t want to be with me then I’m gonna need you to say it to my face. Right now, and I’ll leave.”

The fair thing for him would be to tell him to leave. I wasn’t the person who could be strong for him and I knew he needed someone like that with the way his life was. But he was right here, fighting for me, holding me close. He was telling me how much he cared and how much he was willing to fight my insecurities because he loved me. Because of that, I couldn’t make those words come out of my mouth. My reserve was crumbling and the need to be selfish and keep him with me was getting stronger. “I don’t want you to leave,” I whispered. The unbelievable urge to cry was crawling up behind my eyes but I didn’t want to break down, not right now. “But I can’t be the girl you want, Harry.”

His hands dropped from my face and grasped at my hips to pull me against him. “You already are though Kenny. I just wish you could see that.”

The tears came then and I wrapped my arms around his shoulder and pressed my face into his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” I managed to get out before a sob took over. I sucked in a deep breath to keep myself from fully losing it. “I’m sorry I’m all fucked up.”

His arms wrapped tightly around me, cradling me to him. “I wish you wouldn’t push me away.” He kissed my neck softly, “I hate that you compare yourself to others. You’re beautiful and smart and you don’t need me or anyone else to tell you that. You need to believe it yourself because it’s true.”

I wanted to believe it. I really, really did, but it would take more than words from everyone else for me to believe it. I had a lot of inner demons to work through to get over my insecurities. “I don’t deserve you,” I mumbled into his shoulder. “Especially after the other night.”

“You can think that all you want, Kenny, but you’re deserve everything.”

“I love you.” I didn’t have to think about it because I knew it was true. It was why I was fighting against myself so bad.

His fingers that were rubbing against my back froze. “What?” He pulled me away from him so he could stare into my eyes, “What?”

The way he was staring at me made me so nervous, “I- uh, I love you.”

“You love me?” he looked genuinely confused by my words.

I bit my bottom lip nervously, “Yeah.”

A hint of a smile graced his face before it was swallowed by a confused frown once again. “Then why was it so easy for you to just shut me out?”

“Because,” I sighed. “It wouldn’t be fair to you for me to just hold on when I’m not sure of how to handle myself with you.”

He cradled my face in his hands again, “I just want to be with you, yeah? I know it’s going to be hard, it is hard. But I think letting you push me away would be harder.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing. Just tell me you’re still with me, that we’re still going to work at this.”

I nodded slowly, “Okay. I just, I’m gonna have bad days, I’m going to try and fix this mental handicap, but it’s not an overnight thing.”

“I’ve gathered that, Ken. I know.”

“Can you forgive me?” I felt really guilty for how I acted the other night. I really didn’t understand why he was here right now fighting to get us back on track after I’d hurt him like that.

He sighed out a little laugh, “You’re more than forgiven Kenny.” He leaned in and placed his lips on mine softly. I opened my mouth to make the kiss deeper and he followed along. He only let it last a too short moment before he pulled away. “So you love me?”

My stomach fluttered and I couldn’t fight the smile off my face. “Yeah, I love you.”

The biggest smile ever stretched across his face. “Good. Because I love you too. And I’m not excepting us to jump into anything, we can still just taking it one day at a time, that’s fine. I just want to be with you, you know?”

I nodded before kissing his lips quickly, “Yeah, I know.” He pulled me into another kiss, instantly deepening it as he pulled me so tight against him. “We should go to bed,” I said against his lips. “You look knackered.”

He hummed, “Yeah, I’ve been a little stressed out.”

“I’m sorry,” I sighed.

“Stop, its fine,” he kisses me. “We’re okay now,” kiss. “Right?” Kiss.

“Yeah, come on.” I extracted myself from him, going to turn the lights and tellie off before I pulled him to my room.

“You got a new bedspread,” he said as soon as we walked into my room.

I laughed, “Yeah. I was a bit restless the past few days.”

He stripped down to his briefs and I grabbed the flannel he’d just taken off and put it on to sleep in. We crawled into my bed and he pulled me into him, his fingers instantly starting twirling random pieces of hair. He sighed comfortable on the pillow next to me smiling softy at me, “It’s gonna be okay, you know. You just have to talk to me.”

“Okay.”

“If you’re freaking out over someone I’m papped with, you can talk to me about it. I don’t care how ridiculous you sound, because you will because I don’t even look at anyone else, but I want you to come to me.”

I reached for the hand on my hip and laced our fingers together, “Okay I will. I’m going to work on this because I wanna be with you, I really do. Just, your life is overwhelming. I’m used to it, but only as your friend.”

“I know,” he nodded. “And I’m not going to throw you to the wolves alone, or before we’re both ready. None of them even matter Ken. Just us.”

I hear what he was saying, but all the beautiful women he’s been with flashed across my mind. “I know, it’s just-”

“Relax Kenny. I can see the anxiety on your face, just stop thinking about. Please.” He brought our clasped hands up and kissed across the back of my hand.

I took a deep breath to relax myself and push all the negative thoughts from my brain, “Alright, anxiety is gone for now.”

He smirked softly, “Thank you.”

“So, how was writing?”

He shrugged but I could see the light in his eyes at the mention of his music. “It was good. We made a lot of progress. Liam and Louis are writing machines.”

“I’m excited for your new album.”

“We still have a long way to go.”

I shrugged, “I know, but I’m excited for you guys.”

“You know what I’m excited about?” he asked with a massive cheesy look at his face.

“What?”

He grabbed at my hips and pulled me closer to him. “You told me you love me,” he whispered in my ear.

I turned my face and captured his lips with mine. I just wanted to kiss him and kiss him until I didn’t know how to do anything else. Just shut the world out completely and just be in the moment with him. I wanted to be in a world with him where it was just him and me and lips and hands and no outside comments and insecurities. Just us. “I did miss you so much,” I said against his lips. “Sleeping alone when my bed smells like you is such a tease.”

He laughed into my mouth, “Is that why you got new bedding?”

I moaned lightly as he rolled me on top of him, “Well kind of.” He so slowly kissed down my neck. “But I also wanted something new,” I shuttered as he nipped at my neck.

He kissed my neck for a short time longer before resting back against the pillow. Still holding me against him as he looked up at me, “I’ll be honest, this isn’t how I figured this night would end, but I’m glad it has. I was ready to fight all night. I had bullet point topics in my head and everything.

“I’d totally like to hear those,” I mused.

He snarled at me, “I bet you would,” he said smugly. He kissed my lips again, his tongue doing wonders to distract me.

He rolled us back on our sides and I pouted quietly against his lips. “I could kiss you forever,” I mumbled.

He gave me one last slow deep kiss before he settled back on the pillow looking so tired and content. “I’d let you, you know.”

I lightly ran my thumb over the dark circles under his eyes, “We should sleep.”

He hummed, “Okay.”

“I’ll make you breakfast in the morning,” I promised as he snaked one of his legs between mine. “I own you.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” he mumbled as he slowly rolled us so I was on my back and he used my chest as a pillow. “But I’m not one to turn down food.”

I giggled lightly as I ran my fingers through his curls, “Are you comfortable?”

“Yes,” his hand pushed up the side of his shirt I was wearing and rested his hand on the skin of my hip.

“Okay,” I said contently, my body already relaxing into sleep.

“M’kay.” He kissed my exposed collarbone, “G’night my love.”

I scratched lightly at the back of his neck, “Cheese ball.” I could tell he was slowly falling into slumber.

“Mhm. Love you,” he slurred.

Butterflies shot through my chest, “Love you too.”