Fear of Flying

Harry was acting weird. I hadn’t seen him since I came back from Zayn’s and he was asleep in my bed and that was 3 days ago. He said he was busy with writing and studio stuff but I couldn’t help but feel like it was something else. His texts were weird.

Like, he hadn’t texted me first at all, and when we did text, his were short and it took him a super long time to reply in the first place. And he always had an excuse for not coming over at night or letting me come to him. Like “oh I’m just gonna crash at Grimmy’s” or “no, don’t worry about coming over, I’m gonna be writing all night anyway.”

I wasn’t sure what I did, but every time I tried to ask him what was wrong, he’d brush it off like I was paranoid.

“I just don’t get what his issue is!” I groaned in annoyance. I was draped over Alfie’s futon at the band house. I came over to crash band practice, than after, knowing something was bothering me, Alfie dragged me up the stairs to talk.

He hummed after my words, “Well, I’m no good a girl talk as you know, but-” he paused for dramatic effect, “Maybe he’s just busy? I imagine being in a massively famous band would make one a bit busy.”

“Well yeah, but he always makes time for me, even before we were… whatever this is,” I shrugged.

Alfie nodded slowly, “Maybe he’s bothered about you and Zayn going to a concert for your birthday?”

I scoffed, “That can’t be it,” at least I don’t think it would be. “We’re past that, at least I thought we were. If he had something to say about that, he’d tell me.”

He shrugged, “Well you didn’t tell him about it, maybe he thinks you’re keeping it from him.”

“But I’m not!” I practically shrieked. “It’s just not a big deal, and it hasn’t come up!”

“How has it not come up? ‘Oh by the way Harry, going to a concert with Zayn for my birthday, should be fun, anyways, let’s have sex.’ So easy to just bring it up Ken.”

I scoffed, “You’re mental.”

He shook his head at me as he got up to change the record. Because, yes, he was that pretentious hipster who preferred using a record player. “I think you and Harry just like all the drama.”

“Since when did you become so judgmental?” I asked just as A Day to Remember starting playing through the surround sounds speakers. “And since when did A Day to Remember have vinyl?”

He shrugged, “Everyone’s doing vinyl again, it’s cool.” He dropped himself back on the bed next to me, “And I’m not being judgmental. I’m just saying, it’s like you two do things the hard way on purpose.” He sighed, “If you really want to know what has his tight jeans all in a bunch, call him out on his shit. Ask him what’s wrong, and don’t let him change the subject.”

“What is this, tough love?”

“Tough love is all I do,” he smirked. “If you know what I mean.”

I gagged, “Ew, gross.”

He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. “But all I’m saying is like, you’re adults. Cut the shit and just be real.”

“You make it sound so easy for a guy who’s never had a relationship.”

He scoffed, “I may not have had a real relationship, but I have had relations with a handful of birds. I know how to keep everything as drama free and painless as possible. You and Harry could really learn a thing or two from me.”

“Like how?” I rolled my eyes.

“Like just being real with each other. Story hiding your feelings or letting outside influence taint what you have. Or could have, if you let it.” He sighed, “I know his life is way mental and he has almost no personal life because of it, but if you really do love him, you’ll make it work. Stop finding excuses to ruin something good.” It was rare that Alfie was ever this serious with me and it was a real eye opener. He grabbed my hand reassuringly, “He makes you really happy. Don’t let it just slip away because you can’t man up.”

I knew he was right, I just didn’t know how to not be completely terrified about Harry and everything that comes with being with him. Being just his friend has been stressful as it is, and the few pictures of us together recently had stirred up so much attention that it was pointless for me to even go online anymore. Like, media attention and negative attention from his fans was scary as hell but I knew it wasn’t fair to hold that against him. “So what should I do?”

“Just go figure out what he deal is,” he shrugged. “If he’s pissed about something, call him out on it. Don’t let him just shut you out, you two do that way too much and it’s exhausting.”

“But it’s not that easy!” I whined.

“No, it isn’t. But in the long run, it’ll make things easier.” He smiled, “Trust me Kennedy. Have I ever led you down the wrong path?”

I gave him a flat look, “Do you really want me to answer that?”

“Okay fine! But this time, seriously, just trust me. You know I’m right.”

“Yeah, it’s just… confrontation’s not my thing.”

He snorted, “It shouldn’t be anyone’s thing but sometimes it’s necessary. You can do it.”

“You have too much faith in me.”

He smirked, “Someone has too.”

*****

While I was hanging out with Alfie, I got a call from Eddie, asking if he could take my shift at the café to score some extra hours. It was almost a relief to not to have to go into work, it gave me an excuse to actually clean my flat since I always put it off to my days off, but then never want to actually do anything on my days off.

Which is why, instead of going home to clean, I hung out with Alfie and the band for a bit longer. The lads even made this kick ass early dinner, which I’ll never turn down delicious food made by attractive guys willing to cook and clean! Tommy is probably the best cook I’ve ever met. If the band thing ever falls through, he could have a career as a chef, seriously!

I was also a bit down from the serious conversation Alfie and I had, plus the fact that I still hadn’t heard form Harry all day even though I had texted whim twice. Overall I was just totally down to stuff my face with stake and veggies and listen to the lads banter about the last show they played that I had missed.

Later that night when I walked into my flat, the first weird thing I noticed was that the living room light was on. I never leave any lights on when I leave my flat, because what a waste of money that is (this is growing up)! And then I heard shuffling coming from my room which sent my heart into my throat because please be one of my friends, this is not how I want to die. “Hello? Harry is that you?” There was no reply, but the shuffling stopped for a moment before continuing, faster.

I scrambled for the bat I kept under my couch, because, hey I was a single young woman living alone in a city- you needed a bat in this rape culture we live in! I took a deep breath before I scurried down the hallway towards my room.

I readied the bat and smacked the door open. Harry jumped up from the floor with a shriek at the crack the door made against the wall, causing me to scream at the commotion. “Jesus, why do you have a bat?!”

“You didn’t respond when I called out! I had no fucking idea who was in here!”

“Give me that,” he growled and snatched the bat from me and tossed it aside. “Fuck, you scared me.”

I looked around as he went back to what he was doing. There was a duffle back on the floor in front of him that he was stuffing things into. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” His voice was off and he was moving around quickly, grabbing things within reach and then it all clicked together.

The headscarf that had been bunched on my nightstand was gone, along with the necklace and rings that had been sitting there for over a month. All the random pairs of jeans and shirts that had been scattered across my floor mixed in with mine were gone, shoved deep into that bag.

This caused my heart to lodge itself back into my throat, “Are you doing somewhere?”

He didn’t turn around, just sighed, “Yeah, I’m going home.”

“To your moms?” He didn’t answer. He just stood up and walked into my bathroom and started grabbing his things from there; His brush, toothbrush and cologne. I fallowed after him and stood in the doorway and watched him, “Harry!”

He winced and stopped his packing. He shut his eyes tight before he said anything. He looked so pained and it did nothing to stifle my anxiety. “No, I’m not going to my moms,” he said softly before he finally looked at me. “I’m going home. Back to my house.”

“With all your stuff…?” I sounded so stupid right now, but I couldn’t wrap my head around what was happening.

He turned from my and threw the last of his stuff in his bag before zipping it up. “I give up Ken. I can’t do this anymore.”

I felt like the breath was sucked out of me. “I- Harry I don’t understand,” I hated my voice for cracking, I really did.” He walked past me out of the bathroom. I noticed he made the effort not to touch me at all. “Harry!” I called out to him in a pathetic desperate plea.

He stopped in the middle of my room and his shoulder slumped, the bag falling off his shoulder. “Why didn’t you tell me about the concert?”

“What?”

He turned around and his face was completely unreadable. “With Zayn, why didn’t you tell me he got you guys’ concert tickets?”

My stomach flipped but not in a good way. “I uh, I didn’t think it was a big deal,” I shrugged, “I wasn’t trying to hide it.”

“You sure about that?” His brows furrowed into a hard line.

“Of course! We’re just friends, it’s not a big deal.”

“Not a-” his voice rose before he cut himself off. “Just forget it. I’m leaving until I say something I shouldn’t.”

I reached for his bag just as he did and pulled it out of his reach, “Harry stop. Talk to me, what’s going on?”

He looked so tired and defeated. He wouldn’t even look at me. “I’m just, I’m tired of this.”

“Of what?” I just needed him to get to the point, he was driving me mental. Just looking at him with the way his shoulders were slouched and how pained he looked made me want to cry.

“Of this!” he exclaimed. “Whatever the fuck we’re doing, this friends but more shit.”

“Harr-”

“No,” he cut me off. “You don’t want to be with me for real, but you have no problem having sex with me and telling me you love me and having all my stuff at your flat. I don’t get it Kennedy! And now your friendship with Zayn,” he scoffed.

The way he said ‘friendship’ like it was a complete joke made me sick. “What’s that supposed to mean!?”

“If you’re just friends, why the fuck is there all this secrecy? You never even told me you guys were talking again! I had to find out through everyone else! And I never held that against you, but now this? What the fuck Kennedy!”

I winced at the level of his voice. “Please stop screaming at me.”

He sighed and lowered his voice, “Do you still have feelings for him? Is that it? Is that why you keep hiding this from me and why you won’t let me call you my girlfriend?”

“He has nothing to do with us!”

“Doesn’t he though? The only reason we’re both even here right now is because he picked Perrie over you and we both know that.”

“That’s not fair-”

He cut me off again, “Life isn’t fair! Believe me, I’m living in unfair right now!”

I honestly didn’t know what to say to him right now. This was one of those moments when I’ll figure out something to say later and kick myself for not saying it now. He was angry and not in the mood to listen to me anyway. I had no idea he thought that the only reason we were a thing was because Zayn. “I’m sorry you feel that I’m hiding things from you, that hasn’t been my intention, it’s just,” I shrugged, “I have no excuse.” I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t just with him because of how things with Zayn and I didn’t work out. I really did, but I didn’t know how to properly say it.

He rolled his eyes, “I’m trying to be okay with you being friends with him. But I can’t with how you act about it. It makes me feel like shit, and I’m just done.”

“Done,” I repeated in a broken voice. He couldn’t be done, he said he’d wait. I mean, I knew he wouldn’t forever, but I at least expected a little longer than a few months. I was trying so hard here and it just… didn’t matter apparently.

“Yes, done. Done being your warm body, done being the guy you’ll sleep with at night but refuse to go on a date with. You say you love me but your actions speak louder than your words.”

“I didn’t know you felt that way,” I said softly. He never hinted that our set up was hurting him, not once.

He ran his hand through his curls, “I was trying to pretend I was fine so that maybe I could trick myself into actually being okay with it. But now I just… I can’t anymore. Not when you keep hiding Zayn like he’s your dirty little secret. It’s like you want people to think you’re sleeping with both of us.”

His face went into shock as soon as the words left his mouth. “Excuse me?”

“Nothing, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I just- I need to leave before I say another thing I’ll regret.”

“Harry, wait!” I called after him as he walked out of my room.

“Just let me go Kennedy. Just, just give me some space. This isn’t working for me and I just, I need to figure some shit out.”

I stood a few feet away from him as he paused by my door. “How much time?” I knew it was selfish of me to be worried he wouldn’t be around for my birthday in 2 days.

He shrugged, “I’m not sure.”

I felt like I was gonna crumble onto the floor. “Harry I- I’m just- I’m sorry.”

He turned away from me as my voice broke, “I know you are Ken. But I still just- I need to go.” He turned and walked out of my flat, closing the door softly in a very Harry way. Even when he was pissed off he couldn’t be that rude.

My tiny flat seemed even smaller and emptier as I stood in the entryway and I knew my room would feel even worse with all of Harry’s stuff gone. I knew if I stayed here tonight, I’d drive myself mad and I just wasn’t ready to think about how real this whole situation was. So I grabbed my purse off the floor where I dropped it before grabbing the bat and tore through it to find my phone.

I clicked on her name just as my eyes starting to water and I knew I was only minutes away from sobbing. “Eleanor?”

“Kennedy, what’s wrong?” She asked immediately, hearing the wobble in my voice.

“Everything,” I said pathetically. “Can I come over?”