Fear of Flying

I woke up in a Louis and Eleanor sandwich. Louis was spooned behind me with his arm draped over my waist and Eleanor’s, who was in front of me, tucked into my front.

When I got here last night, they both sat with me and let me cry it all out. Even Louis, who I know is somewhat on Harry’s side. Hell, even I’m on harry’s side!

I felt like crap today, from crying all night and heartbroken over picturing the look on Harry’s face last night- defeated and let down. I definitely wasn’t in the mood for a concert with Zayn tonight. It sucks because I was so excited and now all I wanted to do was cocoon myself in bed and never leave it.

Slowly and carefully I rolled over onto my back. “You awake?” Louis asked softly.

“Yeah. Sorry, did I wake you?”

“No,” he stretched and rolled onto his back as well. “I’ve been awake for a few minutes.” He sat up slowly, “You want a cuppa?”

I yawned, “Sure.”

We both left Eleanor sleeping peacefully in the bedroom and made our way out to the kitchen. Louis gestured for me to sit on a stool at the island while he puttered around the kitchen, getting the tea and setting up the kettle.

We were both quiet as he got everything read and I couldn’t decided if it was a comfortable silence or an awkward one. “Two sugars, yeah?”

“Yeah thanks.” We were quiet again after that as he finished up our tea but I felt like the weight of everything was just lying heavy against my shoulders. When he slid a mug of steaming tea in front of me, I finally sighed and slouched into myself. “I’m sorry.”

He looked up at me with a surprised expression, “For what?”

I shrugged, “For all of it. For coming here last night a mess, for hurting your best friend, I mean, I could write you a list.”

He smiled slightly as he shook your head, “You don’t need to apologize, love. Honestly, don’t feel bad for coming here; El’s your best friends. Harry may be mine, but I still care about you too, you know that.” He sighed, “I do wish you and Harry would stop this back and forth thing though. It’s not fair to either of you.”

I nodded into my tea, ashamed. “I know. I just don’t know how.”

“Try verbally communicating for one. You both just like to keep all the problems just bottled up and and smile on the outside like everything’s fine until everything eats you alive and you break.”

I couldn’t help the small chuckle that escaped my lips, “That is a strangely accurate way to put it.” I smiled, but I didn’t feel like smiling. Everything has just gone to shit this year and I feel like all I do is apologize to my friends for running to them when I’m an idiot. I just want things to be easy, but I don’t know how to make that happen. Obviously, it’s not just me who has trouble communicating.

“Do you think maybe Harry’s issue is that you haven’t like, I don’t know, become an actual couple?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“Why is it that you’re so hesitant about it? Is it because you’re afraid he’s gonna hurt you? Or the whole, like, none of us can have a life without billions of people snapping pictures and giving input like they have a right to have a say?” He grimaced bitterly as the last comment.

I gave him a sympathetic look. “Well, yeah all of that I guess.”

“I know being with one of us is hard. You’ve seen Eleanor go through you, you’ve gone through it just being friends with us.” He sighed, “But Harry really loves you. I’ve never seen him in this deep about anyone.”

“I know, but it’s just like… how can we be together for real when I’m still so insecure he’ll dump me for some better looking model or actress. Or how he’s so weird that Zayn and I are friends now. It just feels like no matter what happens, we’re a disaster.”

Louis shrugged, “What relationship isn’t a disaster though? You’ve seen and been there when El and I lose our shit with each other. Just because you’re in love doesn’t mean everything is always perfect. It’s a struggle, and it’s hard, but it’s so, so worth it Kennedy. I can promise you that.”

“I know,” I groaned pushing my tea mug away, not interested anymore. “You and El have both told me this. Actually, everyone has! I just,” I sighed. “I don’t know what to do.”

“You’ll figure it out. I mean, Harry may be mad right now, but he’ll come back. I’m sure he’ll show up to your birthday movie night tomorrow.”

I rolled my eyes but smiled, “You know we really don’t have to have a big movie night. I’m fine with just hanging out like any other day.”

“Absolutely not!” he glared at me. “Eleanor and I are very excited to host this thing! I even bought a projector and everything!”

I snorted a laugh, “You bought one cause you wanted one.”

“Sure,” he shrugged. “But your birthday was the best reason to actually go out and buy it! And everyone’s coming and we’re all excited.”

“Who’s everyone?”

“You know, everyone! The lads are coming, Eleanor invited Alfie and his band, your work friends.” He shrugged, “You know, you’re people.”

“’My people,’” I mocked. “But okay, sounds fun.”

“Yeah, so don’t party too hard with Zayn tonight, yeah? Don’t want you still hungover tomorrow night.” I watched as Louis finished his tea, mine was still half full just sitting there. “When are you meeting up with Malik anyway?”

I shrugged, “No idea. Sometime later is my guess.”

“Should be fun though, yeah? I mean, I’ve only heard like 2 of the lad’s songs, but he sounds cool. What’s his name? Childish- something?”

“Childish Gambino,” I offered. He’s an actor too. On that show Community.”

“Right,” he nodded. “And you know Z will have prime weed for the nights festivities. If you’re looking to just let it all go for the night.”

“I totally am,” I nodded.

*****

I spent longer than I’d like to admit getting ready that night. I was torn between not caring and just focusing on being comfortable and dressing up because I was going to meet Donald Glover! I chose a happy medium and wore nice skinny jeans and a dark blue tank top and a leather jacket.

I was in the middle of fighting a brush through my hair when I heard a few knocks on the door, then it being pushed open. “Kennedy?”

“You’re early!”

I heard him laugh before he walked into my room, “By like 15 minutes.”

I gave up with the brush and pulled my hair up into a loose nun. “That’s 15 minutes I still have to get ready.”

Zayn shrugged as he sat on the end of my bed, “You look fine to me.”

“You always say that.”

“Because it’s true.”

I hummed in response as I focused on putting some eyeliner one. “Are we getting food before we go? Because I’m starving.”

“That was the plan. I kind of wanna smoke a bowl before that, if you’re interesting.”

“I’m 100% okay with that. It’s my birthday celebration and I have no intention of being sober tonight.”

“So getting to you high, and probably drunk and getting you food. Got it, I know what my job is tonight,” he smirked.

I finished with the eyeliner and deemed myself as good as done. I twirled around and grabbed my ratty old converse and sat next to him to put them on. “I’m so excited for this. I really need a night of just-”

“Letting go?”

“Exactly.” I didn’t want to hurt tonight. I didn’t want to ruin this with worrying about Harry and how I was going to fix us. I just wanted one night to let go.

*****

I don’t think I’ve ever been this high in my entire life.

We smoked before dinner.

We smoked in the parking lot of the arena before going in.

And we smoked with Donald Glover. The Childish Gamino shared a blunt with me! Me, for my birthday! He was so nice too, one of the nicest people I’ve ever met I think.

My head was so in the clouds with excitement and smoke that nothing, literally nothing could ruin this night.

“Do you wanna get a drink before his set?” Zayn spoke loudly in my ear over the music playing between sets and the chatter of the crowd. We were hidden backstage, but all the noise still found its way back here. We’d just left Donald’s dressing room to leave him to get ready and find a place to stand for the show. Crew members were running round and yelling into headsets all around us, and even though I was used to it at 1D shows, it was still a lot for me to take in with the state I was in.
Having alcohol mix with the high I already had was probably not the best idea, but I was beyond caring. So I just nodded and we made our way over to the catering area, where the opening acts and the entourage were already drinking. We mingled here and there, but I couldn’t pay attention enough to hold a lengthy conversations.

Eventually Zayn and I made our way to the side of the stage, behind a few amps to stay as hidden as possible and felt the anticipation of the show. “You excited?”

“Yes!” I practically shrieked. “I still can’t believe you did this!”

He laughed, “I knew I had to get you something massively epic for your birthday. It was just fate that this all fell into place!”

“Well you’ve set the bar so high for everyone else, I’ll be honest.”

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a side hug, “Good!” We shared a laugh just as the lights dimmed and the intro music filled the arena.

*****

Here’s what I remember…

I remember attempting to rap as fast as Childish Gambino with Zayn, and laughing a lot, and getting more drinks between songs.

I remember feeling so happy that I was watching the show with Zayn after thinking I’d never have a friendship like this with him after what happened. He was seriously one of my best friends and I don’t know what I did in a past life to deserve the people I have in this one.

I remember Zayn texting someone on his security team to meet us because a few people in the crowd had spotted and recognized him.

I sort of remember the end of the set, but not really. Actually leaving the arena and the drive home was a blue of images.

So I didn’t remember getting to my flat, and stripping down to nothing but my underwear. So when I woke up to the mid afternoon sun beaming down on my face, I was instantly hit with a headache, and my whole body was sore so I knew that last night was a blast.

Then when I checked my phone, I saw that I had called Harry three times and texted him once around 4:40am.

I couldn’t for the life of me remember if he’d answered, but if the text (with an embarrassing amount of typos) was any indication, I’d say the answer was no.

Haryy answer the phone ii lobe you!