Fear of Flying

I regretted bringing his stuff back in person. I should have just mailed it or something.

Walking into his house made me nauseous. I was hit with his sent as soon as I step past the threshold, and I could practically feel him breathing on my neck from behind me. I wasn’t sure how I felt being here. I wanted to simultaneously turn around and bury myself in him and never leave, and keep him the fuck away from me forever. That’s what he did to me- just a simple look (or his smell apparently) and he could make me want to forget all the hurt and angry I had toward him and just cuddle up on the couch with him and never leave.

I slowly made my way into his living room- my anxiety growing with each step. I was already keyed up from him jumping behind my moving car, but knowing that no matter what outcome this ‘talk’ would bring, I knew getting there wouldn’t be easy. I stopped abruptly and spun around, not wanting to go further into the room, and almost collided with the box of stuff Harry had grabbed where I dropped it. He scowled at me, “Would you relax and just come sit down for a second?” He moved around me and placed the box on the coffee table before turning towards me again.

I crossed my arms over my chest, “You don’t have to be a complete wanker. You’re the one that wanted to talk.”

“Yes,” he said exasperated. “I want to talk, but can you lower the guns, and just tone down the drama for about 5 seconds so we can?”

I dropped my arms with a big sigh of defeat. “I’m really mad at you.”

“I know.”

“No, I don’t think you do. This is different than all the other times, Harry!” I explained. “You missed missed my birthday! No, no, it’s worse than that! You planned this huge amazing surprise party for me and then didn’t even bother to show up!”

“I know-”

“Stop saying you know, because you really fucking don’t.” I took a shaky breath, because I was getting worked up and I really wanted to walk out of here with my dignity and without crying. “Before everything, you’re supposed to be my best friend,” I said in a small voice. “But you haven’t talked to me in what feels like forever, and then didn’t even show for my birthday! Not even a phone call. Not even a ‘happy birthday’ text.”

“I was hurt!” he exclaimed. “I still am actually!” He ran a hand through his hair roughly, “God, Kennedy it’s not always about you! You aren’t the only one that gets to feel things in this.” He flung his hands between us, “whatever the fuck this even is.”

I crossed my arms defensively again, “Well it’s nothing now. You made that pretty clear when you told me how ‘done’ you were with me.”

“Kennedy, what the fuck am I supposed to think? You say you can’t be with me because you can’t wrap your head around the fact that I’m in love with you, yet you’ll have sex with me, you’ll tell me you love me- you share a bed with me almost every night! That’s so much more intimate than sex, and you know it! But you still won’t let me call you my girlfriend!” he yelled. “You won’t go out in public with me because you don’t want to let people know we’re- we’re,” he broke off without finishing the sentence. “But you’re go out drinking and partying with Zayn? What exactly am I supposed to think Ken? You practically told me with your actions that he’s the one you actually want to be with.”

“I don’t want to be with Zayn! I got over that a long time ago and you know that.” I rubbed at my eyes annoyingly, “This is why I needed time. Yes, it was because I could wrap my head around the thought of us, but also because I didn’t want you to think this was just a rebound to me!” I sighed, “God Harry you mean so much to me! So much, because you are one of my best friends and I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t in my life.” I took a deep breath to calm down, my voice had started to shake with emotion and I needed to compose myself. “But Zayn is one of my best friends too. We have a history, yeah, but I won’t apologize for that Harry. The feelings I once thought I had for him are gone now. He’s in love with someone else, and I’ve never seen him so happy. I’d never want to ruin that for him and I’d never want to hurt you like that either.”

“Then why were you hiding your friendship if that’s really all it was?”

I shrugged, “I don’t know. I didn’t really think I was. I didn’t think it was worth bringing up because I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“How would you feel if I was hanging out with someone I’ve been intimate with?”

“You do hang out with girls you’ve been with,” I pointed out. “And I understand that a lot of that you don’t have a choice over, because it’s part of your job, but you are still friends with a lot of them, and you’ve explained it to me. Does it bother me? Yeah a little bit, but I trust and respect you enough to let you do what you want to do. Why can’t you give me the same courtesy?”

Everything about him slumped at my words. He sat down on the couch then, hunching over to run a hand through his curls. “I’m sorry. I know that’s not fair to you, I know there’s a double standard there and I just- it’s so hard for me to see you around him when I know you used to be intimate with him.” He shook his head, “No, it’s more than that. You used to be in love with him, at least you thought you might have been.”

He sounded so sad admitting this and it broke my heart to see him so run down by it. I couldn’t see how to fix this, if it was even up to me to fix it. “I’m not sure what you want me to do Harry. I can’t go back and change the fact that I was with him.”

“I know you can’t,” he said to his lap. “And I can’t change the fact that every time I see you two together I just picture,” he grimaced before rubbing a hand across his face, “I can’t help but picture you two together.” I was silent to that. There wasn’t anything I could say to make this any better. “God, why does this feel like the end?” he asked in a whisper.

I clenched my hands into fists to keep tears from falling, “Maybe ‘cause it is.”

“Don’t,” he warned.

“Well what do you want me to say? I can’t go back and change what happened anymore than you can stop thinking about it.” We were both quiet for a long, tense moment after that before I spoke again, “Maybe,” my voice cracked, “maybe we were never meant to get to this point.”

“Don’t.”

I continued over his pleads, “Maybe we are just meant to be friends. Maybe we’re just fighting against the inevitable.”

He still wouldn’t look up at me. Just sat hunched over staring at the floor with a shaky hand pulling at his hair while the other pulled at his bottom lip. “I love you though.”

I swallowed around a lump in my throat when he finally let his eyes travel to mine. “I love you too. But maybe that’s not enough.”

“Or maybe you’re giving up too soon,” he tried.

I shrugged weakly. “Maybe I’m just trying to salvage what’s left of us before we completely destroy each other.” I sniffed, “I mean, it’s not healthy the way we fight and then shut each other out for days- or even weeks.” I whipped at a tear that had been about to fall, “And I’m sorry that it was Zayn. I’m not apologizing for the fact that it happened, but I am sorry that it was your band mate; that is was your friend. That was probably really selfish of me, but I didn’t know that you and I would become best mates then, or that we would have fallen for each other. If I had, maybe things would have been different.”

Harry turned away from me again, dropping his face in his hands as I spoke. “How is it that you’re breaking up with me and we were never really together?”

“We’re just… we’re not good together as more than mates.”

He laughed humorlessly, “I don’t know how you can say then when we never really tried.” He brought his face out of his hands but avoided my gaze.

“I still wanna be friends,” I said weakly. “Like I said, I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life.”

“Just not how I want to be in yours.”

I winced at his words. “Let’s just give each other space.”

“I don’t want space,” he was angry again. “I want to move past this and actually start something that could be amazing- if you let it.”

“I don’t know what else I can do here Harry. We can be here all night, talking in circles, but it’s still come back to the fact that you can’t trust me around Zayn.”

“It’s not just that.”

“I know, and that’s the point, isn’t it?”

He sighed, “I still think you’re giving up.”

“Maybe,” I shrugged. “But this is the only way I can see to at least save our friendship.” He didn’t bother answering me. “Let’s just give each other some space, yeah?”

“Not like you’re really giving me a choice.”

I couldn’t stop myself from rolling my eyes, “Of course you have a choice Harry-”

“Then I choose to not let you do this,” he glared.

“You’re the one who walked out originally. Don’t pretend that you didn’t. You were the one to say you were done first, I’m just trying to do this with the least damage as possible!”

“You’ve ripped my heart out Kennedy. There’s nothing but damage!”

“This is why we need to stop! We’re only hurting each other.”

He scoffed, “Just go. You’ve made your point. You want space, so go.”

“Harry-”

“Kennedy, let me lick my wounds in peace! Please leave.”

I stood there for a moment, but he never gave me a glance. “Alright. I’m sorry, I’ll go.” He let out a sigh at my words, his whole body slumping slightly to release the tension. “I’m sorry,” I said once more, before I turned on my heel and left.

*****

“Heeeey,” Jax sang when he opened the door. “Alfie said you were stopping by.”

I didn’t bother anything more than a weak smile as he let me in, “Yeah.”

“You alright babe?”

“No,” I didn’t bother lying. “But I will be eventually.”

He gave me a sad smile before hugging me, “At least you’re optimistic.”

I chuckled softly, “Yeah.”

“Alfie’s up in the room,” he said once he let me go. I smiled in gratitude before I headed up the stairs.

When I got up there, the door was open and I walked in and found Alfie lounging back on his futon reading The Hobbit. “Since when do you read?” I joked as I dropped my purse on the dresser by the door.

He looked up before marking his page, “Since forever actually. I came out of the womb reciting Shakespeare.” I rolled my eyes before crawling on the bed and curling into his side. He lifted his arm and wrapped it around my back, “You okay Kenny?”

“No,” I said against his chest. “Harry and I… broke up or whatever.”

He squeezed my side, “I’m sorry. Wanna talk about it?”

I shrugged, “There’s not a whole lot to say, we just… we aren’t working. He said he can’t get over me and Zayn being friends, and we just fight all the time you know?”

“Well yeah, but everyone fights,” he reasoned.

“I know but,” I sighed, “I don’t know. I think that maybe we just- we should have just stayed friends. I love him, but maybe we just shouldn’t have gone there.”

He was quiet for a moment, pondering my words. “You seem very calm about this.”

“I’m really not,” I said with a sigh. “I’m just trying not to really think about what I just did, because if I do I’ll burst into tears.”

He kissed my head affectionately, “I’m sorry love. If you want, you know you can burst into tears in front of me. I won’t judge.”

“Thanks,” I said softly as my eyes prickled with said tears. “Why does this have to be so hard,” I whispered.

“I don’t know,” he sighed. “I think that’s what they call is ‘a crush’ or ‘falling for.’ You know, things that sound painful- because that’s what love is; a whole lot of paint that’s apparently worth it.”

I sniffed and whipped at the few tears that had come to the surface. “I think I need like, a vacation. Away from all this mess I’ve created and anything One Direction related.”

“Maybe that’s a good idea.”

I sighed and cuddled into his side a little more, “Thanks for letting me come over to be pathetic.”

“Hey,” he nudged me so I’d look up at him. “You’re not pathetic. This is just hard and you have every right to be sad. Don’t be ashamed of being sad Kenny. You wanna cry, go for it. We can even pull up Netflix and watch a chick flick if you want.”

I gave him a small smile, “Thanks Alf.”

“Anytime Sweets.”

This is why I came to Alfie first. I knew he’d be just what I needed to help me make it through the rest of the night. He wouldn’t pressure me to talk about every detail like Eleanor would, he’d just be here if I wanted to cry and watch a movie with me. It’s almost ironic how I found myself in almost the same place I was not so long ago, but over Zayn.

Except I couldn’t go to Harry this time.